Berwin: i need to escape this place. i need to go to another place. one where i don't have to talk loud over loud noises. i've lost my voice. but i don't know it yet cos it's too LOUD in here!!!
MBC: easy fix, bro. simply join me for yoga tomorrow morning. in a SCARILY quiet pod of a room at Tatiana's. air-sealed but not celestial-sealed. we won't be disturbed.........for eternity. you'll learn to relax finally.MBC: okay here we are. oh you look so CUTE in your lycra and feathers and poofy legwarmers!!!
Berwin: i'm only doing this as a tribute to Olivia Newton-John.
MBC: just lean your back up like a lioness like i'm doing here.
Berwin: i know the downward dog.
MBC: yes but this is the downward dogfart. watch me as i let loose a big one, as i let a long wet one rip, i'm gonna fart a LOUD FART in front of you and in this place and i won't be embarrassed.
Berwin: i can't do that. i don't have game. i have too much anxiety. and i injured my butthole. i didn't know you could injure your butthole.
MBC: you gotta LET GO, BRO. let it ALL OUT. no shame, no blame, no explain, just BAME.
MBC: now that you've smelt what i've dealt for a good ten minutes, what did i have for breakfast this morning?
Berwin: *sniffing*.........definitely Doritos.
MBC: CORRECT. very good!!! yeah those plain yellow tortilla salted Doritos are the perfect cereal to wake up to, just crush them between your thighs into tiny triangles and add oat milk.
Mardith lights a cigarette, takes a drag, then passes it to Tatiana.
Tatiana: lovely tradition, the swapping of the saliva.
Mardith: i could just spit in your mouth but that's rather crude. cigarettes are classier.
Tatiana: loving lesbos, sapphic sorority, i bless thee and me. and us.
Mardith: sapphic sorcery, i LOVE this New Age shit!!!
Tatiana: yes, well. but see, dear, this is a safe place. a non-smoking oasis here in my studio space. we want to get high NATURALLY here. we want to breathe in SPIRIT here.
Mardith: so whaddaya smoke? whaddaya light up here?
Tatiana: here, light this smudge brush...
Tatiana: *inhaling* we both look up to Posey Tyler from Mission Hill, right?
Mardith: *inhaling* she is Goals forever.
Tatiana: *deep eternal sigh from the diaphragm* Anne Heche would have been PERFECT to play her in the live-action real-life reboot.
Mardith: *deep internal sigh from the heart*.........yeah. i know.
Tim Stier: just trying to steer the Catholic Church in the right direction...
Cotard: you are what ALL priests should be.
Codrus: harumph.
saildrone: the orange sailboat you wished you owned.........the sailboat with the raddest color out there on the ocean.
the crones enter the Loyly sauna steam room at Tatiana's.
Doryce: lovely Loyly.
Gladyce: i am loyally yours. forever.
Gladyce: your besom, dear, your bath broom.
Doryce: this stick is not as big as my bosom.
Gladyce: that's why you dumped Bama Alabama!!!
the two crones laugh so hard the steam turns to ice.
George Costanza: i always get Salman Rushdie and Cat Stevens confused...
Dickson Poon: come on...
The Secret Life of Pets: Off The Leash!!! Universal Studios dark ride: do not ride this ride on July 4th...
Lance Armstrong: speaking of the bicycle, why wasn't there ever an E.T. II? an E.T. 2? i got the perfect title for it: E.T. 2: ETC.. i mean there is SO much more stuff to explore!!! what about showing E.T.'s home planet? we never actually get to see or know what E.T.'s home planet is like.
Steven Spielberg: i handled it, it's all pretty much covered in the E.T. Adventure dark ride at Universal Studios...
Toronto: a city in Spain, a very Spanish name, it means "Place of the Bulls"...
Dirg: yeah, these Disney rides, i really don't need a 30-minute presentation beforehand...
Dinosaur ride at Walt Disney World: ABORT!!! ABORT!!! ABORT!!! ABORT THE MISSION!!!.........WE CAN'T ABORT, THIS IS FLORIDA!!!!!!!!!!
Calico Mine Train Ride at Knott's Berry Farm: we can't use any Disney characters, like the Seven Dwarfs, so all of our miners are unknown nameless humans...
Mother Nature: my omphalos, that is, my bellybutton, is QUITE itchy...
Dirg: i don't want your baetylus...
Laertus: but i want to be your bae, Dirg.
Eye Luggage: my baetylus has two holes poked out in the front for eyes.
Ralphie Parker: ...
Netero: don't you love that my first name is Isaac...
Aristotle Athari: hold on to your butts, folks, i'm gonna be Keanu Reeves when Keanu Reeves retires from being Keanu Reeves...
Billy Martin: despite being born in Berkeley, California, i was not a calm mellow hippie. perhaps i should have pursued a career in show business instead. showbiz woulda soothed me. i died in a car accident on Christmas night?!!! ON CHRISTMAS NIGHT?!!! talk about being born under a bad moon...
Frank Zappa: i never drank, i never drugged, and i STILL got PROSTATE CANCER?!!! are you fucking shitting me?!!!
toxicologist: i've actually had very stable relationships...
Laertus's dad: i grew up on the white Johnson & Johnson talcum powder in that Cubist rectangular tub with the breathing holes. i grew up on orange Johnson & Johnson No-Tears Shampoo. but i didn't grow up on Johnson & Johnson vaccines...
Doryce, Gladyce, and Lance Armstrong do the Muddy Princess bike race in front of the Benny & Joon house. only Gladyce wears a helmet.
Lance, crying mud: this makes me miss my daughters...
Doryce: Muddy Princess was my nickname in college and my band in college.
Gladyce: i've learned enough science here to build a hoverbike...
Eggo: who the hell wants to eat COLD WAFFLES?!!!...
Takahashi: "wait an hour, see what happens" is NEVER good advice...
Chelsie Hill: i'm giving everyone out there inspiration. you're not doomed to wander the woods alone if you come from Pacific Grove...
Pantera "Planet Caravan" music video: those '90s personal-home-computer graphics tho...
Penny Marshall in her John Lennon glasses: yup, that's me in The Church "Under the Milky Way" music video framing Puck from Real World.........with a painting frame.
Jerry Garcia at a street corner in San Francisco: it would have been cooler if my name had been Gerry Garcia...
Alan Watts: i mean my ashes are buried in a giant Smurf mushroom in Druid Heights. DRUID HEIGHTS!!! couldn't be a more perfect name for a place for me to be buried in. it's the Swiss Family Robinson treehouse up in here. up in this bitch. i got my lovely lesbos woman writer friend with me here to keep me company. she's kinda like my bitch from another mother.
Elsa Gidlow: Mother Nature.
Alan Watts: it wasn't a hoax, it wasn't a suicide, it was me deciding that i was done. my heart wasn't in it anymore. i regret it now tho. i mean i would LOVE to have been a YouTuber...
The Pope: i'm not in a coma. i just had to peel MY ENTIRE SKIN away from and off my body in one big dried flaky sandpaper peel that started when i started scratching the back of my itching ear. now i'm not twitching during Mass. it's cool for the Pope to get a new skin like that. during my hospital stay all the nurses both male and female were in white which was really boring. i fell for the short-order cook at the Vatican. why do all women fall for short-order cooks? easy, because we FINALLY don't have to do ALL the cooking round here!!! NO MORE WAFER STEAKS!!! i want bear meat!!! and it gives us women an excuse to eat all the greasy food we want without sinning. and FX's The Bear is a good show...
Rasputitsa: tits are in the name deliberately. Rasputin, who's right now flashing the sign of the horns, wants us to play metal music loud to melt the ice...
Eye Luggage: what were we talking about again?
Yamamoto from Bleach: DAVID LYNCH STOLE MY POWER!!!!! he stole my fullscreen fire power to make Wild at Heart...
Eye: Benny & Joon and go.
Laertus: okay THE HOUSE. right? THAT HOUSE is the STAR of this movie!!! that house is the BEST CHARACTER in this movie!!!
Dirg: yeah. sorry ladies, sorry to burst your bubbles, but it's not Johnny Depp, it's the house.
Laertus: i mean that is the most GORGEOUS house i've ever seen!!!
Speckle from Tuca & Bertie: i know, right?
Laertus: it shimmers. it shines. it's a cantilever mansion of PURE GLASS WINDOWS which open out onto the whooshing meditative gurgle of the babbling brook that is the Tacoma River. Spokane is special.
Kurt Cobain: Spokane is Seattle but woodsier.
Laertus: this mansion is a glass house that no stones will be thrown into because it's a delicate masterpiece of a flower with glass petals that no one wants to see shattered. it's the ultimate ARTIST COLONY house. full of palettes and paints and hanging hippie crystals and rocks crashing waves against the shoreline in case you can't take it anymore.
Bjork: ...
Bjork: i mean the cliffs are just cute small pebbles like me...
Bjork: cool mini stream of water down the cliff the house is on that flows into the Pacific Sea. cool tiny tributary that trickles down, i built a very small waterslide under the stream that works cos i like my world of tiny things...
Aidan Quinn: look at me. look at my face. look at my eyes. how am i not a British actor?
Hartwin: this film actually shows what schizophrenia is like pretty well. it CAN be fun cos there are no limits on you anymore, no restraints, you're free to roam for eternity inside your head. that really ADDS to your art. artistic freedom, as in the freedom to do CRAZY good art. of course none of the BAD stuff is shown here...
Johnny Depp: my girlfriend Winona Ryder was SUPPOSED to play Joon. imagine how that would have gone, Winona would have been good in it but it would have LOOKED completely different. it'd be a different movie cos we'd be gaslighting each other and fighting on set all the time so the dialogue would have been more realistic and true-to-life spilling out from our real lives.
Winona Ryder: there would have been no bloopers, we would have USED our real filmed knock-down drag-out fights in the film. i broke up with you so i reneged on my contract and didn't do this movie. but i kept all the clothes from this movie which were strewn all over the floor of my trailer...
Greykid: um, cats don't hide in trees like Johnny Depp does in this movie.........only crazy people hide in trees.
Mary Stuart Masterson: my name sounds like i'm a painter, so this was perfect for me. Joon is such a great hippie name. nothing beats the Northwest artist scene. but why was this called Benny & Joon instead of Joon & Sam?...
Roger Ebert: apparently this takes place sometime in the 1950s. or maybe the 1960s? but it's never specified. could be the '70s. or the '80s. it came out in the '90s.
The Proclaimers: nice train. nice bridge. yeah so the ENTIRE PURPOSE of this movie was to make "I Would Walk 500 Miles" a hit in American bars. a song about walking on the railroad...
Joon: i'm mentally ill because our parents died. how did they die?
Benny: in a flashback in the rain. car accident of some sort? did people drive cars in 1900?
Laertus: A POKER GAME?!!! come on. a POKER GAME?!!! you lose the bet and have to take in a stranger into your house because of a POKER GAME?!! THAT's the plot point?!!!
Johnny: it shoulda been found out later that i killed Joon's parents with a card trick gone bad in the car. but to be fair not all men who dress like Buster Keaton are serial killers. some are just whimsical.
Lynette Walden: WHY AM I NOT MORE FAMOUS?!!!!!!!!!
Oliver Platt: you're STUPID to let that babe go!!!
Benny: what can i do? i have to care for my sister who will be sick forever.
Oliver Platt: everyone thinks i'm Doc Ock...
Lynette Walden: i really wanted to fuck Aidan Quinn in a garage.........can i still do the Pepsi Super Bowl commercial at the dusty truck stop?
Cindy Crawford: ...
William H. Macy in the garage: something's wrong with my car, it's not a snowmobile. can you rub this mustache off my face with gasoline?...
Benny: it's hard playing the straight man. like that golden-hour shot at our house? hostel in America, get it?
Laertus: hey what's with the TEXAS patch on the mechanics' shirts? this is Seattle, damnit!!! cool Seattle!!!
Eye: they gotta sell this movie nationwide.
Joon: here's my card, this gives me access to pretend i'm a bird and flap my wings on top of this classic car's hood.
psychiatric hospital ward worker: that's a station wagon, this is the suburbs. what do you have exactly? what do you suffer from?
Joon: the producers said i can't say. something sinister. i hear voices. i hate taking the bus.
psychiatric hospital ward worker: you're a student at the local university, got it. just don't get on top of my van...
Joon: don't let me win or lose at ping-pong just cos i'm nuts.
Benny: hey you want this family to turn into The Squid and the Whale?...
Joon: it's time for me to take a bath. i can take my own baths. but this radio is precariously taped to the slippery bathroom-tile wall JUST above the bathtub. with the electric cord HOVERING over the bathwater. i mean it's a cool idea to get tunes into the bathroom but...
at the diner.
Johnny: okay i prepped for this. i watched EVERY Buster Keaton black-and-white movie. i stole Harry Anderson's hat from the Night Court set. my jacket potatoes uh baked potatoes are also my shoes. i dance with forks. and scissors, wink wink.
Ed from the band Live: i feel i should be singing our song "Waitress" in the background here behind the counter. and whistling. and that Beck and Eddie Vedder need to be making cameos here as diner customers.
Julianne Moore: as Ruthie the waitress here.........i'm cute. just cute. i CAN be sexy but in this i'm just cute.
the car in the rain.
Takahashi: THAT'S A COOL CAR!!! THAT LONG BLACK SLEEK STATIONWAGON BATMOBILE HYBRID CAR!!!
Julianne Moore: hahahahahahah. heheheheh. that was funny, that was a funny joke.
Benny: yeah.
Julianne: what was the joke?
Benny: no idea. nobody knows. it's not in the script.
Julianne Moore: wanna come upstairs to my apartment and fuck?
Benny: no. i just want a beer. i mean unless we fuck only in the living room.
at the cliff crag cove below the house, Benny is skipping stones like he's a schoolboy. and fishing with his skinny pole.
Benny: so why did you leave Hollywood?
Ruthie: i wasn't a good enough actress.
Benny: are you speaking as Ruthie or Julianne Moore?...
Laertus: this is the MOST ROMANTIC spot for a sex scene EVER. i mean there is nothing more lovely than making love on a ratty artist couch that overlooks a wall of 6 open glass bay windows overlooking the rushing Tacoma River reflecting the moonlight below. the sounds of gurgling sex between two eccentrics. and gurgling river bubbles. imagine the smell of the wind wafting out of that room. i would have jumped in and dipped my body into that river after the sex!!!
Eye: *blushes*
Johnny Depp holds up a HELP WANTED sign.
Johnny Depp: HELP NEEDED in my case. oh, i thought this was gonna be a Blockbuster. but, okay, anyway, fine, i'll still do it. i'll still work here.
manager: cool. you'll be working in the Horror section. right? if we're following the script of this movie.
Johnny: oh. i thought i'd be in the Silent Films section. *sigh*
Benny: i just need some alone time at this park full of a ton of green grass which is a recognizable local-landmark iconic place. it's a famous park.
Aidan: i'm meditating.........why is EVERYONE in this movie wearing blue jeans and a red plaid shirt?...
director: all the extras are lumberjacks. hey Aidan, move out of frame of the camera, yeah, we'll blur your silhouette, we'll bokeh your face, we just want to get that MASSIVE footage of that lake with the geese on it...
Benny: GET THE FUCK OUT!!! i take you into my home and you have your way with my sister?!!! i have NO SOCIAL LIFE because of my sister!!!
Sam: yes, fuck, that's what we did, we fucked. but we fucked in. and i wore my Buster Keaton hat throughout the whole thing. thank you for being cool with it.
Benny: no, get the fuck OUT OF MY BEAUTIFUL HOUSE. SEE THIS BROCHURE?!!! i'm sending you away to a funny farm, Joon!!! you're never gonna see a breathing soul from the outside world AGAIN!!!
local band Queensryche: you'll be like our song "Out of Mind"...
Joon: I HATE YOU!!! I FUCKING HATE YOU!!! these are REAL TEARS, Academy, jus sayin...
Laertus: from now on, whenever i'm in an argument, whenever i'm fighting with my lover, i'll offer to go out and get her some pudding.
Eye: ...
Joon: OH GOD I CAN'T STAY ON THIS BUS I'M HAVING A PANIC ATTACK!!!
Sam: calm down, it's okay, don't worry, it's not a Greyhound bus...
Joon: don't let us be The Graduate ending!!!
Dan Hedaya: i'm enjoying this break-in concept you two are on at this psychiatric hospital, everyone around here is enjoying the routine you two are doing, very Looney Tunes, but uh i'm afraid i can't help you, i'd lose my job as a paramedic and i only look good in white. hey look at my forehead, don't i look like someone who yells "HEY!!!" all the time? why wasn't i in the Rob Zombie Munsters movie?
Sam: you're scared...
Benny: i know, i'll never have YOUR career, Johhny Depp.
Sam: ...of letting Joon go.
Joon: i had to learn my lines the day AFTER shooting began...
Laertus: that FAMOUS SLIDE Johnny Depp does on the hospital linoleum, THAT scene is used at EVERY Oscars to start the introductory presentation at the top of the telecast narrated by Tom Cruise...
C.C.H. Pounder: i OBJECT to my whole character here. she CAN'T be this dumb. all she had to do was LOOK OUT THE WINDOW and this entire movie doesn't exist!!! i am the most competent professional of all time, i'm AMANDA FUCKING WALLER for fuck sake!!!
Johnny Depp: i'm swinging like Miley Cyrus.........swinging on a rope like Miley Cyrus.........nobody will get that reference yet...
Joon: i'd like to live in my own apartment.
C.C.H. Pounder: how will you afford an apartment?
Joon: i got a few ideas. which is a good thing cos my partner here will have his career end over a scandal...
Joon: see that? Captain Crunch smoothies and grilled cheese sandwiches made by pressing the two slices of bread and one slice of cheese together with the steam from a clothing iron. see those beautiful black grill marks from the clothing iron!!!
Winona Ryder: ...
McDonald's: Joon, we got a deal!!! *McDonald's handshakes Joon* the deal is INKED!!! we're gonna add the Captain Crunch McSmoothie and the McIron to our new menu...
Benny: my life isn't complicated anymore.
Julianne Moore: i'm so proud of you for getting off Facebook...
Joon: i was supposed to burn the house down in the original ending, leaving the clothing iron on.........but fuck no, right? this house is too BEAUTIFUL to destroy!!! i saw Aidan Quinn again 30 years later at the Oscars and punched him in the street just to see if i still had it...
Roger Ebert: the word schizophrenia is never mentioned once in the script, never spoken in the dialogue.........because this is the '90s where everything is colorful and bright and WHIMSICAL!!!
Kurt Cobain: ...
Berwin: listen, sis, i need to hug you right now. you see it was my lifelong ravenous jealousy of you THAT COST A LIFE.
MBC: what do you mean?
Berwin: *stammering and stuttering* uh.........i mean MY life.........you know, like my life was ruined from all the jealousy.
MBC: you're ravenous? you need to add more salt to your food. okay, but HUG MY BUTT, i still need to get at this yoga.
MBC: well THAT was an eventful downward dog. you made my butt cold with your cold hands.
Berwin: some would say icy hands...
MBC: it's gonna be okay, bro. things are gonna work out. you just gotta stick with me. i need you on my team, bro. we shouldn't be fighting, we shouldn't be competing, we should be united. in the long run, what's better, legacy or protection?
Berwin farts.
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