* Nicolle Wallace with tissues: did you notice i was the only one who cried during your farewell show?
Brian Williams: thanks for coming to that, the only time i cried on my own show was when i interviewed Aaron Sorkin the night before. i didn't have the heart to tell him the reviews for his Lucille Ball week were in and less-than-flattering. they're saying Sorkin gives in to his most pretentious predilections.
Nicolle: the country is in a dark place, we need your dark humor.
Brian: i know but i gotta get the fuck outta here, hand me that dusty Tom Petty Lincoln hat.
Nicolle: i care deeply about you, Brian.
Brian: obviously we fucked.
Nicolle: yes. but only once. at that DC hotel on the Biltmore at that New Year's Eve party.
Brian: and once on the tiny table of the MSNBC kitchenette.
Nicolle: your cum tasted good but not as good as the raw sugar crystals they have over there.
Brian: yeah in that big bucket-shaped fluted glass canister tower.
Nicolle: we can't tell our spouses or kids, right?
Brian: right. tho one of our rendezvouses was a script for Girls on HBO.
* garbagemen: we pick up your trash and have to do the Christmas card thing but we never sign them, our boss makes us pick out blank pink pieces of paper for all you bastards who made us carry the truck over to a Saturday cutting into our weekend family time cos you forgot what day it was.
* Jacques Pepin: the '80s were cool for most but they came at the worst time as i was just setting up shop on PBS. the Surgeon General comes out with a general warning that eggs are bad for you. so me a French chef planning a menu for the show had to cut down on eggs, milk, butter, and bread...
* Sharon Gless: see? tv is good, without tv i would have never realized i was an alcoholic.
* The Pope: i liked a butt pic.........my own.
* Colonel Walter Kurtz: you killed my father, prepare to die.
Dread Pirate Roberts: no, Vietnam killed your father, you can't kill Vietnam, that's the point.
Kurtz: i killed my own father with my mind.
* Nancy McKeon: why was i absent? read all about it in People Magazine...
mom: we got the kids a Nintendo.
dad: Nintendo is for kids, kids want adult things like Xbox and batteries.
* Kay Jewelers
Dirg: look at this woman, she knows she's hot, she has a wrist tattoo that only shows when she turns it just right to show off her diamond.
* bench bro: so you're really going with that yellow sweater outside huh?
other bench bro: Serena Williams is Neo.
bench bro: the daughters said King Richard was painfully one-sided.
Lance Lear: ...
parents: surprise kids! we got you helmets and kneepads. we ran out of money before we could get you the scooter.
* Kate McKinnon: you see how jangly i walk in these heels? it's so Christmasy, like ice-skating on a frozen pond.
* Apple AirPods: like a last-second halfcourt shot against Purdue...
woman: people look at my face and get that faint sense they've seen me before......in some Doctor Who thing or something...i was that Companion people forgot about...
waitress: i'm just a simple woman with a country accent. if Big Pizza really wanted to help they'd bring back Squidbillies.
Domino's CEO: The Noid is telling me only if he's in the cartoon...
* Google Stereo Speakers
Phoenix: the cool thing about this commercial is the woman and man are wife and husband in real life.
Jon Bon Jovi: ...
man: oh yeah i know this music, i know rap.
woman: all rap was once R&B, honey.
* Liberty Mutual
Spider-Man: don't try this at home, kids, the spider we used came from Meta.
Doug: that wasn't Pac-Man on my shelf, that was the yellow helmet for my imaginary helicopter.
* Steve Mariucci: follow these chalkboard instructions. for your gambling problem. if you can't overcome it join the mob like i did and become Ray Liotta's father. the chalk will then be used for body outlines.
* sub man: submarines. the sandwiches. and i drove submarines for the Navy.
Gronk: i was never in the Armed Forces.
sub man: that's weird, right? you look EXACTLY like someone who would join.
Gronk: is this an ad for Jimmys Johns?
* Takahashi: Pete? oh so it was PETE's idea to bring back the Italian Chicken Sandwich at Burger King? sure sure nobody thought of that till PETE...
happy weekend, my babies
TOMORROW: it WAS gonna be In N Out but i penciled in a last-minute luncheon, so now it's rg burger. last time i had the Lemon Pepper it tasted raw. raw sugar which is good. i'm going with the Chili Burger, if the pattie's gonna be well-done i might as well splurge.
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