in one of the apartments in the top upper-corner is a particular man. a particular man with a particular face. one of those faces that you immediately recognize. gives you a warm feeling to your face. cos the face feels like an uncle's you played pinochle with. or a long-lost father you want to kiss on the lips. this face invites you in, cos it looks like a Muppet. but you don't want to sing with this face, you want to empathize with it. fuzzy eyebrows betray a face that stays long forever, forever sad, forever forlorn and thinking deeply about the flawed human race, and his shortcomings to save it.
Dr. Vacc's room is lonely indeed, he lives in it with no companionship save four---well, five---grey walls. he's hardly ever in it but even when he is there there's not much difference to the cold in it. at night he doesn't sleep, his head swirls too full of the troubles from the day, he merely rests his head down in his lap and cries the night away. in the morning his pillow is stained with his tears. there are no decorations...
Vacc: i can't bear to put up pictures of all the patients i've lost.
Germane: how are you, my friend.
Vacc: two cc's. never of milk products.
Germane: you look like you came out of a Twilight Zone episode. you are colored drably black-and-white except this world we live in is colored. if i didn't know any better i'd think you were Cindy Crawford...
Vacc: i used to be a cop in the '70s. i created Barney for kids to follow. i am so ashamed of my past. now in this color world indeed the cop is obsolete...
Germane: so you switched careers to save lives this time instead of take them. and you're the best around, everyone on the block says it, you are so kind you take in the pain of your patients till they have none and you have it all stored in your gut. it's very Sesame Street. but i'm afraid you're taking on too much and are at the breaking point, the depression rubberband holding your soul. doctors are people, too...
Vacc: no they're not. they're miracleworkers expected to cure instantly. with expectorant. if there's disease the doctor knows it and has a pill for it in his pocket. covid has crushed me, you know when i first heard the early strains, the hushes, the whispers of this new pneumonia i KNEW this would be the end of humanity. i got this overwhelming pantheon of doom-metal chords playing in my sphincter that this was not gonna end well. that this thing had no easy fix, that this thing would keep coming back forever.
Germane: let's get off this particular subject, how many patients have you lost?
Vacc: too many to count, i lost a finger trying to inject one with an experimental water pill. they wheel em into my curtained space in the hospital and wheel em out dead even faster. before i get my big hairy warty bog hands on them. they don't teach you this in medical school: life. every time i lose one it's like losing an eye.
Germane: you have such puppy-dog eyes, and a jaw which juts out like an island, the island only you are on, you have such a lovable face that everyone wants to lick it. i just want to help you. need help paying the rent?
Vacc: no, i'm a doctor. i could use the money for drugs but there are no drugs. what if the vaccine never comes?
Germane: uh, that was supposed to be my question for you.
Vacc: it gets all of us now, not just geezers like me. kids, frat guys, cats, and dogs. i'm the last face they see before they shod off to Heaven or Hell. can you imagine the last face you see on earth is Abe Vigoda? but that's just the thing, they don't even see THAT! cos i'm all covered up in gear, look like an astronaut. all they see is a cloudy helmet. i tried to do the patch thing, i put my face on a patch in front of my chest so my patients could see a smiling face but that face was creepy-looking, i'm creepy when i smile. made things worse. what's your favorite music?
Germane: your heart was in the right place. oh, i was gonna ask you that.
Vacc: i like Butch Vig. Butch Vig calms me for an hour so i can slurp lunch through my mask.
Germane: now that's a strange answer. nobody likes producers. nobody can name producers. name the producer of the Beatles...
Vacc: uh...Brian...something, right?
Germane: yeah but see Vig is a special case, he's the guy who gave the world Nirvana and then we find out later he's this cool drummer all along who does Garbage on the side.
Vacc: i just like everything Vig has ever produced. i can name all his albums...all the albums he's produced...…...oh, Brian ENO!!! Eno! that's it! yeah Brian Eno is like Butch Vig...
Germane: let's trade sometime. i'll loan you some of my Enigmas...
Vacc: i got a call from a doctor. who was worried for me, it was a safety check. cos i went on Rachel Maddow the night before and i was talking so sadly and slowly as i explained the dire situation at my hospital, the helplessness, all the loved ones i had lost---and i love everyone. people thought i was suicidal and would be the next stat...
in the adjacent room:
Gladyce: how was it, dear?
Doryce: we had a grand old time! we went to the Avenue of the Giants Marathon didn't we. just you and me. the pine green scenery was so lush and dark-forest, the canopy was our black sky. one problem: we had no shoulders to lie on, WE are the legends!
Gladyce: we ran without shoes just our bare feet in honor of Pat...…...of course we used our brooms. i love how the runners all jog through that one big bog sequoia tree that has a square hole in it. of course as i ran under it i patched up the missing bark of its wood core with a wave of my wand on the way out.
Doryce: the marathon became a half-marathon at that point...
Pat: hi guys. it's summer vacation, it's covid, plus i've been indecisive about my future. so i'm doing a whole lot of nothing right now. i'm here at the Treehouse just cleaning up for you guys while you whilin', while you take your vacations. straightening up all the Motion Picture Magazines and Witchcraft Magazines strewn about the house...
Doryce: what are you making me for dinner tonight, woman?
Gladyce: look at this Screamin' Sicilian Pizza. don't you just love the cardboard mustache they provide on the box to fun with?
Doryce: i could put this under my lip and crash any frat party i want! i always wanted to be a man at a stag...
Gladyce: try digging the scoop out of a new canister of iced-tea-mix powder with a silver teaspoon! i tried and spent an entire day at it with no success!
Doryce: huh, should work. i mean it's teaspoon for tea...
Gladyce: this powder is quicksand!
Dirg: so i was cat-sitting for you two old bags and i reached for the pouch of honey pistachios but without looking it was the pouch of cat treats instead so i ate the cat treats...
Doryce: Gladyce when you look at items at The Store, you also look at the FRONT label, too. you need to see the exact picture of the food item used.
Gladyce: i know. i'm obsessed. my mind is slowly dissolving like wet powder...
in the adjoining room:
Takahashi: so i went to Restaurant Depot. cos i wanted to see how the other half lives. the half that eats restaurant-food instead of fast-food. didn't know there was a Restaurant Depot. it's like one of those bigbox stores where you can only get pickles in a 500-pound glass bottle...…...except even bigger...
Laertus: it's the final frontier. tonight on Inside Edition: men who have cats don't get the chicks...…...like that's some disease...
cat familiars: fuck em, more for us. film at eleven.
Laertus: oh i love this week's art! the No Kid Hungry logo is brilliant brilliant BRILLIANT!!! it's an apple-core that doubles with your vision to two children's faces. a triumph of design!
Dirg: did the guy who did I Heart NY copy his billion-art from that, too? i mean he already stole his legendary design legend from the guy who did LOVE all crooked and leaning and falling down, i mean how hard is it to LOVE...?
Eye Luggage: that's a good metaphor for love, always on the edge teetering. can we talk about the P&G ad now?
Dirg: no, cos gambling is bad for kids.
Eye: talk about triumph! brilliantly-laced ad, really tugs at your inner rubberband, you have this black man who is constantly looked and internally sneered at from everyone on the street. it's not overt, it's subtle, but it's there, you feel it like heavy air. turns out this black man is a judge who commands the entire white attention of his courtroom cos he has the power IN THERE but not in the real world.
Dirg: like all the NBA and NFL guys, i mean how can you stop n frisk LeBron? come on, cops, i'm doin' you a solid, i'm dealin' ya, i'm trying to save your jobs...
Laertus: how's Madame Pons?
Dirg: i'm not going down anymore. cos it went down like this:
Dirg: give me one more chance.
Pons: the vegemite thing was strike three.
so we went to LUSH for one last last-ditch effort to salvage our soulmateness. we got in line and i decided to just spill it, tell it like it is:
Dirg: look, we both know, i mean look at you, your tits are HUGE. they're massive. i just want to lose my head inside them and never come up for air again, never breathe again in solidarity. but i'm doing this right this time, i'm treating you right that's why we're in line. i'm gonna buy you the biggest bottle of scented liquid i can find to honor the roundness the plumpness the firmness of your fat globules. i get it you're fat, not a fatty. whatever the cost to coat them, to soak them in silver, bow down to them as they sparkle in the light! this is my tit tribute to you, i'm taking a knee...
Pons: look, i'll give you a soap from our collection here from these cubby holes for free, i'm not supposed to be doing this, technically we're not open still. hurry, which bath bomb do you want?
Dirg: let's see...Cloversoft? that's a LUSH soap, not facial tissue......i want to get the Peachy Emoji bath bomb in honor of your phat notice i said ph-at ass, but i guess these days i have to get the Black Ninja bath bomb to stay woke, it looks like a smiling black Pac-Man...
Dirg: whatever happens between us let us always remember the fallen and honor the place where cultivated our courtship, the U.S.S. ship, i salute thee through the branches, the Walgreens On A Hill. this is a sacred place, a mystical place where you can't see its roof cos it's covered in mist, a national landmark. a titan treasure which should never be torn down, never bulldozed for bucks, razed for profit. it's the ultimate fort in the forest. my burden, my lost mission, was The Sandwich Snack The Soup And The Soap. i wish i had had the courage of our brave soldiers in uniform. when i was on a date with you there, i saw that can of Baconator Pringles but decided not to take one. these are of course the rarest of the rare flavor and i missed my one opportunity in life!
Takahashi: hard lesson to learn, buddy. when you see a unique brand, snatch it then and there! grab that gold! it won't be on the shelves tomorrow...
Dirg: when we went on the date where you wanted me to get culture and more diversity, we went to that little quaint taqueria by the Walgreens. the one with the shelves so tight next to your hip you thought you would get cut in half by them, two sets of teeth swallowing you whole.
cat familiars: and a cat by the window licking its paws waving you in with said licked paws...
Madame Pons: i love those shelves, they're snug and tight and friendly and familiar and intimate and warm.
Dirg: then you got your platanos and special Mexican cheese, i saw one flavor of soup there they don't sell at The Store: Warhol Can Chicken With Vegetables. but i didn't get it you were already at the tight counter. we went back to Walgreens and i wanted to get my charcoal-and-clay soap cos i only saw that flavor there, not at The Store, but they only came in a six-pack of bars and i was ashamed i didn't have the money for one bar...
Dirg: and so we parted saying i had to work on myself. we adieu'd, Cam Newton soup in my hand and i never saw her again. last i heard she was at home eating her feelings strewing box upon cardboard box of GrubHub delivery takeout fast-food all around her workstation computer...
Eye: what were we talking about again?
Tyzik: i see you, Barbra from Prince of Tides! i see you on twitter! harassing President Bump like a twelve-year-old girl! nice, now that's 69. Barbra with the Barbra burn! wish somebody would give me some Disney stock. Disney Plus is insane! if you ever want to see how the Replicants from Blade Runner were supposed to be introduced, watch Bubblegum Crisis. how is Cartoon Network gonna survive? their two biggest hits, Adventure Time and Summer Camp Island, the sequel and the continuation are gonna be on HBO Max!
Eye: Greenberg and go.
Dirg: not about ESPN's own Mike Greenberg. tho it should be, i mean that guy runs the world.
Laertus: and not about Brian Austin Green, who i'm afraid has lost his wife to a machine gun. my headcanon is that the greenberg really refers to those green indoor trees at the start of the film. fascinating spectacle that, see i guess there's no natural greenery in Los Angeles anymore, it's all industrial smog and brown mountains, so the locals literally have to go inside and sit under manufactured trees for the experience of communing, perfect place for a date.
Eye: i heard those trees were cold to the touch in there. like mist. you gotta admit, we three four ALL fell in love finally with Greta Gerwig after this. she might as well be the Greta Garbo of her generation!
Dirg: agree. concur. can't hate. she's got a cute butt. she was Katee Sackhoff before we knew there would be a new Battlestar Galactica Starbuck.
Laertus: Henry's Puffy Tacos, it sounds dirty but it's not.
Henry: sounds okay to me.
Dirg: a cantina i will visit on my next date with someone else. Robot Chicken is still new? i mean imagine the strain Noah Baumbach is under. no, not the cultural strain, i mean being a New York guy and a relative of Bach. this dude is literally writing a script together with Jennifer Jason Leigh who is in the process of divorcing him. like, this script is exactly the words those two are having as they're fighting. obviously Greta had an affair with Noah on the set of this film which broke up the marriage...
Laertus: that writing room must have been as quiet as a whale's sound...
Eye: i like to think of it more as this is the film which sparked that great long romance Greta and Noah had and have still which culminated in a child. Greta's son will be the greatest feminist of all time. i love it when things work out...
Laertus: you didn't know this, you didn't realize this, but Jennifer Jason Leigh is the daughter of the guy who horrifically got his head chopped off in the Twilight Zone helicopter blade accident...moment of silence...after that, Jennifer Jason Leigh can do ANYTHING with her life, she's already won, she's already a survivor...
Eye: i'm rooting for her...
Dirg: it's cool cos she gets a free pass to act crazy the rest of her life...like Pete Davidson...
Dirg: best review of this film: Greenberg would be an awesome film...if Greenberg wasn't in it...
Laertus: Ben Stiller plays that kind of nebbish rough-round-the-edges guy who thinks he's cool but he's a low-key asshole who can't show too much cos he's skinny. he's you, Dirg, except for the skinny part.
Dirg: i'm on my elliptical taking notes...on all my enemies...my elliptical enemies...
Eye: it really shows on him, i heard Ben ate NOTHING the whole time on set. Florence Marr...of The Machine? Florence's voice on the answering machine. a love-note to the Hollywood Hills. in simpler times when everyone took hikes for exercise.
Laertus: yeah the thing is, generally, why would a beautiful soul like Greta here, lost soul sure but a decent loving woman, see ANYTHING in this asshole of a guy? after the first time he spazzes out on her like that, in real life she'd be gone forever, he'd never see her again.
Dirg: and take up with the next anonymous tree person.
Laertus: oh that's so tender, Greta after the anonymous sex, she reaches to touch his back for some sign that this was more than a blurry fuck. guy who writes letters of complaint to every company he comes across, that's a warning sign, that's a red flag, see this was in the innocent times before internet incels. this was back when people who called in to talk-radio were still seen as jokes...
Eye: you just let a mental patient go down on you...hahahahahahahaha!!!
Dirg: sure he blew up. but her story WAS stupid! and THERE. right there. that scene, that was when Greta's feminism first bloomed, right there where she had to show her tits for the sex scene on the bed. and her legs-up later on the couch.
Laertus: i'm surprised he knows what to do down there. again, unrealistic that a guy like this would have this much sex...wait, WHAT!!? these two LITERALLY JUST MEET THAT DAY! and that night they're having sex!!!? come on!!!
Dirg: see? he does nothing with his life. and still scores. he's "in a band", notice i use quotes.
Laertus: what kind of music would Greenberg actually make? emo? gotta get past the kitsch. Mahler, beautiful dog. now because of this also a known composer. James Murphy, otherwise known as the guy with that beerhall voice that sings with Bjork...
Dirg: Albert Hammond stroked and produced a Stroke...
Dirg: ...with his organ...
Laertus: that homeless '60s girl singer...
Dirg: oh yeah! Emily Zamourka, baby! who would ever go to Vietnam? except Anthony Bourdain that is.
Laertus: this guy is a destroyer, how can he be a carpenter and be good at building things?
Dirg: maybe he has a voice like a Carpenter. obvious Jesus parallel is obvious. and parallel.
Laertus: Greta is the one with the voice, he's just using her to get back into music. Ben is like, "oh, you sing? what the hell are you doing with me?" WHOA, guy! not so tough there are you, Greenberg. you tried the Midnight Cowboy I'm Walking Here on that SUV tank bus thing and almost got squashed. he is socially-awkward but so is everyone here, Baumbach writes awkward quite well. i love these wide shots of the long hilly L.A. streets lined on each side by palm trees, magnifique!
Dirg: Baumbach can't do his most recent machine tho, Scarjo.
Dirg: Greenberg does not drive, i can relate. i'm taking notes on how to survive.
Takahashi: yeah, mate, you're MY problem whenever you want to go somewhere. i'm always at the ready with my car or tank ready to key it. and to drive.
Eye: i love how even Ben can't conceive that he had enough power to voice his hard opinion and break up the band and everyone's dream. that he had a voice like that. irritating voice. this is a hard lesson in continuing with life when your dream dies. but i guess a kid is worth it.
cat familiars: we know what's wrong with Mahler, he's lethargic cos the person who takes care of him is Greenberg...a guy who sucks pool-water like gas from a siphon-hose...
Dirg: she says so herself, some of the most interesting people try to kill themselves. when is it too long to rekindle a relationship with an ex? 30 years? i thought all divorcees were gay? wait, D&C? see! i knew it! it's the DNC's fault! normalizing abortion like that like it's no big deal. that was the moment Greta became a Hollywood liberal...
Eye: they missed it in the script, i think it would have been more interesting if the baby had been Ben's. then Greenberg would have had to REALLY make a fateful life-altering decision and change his ways. that trip to the abortion clinic reminds me of that Ben Folds Five song...
Laertus: Greenberg shoulda been a doctor...even that kind of doctor...
Eye: Ben should have really gotten to know that British dude's kid...cos he is Ben's kid. and Ben needs a guide for his inevitable journey of self-discovery doing Life of Pi in the Hollywood Hills. and then that awkward party with the young kids.
Dirg: i feel him, freaked out by the sincerity of the younger generation. you can't be mean to someone who's better than you. Dan Zanes, you have to have a STRONG character to deliberately go into children's music. Mozart would be HORRIFIED that his music was used for babies.
Laertus: Mahler the dog didn't die of AIDS...but Karen Dalton did...
Dirg: whoa! Brie Larson! before Brie Larson was Brie Larson.
Laertus: Dirg, what would you have done in that situation? two babes tell you to drop your life on a dime and come with them to Australia RIGHT NOW. do you do it?
Dirg: only if they bring their guns...
Eye: and the sweet ending. but it should have gone down this way:
Ben records a long drawn-out heartstrung truth-serum painful brutally-honest emotional confessional on the voicemail. remember voicemail? and Greta looks at the message on her phone and deletes it:
Greta: it doesn't matter what you said.
Ben: i took a lot of time and anguish to make that.
Greta: it doesn't matter what the message is, what matters is you made the message. you did it for me. i know how you feel about me, but do YOU know how you feel about me? i get it, hurt people hurt people.
Ben: huh. yeah. was this film the first occurrence of hurt people hurt people?
Laertus: always thought hurt people hurt people was that Barbra Streisand thing.
Dirg: Woody Allen Junior. g'night, folks.
Dirg: i mean Lili Reinhart, right? hey, whatever works. if it takes sideboob to get enough attention for social justice...
Germane: enough, Dirg, we're here. *knocks on door*
Vacc: come in. i know, Dirg, sideboob. i'm thinking about it now but i'm still not cheered up.
Dirg: doc's got it bad. be a patriot, burn your mask.
Germane: everyone these days wearing gloves, it's like we're all in motorcycle gangs. but i solved your problem. it hit me while i was at the carwash...
Dirg: but you don't drive...
Germane: i have a car...it's uh parked on the roof...here...
Germane hands Dr. Vacc a clear plastic face-shield.
Dr. Vacc puts on the face-shield and smiles that big Abe Vigoda smile.
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