NIGHT SHIFT: BEETLEJUICE AS A HUMAN AND THE MORGUE MONK

 

Jen R and i are at Galaxyland in Canada.

Jen R: oh but this is a kid's amusement park.

Melissa Maker: no it's just all the rides are SMALL. 

Jen R: this place is like me drawing with my marker pens. i'm gonna need one of those orthopedic pillows for my craning neck, i like to snoop. i get whiplash BEFORE the rollercoaster. i'm gonna need a donut pillow for my butt to go on that rollercoaster, when i sit on a donut pillow i get hungry for donuts. i saved my prenatal pregnancy pillow, never got rid of it.

me: this rollercoaster is too fast for me!!!

Melissa: it's greased with maple syrup to make it extra fast.

me: what's that clicking sound, is the roller coaster breaking apart?!!!

Melissa: no that's me clicking 3 tongs to see what decision i should make.

me: this is like LEGOLand but of course LEGOS are copyrighted only for U.S. use.

Denmark: people think LEGOS come from the U.S and Playmobil comes from Sweden...

Melissa: what have you been doing with your time, Super Mario?

Super Mario: ever since my cartoon was canceled i've only gotten work in that Skrillex "Bangarang" video. neck pain is a BITCH when you're going down those fucking green pipes.

Maiara Walsh: tell me about it...

Melissa: IKEA is here at a booth, your first name backwards with an umlaut over the first vowel is your IKEA name.

me: Tap...

Super Mario: it's confusing cuz is it the first vowel of your FORWARDS name or BACKWARDS name?

Chad Reynolds: forwards name.

Jen R: are we related?

at the Dogpatch in San Francisco.

Greykid: don't go there...

Leslie Sbrocco: yes. me for different reasons, my own kind bites and gets in scrapes for scraps...

Bruce Lee: come on, babe, we really need to get you sober this time. so you can celebrate with a flume of champagne once Dry January is over...

Lindy Lenz: recovery is like a midnight sun. 

Bruce: let's make a bar bet right now at this bar.

Lindy: but all bar bets are secret. that's not in line with telling your sponsor everything...

Bruce: trust me, i used to inline skate...

Roger Federer: maybe if i had been Moldovan i would have had a happier life...

jogging pants: if you're gonna have a cum spot, have it be on jogging pants...

Michael Landon: or wet the bed but become a runner instead of a killer, both lonely lives...

at the Good Feet Store in Sand City.

old man: i was born with a sunny disposition. a positive outlook, as Rod Serling would say. then i got toes with carbuncles filled with smelly pus.

Rod Serling: story of my life, inspo for my stories.

old man: and my whole attitude about the mysteries of life changed to sour like Olivia Rodrigo.

Olivia Rodrigo: my mood is fine now. balanced mood. cuz i got a pedicure. check me out on those foot-fetish sites.

old man: thanks to The Good Feet Store, they gave me the first shoes in the area: moccasins...

old man: i got my sunny back.

Rob from It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia: nobody can pronounce nor spell my last name. just call me Rob Hot Sauce. Wrexham lost so i'm in a bad mood, i got my rainy back.

Brandon Aiyuk: i've gotten a lot of offers since i made that helmet catch. it wasn't in the Super Bowl like that Giants player but it was still spectacular and flashy. i'm voicing Ladybug & Cat Noir...

Jen Carfagno: Love Actually is my favorite movie. especially that scene with the porn stars. didn't you think it was Love Comma Actually? Mandela effect like a cruel weather pattern. you saw the REAL inside of my house in that Groundhog Day skit!!!

The Pope: i blocked Michael Jordan's dunk on me. in my pink women's Air Jordans...

rough vocal: when Doryce has it out with Billy Corgan in bed...

Barker Bird from the Disneyland Tiki Room: i'm older than Bob Barker...

Amazing Stories "Dorothy and Ben".

doctor: sir, you've awakened from a 40-year coma.

Ben: whatchu talkin' bout, Willis?

sticky bills: cash-only at the Playboy Grotto...

Richie Rich: or it could just be that the dollar bills are NEW...

Scotch bonnet: when Little Miss Muffet has a hot ass.

NBC News Daily: when soap operas are taken off TV in favor of news, less soothing fiction more swollen information, the world starts to crater...

Michael Weiss: it's impossible to gain access BACK to a celebrity once you've lost it...

Maiara Walsh: ...

Maiara Walsh: both meanings...

Masuimi Max: know what Masuimi means? it means meaning...

David Stern: i'm announcing a trade. Villain Brooks uh i mean Dillon Brooks is being traded for Draymond Green.........can Michael come back?...

Aeon Flux "End Sinister".

Aeon Flux: starting off in George Jetson outer space...

Kurt Loder: The Big 3 of MTV are over: The Head, Aeon Flux, The Maxx. 

Kurt Loder: the Big 3 of MTV are over: Nirvana, Pearl Jam, and either Alice in Chains or Soundgarden...

Amazing Stories "Dorothy and Ben".

Steven Spielberg: doesn't it seem like i should write and direct the Steve Jobs story? there's a connection between us, a warm celestial simpatico, i mean we're basically the same person. we looked alike when we were younger...

Super Mario: imagine a children's ward in a hospital with an arcade cabinet inside the sealed room. it's the Super Mario Bros. 2 ARCADE GAME!!! that's why i joined Shriners Hospital and got my red fez and my red blanket...

Alice Sachs: i look like Princess Di...

Steven Spielberg: this episode was filmed in the St. Elsewhere hospital...

Steven Spielberg: we used soft tape on the girl's forehead.

Natalie Gregory: yeah that first take with the duct tape hurt like a motherfucker.

Steven Spielberg: this was also the first episode of ER...

Steven Spielberg: an Amazing Stories episode a day keeps the doctor away.........as in the shrink, these stories are good for your mental health...

Emily Ratajkowski: La Roche-Posay, the dermatology i recommend.........not as an influencer, as a doctor...

Nina Desai: or if all else fails, wear a Body Glove wetsuit to protect you from the sun's harsh rays in Manhattan Beach...

Richard Gere: there are record-big squirrels in Gaylord, Michigan...

chookie commercial: see that lady SASHAYING her assy hips with her chookie tray? you GO girl. with dem butty buttery hips.

George Lucas: there is nothing more HEARTBREAKINGLY DANK than receiving a slip of paper at 7:30 AM in the morning from a fat guy in a yellow hardhat telling you you gotta evacuate your house cuz the floodwaters are coming...

Jim Cantore: ...

2022 United States gold-medal ice-skating team on the Today Show: this ceremony is ridiculous, the moment has LONG since passed...

Leavenworth Electric: commercial. residential. not chair...

bend-over pants: not sexual just stretchy.

Tom Brady: the JUGS machine, how i met my next wife...

Tom Cruise in Cocktail: i was a flairtender before there was a name for it...

Office Space: ...

Eye Luggage: Night Shift and go.

Henry Winkler: look at all those pics up there, those are the BLOOPER PICS!!! when you look up this picture on the internet, it gives you the blooper pics, not any actual stills from the movie. that is hilarious, and so fitting, that was a FUN SET... 

Henry Winkler: night shift at a morgue alone, it's so.........quiet not quite creepy. peaceful not purgatory. haleful not Hell. energizing not eerie. shift not strange. and i'm not even goth. it's good for your mental health to be a Nine Inch Nails Monk at Berkeley...

Eye Luggage: i think i may finally go to college...

Laertus: i'm waiting...

Alfred E. Neuman: can we take a MOMENT simply to acknowledge that MAD-Magazine-style cartoon art in that Night Shift poster up there? i mean that is BEAUTIFUL CARICATURE, nobody draws like that anymore!!!...

Ron Howard: i was going through my Sean Connery Scotsman phase...

tam o'shanter: best steakhouse in L.A.........secret ingredient: Lawry's Seasoned Salt...

Michael Keaton: this was MY VERY FIRST ACTING JOB!!! i nailed it out of the park. i was able to showcase my TRUE IDIOSYNCRASIES from the start and i carried it over my career. i was doing Beetlejuice without the makeup here, can't you tell?...

Shelley Long: at the time i was the big star on Cheers as this straitlaced woman so of course everyone SALIVATED at the prospect of me being a slutty hooker...

Henry Winkler: a four-cornered square, i love that description of me. feet for the Is in Night Shift, morgue feet, tagged and bagged...

Ron Howard: i forced Henry Winkler to do this as revenge for me having to sit through that Jump the Shark thing...

Richard Belzer: i'm just not a tough guy, i just can't be taken SERIOUSLY as a gangland thug, my face is TOO GOOFY. nobody knows what my eyes look like...

Shannen Doherty: i was that girl, the Bluebird scout in the blue beret!!! rape whistle, every girl in the '80s had a rape whistle...

Vincent Schiavelli: as a teacher i went soft on my high-school students cuz i know how hard it is to sling sandwiches and make night deliveries...

Henry: i know but how hard is it to get the order right? why is the order always WRONG? you can't send it back cuz they'll just spit on it. 

Gordon Ramsay: ...

Schiavelli: egg-salad, macaroni, tuna, it all tastes like chicken...

Charles Fleischer: am i more known for Carvelli or Roger Rabbit?

Mickey Mouse: are you Fleischer from those EARLY still-copyrighted cartoons?...

Mr. Kotter: Carvelli to the adults, Roger Rabbit to the kids.

Alfred E. Neuman to Charles: you're more known for that FRO, i'm jealous...

Charles Fleischer: imagine if Roger Rabbit had talked like Carvelli...

Michael Keaton: apparently the Kansas City Chiefs like my work in two weeks...

Henry Winkler: imagine me on Wall Street, in Wall Street, that movie, that would give me an ulcer. honey can we finally have sex in our New York City apartment?

Jen R: impossible, not enough room.

fiancee: I'M FAT. 

Henry: Peloton doesn't exist yet, honey.

fiancee: Mallomar bar!!! the staple of the '80s. are you inside me? i can't tell, i'm distracted by this Mallomar bar.

me: and THIS just makes me fear dogs MORE!!!

Boc: you and me both, buddy. Dobermann Pinschers are just not right in the head, they're creepy horror-movie staples for a reason...

Leonard: Barney Rubble is the greatest dramatic actor of our generation.

Humphrey Bogart: i mean he's a good linereader...

Henry: you're a nepo baby but all you got was this lousy morgue...

Michael Keaton: i thought you'd be different, i thought you'd have more Fonzie in you.

Henry Winkler: that's a role. that's a part. i'm nothing like him, leather jackets are CRUEL to animals.

Michael: i'm an ideas man. glitter ketchup. a pill that makes you not die. a fast-food hamburger in which you can eat the wrapper, good for the environment.

Henry: McDonald's already does that.

Shelley Long: hello i'm Belinda Keaton, no relation to Michael. i am related to the English poet tho. we keep the same strange hours.

Henry: breakfast is my dinner.

Michael Keaton: i went on Henry Louis Gates on PBS and discovered my family comes from a long line of whores...

Michael: i thought we were friends.

Henry: why are you staying inside one of the rollout slabs at the morgue?

Michael: preparing for my next role sleeping in a coffin as a vampire, that's next week...

Henry Winkler: this is every man's dream: a beautiful woman cooking breakfast for HIM on HIS stove in pink panties.

Ear Horn: when you add the Sunny D it's called a goth morning, dearie.

Henry: i'm not looking at your butt, i'm looking at your pulled-up pink bobby socks...

Green Day: ...

Shelley: do you have any Lawry's Seasoned Salt in this spice rack? it's an '80s staple. your wallpaper is faded...

Super Mario: what's IN Lawry's Seasoned Salt anyway? it's so RED.

Luigi: turmeric and paprika, numbnuts.

Princess Peach: and sunflower oil like my sunny disposition, bitch.

Shelley: scrambled are a man's egg, runny-yolks are a woman's egg.

Gordon Ramsay: how to avoid having fried eggs stick to the pan? BUTTER AND BEADED WATER.

Michael Keaton: why is the world's oldest profession illegal? it doesn't make sense...

Michael: let's talk about urges.

Henry: but don't use the example with the Bluebird scout, i beg you...

Michael: you'd look good with your head shaved. get rid of those sideburn valleys you got...

bathtub scene.

Henry: isn't it weird when people IN a movie refer to ANOTHER movie?

Jane Fonda in Klute: right? it questions the existence of these characters. are the people in THIS movie real or are the people in THAT movie real?

Shelley Long: i don't have a watch, i have a Swatch...

Madame Pons: no but this bathtub scene is QUITE fetching. very sexy. i'm gonna do this to win Takahashi back, instead of water fill the bathtub with soft fake furs, get naked in clothes, makes the fucking lend itself to LESS CHAFING.

Mardith: no LUSH soaps? 

Madame Pons: nope, i own a Swatch...

Super Mario: it's IMPOSSIBLE to fuck underwater...

Henry: did you get beat up by your pimp?

Shelly with swollen eyes: no it's just my smeared makeup. i've been crying for 24 hours.

Henry: okay, that makes sense, i won't pry, i won't do anything further.

Dan Fielding: and now this has turned into Night Court...

Jean-Luc Picard: speaking of, i immediately recognized you as a Klingon last night...

John Larroquette: did i play a Klingon in The Next Generation?...

Picard: no, it was because you were WHITE not brown. nice ridge-job tho.

Henry's father-in-law: whores CAN'T fall in love...

Julia Roberts: ...

Michael: pay attention to my chalkboard Glengarry Glen Ross presentation on pimping.

Henry: you girls got me a purple pimp hat for Christmas.........i look so goofy in it...

prostitutes: we're smart enough to be nurses.

Shelley: sadly, this vintage classic hotel, a symbol of the glamorous '80s NYC skyline, has been razed by.........you know who...

Jen R: take me back to NYC BEFORE 2001...

Richard Belzer: is this a gangland shooting or a dentist's-office appointment visit?...

Michael: hey, cops get lonely, too...

Henry: i bit my own arm off.

Michael: Blaze Land, i created that from my last name, it's now every marijuana club in every college dorm room...

Boc: this jail scene is offensive to me and my fellow members of the gay community.

at the cemetery.

Michael Keaton: there's a tombstone here carved with the name BEETLEJUICE three times.........hey guys, don't wait up for me, i'm gonna try something, i'm gonna try and dig a hole here...

at Judge Harold T. Stone's office.

Judge Harry Stone: you're lucky this is an election year. we need Andrew Cuomo to become President or all of Trump's New York cases go POOF. like magic. we'll get you off with a warning, prostitution is about getting off anyway.

Michael: let's make a messy situation messier.

Roger Federer: DAMN, you can really cause a lot of BRAIN DAMAGE with a fucking tennis racquet. tennis is RIFE with concussions...

Steven Spielberg: this adult nightclub looks like the nightclub from my live-action Flintstones movie...

Al Pacino: that's the dude who shot me dead in Scarface!!! pelican cabron.

Michael Keaton: you belong in the archives, buddy, that's the best line from this movie.

Michael Keaton: i broke three ribs squeezed between the two of you, but true love is worth that. i'm cold out here.

Henry: get naked.

Shelley: if you SQUINT hard enough you see the three of us by a crane during the end-credits. we all stayed by that crane for 24 hours before Ron Howard said cut.

Ron Howard: i forgot. Shelley said she likes em long.

Shelley: as in Long Island.

Michael Keaton: i slept in that crane overnight. i have no friends. my parents are dead. in the morning all my muscles were gone. all the socks rolled up into balls left my chest...

Michael Keaton: you're not SEEING the big picture, man.

Henry Winkler: that's not funny, my father-in-law has degenerative ocular cancer...

Henry: why are you so TWITCHY? are you on drugs?

Michael: no, i have a lot of anxiety.

the penguin from Neon Genesis Evangelion: let's talk about this soundtrack!!!

Jen R: i have this on vinyl.

penguin: Quarterflash is an '80s staple...

Dionne Warwick: "That's What Friends Are For" is MY song, you spiky-haired demon!!!

Rod Stewart: i tried so hard to make this song mine but it wasn't to be, it wasn't believable coming from me.

Heaven 17 "Penthouse and Pavement": we're missing that Janet Jackson vibe The Human League has...

penguin: sure, Talk Talk, but that's all talk. i'll leave you with that one song that you have jogging around in your brain RIGHT NOW but you don't know what it's called: Penguin Cafe Orchestra "Perpetuum Mobile". IBM, right? Chevron, right? and either UPS or Waldenbooks. g'night folks.