Boc is having problems. he doesn't know what to do. she was a she for most of her life but now is a he. but that's not the problem, for nobody can tell the difference anyway. people look at him and see he's either a boy with a pixiecut or a tomboy who likes men with one muscle. the problem is he feels nobody actually sees him. he is on the other side of the building, the other corner from the Orchid Girls...
Boc: it's not the they in question, it's the fundamental and scary right to exist. it's the unwavering and unswerving soul-stirring baffling concept of live and let live. i mean can you really do that? can you really do that for me? ensure my safety? look into my eyes and see them with your eyes as your eyes. recognize that, yeah, maybe it would be wrong if i got killed by police. whatever my track record in the timetrials. that, yeah, maybe i can do more than be a rapper, basketball player, or politician. if i master the flute i will. if i master the piano i will. if i master the violin in tribute i will. if i master the organ dammit i will. no shame, never full stop, always full tilt. i mean look at my skin. really look at it: it's green with orange flecks. how does your brain up till now conditioned as it has been, weaned on reddit, contend with such a thing? what is your quick comeback? your list of all possible responses to masks, Costco, racism, and the best places to get a handjob at Disneyland during the pandemic. no, my favorite film is NOT E.T.!
Germane: i'm still unloading the washer. and the dishwasher. please come back at 4...
Tyzik: commercials?
Dirg: what does the A in Chick-fil-A stand for?
Laertus: Asshole.
Boc: it's not Bawk, that's for sure.
Takahashi: where did you go last weekend? i scrambled for you but couldn't find you.
Dirg: i think you mean where were you? did you get yet another new car?
Takahashi: sure. my new ride was the Isuzu Faster in the parking lot. it's basically a lean truck.
Dirg: you didn't see me? from on high? i was riding the Gatekeeper Rollercoaster. just to see if the bolts would hold. i mean look at that blatant out-in-the-open Illuminati Phoenix as the machine's spirit animal! i went to The Habit burger grill. like In N Out but new. soggier lettuce cos they dab just a skosh more thousand-island.
Cotard: oh that's lovely, young man! i haven't given up on you. you can always make good habits for yourself till you die. how's the gift shop over there? can you get a new monk habit? i've been cleaning my mask by placing it out on the sidewalk with the eggs and nut-house chalk but the Weather Channel says nothing on habits...
Dirg: it was okay. a little rare for my tastes...the meat that is...
Cotard: here. take this magazine that's been burning a hole in the cobwebbed corner of my cell...
Dirg: your cowl pocket? oh cool! The Habit Magazine! that's the Gilligan's Island Tina Louise on the cover!
Eye Luggage: Greta Thunberg looks like Bjork as a girl. Bjork was in a band you know. no, i mean Bjork was Beth Gibbons in Portishead...
Dirg: did Portishead ever play Portland?
Laertus: shame Portishead hasn't been heard from in a decade. they hated the trip-hop label but you gotta ride the horse that brung ya. they're one of those bands that haven't officially broken up but...
Orchid Girls: we checked their website...we think...we're Nene from Bubblegum Crisis!
Mardith: Beth Gibbons is the perfect example. here is a woman who was good-looking enough that people asked questions why she was a spinster with no kids. but she didn't gauge her own internal happiness by how outside external traditional boxing societal forces saw her...
Eye: that Beth is a wandering star. a free spirit. a bohemian gypsy bird who flies. can't be tied down by anyone, even herself.
Pat: philly blunts for everyone. here. here. new heat old heat. poke this poke that.
Eye: Cuomo's Boyfriend Cliff is the Jodorowsky Holy Mountain!!!
Cotard: you see this Swiss Chocolate Java Monster? very rare.
Dirg: yeah, i went to The Store and saw the last can on the top shelf. and it was there that i stopped myself in my tracks in my head. and i remembered what you said, Taka.
Cotard: you're learning! i'm praying for you. like i'm praying for all those nuns in that convent. Codrus thinks this stuff is funny.
Codrus: when it comes to ventilation. window ventilation in old buildings...
Dirg: this was my ONLY chance in all of eternity to try this flavor. it wouldn't be there tomorrow. there wouldn't be a tomorrow. so i drove back, well Taka drove back ten miles, back to the store so i could get it.
Takahashi: and i paid for it, too, you cheapskate.
Cotard: turn the can around. see all the squares? and the flag of multicolored squares?
Dirg: all secret symbols of the Illuminati. and the Matterhorn, best place for a handjob. and the gay agenda.
Cotard: see that one square with the monk in it. see? this drink is for monks only.
Eye: i had a similar experience at The Store. i saw them on display, the Pickle Rick Pringles.
Takahashi: beware of new Pringle flavors!!!...
Eye: i'm not even a fan of the show. cos it's still fratboy mentality, you know?
Laertus: i'm not a fan cos it's too popular.
Dirg: i'm not a fan cos i'm jealous of it.
Eye: but i stopped myself. and said my default position is always to say no and put things out of mind. but why not try this time? i'm not a fan of the show but was like, well, why the fuck not. so i got them. and it turns out i WILL eat to the bottom of the cylinder this time cos dill chips actually taste good!
Dirg: NO DON'T!!!
Madame Pons: so i'm thinking of tearing down the Walgreens and naming my tea shoppe Chai High.
Pons: you're teaching me, Mardith. why just yesterday in the late afternoon i saw the notice for her on my IG and my default reaction is always to skip it. but i did it this time, i had my first experience of being live with my favorite celebrity. it was magnificent and in-the-present-moment. it's scary to be present like that, doing what needs to be done at the time.
Dirg: a bowling alley is just a family-friendly night club. or a family-friendly stripper joint.
Laertus: this is how long i've been on Instagram: i was there when they first met on Instagram. and i was there when they each posted their own separate divorce posts on Instagram...
Doryce and Gladyce are in the elevator together:
Gladyce: i want to thank you, dear. when i was alone on that foggy island on my solo mission, your gift was a goddesssend. your gift of you, present with me. just what i needed at that exact right time! that care package with the Gummies from Around The World, it made me feel so special, i retraced my steps and relived all my old vacations when i was a young girl going from European village to European gingerbread chalet.
Doryce: my favorite are the tubes of filling...i'm guessing from Iceland?...shall we away to Olive Garden?
Dirg: not Olive Garden, O.G. that ain't no pepperoni pizza, that's eggplant parmigiana!
Laertus: the Radical Monarchs, they have SUCH a cool innovative logo!!!
Pons: see, Mardith? look at Sjana.
Laertus: i need a sauna after i write.
Eye: i can help you with your back...
Mardith: yeah Sjana. exactly. see what i'm saying, she's a wellness coach cos she's hot, not the other way around.
Doryce: just cos you buy it from The Store ain't mean you're gonna end up eating it. with Dirg in The Treehouse...
Pat: remember the Nice Guys Drive-In Theatre…?
Doryce: I DON'T CARE!!! i cook the Stouffer's French Bread Pepperoni Pizza even if it's not microwaveable for two minutes on high AND THEN I EAT IT!!!
Gladyce: it looks like a traffic light row of red lights. reminds me of the old country, eating it with Grandma and Grandma on our long solo quiet trips across Transylvania...
Eye: what were we talking about again?
Tyzik: was the My Hero Academia movie REALLY necessary? really? the My Hero Academia movie, that would have been perfect for toonami in December...
Eye: Hey Arnold The Jungle Movie and go.
Alex Trebek: !
Dirg: let's not beat around the bush or the penis: is this a movie or a 90-minute regular episode? cos look at the endcredits……...it's just another episode...
Dirg: Arnold's mom's got a nice butt. she's a milf. is this a recurring nightmare or a wet dream for Arnold? oh GOD those froufrou fancy inner city New York City city-skyline glass skylights as the apartment roofs. but no crosses on the windows, yet they claim to be eyes to God.
Germane: i patterned this building after that one...
Laertus: i mean that was cruel what Nick did to Craig. you can't leave a creator-animator animal hanging off a cliff like that, they are creatures of habit and spirit! this way to wrap up the series, this finale, should have been, oh i don't know, done a decade ago???!
Dirg: don't tease a man who has children's-music albums to make!
Eye: when people still cared about this wonderful series, a retro Clarence!
Eye: Helga Pataki is one of the greatest creations in all of Creation. she is a fully-formed motivational and motivated character full of vim and vigor and doesn't take fuck from anyone. she is self-actualized from seed. of the tip of the pen. she says what she wants, feels what she wants, and she's gonna get her man if she has to kill him!
Dirg: Helga was tsundere before anyone knew what that was or watched anime for the first time in the sixth-grade bathroom. the ultimate tsundere she is, that's not healthy for girls. bad for their gut digestion. they need to let it all out, stop lying to themselves and others, and stop being a drama queen.
Eye: but what if Helga grows up to be an actress?
Laertus: which football-head came first, Arnold or Stewie? oh i LOVE Mason Vale Cotton!
Dirg: my favorite cotton. you ain't fooling nobody with that unnecessarily-tiny baseball cap, Arnold. that ain't no cap, that's a blue condom for Helga...
Laertus: his voice is so unique and warm and at-ease and comforting and full of brown sugar, it's so friendly and instantly identifiable. why is not this man Keanu or Keanu's apprentice? he seems to keep a VERY low profile, and Arnold seems to be the only thing he does...
Eye: Arnold Shortman. last name Shortman, clever.
Dirg: Alfred Molina plays EVERY Spanish bad guy. every SINGLE Spanish bad guy...and of course every white guy on tv has to have a black best friend...
Eye: 33. Gerald was down with Smashing Pumpkins from jump.
Dirg: it's all downhill from here, kid. trust me, take it from me. once you enter sixth grade, you start getting homework that lasts all night...
Laertus: the grandparents are still on about '60s causes bless em. beepers? BEEPERS!!? no wonder business is bad!!!
Dirg: i was waiting for that water closet to say Owned By The Government. or Fields.
Eye: Rhonda the brunette Paris Hilton. oh i love how they hint at the Phoebe/Gerald 6th-grade hookup, cute couple! flame it in the bathroom, guys! they're made for each other, they both see through Helga's bullshit.
Laertus: oh man that's a bummer. Pigeon Man was such a seminal character for me growing up. his tale was not sugarcoated, they even intimated at the end of his episode that he had killed himself in hopeless despondence when he realized he'd never be able to get out of his homeless outcasted-by-society situation.
Dirg: didn't affect me at all...
Eye: death by balloon...
Laertus: but there he is, OKAY. and he's moved to France for fuck sake!
Eye: you know what they say about that therapeutic Parisian vineyard sun...
Eye: how does Olga get all the hunks? baby voice, baby, baby voice. cell phone bars, prison bars. that one kid who's a little too in love with his bewts and Nudie suit.
Dirg: and the kid who breathes heavily. not all heavy-breathers are pervs, some may really have asthma. and look, he saved the day! no movie without the perv.
Laertus: it really is a STROKE of brilliant genius to explain the decade of absence. they have the parents in a coma of sleeping sickness. sleeping sickness. SLEEPING SICKNESS. divine. i've never seen that before. i mean not even SOAP OPERAS use sleeping sickness!
Laertus: oh and did you see the pig see it? you missed it. the pig knows the guy is a fake and snorts, everyone misses that. i admit, they got me with the ol' switcheroo, the guide turns out to be the bad guy.
Eye: the line hey, Arnold as the first line from the parents after ten years when they wake up: perfect. pitch-perfect. yeah see, back then boarding houses weren't frowned upon as hippie pipe dreams.
Dirg: god damn autonomous zones. don't make any floating islands, kid, leave that to a direct-hit to Hawaii from a hurricane.
Gordon Ramsay: is it that Mexican restaurant? no, no it is not...
Eye: you never know a person's story, Dirg. an ethnic person's story living in your boarding house...
Dirg: China, nuff said. San Lorenzo? i swear i thought that was a made-up place...why is the class dragging Arnold? kids need to be left in cages, builds character...SOS, not BOOBS...
Laertus: you never know what a person goes through daily. good news, no more kids left to their own devices struggling to survive without parents. the Green Eyes in this case was jealousy. bad news, it's a maze. good news, those darts are out of poison tips...only Lasombra deserves the cliff this week...
Dirg: the Dodgers skipper when they won the World Series in the '80s with crowds?
Eye: no, Spanish Pinhead. or Spanish Evanescence Amy Lee.
Eye: WE GOT REAL LIP KISS! not a mask! and the raising of the girl-leg to boot! oh so Classic Hollywood! not outdated at all! yeah Helga's a stalker but she owns it! atta girl, get yo man.
Dirg: and the school doors close on Arnold's parents. Arnold says he will see his parents again at that same spot at 3:30...you know what happens at 3:30... Arnold gets let out of school and his parents are not there at the spot...his parents are gone...again...forever...Arnold freaks the panic fuck out again...g'night, folks...
Dirg: wish they kept that parade footage...true Americans love a parade...not that stupid Portlandia parade...
Mardith is literally bouncing off the walls.
Mardith: I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO! THIS IS AN IMPOSSIBLE CHOICE! it could go either way. i like this man i've been zoom-dating with and i want to send him a DM.
Dirg: known in Saved By The Bell parlance as "taking it to the next level..."
Mardith: but why sugar it, why play games? why dance around it with more lovey-dovey posts? why not list it direct. i want to tell him by DM:
i want to fuck you
that's it. i want his dilf dick.
Dirg: not all zoom meetings are zoom dates...
Pons: huh. could be sticky and tricky. he could be married.
Mardith: he is. with a kid. and i'm bff's with his wife.
Pons: he could perceive it as harrassment. he could receive it and not respond, not seen it, so you'll have no idea and never know. he could take offense and never text you again. is he the type to be playful or stick-in-the-ass?
Mardith: that's the thing i don't know. why most it be binary? why must it be beat or beat it? he is very straitlaced and serious and powermad and entrepreneurial. then again he still responds to my DMs with hearts. i told him once half-jokingly that if he ever wanted to fuck i was down and let me know. but i don't think he got that. that was the thing: half. he never saw it. i told him later in the year that if he wasn't married i'd be on him like white on rice.
Dirg: with women, you don't have to be explicit. they know exactly what you mean when you send them stuff...…...Wonder Woman art and pics of the moon...
Boc looks wainfully and wanfully at the two women:
Boc: BE HONEST. always be honest and direct with people. no matter if you're real or online. and NEVER think the people you're interacting with are beneath you, that you're smarter than them...
Pons: at The Store people were wondering where my mop was.
Dirg: same. i mean some jamoke thought i was the butcher and wanted help handling his meats.
Mardith: that's cos you two bozos wore thick dishwashing gloves to The Store!
Pons: well shit. and here i was thinking i was the next Carol Burnett...i thought they wanted to see me dance in the aisles, not cleanup them!
Mardith: we need to get you some new clothes, you look like Pigeon Woman. also, it doesn't help that on your Instagram profile it reads
no DMs. I'm not interested in finding love online
then why are you online?
Germane: here you go, Boc, thanks for waiting. i've set you all up. here are the various papers. you got an 8AM with Kanye to get fitted for his bulletproof vest, just in case. he'll be going to see a psychiatrist in every city on the campaign trail. two tickets to Orlando to see LeBron in The Bubble. and you're doing the rap album to the 12 Oz. Mouse revival...
Dirg: Ozmo as the kids call it...
Boc: um, your heart's in the right place, Germane. but no. i did it all myself. i helped myself. i got myself a scholarship all on my own to the Berkeley Berklee. i applied online, and earned it.
Dirg: oh. i thought you just hacked into their system and sent all their white-privilege admissions to the New York Times to get in.
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