Friday, July 31, 2020



* you know i just realized this now. i get asked the eternal question, as does everyone in Encino and Edmonton: what celebrity do you look like? for years i've been going with Drake BUT YOU KNOW WHAT!? i really do look like Eric Andre! need the haystack hair but i'm right there.

* Parker: so how's the new job going? have people warmed up to the new Jake?
Jake: um, yeah...i mean not really...i don't read the comments anymore...
Parker: i do. people warmed up to me instantly and i'm new.
Jake: yeah we all know why...…'s your jeans, i need those jeans...

* Jake: you know you're in trouble when a girl brings a bag that's bigger than her.
Parker: like my car? i bought the car AFTER i bought the bag to match...
Jake: when you said we'd be platonic roommates i didn't know know you meant you'd park that car in the middle of my living room.
Parker: hence my name.

* Jake: are you an actor?
Parker: fourth wall, dude.
Jake: no it's just you do that thing where you point with both hands clasped touching fingers in a triangle like everyone in Hollywood does...

* Jake: pepperoni pockets, is that code for sex?
Parker: no. they're pizzas with pockets on the side so you don't miss any drop of grease.
Jake: atomic brownie, code for sex?
Parker: that's Trump's gift to the Japanese PM this coming Christmas party at the White House...
Jake: cuckoo crustees? is that code for sex?
Parker: that's fried bird. figured cos you're the bird guy...

* Jake: you're supposed to be my live-in girlfriend and THIS is the art you contribute to the place!?
Parker: what? those are my subway routes. 
Jake: no wonder it never gets delivered on time!

* Jake: you know i could just order Papa Chano's from GrubHub.
Parker: now THAT is code for sex.

* i watered my lawn for the first time in ages. felt so sorry for that pile of dirt in the middle of summer. is it a good sign when your plants shake your hand? trying to screw on the nozzle i now know how a drinking dog feels. are you supposed to take headache medicine everyday? i helped my mom with her velcro shoulder strap. all i'm saying is just make everything doublesided velcro...

* who's Joe's VP gonna be? let's make a deal: Oprah gives Trump her old show and...

* the hurricane: is it a thing or is it not a thing? these are the questions on the Florida schools entrance exam. whatever the answer, the school this question is answered in will be open...

happy weekend, my babies

TOMORROW: following along with the burger theme, it's gonna be McDonalds again. why? see i've never done that thing where you take the beige paper Big Mac box, leave the burger in one side, bend the lid over, put the fries in the lid. i've never eaten two-way like that in all my years of existence on this flying rock.

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