FAKE SHEMP

 

Jen R arrives at the Santa Cruz Beach Boardwalk in her Sharon Christensen black Popeye porkpie hat and red felt gloves.

Jen R: i am a dowager ready to golf. i'm in my full-body pink pajama onesie. my feet are connected to the rest of me.

me: there's such a wide gap between mini and real golf.

Jen: pay attention, my child, and you shall see, you shall glean the secret. look at my club. be the club, not the ball.

Jen R: like see that mini-golf obstruction yonder? it's a tree, like my family tree, full of nuts.

me: nuts, both meanings. why can't we both be related to Snoopy?

Jen: aposiopesis is not peeing with your penis, it's when i go .........

me: you still there?

Jen: loaded question. let's abseil off this cliff...

Jen R: remember pharmacy milkshakes?

me: yeah. the original soda shoppe. the early jerk shop, no offense to that It's A Wonderful Life villain.

Jen: i love that whole concept that ice cream is a form of medicine, ice cream is another prescription pile of pills. the world would be an easier place if everybody did E-scrip. i go for the brambleberry.

Ear Horn: oooh, rubus!!!

Lindy Lenz: so i told this guy i had 10 husbands, 19 wives, and 4500 kids.

me: as if you having 2000 kids would definitely get you on that date. would you like me if i had a Greek penis?

Lindy: a 40-year marriage is the ultimate thing two people can do in this world. it's the only thing that matters.

me: it's the only thing that lasts.

Lindy: a 40-year marriage is a living garden, it must be tended each and every day, not something to take for granted, let's not jinx it by discussing this further...

me: do you guys have cool monasteries in Baltimore?

Lindy: yeah, let's have lunch at the monastery like we were going to Denny's. let the two of us stay in one monk cell, the monks will DEFINITELY be down with that.

Abbot Butt: monks are cool like that. monks love all that stuff.

me: i love the shows we watch together.

Lindy: yeah but for the longest you thought Below Deck Med was a medical show like ER...

Lindy Lenz: you got a clear path with me.

me: *thinking*

Luka Doncic: no foul.

me: i haven't been to the dentist in decades, my teeth are old, i am old.

Jules Smith: look a gift horse in the mouth, you look at the horses's teeth, you inspect the horse's choppers to determine its age, it was bad form because you were saying the gift had problems, it had defects.

me: what can i learn from a horse to better my life?

Jules: the whole Trojan Horse thing wouldn't have happened if they had just looked in its mouth...

Jim Cantore: that thing when you're at the weather map pointing out all the cities the tornado COULD hit.........i feel like God...

Fuerza: yeah but have you had the McHam yet? i have.

at the '80s Vaporwave laundromat.

Bill Walton: make tie-dye shirts like this in the washing machine. i'm making this one for Bald Bull. use the agitator with the rubberbands and Easter-egg dyes like MacGyver.

Paul: does this work with incontinence blankets?.........can you tie-dye incontinence blankets?...

WGBH Boston: we invented neon...

Neil Diamond: not me?...

Dr. Johnny Fever: not me?...

Niagara Falls: we have rats. it's natural, it's important for the ecological chain. plant things. this is the most famous waterfall in the world, because it's a circle waterfall, the circle of life...

Rainbow Falls: what about OUR circle?...

Julia Child: weather is so important when you're cooking, don't cook ANYTHING if it's hot outside...

The Outer Limits: here's the part where the female partner reminds the male partner that his wife died two years ago and it's time for him to move on.........with her.........by fucking her...

Danny DeVito: have you ever heard of a taxi dancer?...

Mark Hapka's son with Maiara Walsh: 5:55, let's try this out...

Paul at the Haunted Mansion at Disneyland with a plunger: this house hates me...

Paul: NO PAPER NO PAPER!!! let the toilet rest for a day...

the Lucky Charms Leprechaun: remember, wash your whole bottle of Irish Cream after each use, under running cold-as-fuck water.

April: the 4th month, think about it...

Michael Imperioli: i was never afraid of getting whacked by the mob, i was afraid of turning into a vampire...

Polident: gingivitis is goth.

Greykid: Toonces teeth. hey is there a way for cats to get calm? calmers for cats?

Polident: Purina...

summers at Berkeley: bums standing menacingly over soda cans stomping them underfoot with their heavy tattered faded beige work boots on Telegraph Ave....

Paul: clear your pipes...

on Instagram.

stranger: do you remember me?

Michael Weiss: ...

Michael Weiss: *heavy sigh*

Turtle Jack's: imagine cruising ONLY the Monterey-area club scene.........that is true hell...

Al Pacino: tell me about it.

Martin Yan: i make the Caitlin Clark Heart with my oil in my wok to season it...

Abby Lampe: cheese-rolling is not fun, it's engineering.

Jules Smith: it's folk fun, not volleyball.

Abby: i'm gonna threepeat next year...

Jules: cheese-roll with that Kate Bush "Hill" song playing in your head.

Abby: this cheese wheel is too pungent.

Jules: nonsense, you're a fish, right? you're Don Knotts's daughter? just drink it fondue-style. the entire Baskervilles have fallen quiet, time for a year of silence for the wake...

Bustamante: Corona Extra is for crazy white folk on water skis. Corona Familiar is the real stuff from Mexico, por familia.

Lucio Rossi: how do i get out of the spam-call loop?!!! it's fucking Night Gallery in my head, spinning endlessly...

Paul: PEX pipe is the way to go. replace your 100-year-old copper pipes which are younger than me. of course you're not gonna be around here anymore, right?...

Hope Sandoval: you should have stayed at Berkeley, you would have had me, Uncatchable Hope Sandoval, as your wife...

Albert Einstein: time moves faster on the moon.........i did it all for Ben 10!!!

Leslie Sbrocco: don't talk to me about breast pumps. i can seduce you in 11 languages, and two French and Italian cheeses.

Mister Rogers: the language of L.A....

Leslie: i'm sticky? you don't know sticky till you've had a couple scotcheroos under your belt, Mister Rogers. at the beginning of each Check Please, i introduce the concept with a Three Stooges cross-armed handshake...

Minster: but have you tried Benedictine wine, baby? come to the dark monk side.

Leslie: yeah, dark-red blood grapes...

Mister Rogers: she calls me Master Rogers in bed. Mister Minster? stop playing with my trolley, son!!!

Minster: sorry, dad, i thought you were in the church before...

Suzy Lu in a plaid shirt: i'm finally getting around to getting into Nirvana. my generation missed so much...

Steejo: i kickbox to Nirvana music.

Kurt Cobain: that's not what our music is for. just don't use "Polly" for anything...

Bustamante: what's our new goth band name?

Julie Patzwald: Milk Bubble.

green avocado: see you're not supposed to eat me. let me ripen. you need to wait 4-7 days.

Oscar the Grouch: i can't wait that long, nimrod!!! peeling your hard-as-granite skin lopped my fucking finger off. i hope you're happy. i hope you're satisfied. Jim Henson voiced me on his angry days.

green avocado: wait till i turn Vaporwave purple...

Pati Jinich: i will pray to Avocado God for you to soften, Oscar.

Minster: ministerial is magisterial.

Mardith: ladies, the enemy is not men, the enemy is underwire.

Tina Fey: *closing her eyes and nodding her head*

Marie Tucek: my bra blew your tuchus away.

Mardith: or everybody could just wear a demi bra...

Julie Patzwald: or our band is Bad Bra...

Paul: if you run out of paint for the parking lanes, use masking tape...

Dirg: look, i know the Gaza thing is tragic, but do you find me sexually attractive?...

cumba: cum in the bedroom...

A Chorus Line: you WISH you had the '80s stones to watch this movie...

Eye Luggage: The Evil Dead and go.

Bruce Campbell: it's a nice easy life when you're childhood friends with Sam Raimi. i hit the friend lottery. i don't need to be Johnny Depp...

Laertus: i'll be honest with you, i've never gotten the whole horror thing, the horror genre. the horror fanbase is RABID, those horror fans go CRAZY. but why?

Eye: it's like you waiting in line at an Ingmar Bergman Con for Ingmar to sign your penis.

Ingmar Bergman: con, both meanings.

me: i have a deep affinity with Shemp, he was terrified to drive like me.

Shemp: my name is Sam.

John Belushi: i just feel for poor Shemp in that taxi, that could have been me, you know?...

Wolverines!!!: don't worry, this isn't Red Dawn, just five nice Michigan State college students having some fun in the weird woods. in the marshy mountains.

John Belushi: yeah it's more like Saturday Night Live's first episode. because isn't Evil Dead supposed to be a PARODY?...

Jen R: dude, don't attack the drawer, man, don't attack the sketchbook artist.

tape recorder: in the future, don't actually say the spell into the tape recorder...

Raymond Knowby: speak & spell, an '80s staple. i know...

crones: ...

Hayao Miyazaki: the tree rape wasn't THAT bad. it was basically tentacle hentai in real life, it was fine, it was fine. 

Bruce Campbell: did i need to be thrown into a cabinet full of glass FIVE times?!!! what's up with my haircut?...

Richard DeManincor: not THAT's a last name...

Julie Patzwald: that wins goth name of the century. century media.

Sam: anyone up for a game of cards? UNO? let's pick up the mood on this set...

Ellen Sandweiss: i'm not dressing up as a Dune worm for you again...

Sam: no more sandwiches, i promise.

me: omg i remember Spades!!! remember Spades? remember UCLA drama camp in '80s summers?

Jen R: that's where i made my first bet. that's where i learned about gambling. the innocent days.

Deadite: not a refrigerator company.

Bruce Campbell: in hindsight, maybe i should have given my betrothed a bite shield instead of a mirror. who the fuck am i gonna marry now?!!! no i am not Joe Bob Briggs, stop asking me for my picks...

Bruce: wait, let me gaze at this Duel sunrise Dennis Weaver-style a bit more...

Stephen King: doesn't it seem The Cure should be on this soundtrack?...

Sam Raimi: how the hell, both meanings, did i go from Evil Dead to Spider-Man? from the indie-est of indies to the blockbuster-iest of blockbusters? from Super 8 marshes to summer mainstream. g'night folks. have a pleasant night, there's nothing to be frightened of.

Jen R and i are on a real golf course in Santa Cruz...

Jen R: Big Sur Beach Boardwalk, is that a thing?

me: Sam Raimi just peed in the sky and told me it was raining.

Jen: look, i'm using my putter as my only club, that's the best way to win at real golf...

me: you're correct, it's the best way to stay regular playing regular golf, it cuts down on the constant conundrum of choosing a club.

Jen: crisis at the club. high scores and holes-in-one will follow. champion hole.

Jen R and i by a fire in the middle of the golf course.

Jen R: a golf course is a really bad place for a fire. happy weekend, my babies. tomorrow: what we eatin'?

me: i lost my DoorDash gold card.

Lindy Lenz: can you get a Family Size of chips if you don't have a family?...

 

 

GIANT DIPPER

 

me: where on the Santa Cruz Beach Boardwalk hot sandy grounds are we going now?

Jen R: Giant Dipper.........it's not like that...

me: i dunno, i'm rickety on rollercoasters, especially wood rollercoasters. i mean this thing is right next to the ocean!!! won't all that salty backwash erode the wooden poles?

Jen R: don't think about it, this coaster's been around for 100 years, what could go wrong?

me: well that was an unnecessarily long line.

Jen R: i know, right? you have to come here on Arbor Day. i could eat a whole funnel.

me: you're cute when you're hungry.

Jen: don't say that, that was cringey even in the '80s.

me: hey can you get those ADHD gummies of yours at CVS?

Jen: you gotta be careful with gummies, you can't bubble your way out of life. it's medicine, not candy, you know?

Jen R: okay i have the thing that will make you like and go on this rollercoaster...

Jesse Eisenberg: the shock of pickles, you know?...

Josh Gibson and Babe Ruth at Rickwood Field.

Josh Gibson: so by now you've heard the news?

Babe Ruth: yeah. you're better than me. in all categories.

Josh: even in lovemaking. i stole your girl. i stole your babe.

Babe: can i at least sing "White Christmas" with Bing Crosby on NBC this year?

Cool Papa Bell: coolest nickname on any field. i'm your daddy, Ruth.

Jen and i on the Giant Dipper rollercoaster.

Jen R: i eat Peek Freans, they're Superman shortbread cookies.

Superman: remember those American Express commercials i did with Jerry Seinfeld? that was the last time i had that cum-drizzle hairstyle...

Margot Kidder: oh yeah, the cum-dollop hair. the cum-splooge hair.

Jen: i ascend to my peak powers after eating them, you can't look at me naked anymore. want some? for friends.

me: better not then.

palmier: butter braid.

Jen P: like my hair, a better butter braid...

Mardith: there he is, there's my man, Daniel Dae Kim, being a showman, dancing up a storm on that PBS stage for Rodgers & Hammerstein's 80th Anniversary. but who's that old granny dancing with him?!!!

Maria Friedman: these are musical-theatre tits, child, you wouldn't understand, you can't compete.

Billy Corgan: in no way did i copy Rodgers & Hammerstein for my Mellon Collie art...

Jen R: i go to Subway just for the churro now.

Walt Disney: it's too far to walk to Disneyland...

Morgan Spurlock: can you do me a favor? no more motorized walkers. let everyone at Disneyland walk. it's a start. it's a start at least.

Walt Disney: that'll cost money. won't it? more rope for lines...

Boc: i'm so healthy i've never eaten a churro.

Pati Jinich: ...

Bill Walton with a tie-dye fro: Austin is only a city that matters if it remains weird like Portland.

Jean-Luc Picard: he was a man, take him for all in all, i shall not look upon his like again.

Shakespeare: that was one of mine. one of my best.

Data playing basketball wearing a Bill Walton headband: ...

me: it sucks to be stuck. but you have me. lean on your friends in times of crisis.

Jen R: i have a crisis every morning. but in the afternoon i have mellowed. how long would a car trip coast to coast from New York to L.A. take?

me: one week.

Jen: two weeks if you take the scenic route.

Johnny Wactor: it's the independent writers who will save us. let us all share a fleeting moment of grace...

Boc: all i see are little creature tails flitting about the tall weeds not reeds. i hope they're from a chipmunk named Alvin and a grey dove named Kid...

Alvin: the Rescue Rangers were shit.

Monaco: just "say" that you live here...

Rafa Nadal: but i can't lie anymore, the government knows who i am...

Monaco: just "say" you have a house here. Monaco is a magic little corner of the world...

Rafa: God lied to me...

Lolly Vegas: girls just want to have fun. as do boys. as do Native Americans. finally. no i don't see Sheryl Crow around here...

Lance Armstrong: it's road race, not road rage.

King Lear: were you my only son? pity.

Mr. McFeely: never trust mail that's just a big white envelope with no return address...

Debra Winger: i'm an actress. but i never really wanted to be an actress, you know?...

Debra Winger's mother: actress, no stress...

Angel Hernandez: i loved what i did. okay? i loved being an umpire...

Bill Walton: unlike Jane Fonda, my headband didn't stink like hot garbage.

Jane Fonda: how can that be, you big lug? i'm always naked.

Leslie Sbrocco: Natural Ovens.........not my tits...

Jen R: a good bakery for Big Sur. to aid in the recovery. you gotta start somewhere. we all gotta start somewhere again.

Rainbow Brite unicorn: remember in the '80s when everyone had that white puffy bed blanket with the rainbow stripe down the middle?...

Minster: Passionate monk, nothing to do with sex. but it can. 

Passionist: are you even a minister?

Minster: no i haven't completed all the requisite night-school classes yet. it's my name not my title. don't wear it out.

Bustamante: like my Glossy Taco nails? they wouldn't let me through customs with these, they wouldn't let me into Mexico!!!

 

Michael Weiss: i'm tired of constantly explaining shit to people on Instagram, i'm done...

at Wendy's.

Jules Smith: finally i can go to a Wendy's. one English Muffin Deal.

Kathryn: that'll be 5 bucks.

Jules: we don't say bucks in Britain.

Kathryn: do i need to wear a Sherlock Holmes tam and blow a bubble pipe?

Jules: all potatoes in Britain are country potatoes...

Sleep Number.

wife: i'm hot. get it?

husband: and i'm cold. on the bed. 

Hello Meteor: basically all the beds turn into Vaporwave. makes you feel like HOME.

AT&T wedding photographer: this is like that last Cut For Time sketch that's always on the last episode of the SNL season before summer...

Lorne Michaels: SNL should have ended when John Belushi died...

me: why is everybody so happy at weddings? dancing up a storm even when they can't dance. all uninhibited for the first time in their lives, wild and crazy.

Jen R: because it's not their wedding, marriage is bullshit, just love each other.

brown bunny: you'll never find this jacket...

AI: just did. 

brown bunny: okay but how do you know my address? Peter Cottontail lives in THAT hole?

AI: want me to summarize your emails?

brown bunny: no drugs.

AI: basically everyone wants you dead.

Caitlin Clark: wait, I should be doing the "Foul" State Farm commercial, not Chris Paul...

Caitlin Clark: that's a fucking foul. that's foul like your vagina, ump. that's right, i'm hardcore, baby.

Al: i don't get that reference, it says it's from an episode of Miami Vice entitled "Like a Hurricane" with Sheena Easton that reminds everybody of Silk Stalkings?...

nothing but stares: why wasn't this a Ritchie Valens song?

Idris Elba: work is not working. want me to sign your cast?

McDonald's worker: who are you?

Idris Elba: i'm a rapper. also, the President of the United States, think about it, no more 2024 stress. hello, Stephen Hawking.

Stephen Hawking: i'm eating my McDonald's Salad Shaker. i'm behind a desk now, no more chair...

Idris Elba: i'm not nice, i'm British, do you Americans know what polite is?

Pedro Pascal: i should have been the original Boba Fett. but i drink my bottle of Corona here and all my problems vanish like The Force. the jungle is better than the beach. both are better than the city, the city is shit if you want to escape. you can't dance in the city anymore.

Boba Fett at Comic Con: will the real Boba Fett please stand up? that didn't help, you're all wearing helmets.

Pedro Pascal: look at my Pasqually mustache.

Boba Fett: my phone can locate all the other Bobas.

other Bobas: track you mean. that's lame, dude, the rest of us have laser blasters.

Boba: i am TERRIFIED of getting lost. i have recurring nightmares about getting lost at Comic Con. all those escalators that don't work bleeding into stairs. i can handle Jabba the Hutt.

Bustamante: we the Chicas Leches. the Tres Problemas. the Marianelas stamp is on our long-ass nails. i got a QUEEN chola choker around my neck, i like the band. i eat my Chipotle with SPARKS not sauce. Caitlin Clark's coming for you, Lisa Leslie. 

Julie Patzwald: the three of us show off our tricked-out cherried-out Two-Lane Blacktop Pinto on the sand, surf, and sun of the Santa Cruz Beach Boardwalk at 8:30 PM when everyone's gone home. always right at sunset. there's no space to park because of that damn Ferris Wheel.

Martin Short: am i in a gang now? The Three Amigos were never really much of a gang.

Jen R: so.........the Giant Dipper rollercoaster was in the film The Lost Boys.

me: okay you got me, i'm a  sucker for '80s movies. this ride is cool now. 

Jen: night scene with the boys and the coaster in neon. 

me: you know what would be even cooler? if we went back in time and STARRED in the movie The Lost Boys.

Jen: i can make that happen, i invented a time machine a long time ago but they wouldn't give me a patent because i was a girl. but we can only be extras. okay? extras are the blood of Hollywood. the lifeblood.

SKY GLIDER

 

we're at the Santa Cruz Beach Boardwalk. Jen R and i are on the Sky Glider.

me: i'm not liking this, i'm scared of heights, and this is REALLY HIGH!!! doesn't seem too safe, there's just one thin wire holding us all up from crashing onto sand.

Jen R: relax, the Disneyland one is higher but you were relaxed because of all the Disney characters.

me: my kidney is jumping, more like Kidneyland.

Jen: tram tranquility. this place has NO characters, no mascots. it's just a place. 

Aunt Cork and Uncle Russ in the tram behind us: what was the name of this place again?

Jen: the ride from Big Sur to here was a lovely trip. you missed it, you kept your eyes closed the whole way.

me: you know me, i'm a nervous driver even when i don't drive. where's your car now?

Jen: the '73 silver VW Bug? it's hanging on this line like a linen laundry sheet...

Bill Walton in a tram wearing an electric Hawaiian shirt and shocking Hawaiian tweed shorts: don't you worry about me, i'm the only light the world has left to combat the darkness, i'm still burning bright shining light. it was touch and go at the hospital but Grateful Dead music fed to me by Jerry Garcia himself through osmosis pulled me through, saved me, woke me up again. i'm grateful.

Jerry Garcia: it was tough getting through Bill's hair, his hair is so Wavy Gravy we weren't sure we had strong-enough headphones.

Bill: steel headphones with a Grateful Dead sticker for my hard ginger curls. not tinfoil. 

dad: Ho Walton!!!

Bill: Ho Peter!!!

dad: my ivy man, my fellow stutterer, you went from stutterer to rhapsodic personality and the world is better for it. you dunked your head into everyone's lives to check in on them. like a giraffe neck.

Bill: i got my effervescence from me, not soda. my ZEST FOR LIFE got me out of it. don't forget to tell your loved ones how you're feeling, don't keep it a secret, maybe they can help...

Jen R jumps out of the tram onto the roof of the food shack.

me: wait for me, i can't do that, this ride takes 30 minutes...

Jen: hungry. 

Jesse Eisenberg wearing a brown uniform apron: i feel ya, you want one of these BIG-ASS circus pickles in a bag of brine? Polish pickles are the way to go. hey you got any ADHD gummies?

Jen: slow your roll, my man, i'm fresh out. just calm down. chillax, you're just a kid. do an ollie to relax.

Tony Hawk: i surf, too. i surf here on Wednesday mornings.

Jen: hey do you know what carnival food is for? like funnel cake?

me: it seems it should be cake in the shape of a funnel, like triangular Legend of Zelda cake. 

Jen: yeah but it's dough squeezed out of a funnel. it looks like pizza.

Ear Horn: new at Pic-N-Save!!! Ingmar Bergroot, otherwise known as holy basil...

pork rind: i'm the third chip, after potato and tortilla. 

Pringle: i'm the weird cousin.

hard-boiled eggs: so you don't have to lug around that two-ton cast-iron skillet on your shoulder.

Ingmar Bergman: smoke and mirrors is the magic of life...

Jen R: wait, why not Peanut Skittles? right? a giant peanut inside each Skittle, like they do with M&Ms. why couldn't this work?

me: if that doesn't work at least have peanut-flavored Skittles...

Denice May: it's stupa, not stupid.

Tai: grandma!!! how's the extended family down in Live Oak?

Buddha: the tree i found enlightenment under was NOT the George Washington tree...

Isaac Newton: Peanut Newtons, think about it...

Jimmy Carter: 200 years old is possible.

Abbot Butt: you were built for this. you were built to be a monk.

me: you think?

Abbot Butt: yeah. now build your own cell, we're down a couple of men...

Julia Ioffe on Instagram: it's a little bit creepy when the person responds INSTANTLY to your comment, it's like they've been up all night lying in wait waiting for you to wake up.

Michael Weiss: sorry.

Paul: i got a WKRP pickup truck that is parked with its butt jutted out of my driveway hanging into the road just enough in the morning to let the freewayers know what's up...

the Safeway parking lot: the most dangerous place en Earth. more dangerous than the Sahara or Mojave deserts.

Jane Asher: who's Paul McCartney? i swam my first race at 100 years old. my teeth were so brittle i couldn't bite down on my gold medal!!! 

Gladyce: now if that isn't the stuff of crones i don't know what is.

Pati Jinich wearing a Santa hat on Christmas: i got my rompopo and my torrejas. Mexican French toast is better. picture me with a creamier more custardy interior.

Pati Jinich's sons: come on, mom, cream inside? we don't need another brother.

Pati: fine, Pee-wee Herman taught me how to make French toast, too...

Domino's Pizza UK boss: i quit. fuck all this pizza shite, yeah? naked barmaids everywhere, a bloke's heart can't take it. i'm going back to the village with mum. take this breadstick and stick it up your arse.

Jen and i on the tram together.

Jen R: drinking of you. cheers. that's my Bug bumper sticker. tram team.

me: what we drinkin'?

Jen: carnival champagne, which is carrot juice.

at the Monaco Grand Prix.

Melbourne: i'm at a Steak n Shake in Monaco. this is better than being in Heaven. 

Serrano: right? it doesn't get better than this. Monaco is magic. Monaco is mystical. Monaco is the only place that reminds you that in this tiny square of land, Earth is magic. Earth is mystical.

Jesus wearing a Formula 1 racing breathing helmet and racing civvies: the world is magic. the world is mystical...

Rafa Nadal: now that i'm newly-minted retired, Monaco is my paradise tax shelter...

Serrano: how's your F1 car running?

Melbourne: never rode it. James Bond borrowed it for something. how's your F1 car running?

Serrano: never rode it. i had a tennis tee time at the same time...

Andy Murray videotaping the Alcaraz/Djokovic Wimbledon final: i'm not a stalker. this is for practice. you know, tennis training?

Jim Courier: you're plagiarizing their moves.

Andy Murray: okay you know wot? fuck you, mate. you want me to become David Brent and stalk you at your Wimbledon rental flat next fortnight? 

Carlitos Alcaraz: the Carlitos Camcorder is now a thing. retro is back.

Trent Reznor: no i did not name my baby Nini...

Natalie Pinkham at Monaco: TURN IT OFF!!! Ozzy Osbourne's voice slowed down sounds normal.

Stephen Hawking: it's like my voice before the chair.

chocolate fireguard: only because everyone's favorite flavor is strawberry.

Buckwheat from SNL: ...

Dutch Round Table: pizza.

Steak n Shake Monaco in racing livery: ...

In-N-Out Burger in uniform: you win.

Greykid: get those Fancy Feast Gems, i'll provide the gravy...

Abbot Butt: so just the ziggurat?...

Jay Graber: it's pronounced Blueski.

John Belushi in a toga: ...

Jay Graber: how's that grab ya? my favorite thing to do as a kid was watch Lance on Voltron while doing lanyards.

on the Toonami boards: have to go to a wedding this weekend.........obviously not my wedding...

Bess Armstrong: look at my face.........of course i went to Brown...

wax paper: because fuck that annoying cling wrap.

Debra Winger: is it just me or do i look like Gwyneth Paltrow?...

Debra Winger: i'm the only "difficult, hard-to-work-with" actress who's actually sexy as fuck BECAUSE i'm difficult and hard to work with...

Debra Winger: An Officer and a Gentleman, now see, but would you watch THAT '80s movie?...

Abbot Butt: you're getting married this summer.........married to the Church...

Dana Carvey: you must concede, Dana as a man's name is cooler, more substantial, more full of grandeur.

Dana Plato: i concede nothing, you look like me in drag.

Ashley Parker: our bottles are made from other bottles...

Jim Comey: that's how the government should work...

Doryce: Big As Ya Like, the name of my zither band in college.

Gladyce: dear, you fell in love with the lead zither.

Gunter Grass: i'm German Kurt Vonnegut...

Kurt Vonnegut: touch grass, man, i don't fuck with you. i don't smoke with you. The Tin Drum is just a copy of My Life as a Dog!!!

Gunter Grass: at least mine doesn't have Angela Chase in it that annoying ginger girl.

Kurt: Angela's not annoying, she's vexing and exasperating, there's a difference.

Jen R: okay so as we're on the Sky Glider coming from the opposite direction i was told Fred Flintstone in flip flops would be coming to greet us as he passes by us in his tram. and here he is now.

me: yes except that's not Fred  Flintstone.

Jen: yeah i know, right? it's just some sort of random caveman? i'd hate to see Wilma...

Jen R: oh boy LOOK!!! next tram up, blast from the past!!! from the '70s!!! those are the girls from Little House on the Prairie!!! Laura and that bitch blonde girl.

Melissa Gilbert: if it wasn't for me, nobody would know Laura Ingalls Wilder's name...

Jen: yes, Scudders, Monterey's own Scudder!!! potato chips and peanut butter and ranch powder.

Laura Scudder: that vintage '80s potato-chip bag with the gold, red, yellow, and brown stripes... 

Jen: peanut butter potato chips sound good right about now.

Michael Landon: we're up HIGH, like we're on our way to Heaven. now don't you worry, you little motherfuckers, we'll get through this tightrope fine... 

 

THE MAGICIAN: LOVE IS SIMPLE YET HARD TO EXPLAIN

 

me: i got a text from Jen P.

Jen R: how is that gorgeous bride-to-be doing?!!!

me: she says to go crazy with the palmiers, you can never eat too many palmiers during summer. and that today is the first day of summer...

Jen P: because all the new TV shows are over, both live-action and cartoon. enjoy eating your summer palmiers, that light sugary taste, that golden silk made from Storybook International straw. palmier braids are comforting, and I know braids.

on Wheel of Fortune.

Pat Sajak: why is there yellow straw in my dressing room? 

contestant: Pat, i'm ready to solve the puzzle: Right In The Butt.

Pat: yeah that's it. 

Vanna White: it's breastfeeding, not bestselling, okay?

Lawrence Tierney, one of the three contestants: i wasn't scary, i just kept a lot of things bottled up inside, for instance that i was Maura Tierney's father. my daughter kept telling me to get out, so i left the house in 1979. i knew how to dance but nobody wanted to see me dance when i went to bars...

Alex Trebek: Wheel of Fortune, brought to you by: Jim Beam. Jim Beam, people are good. for you. but not you.

we're at the back entrance of the Big Sur Library in Jen's car.

me: okay i know you MUST have a bumper sucker that says READ A BOOK on your car.

Jen R: yep. and one that says DON'T MISS PHISH!!! (at the Sphere in Las Vegas). want some M&Ms? i got the GIANT-ASS M&M bags.

me: how'd you know? i love the PEANUT M&Ms like i like the knuckle on my forefinger. 

Jen: as Foreigner plays in the background. two for the Amy Winehouse biopic, please. what's your favorite movie food?

me: a GIANT-ASS pail of popcorn with lots of dripping hot movie butter. 

Jen: no drizzle for you. it depends, if it's in a theatre i only eat purple candy. if it's at home i only wear red in honor of Netflix.

Stephen Hawking: drive carefully, there is no Heaven. that's the bumper sticker on my motorized walker.

Fuerza: why you gotta harsh my buzz, Stephen Hawking?...

Stephen Hawking: come on, God, let's watch a couple episodes of SilverHawks together.

Fuerza: man you cold like SilverHawks steel.

Howard Hesseman: was i a disc jockey in real life? no. was i a gifted teacher? no. was i a gifted actor? yes. was i a hippie in real life? of course, look at my hair. i am not a homeless man, okay? did i make out with your mother in the soffit? yes, ask her.

Melissa Maker: that mother was me. i was wearing my SoFit steps-counter wristband during it just to see.

Hesseman: the WKRP outro sounds like the Blossom intro...

sliced avocados: the only dish you use a SHORT FORK with.

Danielle Collins: look at my face, not my tits. now, picture me as a blonde.........i'm Rebecca De Mornay. call me Sara...

Julia Child: you gotta admit, doing the whole thing with the pie weights is weird...

Paul: it's your fault your trash can is sticky, you put a mango in there.

at Carmel Beach.

E.Z. Taylor: if you have someone, a surfboard on top of your car is cool. if you don't, it's just sad. if you're getting a divorce, it's lazy.

Jack Tripper: we're talking about E.Z Taylor here, a legend in his own time.

Santa at Safeway: come on, man, take down that tiny-ass wreath on the front grill of your mack truck, it's fucking May. Safeway at 10AM is my only alone time. away from the missus. a tiny-ass time. THERE'S NO GREEN NOTEBOOK IN THIS PLACE?!!! to touch the good-luck green? i'll settle for this tiny-ass purple Vaporwave pad. man with one of those tiny-ass teacup dogs on his shoulder, i used to put Rudolph on my shoulder like that when he was a pup...

Batman Beyond.

Terry: four cracked ribs.

Kevin Conroy: what about your breathing problem?

Terry: i'll breathe when i'm dead.

Paul: waterproof waterbed for incontinence...

SNL 1992 intro: that's not a sign for porn lit up in Broadway lights, that's a car wash...

Rishi Sunak smoking a cigarette: it's a drag, man, but i had to do it...

Leslie Sbrocco: why do you have a show?

Christine Cushing: ...

Leslie: oh...

Super Mario: really? the EXACT SPOT on the grass the recycling bin goes on is where the mole hive entrance is?...

Robin Hood: the bullseye Lyme disease bite is so depressing...

Nigella Lawson: in Britain it's pronounced prinCESS. why wasn't i a princess on Storybook International?

Simon Cowell: and why wasn't i a dunce on that show?

Tara Strong: my clock doesn't say it's 6:30, it says it's 6:38.........YOU'RE LATE!!!

seagull: what am i doing in Carmel? when i could be flying around at the beach or in a forest or at least in a park...

Carmel: do we have waterfalls?...

me: wait hold on, how can i purport to be a Vaporwave hardcore junkie if i stopped drinking Coke?...

Jen R: try a Pepsi vending machine again. soda sober is tricky, i mean are you never again gonna drink a can of ginger ale the rest of your life?!!! even when you're at Disneyland?!!!

Northern Lights: we're Vaporwave now...

Mission tortilla chips: because you fell in love with OUR Mexican brown bag...

Eye Luggage: The Magician (1958) and go. 

Ingmar Bergman: i pray to God this all goes smoothly. this is all so neat-o. why did i give this one my only happy ending? look at my face in all those behind-the-scenes photos, i'm having a BALL!!! for someone ass-deep in darkness, i'm always smiling!!! i'm smiling in every interview, too. because i truly LIKED writing and directing!!! theatre life was SO much better than being a postman...

Bibi Andersson: look at my tits i mean face, would you believe me if i told you i was not Swedish but Swiss?...

Roger Federer drinking hot chocolate: ...

Ingmar: look at my face, get it? this is called The Face everywhere else because it was originally about a boxer, i co-wrote the script with Rod Serling...

Rod Serling: talk about a dream team!!!

Max von Sydow: i mean were we born lucky or what? we just happened to be born right place right time where we all entered Ingmar's acting troupe and that was our lives, to act in all these groundbreaking plays. we didn't go to school or the prom or nothing, we just started acting when we turned 14, it was the greatest fucking circus of all time...

Ingmar: no Oscar for this one?

Billy Crystal: sorry, i was a little busy attending Robin Williams's funeral.

Ingmar: ooh that sounds dark, let me get my camcorder, i'm gonna film the funeral for my next film...

Albert Vogler: just call me Dracula. 

Ingrid Thulin: that John Waters pencil mustache of yours is freaky. don't come to bed with that mess.

Ingmar: there's a little Nosferatu in here, too, i'm gunning for the reboot helm. my chair size is 3.

Ingrid: what's the big deal? i'm just doing drag.

Magnetic Health Theater: featuring Slim Goodbody and Jamie Lee Curtis!!!

Ingmar Bergman: God is not neat, but movies are...

Granny Vogler: i was a babe on vaudeville. a babe on the vaudeville stage. 

Gladyce with a kiss on her old wrinkled cheek: Granny Vogler!!! how was Copenhagen?

Granny Vogler: we had to move back. Ingmar doesn't let us have any fun.

Doryce: just stay in those Evil Dead woods for a while and the fun will pick up.

Tubal: i'm the Charlie Sheen of this group, i got the Charlie charisma. 

Bibi: you made my Swiss braids curl up and i popped out of my bustier!!!

the driver: call me Homer...

the driver: as in i take you home...

the Coachman from Pinocchio: Guillermo who? this movie is about invisible puppet strings...

Vogler: animal magnetism is a thing. but humans aren't really animals...

Thulin: right? it took you FOREVER to ask me to prom.

Ingmar: there's truth in numbers, there's truth in the troupe...

Max: the troupe in this movie and our troupe in real life... 

Johan Spegel: those screams in the woods were my indigestion at having missed the final Depeche Mode concert. look into my eyes as i die, there's nothing on the other side.

Vogler: you're cheating!!! i can see your eyeballs moving under your lids. you're in REM sleep.

Spegel: that's why i'm not scared of death, death is a dream.

Michael Stipe drinking an iced Nescafe: no i do NOT want a VOGUE Magazine to read!!!

Egerman: we're a very close-minded village, we believe in God but not the occult.

Ottilia: speak for yourself, i need a toy boy. 

Egerman: notice how we never questioned you about the body in the carriage...

Ottilia: i was told this would be Hamlet.

Ingmar: close enough...

Vogler: i am mute.

Ottilia: join me in my chamber when the husband leaves for night work. the strong silent type, i like that in a man, even though they later end up going crazy from holding it in. about my dead daughter...

Vogler: that's a real boner-killer, madam.

Kevin Kline: i am Dr. Vergerus, Minister of Health. but you may call me Kevin Kline. i'm on the verge of a nervous breakdown but you won't see that on my face, you'll only see strength, i have to keep it together for what's left of my family.

Dirg: wait is that true? a human can ingest rat poison and it doesn't really have an effect on him? just wondering...

Bibi: i don't need any strange smelly love potions, i just need to keep my Swiss tits washed. what happens to you when i push your face into my tits?

Simson: stop it, i'm gay!!!.........okay i'm not gay.........why is there yellow straw everywhere?...

Sanna: Granny frightens me to death, and i'm young. she's a witch!!!

Gladyce: no, she's the finest soprano i ever heard. 

Doryce: you should hear her sing some time to you, child.

Sanna: that is such a sweet lullaby, Granny. do you think i'll fall in love with a soldier passing by the village?

Granny: girl why would you want to do that? don't you want a good life?

Sanna: Granny, how old are you?

Granny: we're all the same age...

Sanna: Granny, what is love?

Granny: the thing humans think about to distract them from death.........at least for a while...

Johan: i wasted my life.

Billy Corgan: get in line, pal.

Johan: i'm crazy but not crazy crazy.

Vogler: you know instead of dying in this coffin, you could just run away and start over in the next village...

Billy Corgan: are you wrestling's The Undertaker?...

Johan: yeah i'm not really dying, i just have a drug problem. actors feel more than other humans, you know?

Ingmar: and filmmakers think more. producers should write more.

Vogler: want a Vicks cough drop?

Vogler: want me to strike you with your own walking cane?!!!

Kevin Kline: who are you, Liam Neeson?

Vogler: i shall bundle you out into the next room!!! that's how fights work on stage in a theatre play...

Laertus: HE SPEAKS!!!

Max von Sydow: fooled ya.

Ingmar: yeah i couldn't rightly pay Max the full amount, the severance pay for actors, if he never said one line. 

Max: i have a big package.

Ingmar: although he does have a striking face. like the good doctor your face haunts my nightmares, Max. for that alone, hazard pay.

Vogler: i don't speak to people because it's such a hassle.

Henrietta: my husband has a hairy mole on his cock.

husband: it's a skin tag on my penis.

Henrietta: he's never taken our daughter to Chuck E. Cheese, i like the chicken robot there. why do my innards feel Wavy Gravy? oh i get it, animal magnetism, because you use actual magnets...

Ingmar: WAIT!!! we're not doing this scene, give the chains to LeVar Burton, i hope Roots wins the Emmy. we'll give the big guy a part on Game of Thrones.

Vogler: like the great Harry Houdini i shall fake my own death.........no this is not an Andy Kaufman lobster-water thing...

Ingmar: we'll get Scully to do the autopsy, she specializes in alien bodies...

Mulder: thanks.

Ingmar Bergman: and we end this film with circus music!!! i was jovial in the edit bay, i had just started taking holy basil...

Ingmar Bergman: g'night folks. or as we say in Sweden, i bid you a fond adieu.

Jen and i by the cookout open grill fire outside the library: happy weekend, my babies.

me: what are we eating this weekend?

Jen R: you mean drinking. have you ever tried Rocket Ship?

me: what's that? what concoction up your brain.

Jen: lemonade with two scoops of Lipton iced-tea powder. 

me: my life is meaningless without you. what are we eating this weekend? 

Jen: the new Burger King Philly Cheesesteak melt.

me: i'm eating it while doing the Boyz II Men "Motownphilly" dance. with my Cooleyhighharmony walking cane. 

Jen: you can only eat it with the Fresh Prince of Bel-Air intro song playing in the background, i refuse to cancel Will Smith...