Roger Federer joins Chris Evert WAY UP HIGH furthest way from the Wimbledon Semifinal Court.
Chris Evert: cute civilian shorts.
Roger Federer: i never wear shorts. and it's fucking freezing up here. me and cold go together Ike Green Bay and Brett Favre, like goat cheese that's an ice cube. fancy meeting you in the bleed seats.
Chris: cheap is my middle name. you're cute. i could lose myself in your eyes. your eyes are like the ocean without a paddle.
Roger: not now, i'm concentrating on my pupil.........my student. yeah right, that's a joke, where the fuck is your son anyway?
Chris: you're in charge of him.
Roger: i haven't seen Kris since he binged on a KFC chicken bucket a week ago. i swear that kid just disappears for long stretches of time, that boy eats large chunks of time, he eats and goes under for large chunks of time...
Roger: your daughter on the other hand is a gift. she is gifted. Connie is a dream. i mean she's only been holding a racquet in her hand for a month now and she's already made the Wimbledon semis!!!
Chris: the girl takes direction well. i actually don't tell her much, it's all instinct with her. mostly i advise her on what fashion options she has, the best skirts of the season. pleats are in this year.
chair umpire: ladies and gentlemen, the match has been delayed indefinitely for a LONG-ARSE pee break for Connie Connors...
Connie: freedom...
TOM from Toonami: we don't have anything planned for you for 3 weeks not because it's the holidays but rather because the power will go out for 3 weeks...
Truman Capote : The Swans were horsefeathers. i should have just joined Zwan...
Billy Corgan: Truman Capote and i have the same voice...
Andy Hug: was i the inspiration for Jean-Claude Van Damme's brother's character in Kickboxer? yes. MY leg-kick was straighter than Van Damme's leg-kick but all they wanted me to do was hug my opponent...
Justine Henin: i mean the thing is, BELGIUM is the REAL world-renowned chocolatier. WE satisfy Earth's sweet tooth.
Roger Federer: now you take that back. that hurts my feelings. Switzerland is the chocolatemaker to the globe, WE are the planet's pushers.
throw at me: i'll duck.
Michael Weiss: you're only "my dear friend" if YOU DM ME...
oil: you don't dump oil down the drain? you have to put it into a glass Smucker's-jelly mason jar, tighten the lid, and throw it in the trash? that's WAY too much work...
Rick Sanchez: righty tighty lefty Schwifty?
Adam Schefter: lefty Schefty, you idiot.
Mother Goose: lefty loosey, you idiot.
mom: wash your hands in MY bathroom again after a year, to signal i'm comin' home, it's your Second Baptism...
Ear Horn: i saw an EGRET on the lawn right across the sidewalk from my house. what a magnificent BASTION OF BIRDY LOVELINESS!!! I am that egret's familiar. I am that egret's Pyewacket.
egret: i fooled you there for two minutes, i stood completely still with my leg up and you thought i was a lacquer statue.
Jack Hanna: fuck Wildlife Preserve. fuck Animal Control. let this bird FLY FREE!!!
David Letterman: ...
egret: never regret your first time with an egret...
Talia: oh the litter in my box was so FLUFFY this morning!!! so AIRY, like SOFT CLOUDS, like SATIN PILLOWS!!!
Trinity: LIKE BISCUITS.
Laertus: American Graffiti is another one on the list, i don't know if i'll EVER see it.........the rest of my life...
deminonbinary: has nothing to do with demons.
Werther's Original: from afar they look like Top Ramen...
negative consultant: a nice guy just trying to make the animation run smoothly...
Bruce Lee: here in San Francisco i pledge to be a better man to you.
Lindy Lenz: can you make this same pledge but here in Baltimore?
Bruce: i know the Travolta white suit from Saturday Night Fever is NOT cheesy to you.
Lindy: i got a thing for Tom Hanks, too.
Bruce: and i know you like EXTRA CHEESE on your pizza. so i'll combine the two and wear the John Travolta Saturday Night Fever white dance suit when i pick up our pizza from Domino's.
Lindy: does anyone PICK UP PIZZA anymore?
John Travolta: for Doheny's Sweet Heat, you can't get that DoorDashed...
Tom Hanks: when John Travolta tries to be funny, he starts to resemble me, he starts to look like my little brother, he starts to look more and more like Barbarino...
Egon Schiele: if anyone is the Demiurge, it's me...
Aeon Flux: you are such a PRETTY man...
Egon Spengler: same animation as our Ghostbusters cartoon...
Ear Horn: that Ember bathroom spray smells like one of my old spells...
Doryce: ...and rancid bubblegum...
Gladyce: try one of my Glade spells, dear...
Moonshiners on Discovery: could there BE a more stupid show than this?
Chandler Bing: ...
Monterey Airport: Paris? no, you want to be going to Arizona now for your favorite baseball team's Spring Training...
Mr. Kotter: when raindrops keep falling on MY head, they stay there and collect until my curl fro has a salty swimming pool inside it.
Boc: last day of the year, Dec 31, everybody's up early to collect that last paycheck before they shove their job...
Salinas: i mean if you can't bounce up and down in your lowrider, if you can't cruise in your lowrider past our only mall, what's the point of Salinas?
Brianne Pfannenstiel: I was the first goth!!!
Julie Patzwald: you do have that PERFECT GOTH FACE. would you like to be our goth drummer? there are no goth princesses in our band, just goth musicians working hard, being industrious...
Elaine: why you crying?
Jerry: Patty.
Elaine: Lori Loughlin. i see. you're crying because she is in for a WORLD of hurt in the future...
Jerry: i'm going to feel bad for her...
Sam Waterston: who are you?
June Diane Raphael: June Diane Raphael. my eyes BEDAZZLE AND GLITTER. beglitter. gazzle. what adult-swim show would you like to be in, Sam Waterston?
Sam Waterston: never address me by my full name. Assy McGee, i want to play the bad guy for once...
Space Ghost: i want to do a serious interview with you, Sam Waterston.
Sam Waterston: what did i tell you? i have a rocket-gun in my pants pointed at you.
Jane Adams: i have REAL ANIME EYES. my eyes are kawaii IN REAL LIFE...
Kakashi: the woman's got cute eyes...
Suzy Lu: ...
Jenny Baranick: E.N.G., Electronic News Gathering...
Talia: the new cat food looks like Count Chocula cereal...
Boc walking on January 1 at The Barnyard: no music playing on New Year's Day, that's not very welcoming. seriously is this a fucking Dog Hotel or what?!!! starting the year like this makes me remember just how much i hate this area...
at New Year's Eve at Times Square.
Neil Patrick Harris, smiling-winking: the person wasn't a fan UNTIL we hooked up, know what i'm sayin'...
Anderson Cooper: maybe you're alone this New Year's Eve. dreading losing a loved one. maybe your life just didn't turn out the way you thought it would...
Andy Cohen: just have another shot. have another shot of vodka, it'll make you feel better. soon, vodka won't be made anymore...
Mrs. Kotter, smiling: did you fart? did you fart on New Year's Eve? did you New Year's Fart?...
Mrs. Kotter: you had no idea i was in that Amazing Stories episode "Such Interesting Neighbors" until it was long over...
Stu Allard: i spend SO MUCH FUCKING TIME doing my Music Review every year and NOBODY READS IT!!! i am so meticulous and thorough and sit through to sift through the chaff and nobody takes the time out of their busy schedule to throw a dog a bone.
John McEnroe: ...
John McEnroe: you gotta be Kirk Herbstreit's Golden Retriever to get attention now.
Stu: do you know how many shitty albums i have to listen to to do that damn post?!!! of TODAY'S music, not good music!!! and nobody reads it. nobody reads it AT ALL. 9 more months of my dwindling life down the drain...
at the Wimbledon Bathroom.
Jimmy Connors: why does the Wimbledon bathroom look like a 1920s speakeasy?
Connie Connors: dad you're embarrassing me. get out of the Ladies' Bathroom!!!
Jimmy: you're gonna be disqualified soon.
Connie: what did you put in me, dad?
Jimmy: just a mild supplement of Panko breadcrumbs. you need to gain weight, darling, i'm worried about you.
Connie: that's MY decision to make!!! women are more than their weight, i shouldn't be pressured to achieve a certain poundage one way or the other, up or down. want me to pound YOU to smithereens?
Jimmy: this wood locker has already been pounded to smithereens by Bud Collins. what the fuck happened here?
Bud Collins: i had sex.
Connie: wait why was the drug-test tab they gave me a Pop-Art picture of Christian Bale from American Psycho?...
Jimmy Connors: i'm sorry, honey. you do what you want. can you believe you've already gotten this far?!!!
Connie: i have the feeling mom didn't put you up to this.
Jimmy: your mother and i don't speak. don't worry, that just means we've been married a LONG time.
Connie: it's just as well, i didn't want to play Serena in the Finals, Serena is my idoless.
Connie disqualifies to Karolina Pliskova. Karolina Pliskova moves on to the Finals and gets disqualified vs. Serena Williams. Karolina Pliskova is disqualified for using a needle.
Serena: looking at my dad, my mom, and my sisters up in the stands right now, i want to take a snapshot of that family grouping with my mind and NEVER forget it...
Karolina Pliskova: no you don't understand, i use this needle for my TATTOOS...
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