Novak Djokovic: you thought i couldn't pull it off, huh? you thought i'd forget about it. well here it is. you like it? you like MY league? you like the Novak Noodle League?
Takahashi: the weird thing is there are no noodles served here in oyster pails. why?
Eminem: ...
Eminem: i put spaghetti in a sandwich at my restaurant...
Novak: that stuff is expensive. you know how much gluten-free Chinese food costs?!!! you like the multi-colored tennis courts in green, blue, red, and purple?
Greykid: it's tacky. those colors are the same colors in my kitty litter to determine if i have diabetes.
Trinity: you have rabies.
Talia: but we all have rabies.
Prince shirtless in SHORT-SHORTS tennis trunks: only PRINCE plays on the purple court.
Morrissey: but that's only one square...
Morrissey: you're cute...
Morrissey: i don't hear the roar of the crowd. i can't function if there's no roar. i'm part-cat.
Novak: isn't it better with no fans in the stands? you need QUIET to pay tennis properly. it reminds me of the covid days, those were glorious times for me, i was FREE because i didn't take the vaccine. no hecklers in the stands, i could just play...
Morrissey: tennis is all in the MIND. once your concentration breaks, your serve breaks.
Novak: hey Morrissey, you can't PLAY TENNIS NAKED, you gotta put on a least ONE article of clothing.
Morrissey: one sock?
Novak: i see what you're doing there, you're forcing Generation Beta to like the Red Hot Chili Peppers. doesn't matter, this sport is dead. World TeamTennis that is...
Bud Collins: ...
Ambient Swim: lo-fi beats to study to? my studying days are long over. which makes this experience empty.........i'm not bettering myself in any way by doing this activity, you know?...
Rick Sanchez on Ambient Swim: with the screen all blurry and snow and turning blue and everything causing epilepsy...
Lindy Lenz: if it only were that easy...
Rick Sanchez: ...this is not exactly RELAXING to study to. it IS that easy, you simpleton.
AS: stands for Always Shining, the lights are ALWAYS ON over at the adult swim Building. especially at 2:45AM.
Morty Sanchez: i got an M sticker on my laptop for McDonald's, Wendy's can suck it.
Suzy Lu: Obito's death reminds us of what could have been in our lives.
Kakashi: yeah, look at me, my dad wanted me to be a doctor but i ended up a youtube commenter.
Chinjao: Jim from MTV's The Head in One Piece...
Pittsburgh Steelers: can we just forfeit? fuck this snow.
Andrew Cuomo: i would have let the game play on in 50mph snow flurries...
Dave's Killer Bread: oh i know English muffins, i was in a British gaol for killing the Magistrate softly with my acoustic song...
Boc on Tai's massage bed.
Tai: you must be sure of foot, you must PLANT your foot ON the ground at all times or your heel stinger will never heal and turn into an ETERNAL CRAMP...
Boc: i'm up so early in cold in my snow gear, my ice knitcap and black pimp Mr. Serling/Mr. Kotter fuzzy coat, i look like a Weather Channel on-location on-scene correspondent. that lake's gonna get rock-hard like my cock as it prepares for skating...
Glenwood Springs: where Glen Coco lives now, hidden like Waldo.
Glen Coco: the Mean Girls remake SUCKS.
Mayhem losing a bet: hey look, it's the bus from Duel...
Pat McAfee: i was an NFL punter. i also got punted around a lot in life on my head. in alleyways and under bleachers and shit.
Ariana Araiza: wear a coat if you're walking out the door.........for a walk...
Holt Hanley: you no longer see me. i've moved on to bigger waves elsewhere...
EZ Taylor: in the sky?
Holt: no, husband.
seagull: when i low like a moocow it means i got something to say...
Billy Joel: why didn't i play Super Mario in the live-action movie? look at my "Uptown Girl" music video...
Christie Brinkley: i'm not snooty like Princess Peach. i'm cool like Princess Bubblegum from Adventure Time...
Doryce: viking milk, enough cum to fuel a dragon's mouth fire...
Daniel from Safeway: like my scratchy monk beard? i'm entering the monastery on the same day our baby is due.
Julie Patzwald: that is wonderful.
Daniel: yeah.
Julie: what is her name gonna be?
Daniel: Jasmine.
Julie: a little plain but okay.
little boy riding a keychain skateboard: daddy, why is my mousepad so TINY? it's just one very small square of black suction felt the size of my palm which is the size of a stamp.
Tony Hawk: cos you're my son...
People Magazine: do you ice-skate?
Maggie Q: i gay roller-skate.
People: so you're gay?
Maggie Q: i have a husband. wanna watch Friends?...
Ear Horn: all the Splenda sugar packets all lined up like thorns in the tray there look like a Game of Thrones throne...
Amazing Stories "Welcome to My Nightmare": remember when everyone in the '80s had those large silver steel trash cans outside their house? no one has those anymore...
Super Mario: all replaced with green recycling bins the color of green...
Super Luigi: frats are organizations structured to provide a group of men the camaraderie needed to go out in society and be house-building priests...
David Hollander: does anybody eat a bag of popcorn like they're sipping a cardboard can of Coke through a straw like i do? so if i'm a dreamer, if i desire a DIFFERENT LIFE than the same humdrum life everybody else has, that makes me a serial killer?...
Cholita: the only taco filling i need is Spicy Slaw...
Taylor Swift: i went to the Pentagon ONCE on my kindergarten field trip...
Tom Hanks: don't you love how my investigative report on PBS is Rated G?...
Henzy: no one wants to live with a complaindog...
Super Mario with a wrench: what color are you?
TV: color. we're all color. what are you doing with that wrench? trying to fix me?...
Mike McDaniel: you know why you love me? cos i'm Pete Davidson in football form...
Aeon Flux: in "Chronophasia", i finally lived my dream: to be a G. I. Joe baseball mom...
Minster: i chose to become a monk because i wanted a life of GOOD SLEEP...
Minster's mum: chose?...
Boc: one thing i'll be able to do when i become a monk is to walk everyday...
Boc: the landscape is rainswept but the sun is out, this is so SCENIC. i've never walked at 9AM before, the sun is in that corner of the sky instead of on the ground, it's confusing me.
Boc: so i see a tiny grey bulldog unleashed by a tree staring at me.
tiny unleashed grey bulldog by a tree: THIS is Carmel. call me Sup.
Boc: dogs howling in the offing. it's dangerous to be the walker crossing the intersection when the cars on your left can turn, too, turn into you!!! it's a fucking jungle out here...
Cholita: this is my cat Churu. i get stew in a squeeze bottle, but i'll never get peanut butter in a squeeze bottle...
Jammy Yolks: the name of my band in college.
Emmitt Smith: did ya miss me? have you SEEN me lately?!!! i have BRIGHT WHITE HAIR as bright as a Star Trek star. that shooting comet is brighter than the Dallas Cowboys Star and is coming for YOU!!! it's gonna land on your head. i look like that last episode when Geordi La Forge was an old man...
Dann Cianca: i'm a hefty boy who loves weather more than his own mother...
Tim & Eric and Norman Bates: ...
Dann Cianca: i spell Dan with TWO Ns.
Dan Fielding: ...
Dan Campbell: octane is something you eat...
Minster: when i was in parochial school my yellow PeeChee didn't have periods. it was sectioned off into cells...
Yu Yu Hakusho: imagine if "Smile Bomb" played at your wedding.
Yusuke Urameshi: if you watched my show on the regular, you would never HAVE a wedding...
Mardith: yeah i mean i'm just not getting into a leotard and hitting the gym with strange men at 7:30 on a cold morning, i'm just not doing that.
Boc: the seagulls are playing voice-tag this morning...
Takahashi: the emoji with the Xs for eyes, that's not an Asian slur, that really is just a guy like me who is stoned his whole life to cope...
Michael Weiss: oh NOW it makes sense, she was asexual this whole time so of course she was on Instagram EVERY SECOND OF THE DAY, she had nothing to worry about...
Kyle Troup: i'm a bowler. i'm the son of Bob Ross and a NASCAR driver...
Julie Patzwald: Whisper Nest, the first goth club our goth band will play. because the band ate a tray of chili dogs before our first gig because we were nervous...
Kurt Cobain: ...
in the Australian Open play-by-play booth for CBS Tennis. which is parallel to the ground of the tennis court's action.
Jim Nantz: you can see the BACK of the players' SHOES.
John McEnroe: CBS does tennis again?
Nantz: CBS Sports does tennis and golf, the old-people sports. fuck football. bye, Hannah Storm is calling me through the wind.
McEnroe: YOU are the color commentator?
Nick Kyrgios: what of it, mate?
Kyrgios: do you have any idea who the players playing on the court are right now?
John: no clue. the only player i know is Jimmy Connors.
Nick: that's bad form, mate. and to be that way this day of all days, this is a special commemorative match being played in honor of Martin Luther King, Jr. by the William Sisters on one side of the net vs. Tiafoe and Christopher Eubanks on the other side of the net.
John: i place the blame for the shortcomings in my life squarely on YOU. on your pointy Australian shoulders. you look silly wearing that headset on your ears. why aren't YOU playing in this home tournament, you bastard?
Kyrgios: mate i have a lot of injuries.
John: all your injuries are from going on rollercoasters with your psychiatrist.
Nick: sustain my sac, Jack. i ride rollercoasters cos Novak Djokovic took away my driver's licence for my own good.
John: Andy Murray is Novak Djokovic's only friend, jus sayin. i see those two at Chipotle all the time.
John McEnroe: can i switch over to commentating on the women's game?
Billie Jean King: the only name you know is Emma Raducanu, you creep.
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