Wednesday, July 15, 2020

SAX, PLAY US OUT: GAME GIRLS


Courtney E. Morgan, Amy Pistone, Ginny Hogan, and Whitney Mallett may walk together as a unit, but they are four of the strongest independent lens-minds this block or Obec U has ever seen. the group approaches Germane's room, though nobody knows exactly where Germane's room is located.

they just sort of feel it out in the dark despite the lights being on and paid for. they just sort of sense like all the residents do when Germane is taking a shower. not the short sound of water droplets on tile but rather a feeling.

Germane: don't worry about the rent. i'd be nice to have a quadruple but i'll manage. i will help you but i'm currently taking a shower so that will be my day today. come back at 4 when i'll be done getting ready for the day.

Orchid Girls: see! this is stupid. i told you we shouldn't have come. we don't need a man for this or anything!

Orchid Girls: well of course WE know this. but THEY don't. you have to implode the organization from the inside. the patriarchy has had free reign since time began to write the history books we were forced to learn from. almost turned us off reading. it's gonna take time. time we don't have. what we need is a major in.

Dirg: ladies. ladies, wanna join my club? there's lotsa room. how do i address you? they, right? no seriously, they is the correct pronoun now. what is your major malfunction THIS morning, you she's.

Orchid Girls: what rock'd you slime outta?

Dirg: hey don't you gals live over there by the corner? corner room. you should be called the Corner Cun…

Orchid Girls: we're the Orchid Girls!!! you know, we're getting the band back together! reinstating the institution, it's been far too long without our influence. the problem we have is YOU. the way you guys perceive us. you dismiss ALL of us as those she-devil WASPy New York elite Yale Boness Club jewess princess girls with the milkers. who all think the same, who think men are trash, we've never had a real orgasm, and generally all have the same jokes about our vaginas and kissing Johnny Depp posters at every brick-wall comedy gathering. we all wear green sweaters and have glasses we don't put on in public, draw the same ironic cartoons about balloons with penises, are the only ones who live by our local public library. wrote our first book at age 11. we hate twitter but can't live without twitter. trying to slive post-9/11. our purses filled with individually-wrapped bubblegum. hopeless-romantic twentysomethings with girl crushes who ate our chapstick at prom. that perception of us, THAT perception...

Dirg: i was napping. not nodding, this is actually my designated nap time. i hear ya, i hear ya, this ain't DuckTales no more! seriously tho there are WAY too many cartoons and comic panels with the brain and the heart as characters...

Taki: i just don't know. i just don't know what to do. for the first time in my life i'm at a loss for actions. i genuinely have no idea what to do. what should i do? everytime i clean up Pons's mess of her evening dinner, there's a brown carry-out square filled with three clear circles of sauce. it's all so messy. sometimes the sauce is spilled or it's left full in the container. should i rinse each individual sauce tray EACH time!!!? that would take hours! or do i leave all the food in there as i recycle? i love my sister but i'm losing strength. i'm a ghost...

at the Red Circle Table:

Tyzik: commercials?

Jada: ooohh oooh oooooooh. they so missed a point! it was right there in their hands! they have Jeff Goldblum doing a once again notha commercial for Apartments.Com. the place for a place. and it's one featuring a fly flying around the room. i can't BELIEVE they didn't do a The Fly motif! that was the perfect riff!

Dirg: Jada, do you have a major announcement?

Jada: Red Circle Table will be closed all the month of August……...what? it's our usual summer vacation...i have an entanglement with August...i don't like August much, the month...

Pat arrives carrying on his head boxes and boxes of hot Mr. Mac's Mac N Cheese for everyone.

Orchid Girls: not that kind of hot box.

Takahashi arrives in his new G Wagon.

Takahashi: Baconator Pringles taste disgusting...

Takahashi: i mean why spend any time doing an online Yelp review of a Taco Bell...?

Laertus: why did they change the Gabi dude with the heavy accent!!? too ethnic for you?, you stupid corporate exec bastards.

Takahashi: you can add any any ANY word before Pizza and you got yourself a pizza place...

Dirg: Forge of Empires, i mean come on. see? see, bro? the two cavemen were gonna trade the wife, perfectly legitimate, but they stop short at the last minute. civilization would have been better if they hadn't...

Eye Luggage: Vin Gupta is MSNBC's trying-to answer to CNN's Sanjay...

Laertus: the new Teen Titans Go Night Begins To Shine special...

Dirg: what's wrong with the millennial PC neutering of all America.

Laertus: but you gotta admit, the Sam Elliott sheriff was cool...

Eye: that '80s NBTS music is the only music me and my mom can listen to together. it brings her back to her glory days and me to the start of goth music. even after the third one she thinks it's NKOTB...

Dirg: why is anonymous sex in your city following me on Instagram?...Paul Kane the painter still has a twitter!!!...

Eye: Le Bon Marche! this department store is still open!!!

Mardith: do you know how you find your soul mate?

Madame Pons: stop looking?

Mardith: find a girl who reads...

Pons: you're teaching me. i am so proud of you. here i am curled up in a nervous ball shuttered in my room looking up rage rituals online, and here you are being so brave and taking the leap of female faith and going on zoom dates! you're strong. you live life fearlessly. to you it's not a risk, it's simply the next thing. i could never muster the courage for a zoom date now in these times with a complete stranger! for me it's a refill. a refill of pills. you let NOTHING stop you from finding love! i'm looking right now at the entry form for Lost Resort, that TBS reality show for alternative healers, i need to get out there again...

Dirg: i love that Papa Roach song. i masturbated to that song that night instead of going to prom...

Vacc: i know about time. the pain of wait. waiting for an eternity locked up in a guess, an idea, a thought, a worry, a sign. as a doctor i'm completely helpless. each and every morning i do the same thing. it's my routine. i google vaccine, remdesivir, and dexamethasone to see what the headline will be. it's been months doing this now, i've recorded in my head each and every day of these months. there's no progress for months, the headline each day is just a slight tweaking to include some new word of information...it's a good sign the stock market is buying out all the old stock of supplies...

the crones come back from Kare Toronto:

crones: oh she's a mensch! she's a mensch alright! so many delicate unique tragic trinkets there! for our lavender laboratory! and the red giraffe...

Gladyce: we're come back from watching Neowise…

Doryce: that comet won't be back for 7000 years!

Gladyce: i'll remember to wake you...

Doryce: i fucked Neowise. his tail blew my back out. that man had an old soul...

Doryce: it was so beautiful at night at the viewing party on the hill. all of us rolled around when the clouds came in, i promised marriage to each and every pad monster there...…...no, not my period, linebackers...

Laertus: Bryan Callen is just a Joe Rogan wannabe.

Dirg: that Costco karen was wearing a mask! that's disappointing...

Eye: Robert Pirsig's son was killed in a...Zen center? in San Francisco!!!? is there no justice in the world!!? was there ever justice in the world?

Dirg: notice how beloved Grant Imahara was? why do the ethnic types get more love than the white hosts?

Eye: *konks him on the head* cos the public they see their struggle, dummy!

Dirg: why, Dominique Provost-Chalkley, why!!! what a waste!!! she was my chalk on every brackets!!! she was my schoolteacher opening early...

Eye: what were we talking about again?

Tyzik: i admit, Greenberg got me into a Taco Cabana. even in Texas. i wanted to see if their green drink is just a Sonic Lime Slush Float. that green taco made me green. too much chile. Texas, a red state, won't be blue soon, it'll be green soon...

Eye: yeah i mean those art galleries of the '70s, you know? that just isn't a thing anymore, sadly. all that ambiance and atmosphere are forever gone. see, nobody's gonna spend $1200 for an art piece, ANY art, you now simply view the art at another Instagram post and move on...

Eye: My Hero Academia: Two Heroes and go.

Laertus: also known as the Snyder Cut.

Dirg: the two heroes, of course, being money and fame. Plus Ultra! i love that Depeche Mode album...

Dirg: wait, why wasn't the Frog Girl included in the action!!? she's best girl!!! neither the Invisible Girl! Invisible Girl is best girl!!! will they FINALLY show what she looks like, show? i mean eventually this girl is gonna have a sex scene and the outline of her features is gonna be revelaed covered in cum.

Dirg: wait, hold up hold up. no way! Melissa Shield. no teen girl has tits that large. and look at that ass! that is the phattest ass of all time!!! but why oh why did the animators make her wear glasses?

Vacc: i don't get it. why isn't she wearing a face shield?...

Dirg: she is, her glasses.

Laertus: like a mermaid with glasses, rare and representational.

Eye: you'll see, dummy, watch the film to the end.

Dirg: All Might's smile: creepy or Supermanesque? i'm thinking of getting my wisdom teeth pulled during the pandemic...

Dirg: whoa! All Might lookin' like that Skinny Superman!

Laertus: you need to save all the wisdom you can. so this island, this island's the MMA Fight Island, huh.

Dirg: yeah, Ochaco's not jealous. just tell me, i don't have time to read the manga, she and Deku end up married, right?

Tyzik: all that matters is if their kid will be green...

Eye: that ain't no gauntlet, that's the Game Genie!!!

Laertus: Deku will help! and so will......the others!

Dirg: oh look, THIS is actually where IcyHot uses his fire for the first time. *sarcastically* thanks, toonami.

Germane: up so many stairs my eyes see stars. couldn't they have just used the elevator?...

Dirg: ah now i get it. the glasses in the beginning delivers the audience the fatal blow of seeing Melissa Shield now fucking hot without glasses. in her prom dress. this is all for paheal later...

Dirg: i know what it feels like when a lifelong childhood friend betrays you. right, Laertus? David Shield, i mean is it okay to keep secrets form your daughter if it's for the greater good?

Laertus: just ask Corin Nemec.

Dirg: his name reversed is The Rock's Semen. the real villain in this wasn't Wolfram. or even All For One. it was Fordham University. it's the system. change the system. change the system to help yourself.

Eye: this villain is trying way too hard to be Lin-Manuel. at least rob the casino whilst singing "Hungry Like The Wolf"...

Dirg: all this for a headset? i hate headsets! youtubers use headsets!

Eye: for a cyberbrain, okay, otherwise i'm not playing. the butler did it, the butler literally did it. Broadway actors get no respect, the lengths an actor will go to nab that Oscar.

Dirg: that awkward feeling when the video game based on the movie is better than the actual movie...

Dirg: will Deku's baby that he has to have and be saddled with to carry on the One For All lineage be Ochaco's or Melissa's? tune in next time to the next movie!...i mean there's a surefire way to find out! if the baby's wearing glasses when it pops out...…...g'night, folks...

Eye: the concept of teenage pregnancy does not exist in anime...

Germane, with shirt unbuttoned lounging in the inside of the lobby elevator: you know what Instagram is? everybody creating bad tv...

Dirg: hello, ladies. can i smack these crankypated bitches with my mojo hand? can i, ladies?

Orchid Girls: can we stick this Staedtler pen up his ass?

Germane: never ask permission. yes, but later. i want you to meet someone very important to your cause. she's lived here at this same building you call home you belong this whole time, you guys are all residents here. she keeps to herself...

Dirg: oh so Cher in Moonstruck is okay to strike to snap people out of it but not me? come on, ladies, i want each of you on my arm like birds on a wire as we go to Omni La Costa golf course for a very special date with President Bump. i want to golf with him so bad! i want to play arcade Centipede with Ivanka while she eats Goya beans and i hold her joystick.

Eye: despite everything i can never deny that Ivanka is hot. i will never find something new, i'll never quit her.

Eye hugs Marion Stokes as she pokes her head out the shaft.

Eye: sorry to get you all sweaty. i know you have a thing about space. it's just such a pleasure to meet you, you're my idol! there's nothing like the smell of old videotape...

Laertus: you invented the internet, Ms. Stokes.

Marion Stokes: watcha thinking?

Orchid Girls: The Thought Erotic, expanding the universe one sex thinktank at a time...

Marion Stokes: oh i know all about thinktanks living in Washington for so long that i did. public perception is NEVER the truth. what is reality? what is Washington realty? what is entertainment? have my video collection, that's your gateway into the world of rich dads and oil and media manned by men, see if you can't slip your way through this long reel of tape with the acerbic knives of your fingernails.

*group hug of solidarity in the lobby*

Marion: the Fabulous Fingers of a Hand. a woman's delicate pimp hand ready to smack.

Dirg: can you teach me chess? it's my only gateway into the black community.

Germane: i love you, Marion. but please don't end up like her, girls.

Orchid Girls: don't worry, we'll navigate the pitfalls, we'll get out there again. we loved your generation of fight and vim, Madame Gatekeeper Marion. but we have one thing your generation didn't: episodes of the A&E show Hoarders on tape...










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