Jen R: WE'RE BACK IN GREENWICH VILLAGE!!!
me: i'm so happy.
Jen: i've been asked to organize a stoop sale. don't worry, it's not a divorce garage sale. stoop to stoop, brownstone block to brownstone block, brown boxes of items on sale by owner, from cartography telescopes to CBGB peepholes to antique pink grandma sweaters. this is the closest thing to neighborhood these days. it's like a Good Friday Stations of the Cross.
me: remember sneaking in McDonald's fries to the Stations of the Cross because they were always at 11:30AM? i love how YOUR brownstone stoop is the only one in the hood in the Hollywood Regency architecture style.
SUDDENLY JUST THEN Wyclef Jean comes speeding down the one orange-leafed neighborhood lane in his Spider-Man motorcycle.
Wyclef Jean: at least Sarah Ferguson returns my phone calls in 2024.
Jen R: i missed this. at dusk let's hang a left to Washington, D.C. to the Hirshhorn to pick up some garden sculptures to put in the dining room of our apartment.
Kurt Cobain: looking at the Sleeper House in the middle of the forest, it makes me think of home, in woodsy Seattle.
Jen: yeah. i used to sleep underneath your memorial bench.
Kurt: that's kinda like me sleeping underneath the bridge, i still do that. but now the wilderness office from that show Animal Control is my new neighbor in the park.
Jen: love that show.
me: there's that one scene which really melted my heart.
Jen: yeah, find you someone, preferably with a British or at least Australian accent, who when you're scrolling through your dating app exclaims
I hope you find someone special.
me: who DOES that nowadays?!!!
Takahashi: Japan is the best place, when it's 11:11 over there, it's 7:11 here.
Mark Hapka: my favorite Slurpee flavor is Water.
Takahashi: so just the plain ice?
dad: i mean imagine if Oprah had chosen my book for her Oprah Book Club. that would have changed EVERYTHING.
Anthony Michael Hall: what kind of world are we creating? are we creating a world in which people like me are meant to feel odd?
Greykid: for reference, i HATE playing the California Lottery. i'm not a gamer and my claws get stuck in Pac-Man's cherry.
Jen at sundown: at the end of a hard day's stoop haul, i like to round the corner and suck on a salami with friends at the local salumeria.
me: how do i become one of THOSE friends?
Simpleton Peter: a salumeria is a Storybook International deli.
Abbot Butt: it is your DUTY to watch EVERY monk-themed episode of 1970s television.
Laverne sucking on a Pepsi milk: except "The Monastery Show" episode of Laverne & Shirley, you know? really terrible episode, i really don't do good with Shirley not around. what with the date rape and the nuns who take a vow of silence so they never speak so what was the point?
Louise Lasser: the point was me. the point was me as a NUN.
Eye Luggage: Sleeper and go.
Woody Allen: is this movie about a mattress shop?
Philip Seymour Hoffman: not cool, man, i coulda been your muse.
Woody: i've never been so SPRY and active on a film set in my life. i'm doing hard-nosed PHYSICAL comedy here!!! my own stunts!!! i can't do that shit nowadays!!! oh to be young again. i broke my hip on this set, nobody noticed because i was such a small man at the time. after which i QUICKLY went into CEREBRAL comedy, a lot of people talking about things.
Laurie Bird: i said more words with Woody Allen in my brief scene than in the ENTIRETY of Two-Lane Blacktop.
Woody: what happened to you, Laurie? i stopped seeing you after a while at the New York Book Circle highrise soirees.
Laurie: it wasn't your fault. well indirectly it was.
Woody: i should have never been allowed to have a family. i should have just been allowed to be a harmless nebbishy solitary writer for life.
Jen: stoop work is everyone's work.
Laertus: Diane Keaton looking like a MIGHTY FINE SNACK in this film. i never considered Diane Keaton a bonafide BABE before till now.
Diane Keaton: before the rose John Lennon glasses, before the Gallagher rainbow pantsuit and brown Doctor Who scarf, before the East Coast Grandma thing, hey in the '70s the East Coast was not a desirable place to plant roots, it was long rusty Long Island rollercoasters everywhere. there was a time in my life when i didn't have grey hair. and it's still the Free Love era so of course i didn't wear a bra.
Woody: i smoked the ashes of your burned bra. sorry, i'm doing it again.
Mel Brooks: since i borrowed HEAVILY from this for Spaceballs, i must ask: how did you come up with the futuristic look?
Woody: knock on wood, it's that glass and chromium look all films depicting the future have since adopted.
Tyzik: this film is the bridge between 2001 and Galaxy Quest.
Woody: and my hair!!! i have long hair in this befitting a rock star!!! i was really feeling myself in the '70s.
Jen: i would have liked to have learned more about your life as a health food store owner in Greenwich Village, that's just completely GLOSSED over.
Woody: blame management. i wrote that first part in 1973. nobody wants to know about my past.
Jen: the Happy Carrot? sounds dirty.
Woody: you have no idea.
Bugs Bunny: rabbit porn? or Monty Python porn?
Woody: and on that awkward note, these messages. while i search for my lost lobby card and iced time machine.
Bashful from Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs: wanna fuck?
Snow White: yes.
Bashful: you know at Disneyland it's not papi chulo, it's papi churro.
me: my birthday is the earliest Easter.
Jesus: it's only True Easter when there's a Total Solar Eclipse. it's more Resurrection-y that way, you know?
Layne Staley: i am compassion. but if you ain't i ain't. i got better things to do with my short time on this dead rock than wait for your snuffy ass to get the hose. i'm busy riding a ride at Action Park, New Jersey.
Jen: Richard Serra was given a ticker-tape parade at Berkeley last night.
me: down Telegraph Avenue.
Jen: he was celebrated. hey Dick, where's "Tilted Arc" now?
Richard Serra: i don't know, but it was the the inspiration for James Cameron's Titanic. Jimmy and i are water buds, we go deep-sea swimming all the time.
Jen: "Tilted Arc" is in my garage. in my hostel.
me: i've seen your Berkeley bed. we've fucked in that bed. it's the Robert Rauschenberg Bed.
Jen: DoorDash doesn't deliver to my place. but my hostel television delivers people. you.
me: thanks.
Richard Serra: cling wrap fucking SUCKS. it's so annoying i don't even use it to fill my sculptures.
Arnold Schwarzenegger: just put the cling wrap in the freezer to remove all of its static electricity. makes it completely flaccid.
Trent Reznor: the drums on Invincible are like hitting a snare drum with the FORCE of a kettle drum.
Super Mario: we trashmen are celebrities in the local community. we're the biggest people they've ever seen. we're like if Johnny Depp agreed to go to a high school's last prom.
Johnny Depp: the high school where they filmed 21 Jump Street.
Woody: and we're back. in the future. i went in for a simple hernia operation and i wake up in the year 2173. why is it that only Jewish men get hernias?
Laertus: not for nothing but this script is FUNNY AS FUCK. i mean these jokes are 50 years ago and they LAND the first time you hear them!!! that's the sign of good writing.
Stalin: i had a lot of bad habits.
Woody: you see my face when i first wake up? that DAZED look. that's really how dazed my face looks after i drink water. i've never taken drugs but i need pills to help my body digest water.
Diane Keaton: oh boo hoo!!! women deal with BLOATING, pal!!! water retention.
Woody Allen: my legs turn to jelly when i see a beautiful woman, i walk backwards.
Mel Brooks: so when the chases happen, suddenly jazz music plays, it's weird. like imagine watching Star Wars and all of a sudden jazz is playing. NOT in the Cantina.
Woody: this is my tribute to Buster Keaton, Harold Lloyd, and Charlie Chaplin. and Bob Hope, for some reason Bob Hope is my favorite all-time comedian. i should have been ahead of the curve and said Bill Cosby NOW in 1973.
Woody: is this future gonna be cool like that episode of Star Trek with the green three-breasted woman?
dissident doctors: no, man, we're part of the Resistance!!! united states? that's a laugh. the United States is a police state!!!
Woody: from reading too many paperbacks of 1984?
doctors: no, from all the police violence aimed and directed at innocent innnercity black youth.
Albert Shanker: in my defense, i was teaching Adventure Time to my class, the greatest cartoon of all time. i kinda shanked it. i shanked the nuclear warhead.
Oppenheimer: when i was at Berkeley i felt what you felt, fellow teacher.
the Leader: i'm Timothy Leary if he HADN'T used LSD. i'm the Timothy Leary who read The Silurian Candidate at Kansas State.
Aries Project: my birth which has unfortunately led to all this CRAZY writing.
rebels: you're the only one without a biometric signature on your thumb.
Woody: it's on my penis.
Takahashi: okay the GLOW CAR in this film!!! i need a Glow Car!!! right? they are COOL.
George Lucas: they have that THX 1138 vibe. except ours were underground cars not aboveboard cars.
Bruce Timm from Batman Beyond: THIS Glow Car is more what we wanted to do for OUR cars on the road.
Woody: oh god, i'm gonna have to wear a TON of silver makeup to play this robot!!! it's a good thing i'm a fan of Rosie the Robot from Jetsons.
Diane Keaton: i'm not into Free Love. yet. despite being an artist. but i AM into this silver ball from Timmy Leary that's like sex-and-drugs in one electrotherapy shock.
Tim Lesser: fucking Beatles Indian sitar princess Kavita is better.
Woody: the Orgasmatron!!! people, you hate me for this, you don't want to hear this, but I, ME, came up with that idea of a sex machine telephone booth.
Futurama: thank you. we have to say thank you to Woody. sex and death.
Diane Keaton: i'm an idle socialite, what do you expect me to do inside the Sleeper House? vacuum?
Woody: this bathroom mirror is off, it's askew, i look like the Phantom of the Opera's daughter.
Woody: all these years i thought i had a rather good-looking head.
Woody: see, i invented that thing where skinny people get in balloon suits and pretend they're Sumo wrestlers, too.
Diane pushing their getaway Romancing the Stone jeep: God is Dog spelled backwards, think about it.
Woody: i know this. but i've always wondered, what does that actually MEAN, you know?
Greykid: Tic Tac Toe, TAC is in the middle, think about it.
Woody: take off that blindfold in your mouth, i am not into BDSM AT ALL.
Diane: i'll scream. i already scream like an old woman.
Woody: we're in the Robin Hood Forest here, Sherwood Forest, no one will hear you except Kevin Costner.
Kevin Costner: California redwoods are better than Wyoming.
Woody: this giant banana in the park, not a metaphor for my penis. i'm predicting Naked Gun.
on the Titanic staircase.
Diane: do you love me?
Woody: of course i do, why do you think i went through all this mess? i don't want to be that guy but you DO look pretty when you smile, you have a great smile. you know me, i use comedy as a defense mechanism.
Donald Rumsfeld: i was trying to be funny when i was up on that podium.
Kate Lyn Sheil: i'm the only young person who still gets Woody Allen.
Diane: he's not funny to me, i don't get your humor, Woody. what is it exactly? deadpan or sarcasm or anti-comedy or what?
Woody: i deliver the jokes by trying not to smile.
Woody: Erno? ERNO? come on, that name SUCKS. he's not THAT handsome!!! he looks like a Robin Hood reject on Sesame Street.
Diane: i believe in Free Love now.
Woody: you're too late, lady, you just missed it in 1973, it's the tail-end .
JFK: i missed so much.
Woody: now JFK is handsome!!!
Diane Keaton: hey, Wood.
Woody Allen: Heywood, you're on to something, toots.
Diane Keaton: look, we dated for a year but it didn't work out, okay?
Laurie Bird: spill the wood-infused tea, sister.
Woody: how hard is it to play Jewish parents? that is the most overused trope in Hollywood!!!
Diane: like my Brando impression? i'm doing The Godfather simultaneously with this. i slept with Marlon Brando one morning and woke the next morning with the ability to act. well to act like Marlon Brando. which has a ceiling, a cap, a limit. i'm sticking with my own innate acting ability.
Takahashi: the McDonald's sign in the future, spot-on physical joke.
Madame Pons: yeah, we chuckled at that one as a family.
Woody: once again, predating The Naked Gun by a decade.
Woody: this nose now flattened looks like the glans of a penis. i can't keep doing this!!!
road roller: i thought i was making pizza for Ray Bradbury.
George Orwell: if 1984 was a comedy. i enjoyed this picture, especially the flash cards.
Douglas Rain: i'm afraid i can't do that. i must shut the door on this Melissa Maker romance even though it's a Canada thing.
Melissa Maker: shut the front space door, HAL.
Madonna: ...
Woody: you know how revolutions peter out, eventually Erno will become Stalin.
Erno: Windt, very Star Wars last name.
Diane: what's the answer to life? it can't be science, men and women are chemically incompatible.
Woody: not if they're both on LSD which is the only chemical you need. oxygen is overhyped.
Diane: i'm from Milwaukee, we still believe in the moon, okay? if you don't believe in science, God, or political systems, what DO you believe in?
Woody: sex and death. Freud would have made a great Catholic priest.
Diane: and venereal disease?
Woody: yes, and Free Love.........don't worry, i'm not starting a family with you.
Fuerza: i'm feeling nauseous...
Woody: wait let me leave this photo of a school-shooting victim leaning on the brick driveway of Charlton Heston's Beverly Hills mansion. i was talking about the NRA in this movie before Michael Moore. you'd think in the future the NRA wouldn't be a thing anymore.
Woody: you know the only reason i did this movie was so i could play my jazz clarinet at my local Hell's Kitchen brownstone block stoop jazz club. they didn't allow me in with my tan flute. John Bonham on the tomtom skins. my life goal has always been to be Jack Lemmon. g'night folks.
me by the fire: happy weekend, my babies. tomorrow...
Jen R: CHIZZA!!! right? i mean don't you want to know how KFC does pizza?!!!
me: there's a quality of desperation to our relationship.
Jen: yes. we're like cling wrap, constantly noodling each other making sure we're still around and stuck on each other.
me: you're not all there, which i get, for neither am i. through the lattice miasma of your crazy there's the most empathetic warm caring understanding human being who has ever walked this planet.
Jen: i let it slip sometimes like when i tell you about my partner and i covered in World Trade Center dust and the standing ovation we got at the 9/11 church. *in hushed tones* i've told NO ONE about this.
me: and that is why i'm crazy about you.
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