at the wedding. at the vows. Bruce Lee has been crying so hard he's slobbering and blubbering all over his gi. his voice breaks with each syllable.
Bruce Lee: and i promise.........i will.........NEVER.........hurt.........you.........i didn't think i'd be able to get that word hurt out.
Lindy Lenz: aw.........that is so sweet, Bruce. no really. that is quite lovely. same thing goes for me. this marriage is gonna be rad. but one question: why is there NO ONE in the church?
Bruce: i mean i don't have any friends and my enemies are scared SHITLESS of me, they're terrified of getting karate-chopped down in their prime.
Lindy: and my relatives live on the WAY other side of the country in Baltimore.
Ear Horn: i'm here as a witness. every couple needs that Romanian great-grandmother witch as a witness. to keep things magical. every marriage needs magic or it won't survive.
Lindy: a little magic?
Ear: no, magic. love doesn't happen by ACCIDENT, dearies.
Lindy: thank you for this lovely bouquet of witch hazel.
Jen R and i are breathing the arid air of Jurupa, California at the Destinos rancho.
Jen R: this air is good for my heath walks. keeps my face on fire. my complexion scalding.
me: don't be jealous but i'm still in love with Raquel Rodriguez.
Jen R: Liliana Abud gave me my first bud.
me: Bud Collins gave me my first bud, that's why you're so much more advanced than me.
Jen: nah we got a connection.
me: i'm an only child.
Jen: i KNEW you were an only!!! an only like me. aren't we the best coolest people? we have to create our own worlds to keep ourselves entertained.
Jen R: come up with the PERFECT FIRST DATE we'd go on if we had to start over.
me: i'm thinking.
Jen R: imagine that you're trying to get your life back in order, that you're giving yourself a second chance. you're taking the Kathie Lee Gifford spicy vegetable pills. you're mustering the will to actually go on a date again.
me: i got it!!! i'm not giving up!!!
me: so i'm inside the Destinos rancho but it's not like the TV show. where's the Carlos Reygadas white stucco?
Jen: yeah it's a Goliath Books. the inside of New York's bestest book shoppe.
me: is this where you'll FINALLY agree to be my partner?!!!
Jen: sure i'll be your partner. publishing partner. on our joint graphic novel.
me: which would never have happened without the joint we smoked. a fine kettle of fish of fine books in this here fine establishment. what's the novel gonna be about?
Jen: how fate is nice but actually it's better to just go to a monastery at 17. how David was actually WIDER than Goliath cos he ate a lot of kiln donuts. how Goliath's sister was Cher.
Minster: Zanny Minton Beddoes is my mother.
Zanny: i didn't want my son to be a monk, i wanted my son to be a rockstar!!!
Kate McKinnon: i'm the newest chef on America's Test Kitchen on PBS...
LeVar Burton: if you're ever stuck on what to say in the Instagram comments, use this response for ANY occasion, it works for EVERY post: butterfly in the sky, i can go twice as high.
Stephen A. Smith: can love conquer the Cowboys?.........i'm asking this seriously...
Molly Q: my tits are doing jumping jacks this morning.
Jim Harbaugh: we were on a mission in Michigan. Mission Michigan. it was a Schembechler shambles. i'm the new head coach of the Raiders. i am now ENCOURAGED to break the rules. imagine me in charge of outlaws. that sparks more philosophical improvs out of me, mindbender outbursts on the spot.
Rubikon: that sucks for AP.
Djokovic: ...
Antonio Pierce: fuck all y'all poll prompts.
Boc: when i walk with all the seagulls flying everywhere and everything, the parking lot is like a beach...
seagulls: we're webbed-foot ducks who can't swim.
Boc: if i do the walk and back to Safeway instead, man that would be a DEPRESSING WALK.
Encyclopedia Brown: the Amazing Stories theme song makes me happier than eating a 3 Musketeers bar while watching "Hell Toupee". hell toupee, get it? hell to pay. my detective skills uncovered that mystery.
Takahashi: i know i'm sexy and irresistible and everything but when the Brazil guy who planned out his marriage three years ago suddenly gets divorced and has a crush on me again, i know i'm in trouble...
Leo Raff: the time zones are different in Brazil, gets us loopy. Trump can't run in Brazil until 2030. i know i know, this is not good for me, my life is a shambles. i'm going in the wrong direction...
Leo: i'm going back. home. when i should be going forward...
Takahashi: upside-down hemispheres...
Michael Weiss: it sucks when you send a post on Instagram and the person not only DOESN'T see it but posts something on her Instagram Stories to let you know she's active...
TheraWorx: get that GIANT HEMATOMA off your calf muscle!!!
mizithra: Mothra's favorite cheese.
Mothra: my name is Mitzi thank you very much.
Pete Davidson: my raccoon drug eyes are bad but not as bad as Henry Winkler's pops-in-law's eyes. i was high on ketamine at Aretha Franklin's funeral but at least i wasn't high on Ozempic.
Ariana Grande: and THAT MOMENT was when i decided to break up with you...
micropause: your micropenis needs a break.
Ear Horn: gorse, the saffron horse i use to cast spells.
Princess Zelda: my golden horse!!!
Ulez: can i join the goths? Ulez is a goth name. i use Ulex in my sex practice.
Julie Patzwald: Furze and Whin are also good goth-band names.
at the auditions.
Helder: my name is Helder and i'm a woman...
Julie Patzwald: held her, very clever.
Helder: and i play the drums with my strawberry Pocky sticks.
Julie: do you own a steel Hello Kitty lunchpail?
Helder: yes.
Julie: you're hired.
Suzanne Somers: what did all my years of healthy living get me?
Suzanne Somers's husband: happiness. your healthiness got us happiness.
Mrs. Kotter: i was afflicted with the same Hollywood disease Laraine Newman suffered from, casting directors telling us we had to be anorexically thin to be beautiful.
Laraine Newman: to be hireable. skinny is sour.
Olivia Rodrigo: ...
Ear Horn: Holwood herb is not good for you and will not make you whole. unless you're a witch...
Cecilia Phillips: i'm not impossibly complicated in my Instagram like Maiara Walsh. i like trying it and redetailing my Firebird.
Takahashi: my kind of phat woman.
Cecilia Phillips: and redating you.
Maiara Walsh: i'm too much. i'm too much for you. you can't handle my muchness.
The Outer Limits: you aren't addicted to porn, you're addicted to our sex scenes...
Taylor Swift: but what does "hooked up" mean?
Selena Gomez: we constructed a fireman's ladder at the library one afternoon.
Jo Koy: those Swifties fight dirty, man. one swung a Swiffer wet-jet mop at me in a light alley.
Chelsea Handler: i coulda been your shield. i understand blondes.
Gillian Anderson: no, my dress was embroidered with sequined Scully's vibrators...
Philip K. Dick: Apple Vision Pro? nowhere NEAR A Scanner Darkly. just use that Apple junk for porn. and use a gel pen to avoid check fraud. a gel pen filled with liquid metal...
Eye Luggage: Romancing the Stone and go.
Diane Thomas: my life story is FUCKING CRUEL, my life ended so FUCKING CRUELLY. it's not about the Indiana Jones script.
Harrison Ford: i mean this reads like the Haunted Mansion movie...
Diane Thomas: it's about the fact that i was a young vibrant Hollywood screenwriter who had gotten a break and was in the prime of her life. i was writing good stuff and i had a boyfriend, my dreams had come true.
Steven Spielberg: a boyfriend, not a boogeyman.
Diane Thomas: and my life journey just UNCEREMONIOUSLY ENDS INSTANTLY without me knowing the joy of finding true love forever, finally settling down, and growing a big 9-person Greek family. no i'm not the Wendy's girl, i'm not his daughter.
Diane Thomas: how this movie got made is a Hollywood story in itself. i was working as a Malibu waitress and i slipped my manuscript between the legs of Michael Douglas who was dining there. i slipped that sucker under the table, that screenplay was heavy, it was a TOME of 10,000 pages!!!
Michael Douglas: my dinner date that evening was Wolfgang Puck.
Diane Thomas: i mean this is the stuff of legend. everybody goes to Hollywood and becomes a waiter as they write on the side. nobody gets their stuff looked at, everyone STAYS a waiter the rest of their life. slipping on tiny ice cubes.
Diane Thomas: Romancing the Stone is MY real-life life story. my search-for-love story. Kathleen Turner is ME. we look alike, yes?
Michael Douglas: in a certain light.
Diane Thomas: it took me FOREVER to find my person. i was worried, i was thinking i was gonna miss the boat and have a crappy life. turns out i did.
in the makeup chair.
Kathleen Turner: this is AFTER Body Heat so you have the most difficult job of all time: your task is to make me HOMELY.
Robert Zemeckis: more importantly, this was AFTER Indiana Jones so i'm gonna have a HEADACHE's worth of copyright trouble.
Michael Douglas: this is BEFORE Wall Street so i'm okay.
Kathleen Turner: Zemeckis was a DICK during shooting.
Robert Zemeckis: what? i was just showing you the latest camera techniques i invented. i wanted you to look at THAT camera that's on top of an airship way high in the sky while you're down deep in the cenote of this jungle.
Kathleen Turner: my name is Joan Wilder, the PERFECT romance-author name. eat my shorts, Joan Collins. my opening romance is a Western where the handsome cowboy rips off my bodice in a rancho. but it fizzles out in real life cos, well, Westerns suck.
Parker Lewis: this strangely feels like my show...
Eve Smith: hold onto this letter, dearie, i won't be around when you read it again, i'm old and have a recognizable face.
Joan Wilder: where's the beef?
Eve: i'm too old to cry. to think casting directors only noticed me when they thought i could play their grandma.
Holland Taylor: what a schlub club. clubs suck, social clubs suck more. come home with me? all these eligible bachelors are serial killers. did you experience deja vu just now?
Kathleen: no you did.
Holland: are you ever going to find love?
Kathleen: i'm either unlucky or picky. i want it!!! but i'm a dreamer. i know i'm old but i'm not replacing sex with candy and food just yet...
Holland: it's just i care about you and i don't want your head in the clouds when it comes to finding Mr. Right.
Kathleen: if i don't daydream i can't be a writer. my dream man is Humphrey Bogart if he made it to the '80s. what about you?
Holland: i'm into women, it's easier. i like em like Eve Smith. wanna borrow my PeeChee?...
Kathleen: my apartment got ransacked.
George Costanza: just another day in New York.
Mary Ellen Trainor: sis, i got kidnapped. i mean i'm training for the Olympics in Cartagena, Colombia...
Kathleen: Cartagena, carta for map. don't worry, the map is on the back of a Froot Loops box.
Jen R: did somebody say antiquity antiquing?...
Mary Ellen Trainor: it's an amazing story. don't worry about me over here, the elf is nice.
Danny DeVito: how is a live alligator an antiquity? i was thinking it was gonna be a stone alligator statue.
brother: we're smugglers, we adapt.
Michael Douglas: sup bird.
Laertus: i have to make an embarrassing confession, the movie i thought we were gonna watch was not this one but The War of the Roses.........yeah...
Kathleen: i'm on a rickety wood bus traveling skiddily along a narrow mountainside road. when do we get to Shakira's birthplace?
Colonel Zolo: the trains run on time here.........if you know what i mean...
Kathleen: the bus crashed cos i was too beautiful. does it rain here a lot?
Zolo: very little. but it's a tropical rain...
Luffy: a driving rain. a driving-the-bus rain...
Zolo: have you seen Luffy?
Kathleen: that's a rhetorical question. have you seen Han?
Zolo: how are you gonna pay the ransom?
Kathleen: in traveler's checks. it's the '80s, the world is OBSESSED with traveler's cheques.
Zolo: there's only one: American Express.
Kathleen Turner: it's lucky you had your gun, both meanings.
Michael Douglas: my name is Jack T. Colton. is this supposed to be the live-action version of the Atari video game Pitfall? listen, lady, i don't want any adventure. i just want to do my bird-fighting in peace.
Kathleen: but one of your birds was my pet bird from childhood, my blue budgie Bogie.
in the Ewoks treehouse.
Jack: all i want to do is ride my yacht alone on the open ocean, never see anybody, drink cheap champagne, and talk to birds.
Joan:: sounds lonely, Jack T. Colton. you're a hefnig.
Jack: what the fuck is that?
Joan: you take advantage of women's vulnerable feelings, Jack. then you fly away like those birds you're so fond of.
Jack: that would make me Stratos from He-Man. my mom wanted me to become a monk...
Juan: you're the famous Joan Wilder?!!! OH MY GOD SIGN MY FOREHEAD!!! all the bridges here are springed catapults. welcome to my humble adobe abode. it looks like the inside of a Carlos Reygadas film...
Diane Thomas: okay i want you to really examine the sex scene, look at Kathleen Turner's face, the expression on her face, it is one of UTTER CONTENTMENT, of TIMELESS BLISS, she has FINALLY FOUND THE ONE. she is POOLING IN HER OWN REVERIE. THAT is what every woman is searching for, whom she longs to find, her expedition of expectation that lasts a lifetime...
Madame Pons: i gotta say it's INGENIOUS how you did that sex scene. Kathleen completely naked on the BOTTOM of the bed and the naked Colton is able to cover her tits and her pussy with his body ON TOP.
Mardith: only her butt shows but it's side-butt.
Ralph in the back of the Jeep: it's fucking cold back here. but don't worry, you two, i'm starting to LIKE the cold...
Michael: you're squawking like a penguin.........i know birds...
Takahashi: and now this looks like a Zelda game's hilly pastures and green fields in real life...
Link: yeah except those Christmas trees WITHOUT lights and ornaments, Hyrule doesn't believe in planting trees that are not gonna be decorated...
Jack: that tree looks very Ingmar-Bergman-ish.
at the cave. in the cave.
Joan: an enormous emerald called El Corazon.
Dorothy Gale: gimme.
Jack: is this those The Stones written by that guy, like, 13 years ago? see? i read your stuff, your stuff is hot. not hot as in sex-charged rather hot as in good writing.
Jack: why is every bridge made of rope?
Joan: it's made from a staff of my silk golden hair. distaff. this is the distaff Indiana Jones.
Michael: i was not meant to play Indiana Jones. clearly. i bombed out of my audition.
Kathleen and Joan: but i WAS meant to play Female Indiana Jones!!!
Jack: my mother told me to become a dentist.
Mrs. Douglas: lots of tits and ass in dentistry.
Joan: we're on opposite sides of a raging river and i'm no Meryl Streep.
Jack: i'll meet you at Raging Waters.
Joan: you better pay for room service.
Jack: that mudslide was fun. that's not a sex thing, we went down an actual mudslide...
at the hotel.
Joan: excuse me, has Jack T. Colton rung the front desk yet?
phone: no, but Tom & Jerry has...
Joan: what does the T stand for?
Jack: Tits and ass at the dentist's
at the crocodile pool.
Zolo: get ready to lose your silken hair, my dear. did you know crocodiles cry to lure their prey into their jaws to make them think they are sympathetic to their cause? soften them up, both meanings. it's called...
Danny DeVito: ah HA!!! TRICKED YOU!!! that's an alligator. alligators DO cry sincerely when they kill their prey, they feel genuinely sorry for them.
Danny: hey, do you regret not being able to play Captain Hook in your high-school play all those years ago? well here's your long-awaited chance, buckaroo. let's go to Ralphs in Encino, everybody, my treat.
Jack: both this castle show and the jeep chase earlier are so Universal Studios.
Joan: the stage is set. but nobody can see this stage, it's so high up on the castle turret.
Jack: kiss me. i'll never see you again. but it's okay. time for my Tarzan swan-dive.
Joan: no that is not okay. it's NOT gonna be okay. i will literally DIE if you leave me. and i know how to swim.
Jack: don't jump. both meanings.
back in New York.
Joan: how's my cat?
a soggy Greykid: i had to pay in full for your co-op or they would have thrown us out...
at the publisher's.
Holland Taylor: are you a hopeless romantic?
Joan: i'm a hopeFUL romantic.
Jennifer Lopez: i came up with that first...
Jack: can i park my boat here?
Joan: the Angelina, that's badass. very Tomb Raider. sure you can park it here, New York City has plenty of parking spaces.
Jack: sailing the seven seas soon. coming?
Joan: always. i just cummed now.
Joan: in my next book, a boy in a space vest starts an empire of Universal Studios rides and stageshows by flying his skateboard to his favorite girl's house. the romance gets a little sticky cos he's in love with his mom...
Jack: this would have been a more effective ending if there had been water flowing down the boulevard. as it is, this is just another KSBW anime street parade...
Joan: best four words a woman can hear from a man.
Jack: i love you, too.
Joan: no, let's travel the world...
Michael Douglas at the Academy Awards, tears rolling down his cheeks.
Michael Douglas: i accept humbly this Special Oscar on behalf of Diane Thomas. what happened to her was CRUELLY UNFAIR. she deserved more. she dreamt of more, she romanticized a better life for herself. she had SO MANY PLANS. her future snuffed out like a candle. what did she get out of life? it really does make you think. you really start believing more in a cold random universe than a loving God.
*the Academy Awards audience gives Michael Douglas a standing ovation*
Billy Crystal: g'night folks.
Michael J. Fox on top of a thatched roof: if it wasn't for THIS movie, there would be no Back to the Future FRANCHISE. think about that as you fall to sleep...
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