Wednesday, December 1, 2021



Jillian Clare: there is no problem in this world that can't be solved with baking.

Jillian flashes her pearly whites and the green screen flashes bright.

Jillian: that's a wrap, people. 
Monica Lewinsky: hey Jil, going out tonight?
Jillian: nah i'll let you night with your new man Alan Cumming without me bothering you guys. so how's the sex?
Monica: it's in the last name.
Aaron Rodgers: excuse me madam could you direct me to where my father Brett Favre is?
Monica: pardon you.
Jillian: sure he's in my dressing room sucking Rex Ryan's toes.

Jillian hugs the newlyweds.
Jillian: fab wed, guys! i forgot how hot Santa Monica gets! 
Robert Plant: that's the whole fecking world! i won't be alive to see it, it's YOUR planet problem, pet! heehee just giving you a windup, love. actually i'll be on the Stairway to Heaven directing traffic with a roundabout.
Jillian: make sure that bridge is rainbow for my wolves and we solid, hombre. hi Alison! give ya girl a California kiss. 
Alison Krauss: i'd like to introduce you girls to my husband, he invented heavy metal.
Robert: i didn't disband for love like Lennon.
Ms. Krause: where am i? is this the line for Shakespeare auditions?

Alison: the only drawback is he's gotta take 27 iron-deficiency supplements and stool supplements.
Jillian: hey guys! Awkwafina you nailed your standup tonight! will you finally admit women are funny, dude?
Mahershala Ali: you win you win my girl was fire up there. didn't care for all the Moonlight jokes tho.
Awkwafina: oh my god who cares, babe!? you won the Oscar, right? isn't that all that matters? i call him Muhammad in the sack.
Dirg: ...
MA: you bout to say sumpin, boy? shut it.
Dirg: yes sir. i was just curious as to if Awkwafina does the nasty in a Toad mushroom cosplay costume.
Bill Maher: did you like my set, Mahershala?

Monica: so you've been pretty busy lately huh girl.
Jillian: yeah. Disney is cool. Nickelodeon is cool. but really i want to sink my teeth into my adult project. i'm rebooting Days of Our Lives all by myself.
Monica: plus in the meantime to pay the bills you got a real job.
Jillian: yeah, i do my daily podcast. i want to be the female Marc Maron, fuck that, Marc Maron is a hack, i want to be ME!!!
Monica: i love your podcasts, you're so personable. and i mean you know EVERYONE in Hollywood. no really, not the A-listers you know the REAL actresses and actors, the no-names who grind everyday anonymously in this town, the ones who put up the scaffolding and the ladders.
Jillian: the ones who really make the magic. the unheralded masses who aren't on imdb, i watch them, i wash them.

Soundgarden "Rowing": Tool at the end...

crones: we're getting each other old Victorian postcard quilts this year as always, right dear?

Mike Corey from Uncharted Adventure: i'm not Brian Laundrie hiding out somewhere...

Dirg wearing one Norwegian slipper and a lapghan quilt for a skull cap: i love women's skeleton at the Olympics, all the women have the fattest of fat fat fat bouncy bouncy bouncy butts in lycra.

Linda Darlow: i'm Jessica Walter now now that Jessica Walter is dead.

Ari Yang in a CARAX: here to pick up Takahashi.

Maria LaRosa: the jet stream is a Holy Snake.

Anna Andersen: when they do the I Am Curious reboot, i'm playing Lena.........even tho Lena Nyman is a real person......was a real person...i am not an impostor...

Soundgarden "Black Rain" music video: we are what Heavy Metal 2000 should have been.
Watchmen 2: us, too.
Power Rangers Dino Fury: us, too.
M83: we, too, oui.

Lance Lear: i rode my bicycle all the way to City Hall to legally change my name to Padiddle.

Queensryche: we thought all the Seattle bands which came after us would be like us, would be like Soundgarden.

Facebook Portal
grandpa: did you draw and paint that magnificent marvelous glorious wonderful oil painting work of art portrait of me and your grandmother wearing a sharp chain?
grandson: no, someone else did it for me.

Arielle Raycene: why didn't I become Violet Benson?...

Helen Aitchison: i wrote novels with the first wood tennis racquet ever carved.
Emma Raducanu: and that's why you get pride of place. you're my heroine.........and my great-to-the-great-power grandma...

Miru Kim: Wadi Rum ain't a drink.

Swiss Colony: Roger Federer lives in our box.
Roger Federer: no i do NOT! 
Swiss Colony: but we send out hundreds of thousands of college care-packages each year to single freshman girls uncertain of their future, shaky of their lifepath, looking to FINALLY go to the Sadie Hawkins dance.
Roger: okay i come from inside their college box. to teach them tennis. college tennis sucks, it's bad, it needs a good teacher.

Eye Luggage: what were we talking about again?
KQED: if we didn't put on The Nutcracker and The Mouse King starting in the late dank '70s, the only firm to broadcast it in wavy lines, the whole franchise wouldn't be where it is now in popularity.

Eye Luggage: The Kentucky Fried Movie and go.
Dirg: can i just say...i know? THIS is what i mean. THIS is how comedy movies used to be. everyone from all races ethnicities and religions and sexes came to it equally and they all laughed together at each other and it wasn't a big deal. 

Dirg: hey Laertus, pay attention, sport! THIS is how you do an independent film!
Laertus: true, but it helped that it was the '70s, ANYTHING flew. especially an Airplane. 
Madame Pons: money was easier to come by back then. and worth less.
John Belushi: without this movie i wouldn't have stared into that bathroom mirror in the end...

Woody Allen: you know i must confess that this is the type of comedy i could never master. my comedy was this movie but mine always veered off into philosophy and existentialism and film theory and sports theory. i know, i'm admitting it like an asshole.

Laertus: there is a distinct look and feel to this type of comedy. it's the Naked Gun school of comedy, no other comedy movies have this timbre to them, this glisten elide, nobody does this stuff but the Zucker Brothers.
John Landis: elide both means to omit and combine. see you next Wednesday, the Twilight Zone funeral is Wednesday...

Lorne Michaels: this is what SNL would be without censors and corporate sponsors...
Seth Green: they thought nobody would watch a movie that was just sketches..........hmmmmmmm?......

Mardith: okay the actual making and realization manifesting of this movie is wilder than the movie itself! i mean they get a wealthy real-estate investor to finance the film but he backs out at the last minute with his guns between his legs? who was this person? the cowboy with the ten-gallon hat on The Simpsons?
Arnold Schwarzenegger: it was me. remember when i owned large swaths of Universal Studios land? incuding the King Kong ride?
Chris Pratt: i'm moving to the Royal Family in England, they respect me there, they question my special son behind closed palace-intrigue doors.

David Letterman: i would have been perfect for the newscaster here. but back then you had to have perfect teeth.
Michael Strahan: ...
Dave: i don't hate you, just saying times were different.

Orange Julius: hey man we don't got no grease like that at Orange Julius come on over and swim in our froth.

Madame Pons covers Mardith's eyes.
Mardith: what don't you what me to see?!
Madame Pons: this sketch is basically saying that astrology is dumb and people need to take control of their lives not chance it with the jet stream of the stars and sun dogs.
Mardith: i'm old enough, i can take a little ribbing.

Eye Luggage: this franchise is OBSESSED with arrows. no other troupe has done more with surprise flying arrows as the most popular means of death than this troupe. 
Marlon Brando: you see what i had to go up against back then?
Eye: it's this troupe's trope.
John Landis: that's me in the gorilla suit!

Dirg: see i love this, by PARODYING the naked Catholic school girls and porn, they have to have naked girls on screen but all anyone remembers after watching this is they saw hot naked girls on screen. and one woman with the Guinness record on breast size, i hope she didn't injure her assets grinding them against that marbled shower door.
Ellerbee the squirrel: the nuts joke, on point. show me your nuts...and everyone in this pod booth shows her they're crazy.
Ronald McDonald: and the midget clown whipping their bare butts in chains. Alice would be proud. Alice In Chains i mean.
Takahashi: when will McDonalds serve just their whip cream, separately?

Dirg: Feel-A-Round, that was a thing in theatres? i was born wrong. in the wrong time. in an evaporating era. ah, 1972, the Golden Age of Porn.
Rubikon: i always envision the woman we hear the voice of but don't see here as Zsa Zsa Gabor.

Jacques Cousteau: i used to be a boom-mic operator, but something happened...
Jacques Pepin: yeah you stole my job! i had to take up skiing instead!

Bill Bixby: want to never turn green like me again? don't practice a mystical religion, it's the biggest cause of headaches around the world.

Laertus: Big Jim Slade of the Kansas City Chiefs is your worst nightmare, huh Dirg.

Michael Weiss in a red-sun headband: A Fistful of Yen, classic, this was so long it should have been its own movie. i'm in this, one of the karate extras, i take up mall karate in my spare time, my job is dangerous.
Bruce Lee: this is fun and all but my life entailed REAL death, real life-or-death deathgrips kung-fu battles.
James Bond: better than most Bond films. sanctioned Bond films.

Evan C Kim: why didn't i become a bigger star? look at me, i'm handsome, i'm jacked, more jacked than Bruce Lee. and my bowl cut. my muscles have muscles in my shins. 
Elmer Fudd: i was hurt they made you eat rabbit on screen so i called in a favor to Lorne.
Evan: i did the internet meme of hands-confused WAY before! 
concubine: your whole room is bugged, Evan, they can hear everything, it's what life will be like in 2021.
Tyzik: there would be more transparency to government if they allowed guided tours through the Illuminati Rooms in the White House.

Evan: the lesson to all this, kids, is: HYDRATE. 
Evan: i'm not part of the EVA program.
Evan: it was all a dream. worse, i'm stuck in Kansas!!!

Hare Krishna monks: Garbage treated us better than this does.
Codrus: you were treated like garbage?
Cotard: Garbage the band.
Codrus: never confront a Hare Krishna when he's drunk, it does not end well. go for the rattail before he strikes first.

Scot Free: this was a joke back then, nobody knew JFK conspiracy theories would be a thing now, a serious thing now.

James Bond: in none of my films have i ever eaten cake.
Jack Bauer: i ate my father's cake.
James Bond: i'm the one who married Pam Shriver! remember? not Bindi!

Henry Gibson: everyone dies, even E.T. it's scary. even Elliott was forbidden to do Cobra Kai. ego death is a fucking trip.

Mike Lazlo: omg this Courtroom sketch is exactly Birdman live-action!!!
Chris Cuomo: the reporter is always the murderer.
The Beaver: i'm supposed to be this innocent kid in the '50s but my name is beaver.

Mlem and Blep: Nesson Oil, SKIP IT!!! don't make us cat scratch you into a fever where you'll really need oil to recover.

Cleopatra Schwartz: Woody Allen didn't come up with me but should have.
Pam Grier: what do you see in your spouse?
Cleopatra: the rabbi? he makes me laugh, he's got jokes. Woody Allen has NEVER made me laugh once.

Dirg: zinc oxide? is that just slang for cocaine?
Tony Montana: say hello to my big friend, my dick. i was never concerned about gun safety on set. 
Walt Disney: i made A Case of Spring Fever while completely on zinc-oxide cocaine. the educational film went on later to inspire Gumball.

Chuck Connors: i was Chuck Norris on a Zelda wing-glider instead of flying on a black belt. but i would never use the n word. my name sounds like i eat Alpo for breakfast.

Chooch from Van Nuys Blvd: see? i told you i didn't recognize you with your clothes on. because of this movie.
Tara Strohmeier: they told me this film was gonna be a collection of shorts showcasing the latest gains in techniques and technologies, indie animation, experimental film, and Brecht. and the Kansas City Chiefs doing a claymation thing with wires.

Roger Ebert: overlong. 
Gene Siskel: your stomach? g'night folks.

Maiara Walsh and Mesay crash the two-storey bungalow built of wood planks carved into the Ewok trees along Sepulveda above the purple Hollywood Hills.
Jillian: cool beads. still doing another Disney sitcom, Mai?
Maiara: gotta pay the bills. if Raven can get away with doing it anyone can!
Jillian: so you two trying, huh.
Maiara: yeah. he was under my nose the whole time for 15 years, we both saw it, we weren't blind, but we were scared to leap. i call him Teo in bed. 
Jillian: you were in Menudo, si?
Mesay: close enough. i was in a Mexican sitcom that rivaled Ned's Declassified in popularity. in the '80s. like my jean jacket with rhinestones in the back that spell out

Jillian: cool. yeah i see it, you're big and bulky, got that hipster Salvador Dali curly mustache thing going, diamond-inspector circle glasses, plaid shirt untucked, that long black curly hair all Mexican men sport now.
Mesay: crystal-inspector collapsing-lens glasses.
Jillian: you look good!

at Ed Asner's funeral
Jillian: i've made a decision. a big one. I'M RUNNING FOR SAG-AFTRA PRESIDENT!!!!!!!!!!
Monica: brilliant! you are perfect and perfectly qualified for this massive job!
Jillian: i got every single connection. from the gaffers to the one-liners. i want to bring people together fairly. times are tough and there are no tomes. we need a woman's sense at the helm. the Supreme Court decision on abortion is worrying to say the least. civilization is sliding off a cliff.
Suzy Lu: not so fast, missy.
Suzy pulls up in a dusty green taxi with a spinning blue berry police light on top to Jillian's curb siding her pleather heels.
Jillian: great now i gotta get new shoes!

Suzy glares out the backseat taxi window, she scowls at Jillian's smile and gives her a wide-eyed 2-Finger Salute sticking out her tongue. her forked tongue at Jillian.  


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