TENNIS TWINS: NINES

 

Simona Halep is at her wedding. to some guy.

Simona Halep: are you strong enough to be my man?

guy: hey at least i don't get my strength from PEDs.

Simona: those drugs were for recovery, man, just for recovery.

Lance Armstrong: right?

Tai: i'm catering this wedding. Twilight weeping-willow weddings are SO last year. i'm giving free massages to all the guests. in the Keysar tent. free El Paso pockets after. solo travel is not crazy again!!!...

at the signing.

Simona: you wanna sign the guestbook? officially with me? i'm giving up half my tennis wealth in this deal. it's not a good look for me if you're a no-name.

the guy stands up.

guy: honey, don't you know who i am?...

GEICO Caveman's wife to her husband: you wanna get back in my good graces? get me a shoulder bag...

GEICO Caveman: like Grace Kelly, got it.

hobo bag: we are the STYLISH ones in the bag family...

Spike Spiegel: that kage in Naruto in the Star Wars blue-hologram glow that looks like ME tho. are we EVER gonna get new Cowboy Bebop.........cartoons?...

anime: we make you cry cuz we animate the flowing of tears in the eyes from the first short pool in the ducts in rivers down the valleys of the facial cheeks so ACCURATELY...

Christopher Reeve: the best fireworks are Dr. Stone fireworks. so much so a kid dropped his cotton candy over them.

Robin Williams: hey can you do me a favor, Superman? can you collect ALL the fucking gunpowder in the world and grind it into pretty fireworks?

Senku: tournament arcs are lame, i mean look at One Piece...

Luffy: you can get the Dr. Stone set: one Medusa ring, one cup of Revival Fluid, along with one Castle Grayskull...

One Piece toy soldier: remember when the country was gonna get together and form Public Works groups which would speed along the infrastructure of the land? 

Rebecca: yeah, but that second Obama term seemed to go by in a flash...

Rebecca: do you mind if i sing Martika's "Toy Soldiers" to myself again to prepare for gladiatorial combat?

toy soldier: it's a good song but i'm sick of it.

The Outer Limits "Descent": The Clan of the Cave Bear meets Altered States.

Leland Orser: and The Incredible Hulk.........and Teen Wolf...

Brendan Fraser: and Encino Man.

Leland Orser: i was more menacing on Lost. you can't get the good women unless you're an asshole to get her attention but then on the first date you're discussing classical music with her.

Mardith: this was the first Outer Limits with an actual rape.

Leland: just from a script standpoint, when i say "fuck off" to that asshole, that was the most satisfying linereading of my career. don't you try to buddy-up to me now that i'm an asshole like you, it don't work that way, right, Mayhem from Allstate?

Mayhem: i'm in a timeout until i hear Mariska tell it, until i learn about Mariska's rape-survivor story and REALLY soak it into my personality to change my ways.

Jesus: Altered Beast, i mean DAMN, that's a straight-up crucifixion!!!

tiny bubbles: Lawrence Welk champagne and baby bottles on the stove at 4AM...

Biden: COME ON MAN!!! he's trying to RELAX at the crack of dawn on his walk of the early morn, and he's confronted by signs in the grass advertising the latest "independent" politician. politics GAVE him his stress that he needs to walk off now!!!

Doryce: since when do you care if people see the cum spot on your pants, dear?

Less and Deen: at least we never did loser laps...

Mike Tyson: Bite Society? this is my brand!!! i'm especially partial to the benne wafers...

The Habit burger grill: nice FLUFFY soft napkins. no shirt, no shoes, no service UNLESS you have furry feet...

Jamie Davis from Highway Through Hell: i ran a towing company. then my daughter entered the UFC and became a kickboxer. now i run a Hope recovery center...

daughter: i'm a fighter, dad, both meanings...

bottle box: Flipper's dreamgirl.

Bottle Box: we're not a box for bottles, we're boxes MADE from bottles.

me: Molly Kearney is my DoorDash delivery driver, i kid you not...

Trent Reznor: Zardun, my favorite album of mine...

Trent Reznor: i really need to go to Zardun, to that retreat resort, i need for things to be QUIET, you know?...

Hector Elizondo: for those nonsense catchphrases Ioz says on The Pirates of Dark Water, i used the swear words my Puerto Rican grandmother hurled at me when i stole candy from her. i STILL steal candy from her as an old man...

Bloth: when i evil-laugh, i look like i'm about to sneeze...

Aeon Flux "The Purge".

Aeon Flux: did you ever think you'd hear me speaking jive?

Celine: your two girls are the Partridge Family!!! 

Bambara: i'm voiced by Tim Curry, right? i corpsed like a chimney-sweeper when i instantly develop a conscience and start talking beneficently. i laughed my arse off.

Trevor: a train bomb for the fairy godmother, that is so Disney...

Bomb Pops: the only thing patriotic red-white-and-blue that's COOL!!!

human consciousness: apparently it's the assassin droid IG-88 from Star Wars...

Julia Ioffe: Instagram is about one thing and one thing alone: sexual frustration.

Michael Weiss: you were always smarter than me...

Leslie Sbrocco: 100 Days? sounds like an Ancient Roman Colosseum recovery center, i saw Lindy Lenz at one of those.

Lindy Lenz: Roman recovery is relaxing, like a mud bath.

Justin Fashanu: the Hephaestus Halfway House was good for me, they were good to me. Aphrodite the homewrecker was there metalworking her own chastity belt...

Leslie Sbrocco: you see how i shameless flaunt my sex appeal on 100 Days? i kiss each man on the cheek. i LITERALLY kiss the chef. kiss any man on the cheek and watch him COOK for you...

Fuerza: you're a dish in search of a dish. hey humans, just so you know, what Leslie Sbrocco is doing, this is the CORRECT WAY TO LIVE.

Leslie: it also doesn't hurt if you're completely naked under a Calistoga mud bath...

Jesse Jane: CRUEL, SNL, doing those pornography jokes in the last skit on the day i died. tribute means a different thing for me now. where's MY black-and-white photo shown in silence before the commercial break?...

Alabama farmer: i'm in a tough bind. get it? combine. thresher. a Bind-en. i'm a red-blooded American but i need Chinese tech to farm!!!

Madame Pons: i've never seen a men's book club...

Mona Lisa: i prefer my chicken noodle soup cold...

Ariana Araiza: what do you do at night when it gets chilly? errands? walk the cat? do you fuck with a sweater on?...

football: the ONLY thing that brings ALL Americans together from now on...

Roger Goodell: i'm not wearing any pants...

Starbucks: why aren't there 20 people squirreling outside our coffee shoppe every morning at 7:30AM? 

Mardith: all the crumbs? of their donutholes?

Bill Gates: i have a calming face. i'm your non-crazy grandpa. the future's gonna be okay. my wrinkled-from-wisdom face calms better than coffee...

Nikki Haley: Halley's Comet? no. Hailey's Comet? no. Haley's Comet...

white box: when you can't understand Marilyn Manson...

grey box: you will NEVER understand cats...

at the NFC Championship.

Michael Jackson: in the '80s they trotted a REAL LION out onto the field. 

Erin Andrews: i'm the real lioness on the field today...

Brandon Aiyuk: i'm the Shinigami from Death Note...

Simona Halep: who are you?

guy: i'm Joey Graziadei!!! it's been a crazy day. i am NOT Joey Graceffa. 

Simona: who is that?

Joey Graziadei: i'm the former tennis pro who became The Bachelor. i'm not religious but i played my college ball at Opus Dei.

The Pope: in front of me. your tennis trunks were TIGHT.

Simona: fine but are you smart enough to be my man? see what i'm scribbling in the guestbook? decipher it.

Joey: nines? huh, i don't get it. we're both nines, right?

Simona: nines is an anagram for tennis. no marriage.

Chris Evert gets up from her seat in the wedding crowd.

Tai: solo travel is good for the soul. solo travel is nourishing. solo travel is back on...

Chris Evert: my fellow guests, bitches of honor, and liturgical men, i can't do this shit anymore, my marriage is a sham.

Jimmy Connors: sit down, honey, you're making a scene. making the scene is a good thing...

Billy Corgan: ...

Jimmy: ...but making a spectacle of oneself makes me uncomfortable. i hate when people stare at me and think i'm a monster. want me to put "Puttin' on the Ritz" on the car radio to calm you down?

Chris: i've decided i'm gonna marry Martina Navratilova who is my TRUE soulmate. we're gonna do it on That's Incredible that 1980 show with my dear friend and former tennis pro Cathy Lee Crosby.

Jimmy: but Cathy Lee Crosby is fat and in a wheelchair now.

Cathy Lee Crosby: hey buddy fuck you, that's your overheated imagination getting the best of your fat fetid overeager hipless ass. i'm still the blonde babe who was in that Land of the Lost ripoff show...

Ron Harper: i played for the Bulls, the Lakers, and Land of the Lost...