Friday, July 10, 2020



* furries, you're welcome

* she was the one. she was always the one. it was always Paula. just Paula. i remember it quite clearly. HERS was the cassette everyone in grade school had to have. boys with pockets so deep they were bigger than their cargo shorts. girls with pink braids in their hair. even the asphalt-playground wino who told all us kids what McDonald's REALLY was. Paula Abdul took on a mythic quality back in those '80s days. cos she was my first.

* what i mean is she was that first cassette that was banned in my house. well not really banned, it was more like back then i was a total nerd who knew NOTHING of modern music. the girls would twirl to "Cold Hearted" on the foursquare court, i would have no idea what the fuck was going on. they called me a snake and i took it as a compliment. all the boys in Catholic school thought Keanu was hot.

* "Straight Up", oh my! i mean everyone knew "Straight Up", each lyric, each verse, each dance move, each step, it was said in church as the prayer after taking communion. it was the first slang word we ever learned. for all of us, this was our first rock song.

* everyone conceded back then that Paula Abdul was the most beautiful woman who ever lived. she was exotic, she was Cleopatra reincarnated. that birthmark on her lip was God's own eye. and we all were Lakers fans whether we wanted to be or not, i mean we're talking about '80s Encino here! for my part, i had no idea what basketball was. i thought Magic Johnson was a wizard...turns out he was...

* Paula: throughout my career i've danced. that's it, i've danced. throughout ALL the bullshit of the world i've danced straight through it. i've danced when people told me to stop dancing. fuck you, i'm not short, i've had many painful surgeries. i can kick you you know.

* Simon Cowell: Paula, i've loved you from afar. for years. actually all this time. and still, to this day, i have never once pronounced your name right...

* Paula: was never drunk. never drugged. i got nerve disorders, baby, and i've conquered them all.

* i relate to her warmly cos we've both had serious issues with our backs...

* Paula Goodpeed, it's not enough to both be named Paula. a lot of these people who try out for the show don't want to be singers, they just want an autograph.

* i gotta hand it to Corey Clark. i believed the brother. like i really believed him! he should be an actor...

* Paula: i've had my troubles. like right now i'm being abducted by aliens.
Letterman flashes his gap-toothed toothy laugh.
Paula: but i'm lucky cos i've never had to rely on Dr. Drew. do your worst, Dave, you look like an alien.
Letterman: that's cold-hearted.

* Naya Rivera, praying for you, where there's no news there's hope...


happy weekend, my babies. trust the product, Voltron uses it for his joints.

TOMORROW: the Grilled Cheese Burrito. Taco Bell not Del Taco. cos it's the ONLY thing in the entire world that's new!!!!!!!!!!

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