DO YOU WANT TO BUILD A RAINMAN?

 

notes:

* rain stew: the best stew.

Jackie: ...

Green Day: peppered with organic salt...

* TV-G: only gangstas watch these television programs...

Snoop Dogg: only Gs.

* Ambient Swim: lulls you to sleep better than any tea...

* Brutal Garden: more tranquil than Savage Garden.

* Santa Cruz Beach Boardwalk: full of carnies.

* mouse: NEVER lift me from nor off the mousepad. don't jostle me around, keep me FIRMLY PLANTED on the mousepad at all times.

Tom: even to clean it?

Jerry: me or the mousepad?...

* Bill Belichick: i'm moving on to Cincinnati. do the Bengals need a coach? will the Browns take me back? Joe Flacco is more handsome than Tom Brady ever was. send out those feelers, teams, send out those slips.

* Tom Brady: i wanted you to be my father.

Bill Belichick: i'll be your dad in Cincinnati. twilight of the gods, motherfucker.

* sports anchor: i'm a sports anchor so i'm VERY VERY VERY sexually active...

* Roseanne: call me Rozan from now on...

* Kyle Brandt: look at me. look at my bulky body and ocean eyes. now picture me wearing a monk robe...

* Nick Saban: wanna be text bros?

Deion Sanders: ...

* old babe: let's talk about fecal incontinence.

old babe: skip the pepper pills, just do the surgery.

Kathie Lee Gifford: end of an era...

* Jaclyn Dunn: turbo roundabout. because nobody can make a decision anymore. traffic has become turbo...

me: turbo roundabout: the FINAL REASON i don't drive... 

* Boc: many steps dipped in baking flour on the red bricks of the Barnyard paths.........wasn't me...

* Cholita: our new drummer. likes snausages which have been especially made for humans. 

Cholita: finally there's something new on the menu at Taco Bell in Bolivia.

* chilled pig: when Kermit the Frog is on a business trip...

* walnut whip: when your balls turn steel after eating a Dole whip at Disneyland after waiting in line for 5 days. 

walnut whip: only the finest walnuts at Walmart. a walnut onion-volcano at Benihana. we're the Daleks!!!

* Tom Brady: why do you wear that hoodie all the time?

Bill Belichick: cos it's cold in New England...

* disgorgement: Doryce on Thursdays...

* Jori Epstein: Melissa Maker's kid sister.

* Maiara Walsh: my Instagram is too busy? not as busy as Link having TEN green-hologram spirit fighters along with him on Tears of the Kingdom clogging up the screen...

* fondue party: hot melty Gruyere cheese is not for the faint of heart...

* Jada Pinkett: untangle the spaghetti...

* The Outer Limits "Ripper": we were juicing that High Society highbrow talk so hard even the British actors were breaking.

Cary Elwes: high society. marijuana. the bud. look at my face, i always look like i'm high. i'm the Shaggy from Scooby-Doo who speaks English...

* octopus balls: the kraken becomes a handsome human with a kiss.

Leslie Sbrocco: tucked away behind a strip mall. you now have something between your legs you can tuck into your pants, big fella.

* Lions coach Dan Campbell: if Fred Flintstone were real, on Reddit, and drank Red Bull. 

Seth MacFarlane: can i get this guy to do my Ted TV show which was a good idea?...

* Maynard James Keenan: Tool makes you cool.

Kyle Brandt: ...

* me: that CarShield commercial ALMOST makes me want to go back to watching SVU every week again...

* Boc: it's always disheartening when you see bouquets of flowers stuffed in the Lucky trashcans outside. i'm glad Christmas came and went but those tiny Christmas wreaths affixed to the front grilles of trucks are cute. i got a stinger in my heel.

* Jen R: watch out for snow flurries, they're the riptides of the sky. 

Sneaker Pimps: we fight the weather, we combat the sneaker waves, with our sumptuous new music video "Fighter"...

* Splenda sugar-packet sayings: i mean these are rather subtly dark, depressing, and dank like damp sugar: the only moment is now? life is short? keep it sweet?

Ear Horn: create your own sunshine is pure delicious witchcraft.

* Vail from Safeway: short for Vailia. goths don't ski, too much contrast. i'm wearing black matte lipstick cos it's cold!!!

Julie Patzwald: you're my Visaria!!!

* dad: i could have been Terry Bisson. i could have achieved a Terry Bisson-level of fame. i simply was NEVER given a chance for some UNKNOWN reason. 

vacuum: i suck bovid hair, bovids of the badlands.

* Minster: i was a laid man in college so i was knocked down to lay man. which made me a LAME man. couldn't be a priest so i became a monk...

* Andy Cohen: i don't drink anymore. i play Yahtzee.

* Weight Watchers. 

Chloe: i can eat 10 plates of spaghetti but it's okay cos i have a pretty face.

Reneze: i ate 17 bags of popcorn but it all goes to my tits.

* Liberty Mutual.

kid sister: not a great dress, sis, i hate orchids. i threw MY bottle not the baby's bottle in the back of the stroller.

mom: her first word was Liberty. not mommy.

kid sister: i mean these are pretty first-world problems, don't you think?

* Burger King: linner is low-class. dunch has grandeur.

* CeraVe: in the 1984 world the workers have dry skin but Richard Burton has perfectly manicured moisturized fingers, have you noticed that?...

* trivago: NO THIS IS ALL WRONG!!! WHERE'S THE TRIVAGO GUY?!!! it just ain't the same with this schlub.

schlub: the Trivago Guy was lost at sea when our AI forced him to take a single-engine plane to Morocco.

* Matthew Macfadyen: when my face is in the massage circle i look like Roger Federer. James Bond was able to disappear into thin air, that's how he escaped from all those beautiful women...

* Allstate.

Mayhem: this is ridiculous, i lost a bet and i'm STILL a DICK? come on.

* the best part about having a Taco Bell in your house is the bathroom mirror...

* Dr. Pepper Fansville portal: this is a better sci-fi movie than that thing with Natalie Portman...

Natalie Portman: Black Swan was a MASTERPIECE.

Fansville: no the other one, with the Abyss Uzumaki portal and the tree aliens...

* Vrbo: imagine the roof of our rental house is one giant shingled cookout grill!!!

* Obi-Wan Kenobi: why hasn't anybody thought of this before? that helmet i gave Luke when i was lightsaber-coaching him, that's the perfect bicycle helmet for Boxing Day!!!

* Emilie Ikeda: i'm in a bikini here onboard the Icon of the Seas.........look, i know this is TECHNICALLY a Today Show segment but really this is just a commercial for Royal Caribbean...

* if the GEICO Caveman were on Succession.

Caveman's wife: more like Brown Bunny.

Caveman: my face hasn't aged in 20 years cos it's the caveman makeup. 

wife: why do hairy men love exercising on a rowing machine?

* TurboTax: Doug and Andre aren't gay, they're friends in a Wes Anderson film...

CLICK HERE FOR SIX MORE MONTHS OF COURSE 

 

happy weekend, my babies.

TOMORROW: one question: how big is one KFC wrap?