Kathy Griffin at the SAG-AFTRA meeting: i mean when i really die you'll not know it *audience laughs*. no i'm serious, i will ACTUALLY die and the WORLD will think it's a joke...
Jillian Clare raises her head in her new blue-acetate glasses to take a look.
Jillian: ho ho ho, Kathy Griffin. not Christmas, ho ho ho, Kathy Griffin.
Ghislaine Maxwell: i once spoke before the UN General Assembly...
Jean Shrimpton: don't call me a shrimp! i wasn't thin like Twiggy. i wore the first bow in hair. i liked wearing hats more than clothes. i wanted that princess's arabesque hat. yes i look like a stringy-haired grey witch now but who cares?
Gladyce: you look like a CRONE, babe!
Doryce: when i thought of a witch i thought of your young face, that face was powerful to me as a kid.
Nine Culliford: without me, the Smurfs would have been skin-colored.........think about that for a minute...
Dirg: if it's a Mexican restaurant it has to serve french fries.
Jodie Foster: have the flan not the rice pudding.
Jodie Foster: *retching* ugh, rice pudding.
John Daly: eat, drink, be merry, and spend $400 at Taco Bell. for tomorrow we die.
Pete Davidson: i just want this Kim K relationship thing to last long enough so i get that wedding i've always dreamed of...
Camus: i was into BDSM...
Arron Hough: everyone on social media wants to be unique and stand out. i did it by taping a mic to my forehead...
Shimmering Solstice: we want the original lead singer of Fuel back...
Mardith: the lawyer representing Jane Doe in Roe v. Wade has died at this time, these things don't happen by accident.
Dirg: Doe v. Wade? Die v. Wade?
David Byrne on a bike: i am WAY better-looking than Gael Garcia Bernal, i got the beady eyes, i could play a young Abe Lincoln...
Lance Lear: ...
Dirg: everyone on Instagram has a birthday on December 25. makes sense, they are starved for attention...
Melissa Maker: loose cleft lips sink ships...
James Taylor: i smile. i smile, right? i smile all the time! don't i? i'm a helpful friend, aren't i? right?!!!
Dirg: you're spam to me.
Rubikon: keep that energy, play boy.
Michael Weiss in a Goofy hat: i am Sabine's son. everyone's last pic on Instagram for 2021 is them on a bridge looking out longingly.........i hope they don't jump...
Sabine Weiss: without me there'd be no The Exorcist! it would be NOTHING...
President Biden: they call me Prudent Biden. Bump fixes me eggs and a bowl of cereal in hot milk and an ice cube every breakfast morning.
Jake Paul: i shoulda been an anonymous Navy SEAL.
Julia Rose: i'm from Star Trek...
Winnipesaukee: Jen Psaki the hunnypot lives here, she does P.E. exercises in the crunchy woods across the lake by Walden Pond...
the Smurf Forest is but a leaf of Leaf Village...
Suzy Lu: KAKASHI! my Knight in Shining Armor! my savior!
Kakashi: shhhh, keep it down.
Suzy Lu: right right. right, right. secret spy stuff. what are you doing now?
Kakashi: i'm taking off my mask so i can lick out your buttery Scottish twat.
Suzy: you'd lick my cunt up for little ol' me? i KNEW you weren't a selfish lover!!! that's what i love about you!!!
Suzy: i need help. there's no way i'm gonna be able to amass the votes Jillian has. i can't compete. i need to expand my brand.
Kakashi: you need to flood the market at all the comic cons around the world. swoop up all the nerds. here, let me help you draw a nice animated open for your youtube videos, a cartoon version of you and me your boyfriend by the fire on a couch. there, see?
Suzy: WOW it's so good!!!
Kakashi: i've a bit of knowledge when it comes to animation. now you'll get the views!!!
Suzy: i gotta make a splash at Comic Con in New York.
Kakashi: easy. make a lifesize model of the Loch Ness Monster, your home pet.
Suzy: tis true, Nessie resides in the lake behind my log cabin.
Kakashi: Loch Ness Monster cosplay is easy to sew, i'll do it for you, just get me needle, thread, a button, and a ladybug on my shoulder.
Kakashi: i used my mini-prong for a needle. okay we have to make love inside the dragonfire mouth of the Loch Ness Monster, it has to be hot enough you know.
Suzy: right.
Kakashi: plus her spikes are natural dildos. ready?
Kakashi takes his ninja mask off, under it is an n95 mask which he takes off.
Kakashi: i've been wearing this mask since 1995.
Suzy: oh WOW. okay okay i see it, you ARE handsome. but you're also just kind of a regular bloke, that's what i love about you.
Kakashi thrusts Suzy Lu for an entire day, a full 24-hour complete cycle of time. Suzy is utterly naked save for the saddle shoes she wears and bends upwards at the point.
Suzy: Kak, can you cum all over my teeth for me? yeah that bit. my teeth are broken. my jaw is like two earthquake plates sliding awkwardly against each other creating rough rubbed sandpaper. i'm trying to avoid dental surgery here which would be connected to my backbone.
Kakashi: ouch. i am so sorry for your pain, i know pain.
Kakashi: I'M CUMMING!!!!!!!!!!
Suzy: on.........thank you for doing this, your cum tastes like Pepsodent against my teeth.
Kakashi: i know what will cure your mouth. i must on to a quest! to find the 11 secret herbs and spices that are ground up in the green-cloud mountains to make Ricola hard-as-fuck brown lined candy cough drops.
Colonel Sanders: ...
Suzy: right. oi yea that's what i need! those rare Swedish herbal plants.
Ingmar Bergman: ...
Kakashi: pot isn't one of the 11.
Cheech: sheesh.
Kakashi: your wellness is my pleasure, milady. no journey is too treacherous for you.
Suzy Lu, blushing: OH KAKASHI
Suzy Lu: us Scots, when we blush you REALLY see it on our face!!! i'm blushing to avoid smiling.
Eye Luggage: what were we talking about again?
Julia Ioffe: propeller beanies are sexy.
Eye: Being the Ricardos and go.
Damon Runyon: wait...i'm Aaron Sorkin's father aren't i...
Aaron Sorkin: thanks, pop. you cried all the tears that wetted Broadway planks so there were no tears left for me, that hardened me against all the blistering criticism i've taken my entire career.
Damon: they're just jealous.
Aaron: plus i learned early how to fly a plane, i was the one sprinkling your ashes from the sky down below on top of a Broadway production of Annie. how's THAT for whitewashing!!!
Dirg: why is the whole movie from beginning to end so DARK?!!! no lighting whatsoever.
Aaron Sorkin: covid.
Laertus's dad: gotta say, Aaron Sorkin is my hero. my writing hero anyway. he can write it like nobody's business, we share similar writing styles. in fact i'd dare say HE copied MY style!!!
Laertus: thanks, pop. i get it. i share your sentiment. Aaron is the man. he gets lambasted and skewered in the print press and electronic media but his writing is so rapidfire and indulgent and spitty i think people are a little creeped out cos Aaron writes exactly what you were THINKING, he's in your HEAD!!! he knows the next line before you've conjured it, dreamt of it, the next banter in the tete-a-tete conversation dialogue.
Eye: can i just say, i mean imagine if people in real life ACTUALLY talked like an Aaron Sorkin script. like this was how two people communicated to each other behind closed doors just in their private den. with flowery analogies and wordy welling explanations topped to the rim with obscure references and Archer aplomb. constantly monologuing both exterior and interior. that would be AWESOME!!!
Sorkin: why can't a straight man play a gay man? it's called ACTING, people!!!
Pedro from Real World: it's called OPPORTUNITY, numbnuts!!! it's weird cos you actually look gay but you're just another boring straight white man.
Lucie Arnaz: i cried when Cate Blanchett turned down the role of my mom...
Nicole Kidman: but why? it's a sacred pact amongst actresses, it's of the stars, whoever doesn't get the part has to keep mum about it and just take it on the cosmetically-surgeried cleft chin. i did a good job. i did a DAMN good job.
Dirg: hey Lucie Arnaz, was it weird seeing your folks get it on? like you're actually witnessing watching on screen on the big silver screen your two parents naked fucking in a cheap hotel bed making you. that's gotta be weird.
Lucy: to this day i don't get the separate-beds thing, our beds were pushed together for the pilot episode.
Lucy Ricardo; i come from Jamestown, New York, home of Coney Island beanless chili...
Hormel plant located in Cuba: can you still call it chili if there's no meat?...
Dirg: see? the end of the Sublime "Wrong Way" music video, it's a 5G tower. it's all coming together.
Javier Bardem: you gotta admit i NAILED that accent. the Ricky Ricardo accent is very hard to maintain, it's so over-the-top and exaggerated i had to chew on 11 Ricolas in my mouth to get it just right.
Vivian Vance: do you see now why i was so surly all the time? i had to be the dumpy housewife opposite Lucille Ball even though i was a hot starlet myself. against the queen of no-water-at-7PM. and there is no WAY in hell in real life that i'd get saddled with an old fart like Fred! i'd kill myself first! which isn't to say working with JK wasn't a pleasure. yeah he's actually a nice guy in real life, it's just nobody sees him in real life so people think he's a monster.
Fred Mertz: where's my story, Peter Parker! wait you're not Peter Parker. why the FUCK wasn't i in the Spider-Man movie that made a fucking BILLION dollars!!!? get on the Peloton, Ethel! your ass looks like two kettledrums!
Lucy: Ethel i don't like you going on those crash diets where you drink only milkshakes! you're gonna collapse like Karen Carpenter!
Ethel: who's that?
Lucy: trust me i know. i am an eternal being. you will never be skinny like me! this isn't a frenemy thing, i'm genuinely concerned for your health. i care about you a lot. if you must try those Marie Osmond shakes, they at least have a banana in them.
Tony Hale: it's weird when a Bluth is serious.
Linda Lavin: remember me? ALICE! aren't i hot as a gilf? i learned to play baseball when my kid dropped out, problem is there's no women's baseball anywhere around the world. i will only go back to Will & Grace when they start filming at Denny's again...
Sorkin: three things here, Lucy's a commie, Lucy with child, Ricky cheating on Lucy.
Dirg: all three caused by socialism.
Alia Shawkat: Madelyn Pugh was a REVOLUTIONARY holy writer! getting away with ribald takes on life love and marriage in the '50s in a smoky male writer's room.
male writer: why you always gotta break my balls? jealous you don't have any?
Alia: i do get some. lots. plenty, from the monks. oh you mean balls...
Laertus: Sorkin i love ya, but honestly when i watched this Fred & Ethel scene i suspended disbelief at every corner, it didn't need to be explained to me scientifically with the Series Bible or anything, i had fun watching I Love Lucy.
Ricky: Lucy is that why you dyed your hair red? cos you're a Communist?
Lucy: no Ricky. i mean Desi.
Desi: i LIVED through that shit, you just got a card, you just got carded. all the animals were slaughtered in front of my eyes.
Mlem and Blep cry.
Desi: so can you cut me some slack? can i have ONE sidepiece?
Ricky: i'm not Indian. the show shoulda been taped in Bollywood at the time, more lenient over there. they SHOW childbirth in Bollywood!
Shatner kisses Lucy on the mouth.
Shatner: without you i wouldn't have gone up into real space.
Lucy: WAHHHHHHH!
Shatner: wow, i've never seen a grown woman cry.
Howard Wenke: did you attend a meeting?
Lucy: i did it for my grandfather, and the workers. you know, workers' rights? all we did was play bridge and cribbage in the meeting. don't make me wank you off, i fucked my husband.
Howard: i'm a member of the Marvel Metaverse.
Mark Zuckerberg: ...
Lucy: are you a good guy or a bad guy?
Howard: good guy.
Lucy: the good guys are boring. that don't impress me much. i'm a Communist what's it to you? would you really fire me and sink the biggest moneymaker this studio has ever seen?
Howard: no. you're right. we wouldn't do anything to you if you declared that. this whole thing is a Red herring...
Lucy: wait was i really this surly and serious and gloomy in real life?
Nicole Kidman, eyes wide: right?
Lucy: they wouldn't give me a part cos i was an old woman...
Madonna: PREACH ON, SISTA!!!
Lucy: dye your hair red first, bitch!
Ricky: you know what Babalou means? a girl with jugs the size of bongo drums.
Matthew McConaughey: ... come on, man...
Ricky: Havana Pete was my father. his suit was so white it broke the moon, that's why the waves made Cuba into an island, they were so fierce they broke off the chunk of land.
Fred Mertz: let's go to the bar, i day-drink on set. i'm so fat in my bottom i need 14 Larry King suspenders to pull my pants up.
Lucy: i massage male egos for a living. i can't wait for ego death.
Fred: give me one of those Orient massages woulda?
Lucy: NOT NOW, FRED!!!
Fred: what do you drink?
Lucy: nothing, i'd rather have a tetanus shot.
Sorkin: you mean covid shot...
Laertus's dad: oh god the sweet strains of that brassy big-band music playing the I Love Lucy theme in those The Voice white gilded chairs! brings back such dank memories of me as a boy eating wood wheels.
Alia: so i'm thinking one episode where Charles Boyer falls madly in love with Ethel.........this can happen in real life, take me and Brad Pitt...
Lucy: are you a Cuban singer?
Alia: they're infantilizing you, you literally say WAHHHHHHHH!!!
Lucy: i hate doing that. i sound fake when i'm crying, cos i've never cried in my life, i'm always serious off set.
Desi: hello ladies and gentlemen, i have J Edgar Hoover on the phone with us confirming Lucy is not a Bolshevik. J Edgar?
Hoover: i wear women's clothes.
Desi: but is my wife bad?
Hoover: i roleplay as a baby...
Lucy: this scene hits hard, it was true this is how i felt. as long as i was on this famous living-room set, this hallowed stage with the questionable Chinese pictures, i felt safe and sound from the rain. this is where i could IMAGINE how i wanted my marriage to be, Desi would never leave me, we'd have dinner at home every day of the week. I Love Lucy was literally me writing imaginary scenes of how i wanted my real marriage to be, bathed in blissful domesticity. it was me trying to manifest reality with a fictional show.
Mardith: *thumbs up*
Lucy: we shoulda called the show Cards, me and my Communist card-carrying and Ricky playing cards on a boat. no one plays cards on a boat.
JK Mertz: when are YOU gonna be funny?
Nina Arianda: that linereading was so brutal i felt it down my throat.
Sorkin: speaking of throats, the whole I Love Lucy thing where i wrote that the I made Ricky the head of the show cos it came before the word Lucy, that was brilliant! that was very mathematical writing from me there on my part! writing about writing, it's what i do best. drama is the way you get out of situations...and block them...
Sorkin: what you gotta understand is...the only thing you have to remember from this, to take from this, to take out of this, is the line at the end:
Lucy, i'm home!
Sorkin: see? see what i did there? Desi is saying: Lucy, I AM YOUR HOME. you can always come back to me, i won't leave you for hookers, i am your stability, your children, and your dinner.
Nicole Kidman: that scene got to me, i had to pause and shed real tears when i thought about my real-life situation with the short man.
Laertus's dad: i'm crying real tears right now over here, that was very emotional, i HATE seeing Lucy so sad like that. her dreams are dashed, her life is sheared into red ribbons, shredded to confetti, the storybook ending doesn't happen, she divorces Desi right after this scene. and takes up with a man who is intentionally funny.
Sorkin: g'night folks.
JK Simmons: here's your basket of chopped-up flowers.
Sorkin: we didn't film at the Chateau Marmont because...
John Belushi: ...because of me.
Bakshi: not me.
John Belushi: despite what the papers said there wasn't a marmot in my anus. my body was clean.
Cathy Smith: No. 3, ring any bells?
Belushi: yeah my head is still ringing.
Cathy Smith: sorry for giving you that speedball. i didn't mean to. i didn't mean it. it wasn't for gardening. turns out life isn't a wobbly nervousy comic strip, it's dead real.
Belushi: that's okay. turns out i didn't really want to die. but i also kinda did. all i wanted to do was type up a new script and take my show on the road to Albania where i woulda killed or been killed. later i saw Bill Murray get out of the very same taxi in Japan i ran into in my youth and didn't feel a thing in my head. g'night folks.
Belushi: my final words before i croaked were:
phedinkus
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