DUEL: SIT BACK AND RELAX

 

Jen R and i are at the Premier Inn in Waterloo, London.

Jen R: the sheets smell like Suzy Lu.

me: have you noticed how purple this skyscraper hotel is?

Jen R: everything in the world is purple now. this is the Prince Purple Premier. Prince slept in this hotel bed. Prince slept in EVERY hotel bed. and he sexed in every MOTEL bed.

Jen: what's for room service?

me: i'll call. i only know how to use a Jack Tripper intercom.

Jen: omg have you seen this miniature menu?!!! they have Marianne's Garlic Ice Cream from Gilroy!!!

me: good catching up.

Jen: don't wear those white Oakleys, they make you look like a truck nut.

me: i'm trying to look like Christian Bale.

Jen: you look like Conor McGregor. 

Lindy Lenz and Bruce Lee are on top of the Golden Gate Bridge.

Bruce Lee: i get so nervous and i'm imbalanced when i think about us having our first kid.

Lindy Lenz: why?

Bruce: that first night when our daughter stays out late and we have no idea where she is, i'm gonna go CRAZY, i will seriously FLIP OUT, my heart's gonna be in my throat and i won't be able to still myself internally.

Lindy: you're steadier than you give yourself credit for. take my ceiling for example, you're holding it up Atlas-style so it doesn't cave in and make a mess in my apartment.

Bruce: that was more luck than kung fu. i happened to be under...

Lindy: i need the construction workers to get the job done fast, no couple of weeks. i need danceable beats for them to plaster to. 

Bruce: let me try something. you like Morrissey?

plaster workers: what is that?

Bruce: Jackson and His Computerband?

plasterers: mister, we don't have time for your foolishness.

Bruce: i'm only not agitated when i'm with you. hopefully that translates to our daughter.

Lindy: that last voice message was like a real wife/husband message, huh.

at Lucky.

Julie Patzwald: ladies and gentlemen introducing our goth drummer for the band Bustamante.

Bustamante: yeah i have GIGANTIC MELONS for tits hence the name.

Julie: and hence you being goth. 

Bustamante: Electronic Body Music, EBM, is a misnomer because goths don't dance...

Julie: she's smart, too.

Bustamante: meet my friend Hope, she works the register at Lucky. look at her cute face.

Julie: HOLY FUCK she's cute. like a young Cindy Williams.

Hope: since it's Christmas Eve want a candy cane? any leftovers i'll just use tonight on my vagina.

Julie: no no, that's not fair, you can't be cute AND dirty, that combination is untenable. do you play the electric-piano Rambo bandolier by any chance?

Hope: i play the electronic-piano belt. my mom played the digital-piano belt. my dad played the analog-piano paperclip.

Christian Bale: so i'm playing Conor McGregor in the Lifetime Original Movie, right?...

Johnny Knoxville: i don't drink Twisted Tea, i'm trying to better myself so Jillian Clare will have me...

Jillian Clare: can't find a better man...

Eddie Vedder: got any Ozempic?

Hijos del Desierto: PBS getting into the telenovela game.

Leslie Sbrocco: why doesn't PBS show Doctor Who? think about it, it's the perfect fit.

Peter Capaldi: they used to, woman. back in the day. they showed the good 1970s Doctor Who episodes, not this modern rubbish. 

Super Mario: in the '80s Berkeley was just a straight row of donut and pizza joints.

Hijos del Desierto: has that Dreamcatcher English Language Course vibe...

Michael Penix, Jr.: not a gang sign, it's W for Washington.

Snoop Dogg: say my cuzz's name CORRECTLY.

Dan Le Batard: remember when my show was just my father from Cuba doing all the sports coverage? it was just Papi Le Batard shouting and carrying on about stuff, complaining about things for 30 minutes. that was weird.

Papi Le Batard with Cuban accent: i REALLY didn't want to do my son's TV show. i REALLY just wanted to eat a french-bread pizza and watch golf. my son's TV show retarded your growth as a human being...

Mina Kimes: call me Mama Mina from now on. you know what? just call me Mama from now on...

me: omg did you see that?!!!

Lindy Lenz: what?

me: i slip the key into the front-door lock and a PENNY DOUBLE-BACKFLIPS OUT!!! how did this happen?!!! where did this penny come from?!! where was it hiding?!!

dad: in your soul, son. in your pirate heart. it's not magic, it's me. i TOLD you i was always watching you. especially when you race back inside.

Amazing Stories: a kid, an only child, doing crazy science experiments in his room. the parents, a mom and a dad, in the next room knocking to check in and remind him of dinnertime. it's all very cozy.

son: it's pretty cool when your hometown is Hollywood, California...

Milton Berle: they wanted me to play Stephen Falken in WarGames, but i did Amazing Stories "Fine Tuning" instead...

Milton Berle: have you seen my front lawn? the lawn outside my mansion. that lawn is fucking WIDE, son.

heavenornot.net: once you look IT'S ALREADY TOO LATE!!!...

Jen Carfagno: my hooker's not working. no it's a meteorologist's tool to change the weather map on the screen. a hooker button. it's not a chrome clasp. the fact that i'm wearing a plunging neckline today should not matter in the least. does not factor in at all.

Felicia Combs: i wear sneakers. i'm a sneakerhead.

Damp January: Doryce the day after the New Year's party...

Luke Littler is being interviewed by ESPN Cue. 

Luke Littler: no i'm not the boy in the wheelchair with that BIG-ASS blanket from the Shriners commercial. yeah my last name but look how i handle a dart!!! under my tongue. i lost my chance with Gina Little so i console myself watching The Littles cartoon. i don't look 16 at all but i am. no, sir, i am not having sex with my girlfriend.

Eye Luggage: Duel and go.

Dennis Weaver: i'm not Dennis Hopper. i'm not Gary Wright. i'm not David Crosby when he was skinny in the '70s. i'm not the man who sells you Shredded Wheat.

Rod Serling: you're the best actor Twilight Zone ever had. sorry, Dennis Hopper. sorry, Burgess Meredith for that matter.

Patty: ...

Patty: i'm not the Patty from Seinfeld...

Steven Spielberg: i mean look at those chamois corduroy bellbottoms, man!!! Duel was my first BIG THING, you know? without Duel there is E.T.. more television movies, we need to get back to the era of television movies. no more movies in the theaters, that's a dead industry anyway. JUST television movies from now on...

Richard Matheson: this REALLY happened to me in real life. a dusty dirty-ass demonic semi-truck cut me off and almost ran me off the road on a straight curvy hilly highway. came SO close to tumbling off a cliff. and to think this happened THE DAY OF the Kennedy Assassination!!! i mean i guess EVERYONE was on edge that day...

JFK: a lot of global uncertainty after i died that has YET to be resolved...

Richard Matheson: and to think this was all over golf. I HATE GOLF!!! 

Nadal: i couldn't beat Osaka if i tried...

Stephen King: Dick Matheson, i wish i could write like you...

Dennis Weaver: David Mann, as in Everyman. i'm a traveling salesman but what do i sell?

Spielberg: Peterbilt 281 parts.

William Peter Blatty: that truck is possessed by Satan. is this the live-action Wacky Races or something?...

Muttley: *Muttley laugh*

Casper: this truck scares me. haunted things scare me.

Richie Rich: i'm going back to Milton Berle's lawn...

Milton Berle: if you call me Uncle Miltie one more time i'll make you jog down Hollywood Boulevard with me...

John Candy: traveling salesman to traveling salesman, can you give me a ride?

Dennis: picking up hitchhikers is dangerous. especially fat Hitchcock hitchhikers. don't worry, your wife is alive, i saw her at the party...

Laertus: i love how this starts. it's so peaceful and suburban. the only noise pollution is the sound of AM Radio...

Sweet Dick Whittington: i got all the '70s radio pussy.

Dirg: don't flood the tunnels with rainwater...

Eye: okay i need to know more about this man's domestic life. his wife is NOT HAPPY with him. what happened? what exactly happened?

Laertus: right?

Eye: what went on at that party? I NEED TO KNOW the juicy gossip from the party!!! are those HIS kids? his two tykes running around like demons splayed out on that rug in front of the fireplace getting chocolate sauce on the carpet? or are they party kids.

Laertus: dirty kids.

Plymouth Valiant sedan: Steven said the car needed to be red to stand out on the freeway. otherwise this movie would have been 90 minutes of mountainsides. 

Mr. Bean: my new car the Renault Twingo would have stood out with or without me...

Mojave Desert: there's a reason Bono doesn't come here, we are NOT Joshua Tree...

Dennis Weaver: why doesn't this truck FUCKING RUN OF GAS AND STOP!!!

truck: cos i'm a tanker truck. unlimited source of energy. flammable energy tho.

Steven: we needed the truck to be FILTHY, full of COCKROACHES and shit. and all the license plates from all the states all lined up in a row on his bumper, his license-plate collection, indicates he's a traveling serial killer...

Mardith: that trucker's hand when he waves to pass him is FUCKING CREEPY. that's Jason's hand. or worse, Freddy Krueger's hand...

Dennis: let's talk about this.

wife: don't wanna.

Dennis: come on, it's not like i'm at this laundromat to compose Vaporwave music.

wife: WHERE ARE YOU, DAVID?!!! YOU'RE LATE!!! Connie our houseguest is convalescing on the couch by the fireplace, she's hospice-ing, she's got six months to go before she can walk again. she needs your support.

Dennis: the couch supports her enough. just get her a grasshopper in a martini glass and tell her i'll be there soon...

Gomer Pyle with gummed mouth: mister i ain't trying to snake-oil sell ya. you really do need a radiator hose. what if you're on a steep incline getting chased by a madman driver on the road and your family stationwagon starts to STEAM like a motherfucker?

Dennis: just squeegee me.

Gomer Pyle: i don't do windows. my favorite music is Beethoven, not Primus.

Dennis: those are some cute cowboy boots. too bad these boots are the hit of the season!!!

Laertus: wait, you can ask for an ASPIRIN at a diner? and they'll give it to you FOR FREE? cafes just have PILLS in the back?

Eye: this custom ended with the '70s. along with ALL FUN.

Denny's: Denny's has aspirin. and acid.

Laertus: we gotta call on Alice and Mel about this.

Spielberg: it's not you got another THING coming, it's you got another THINK coming...

Hitchcock: indubitably.

Dirg: they couldn't make this film in Britain, Britain has no turnouts. the country's too small, all the cars would drive into the sea...

James Bond: ...

Archie Bunker: i can't drive cos my license was suspended. by Arizona...

me: THIS FILM is why i don't drive...

Spielberg: we had auditions for the truck. we liked the cab-over because it reminded us of '80s anime...

Peterbilt 281: i see a face. MY face.........this truck has a face...

Spielberg: DIEGESIS. that's what won me the Oscar for this film. i mean it really should have been an Emmy. imagine if the audience had heard all of E.T.'s thoughts.........in English...

Alfred Hitchcock to a young Spielberg: my boy, SOUND is very important. make sure your films have NO SOUND AT ALL, that always keeps the audience guessing...

Spielberg: looking back, this should have been a silent film...

Hitchcock: the truck is Jaws, my boy, the truck is Jaws...

Don Plum: hey come on, guys, no fighting in my establishment. Don's Plum is a family American pub...

Dennis: OH COME ON!!! the trucker wasn't even in the diner the whole time?!!! after all that tension? 

trucker: sorry man, i don't eat, i have a small stomach.

Don Plum: this diner looks like if Medieval Times were a diner...

Tom Sawyer: white stucco crag-rock stone...

Dennis: OH COME ON, do we really have to stop for a train?

audience on their toes: a train whistle is the same sound as a truck horn...

Dennis: sorry, Indiana Jones, i destroyed your dusty carnival snake display. i mean the truck did but indirectly i did. 

Indiana Jones: i like snakes, i DON'T like the rattle.

Dennis: sorry, Superman, i destroyed your phonebooth...

the bus scene.

Dennis: where is the school you bus-children belong to? there is no school FOR MILES, we're in the middle of a DESERT!!!

Dennis: jump up and down to get me loose. like a seesaw. you play on a seesaw at your school, right?

children: play? what's play? we school for 24 hours. on this bus. we're not brats, we're just kids.

Dennis: oh look, it's Cindy Brady!!! sorry but the Brady Bunch House is WAY on the other side of this mountain...

Dennis: is this live-action Fat Albert?

girl: Sesame Street, sir.

Rubikon shakes his head.

Dennis: oh, that was nice of the trucker to give the bus a push like that...

Dennis flags down an elderly couple.

elderly couple: we can't help you, mister. sorry, but we're old. is this the way to the Denny's?

Dennis: come on, mom and dad...

Dennis: see that's the thing, the truck has to keep moving after he rams into me, the trucker can't actually get out of the truck and have a fistfight with me. i wish he'd get out of that truck...

Lupin: without Duel, there is no Lupin III...

Dennis: what was your motive?

trucker: unknown forever. scarier that way. i mean aren't ALL truck-drivers serial killers? i just wanted to learn how to skip stones from you. i wanted you to teach me how to skip stones. that is WAY too little blood on the dash, too little blood dripping on the steering wheel, i am DEFINITELY still alive...

Dennis Weaver: Kung Fu: The Legend Continues sunset ending...

David Carradine: i just wanted to see one more sunset...

David Carradine: kung-fu would have handled this truck.

Bruce Lee: agreed. we don't need steel-toe boots, we got bare feet. 

David Mann's wife: so, David cheated on me with my sister at the party. yeah. but, you know, that doesn't take away from you rooting for David. for David to win against that nasty truck. for David to be the David against that killer-truck Goliath. for David to be the good guy. David's just not the good guy to ME, that's all. we'll save that stuff for the sequel when David comes home, g'night folks...