Jen R and i are at the car show.
me: but why?
Jen R: i know, right? we both hate cars.
me: Takahashi gave us the reco. he said there'd be some lookers, some once-in-a-blue-mooning cars here.
Jen: i love showing my open butt on the open road. okay that Batmobile over there is pretty cool.
we both get into the vehicle.
me: you're driver's side, i will NEVER be driver's side.
Jen: any beverages before i start driving? posset for me cuz it sounds like opossum which no one can spell.
me: syllabub for me cuz it sounds like syllabus.........i'm finally confronting my college demons of having one more year left i didn't finish.
Jen: if you don't finish you can't keep a girl.........in bed.
Jen at the wheel: anyway i'm not available. i have a fam. are you feeling better about this? have you calmed down?
me: i know. it was a large pipe dream anyway. i blew my last manifest brownleaf into the sky this morning, no more me praying Jen R is my wife.
Jen: keep the prayer, just turn it into a warlock spell.
me: can i still be your work husband?
Jen: we need a publisher.
me: i am TERRIBLE at money matters, the financial side of art. i went to Berkeley for English not Business.
down Santa Monica Blvd and onto the PCH Freeway, our car transforms like a Transformer from a Daimler limousine into a 1939 Alfa Romeo Spider into a Fiat Spider and finally into a gnarly Transformer metal spider.
Optimus Prime: deja vu? lay off the day-old oil, get yourselves sober, you weak humans. Megatron is my brother...
Bruce Lee: i'm feeling lovelorn.
Lindy Lenz: better than feeling lovesick.
Bruce: i put on pads and skated down Lombard Street.
Lindy: in MY Thrasher sweater. yeah i saw you on YouTube. no helmet?
Bruce: i was on rollerblades not a skateboard.
Lindy: oh okay. all skateboards have Warped wood from the record label Warp so they're magic, you won't fall off. you know i really thought a Mr. Rogers trolley car was gonna smash into you when you got down the base of the hill at the intersection.
Bruce: instead i ended up trying a new flavor of Rice-A-Roni: lemon. take me back?
Lindy: not until Jackson and his Computerband's song "Vista" becomes OUR song...
Tai and Luke Russert are at Lawry's The Prime Rib in Beverly Hills.
Lawry's: the prime rib here is salty...
Luke Russert: take me back.
Tai: no. but i do have a cold Jack in the Box taco in a paper sleeve sprinkled with a Salt Bae pinch of Lawry's Seasoned Salt.
Luke: i will take that offer. i will make that deal.
Tai: and i get the HOT tiny tacos in the box cylinder in the Jack in the Box brown bag with space facts on them.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: i like that, Jack in the Box space FACTS as opposed to space TRIVIA...
Tai: and the HOT birra sauce...
Tears for Fears "Advice for the Young at Heart" music video: has that Boxing Helena quality to it...
Julian Sands: that black woman on piano should be in your band permanently...
Amazing Stories "The Doll".
John Lithgow: i am an old-maid uncle. that is such a depressing term. what's a male old maid called? an old manservant. hey remember when my show was cool and all of America shortened it to just 3rd Rock?
Tina Fey: no.
John Lithgow: yeah the whole country watched it, and Canada, it was appointment television. but me, i watched Early Edition...
Greykid: a cat birthed that show. a cat birthed the entire galaxy...
Romancing the Stone: an allegory on prediabetes...
Jamie Erdahl: i'm a pregnant woman wearing shorts and showing my legs, i don't give a fuck anymore, i'm me. AND i'm wearing tight black latex pants while pregnant, i'm JUST THAT HOT!!!
Boc: are tiny rattlesnakes the size of a dime slithering around in the dirt of my ear supposed to be circular? immediately as i come to the Red Yellow Brick Road clearing of the Barnyard hilly sloping downward path next to the Swiss fondue bistro, i fart. rain is the BEST, it washes out the world's caked-in grime. stubborn cling. i go back up that Red Yellow Brick Road to that sad sax, saxophone spelling my doom. and i see an all-happy couple with their dog, that really gets my goat. maybe i should get a pet goat...
Weird Science Magazine: will get soiled like a girlie mag soon, pages stuck together like glue.
Jason Kelce: that Travis Kelce thing he does forming his gloved hands in the shape of a heart...
Kelce mom: form of a heart...
Jason: that sign back up to Taylor Swift in the penthouse box is so WHOLEHEARTEDLY LAME that i hope the Ravens take care of business on Sunday.
Travis Kelce: hey bro, i didn't want to say anything, but our mom is kinda creepy, right?
Jason: yeah. and Taylor likes her, which makes me suspicious of Taylor...
Amazing Stories "The Doll"
John Lithgow: this has a Somewhere in Time quality to it. it's set in the '70s but my CAR is from the 1870s. it's not creepiness, it's loneliness. oh well, at least loneliness isn't a problem anymore in the 21st century...
Ms. Dickinson: for a schoolteacher i sure do have a large house.
John Lithgow: me, too. the episode never says what i do for a living, i guess it's implying we're both lonely people cuz we have no time for anything else but work. i'm a hitman btw...
razor clams: NOT for chowder.
Leslie Sbrocco: i will not address you unless you say you're Pazific...
Call of Duty League: we have mansions bigger than Milton Berle. we're millionaires. we can't build a house, we can't pick up a hammer and nail like Jimmy Carter, we play video games...
Takahashi: ...
Jimmy Carter: i'm fucking 100 years old.
Nick Kyrgios: my playing career is over.
John McEnroe: SAY WHAT NOW, NAV?!!!
Nick: i don't have the Naruto fire in my belly. tennis is second to tushie in my life now.
mom: come on you deflating dudebro dingo, you just need to get the same knee surgery i did.
Nick: but what about my depression?
mom: ask my son...
Anna Kalinskaya: you're not a bad boy, you're a bad person.
Nick: take me back, Kali!!! give me another chance. i ate some bad sushi, that's all.
Sloane Stephens: this is true.
Waystar: we're in holdings...
Andy from Parks and Rec: you betta...
Jesus Christ on the MTV Real World set.
Jesus: i ain't gonna get you through the pain of your breakup. praying to me ain't built like that. best consult that medicine man at 7-Eleven...
Soundbeaver "Bright and Positive": Hello Meteor's "Bright and Overcast" but with NO SALT, no Lawry's Seasoned Salt, no seasoning, tasteless like vanilla ice cream.
Hello Meteor: i add the Woody Woodpecker spice to mine.
Cameroon: we are KICKING ourselves over Embiid...
Biden: the election's gonna come down to DOPAMINE...
Rob Huebel: of course i'm the star of Night Court, it makes sense, i was the star of Childrens Hospital during the ENTIRE Obama Administration...
India de Beaufort: *lioness growl* i love your WHITE HAIR. i wanna rub my fingers through your WHITE HAIR.
Rob: thank. a Rob rub. it's the Anderson, gives me a distinguished Ted Danson look.
Rob Corddry: why am i the only one without a Wikipedia entry?...
Paul Scheer: Huebel's natural white hair color, he had to dye it during the Childrens Hospital run cuz adult swim hates white hair.
India: are you my boyfriend now?
Rob Huebel: for one episode.
Melissa Rauch: i'm gonna end up with Wyatt, right? i'm one step ahead of you, writers...
Boc: it's always spooky when the breezy jazz music plays over the abandoned loudspeakers at The Barnyard at 7:30AM and no one's there. then again it'd be eerier if there was NO MUSIC. flickering toadstool lamp by my foot. is that a brownleaf or shell-less snail? is that a berry or a cherry Skittle?...
Barnesy: Rangeley, Maine, the last autumn hometown, the only spot the St. Elmo's Fire reboot can take place now...
Stephen King: halcyon until...
Eye Luggage: Night of the Comet and go.
Laertus: the writing here is SAVAGE, it's CYNICAL, i love it!!! why do people care SO MUCH about these B horror films? they go GAGA CRAZY over this stuff, they study every line of dialogue and every costume change. they OBSESS in a way they'd never over Forest Gump.
Dirg: the people in B movies are REAL PEOPLE.
Eye: these people are more relatable somehow, they're your next-door neighbors, they're ordinary folk put through extraordinary circumstances. usually in zombie form.
Thom Eberhardt: um, excuse me, the word "zombie" is never used in my film...
Dirg: red-blooded Americans who use guns to stop the violence...
Ava Gardner: excuse me, am i on the right film set?
GEICO Gecko: that's Night of the Iguana, miss...
Tennessee Williams: that's a miss...
Joss Whedon: FINE. I GIVE. Buffy Summers came from THIS. turns out a lot of ideas aren't as original as you'd like to think...
Catherine Mary Stewart: i know, i look and act exactly like Linda Hamilton from The Terminator.
Arnold Schwarzenegger: Night of the Comet has a nostalgic quality to it.........which is impossible because it's an '80s movie...
Catherine Mary Stewart: the script reads like an episode of The Outer Limits...
Catherine Mary Stewart: what's the deal with that pic above? i look i'm in a commercial for Payless...
Neil deGrasse Tyson: Halley's Comet was the BIG story around this time in 1984, it came in 1986.
Halley's Comet: i was NOT an apparition. everyone thinks it's Hailey's Comet, Mandela effect.
Reggie Belmont: i'm a girl with the name Reggie. i'm a descendant of the Belmonts of Castlevania...
Eye Luggage: a woman who's a video-game wizard? IMPOSSIBLE.
Fred Savage: yes. savage writing.
Mardith: i'm starting to learn Tetris...
Catherine Mary Stewart: i was also a video-game ace in The Last Starfighter who was attracted to fellow video-game wizards. women DO hang out at the arcade, it's dark in those arcades. i know this particular cabinet is Tempest, not the "game with the arrows and the spears"...
Flea from Red Hot Chili Peppers: did you miss me? i was in the opening crowd...
Reggie: big party going on. do you feel like a dinosaur?...
Kelli Maroney: this is AFTER Fast Times at Ridgemont High.........think about it...
Kelli Maroney: i like Rice-a-Roni. and chips, i auditioned for Light Yagami...
Robert Beltran: CHAKOTAY!!! it's me, Chakotay from Star Trek: Voyager!!! you didn't recognize me without my face markings, huh. i didn't want to be a cholo in this but it doesn't matter, i eventually become the coolest Native American in fucking outer space!!! the Indian in your life who recommends this film to you will be the most spirit-cave warmest wonderful friend of your existence.
Sharon Farrell: why do all stepmoms have to be BITCHES?
Laertus: i love that the poster for the movie Red Dust is up on the wall of the indie movie house.
Jean Harlow: Clark Gable couldn't get it up. i'm serious. and when he did get it up it never STAYED up...
Clark Gable: frankly my dear i need help.
Reggie: DMK? Donkey Man Kong? DMV Kong? i know who it's gonna be in the end, it's gonna be Ferris Bueller...
Reggie: the best i can do is a projectionist named Larry?
Larry: no sweat, kid, you're only 18 years old, i'm just your FIRST boyfriend...
Reggie: so, we fuck in this steel-lined projectionist booth. steel, that's gonna be important later on. it's a whole Wolverine thing going on, i'm also a woman who PORES over comic books. this is a TRUE GIFT i'm giving you here.
Larry: yes. i get it i mean i understand it. you're hot and young and you wear those badass jeans, i understand...
Charles Rocket doing the SNL Countdown on TV...
Samantha: punch me RIGHT in the face, a REAL PUNCH, i want to feel it, i want you to hit me, it'll look more realistic...
stepmom: that hurt more than when your father went off to Costa Rica to fight those Sandinistas who are all WEAK. Reagan America Fuck Yeah!!!
Eye: hey it's the same cul-de-sac neighborhood street lined with those MASSIVE wood log-cabin two-story houses that was in that movie Valley Girl!!!
Eberhardt: i threw in a little Repo Man as well of course. i am everhard with all the Los Angeles County references.
Sam: i was walking my invisible dog. POOF. now i have this STIFF leash that i guess i'll use as a sex toy, i am a cheerleader after all.
Reggie: we're the last people on Earth.
Sam: nah, it's just a really poorly-attended yard sale...
Reggie: tell me where did you sleep last night...
Kurt Cobain: i swallowed Sam in the swaddling clothes of my plaid shirt in one of those omnipresent '80s Oscar the Grouch circular trash cans under a wood bridge...
Red Dawn: what's with this red sky?
Reggie: a lot of people ate a lot of beetroot. farts everywhere. i WISH it were the same ol same ol L.A. smog.
Sam: on the plus side, we don't have to go to the mall, all these clothes that just DROPPED to the dusty sidewalk are ours now!!!
Reggie: but the Galleria is COOL.
Casey Kasem: this is Casey Kasem. well my disembodied voice. i am LIVE right now but i sound like a recording.........Rick Dees is a WUSS...
Rick Dees: call me Rock Deez Nuts. this is a radio station but it's really a rec room...
Reggie: what were you doing in the back of your truck? fucking?
Hector Gomez: helping my mother. border stuff, you two white girls wouldn't understand.
Sam: mi madre es su madre.
Hector: wish me luck, i gotta go down to Van Nuys...
Sam: you know until we saw Rambo on Christmas Day, i thought Uzis were a brand of lollipop.
Reggie: Uzis were THE gun of the '80s. they were the new thing, the shiny object, guns that looked like library books...
First Interstate Bank: the only bank of the '80s, the first time you saw a bank in a CLEAR SILVER SKYSCRAPER tall building with Terminator liquid-metal. that orange-and-brown logo sign hovered over your little kid dreams...
Bank of America: it was a magical L.A. time in your carpet dreams. you NEVER went downtown, drove down that straightaway, Downtown Los Angeles was a mystical land...
Reggie and Sam singing and dancing at the mall: girls just wanna have fun.
Cyndi Lauper: i allowed it ONLY because it was the Galleria...
Sam: you think Hector is a HUNK? is Hector a FOX?
Reggie: he's just kind of okay.
Robert Beltran: that is REALLY RUDE.
Dick Rude: haha, those girls said you SUCK, bro.
Mary Woronov: Lost, the Dharma Initiative, let's pick up the pace, people...
Mary: i'm giving you a placebo sedative instead of the zombie vaccine cuz i hate my job. all scientists are assholes.
Sam: so i won't really be dead?
Mary: sleep. and dream of being with Hector...
Mary: what's that rash on your body?
Sam: Hector's lovebite...
Hector: what was in your suicide note?
Mary: i wish a certain someone had taken me back. actually i wish i had found someone...
Hector: this room is the perfect place for an air-hockey table...
scientists: we left the ventilation on. that's what you're supposed to do during covid, right?
interrogator: have you ever been pregnant?
Reggie: that is the worst six weeks in EVERY girl's life...
Wheels: why does this movie look like Degrassi now?...
alms for the poor, Kids For Heaven...
Reggie: what do brains taste like?
TMNT: bubblegum.
Janice Kawaye: hey look at me!!! look at me ON THE SCREEN!!! this is the ONLY time you get to see ME as something OTHER than an anime voice!!!...
Melissa Maker: ...
Robert Beltran: i do a better cowboy accent than Clint Eastwood!!!
rain: and rain washes away the dust. like the fire which killed all the Black Plague rats in London...
Sam: you know you're really rubbing it in my face. i'm single and you have the perfect all-happy family.
Reggie: there is nothing more BEAUTIFUL than a family of four.
Takahashi: ...
Reggie: little sis, look both ways before you cross the street, what if Biden wins and the world returns to normal?...
Sam: you're cute. AND you have a car. how'd you survive?
DMK: survive? a zombie apocalypse? when did this happen?
Sam: AND dumb, the perfect man for me!!! sorry about the snub, Greta Gerwig...
Reggie and her family Hector and the two kids, one girl and one boy, toss the football around in a WIDE Downtown Los Angeles avenue through the end credits.
Hector: this would make a great Super Bowl commercial...
Laertus: the song "Virgin in Love" is the quintessential soundtrack song which speaks to your ILK, to your group of people of your generation.
Dirg: ...
Bruce Willis: Night of the Comet is the BEST CHRISTMAS MOVIE EVER. my mind is still lucid enough to recognize that, recognize what we ALL have determined. g'night folks.
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