Berwin: Alarm Bill died a hero.........the ice boulder was gonna slide off the cliff and come down on all those poor Davos people below. at the last moment Alarm Bill threw his body in front of the boulder to slow it down some, to melt it a little. he sacrificed his body, literally. he exploded when the ball exploded.
MBC: if you say so, bro. i mean that does sound like Alarm Bill. we have to arrange his funeral now.
Berwin: i've noticed a lot of raves going on down here at night. i can see the purple lights at all hours of the early morning. are you thinking what i'm thinking?
MBC: yeah. i mean this is what Alarm Bill would have wanted. he wouldn't want us to be sad about his passing and stall our gobal plans to help heal Earth. he would want us to forge ahead in his name. it's just the opposite, he would want us to DANCE at his funeral!!! not his grave but his funeral. a rave but a funeral.
Berwin: yeah i mean the rave BECOMES his funeral, you know? we celebrate him that way. okay i don't know about you but i'm ready to PARTY. i want to IMMEDIATELY start getting drunk and dancing weird nonsensical dances in formation involving a lot of angled elbows. i want to IMMEDIATELY start getting wasted drinking this concoction i made here for me of all my pink-salt extract juice that leaked out of my system, that'll get me messed up QUICK. i won't know my name in five minutes. but i still love our name, sis.
MBC: i'm doing a Mary Tyler Moore chuckle. i mean Alarm Bill is such a RIDICULOUS name, the wake for him is gonna be HILARIOUS.
Gladyce: ironically, the only thing i DON'T recycle is the Keurig K-cup. it's too complicated, too busy. you have to dump the grounds in the trash recycling ONLY the K-cup left on the cup stand by piercing a perfect tiny hole into it!!!
Doryce: i know all about tiny holes.
mug tree sitting on the lieutenant's desk at the police station: ...
Blippi: hey let's bring back the Harlem Shake!!! i'm a total and complete LazyTown ripoff.
Reeth wreath: not till Christmas, i promise. Happy Christmas.
Michael Weiss: the perfect Instagram comment for any occasion: "stunning".
on the set of the Sam & Cat reboot.
Jennette McCurdy: why does my name sound like whipped custard? that was the last straw.
Ariana Grande: curd?
Jennette: no, Tom Hanks. Tom Hanks is my FAVORITE celebrity of all time bar none.
Ariana: that's my favorite chocolate candy bar, i'm sponsored by Hershey's.
Jennette: my ONLY showbiz dream, not my mother's dream, has been to play pinochle with Tom Hanks.
Ariana: i don't think Tom Hanks likes me.
Jennette: Tom Hanks likes EVERYBODY.
Ariana: and then after the party in the ravine i go to the unlit parking lot by the tennis courts to find my car another victim of the Kia Boyz Challenge.
Jennette: i never thought I of all people would become a Disney Adult...
Viva paper towel: it's not a paper towel, it's a cloth towel.
Doryce: Viva feels so soft against my face and bum.
Gadget's Go Coaster: we REAL skimpy around these parts here at Disneyland, you only get to go around this kiddie roller-coaster ONCE.
Eye Luggage: the cat familiars jump at the ajar door even if there's no mini plastic blue trash can blocking the door. i feel bad that the cats have to experience this false memory but it's the sun's fault for being so hot i have to open the bedroom window and keep that wind from slamming the door!!!
Mardith: goth problems, i feel ya.
Republicans: you can only get your insulin in sugar-cube form.
Bjork: that's not ice all over my country.........that's insulin. why wasn't I the first female president of Iceland?
Pat: why do high school lockers have vents?
high school locker: it's not to air out your stanky socks. your cream-covered shorts. it's to give nerds like you breathing holes when the frat guys stuff you in there.
Pat: my high school didn't have bullies, it had frat guys. it's a good thing i'm getting the fuck out of here and will never visit here again as i'm Princeton-bound...
Genesis: i can be a man's name.
Disneyland: don't worry, everything is recorded beforehand...
fingus: finger fungus
China: we don't want the moon, we want TAIWAN!!!!!!!!!!
Uncle Sigh the horse: Golden Gate Fields, the only place to stud...
palisade church: Moral Orel
Test Track at Epcot: okay, whoever came up with this ride is a GENIUS.
Takahashi: i know, right?
Jasmine Becket-Griffith in the massage waiting room: i have silver eyes...
Jennette McCurdy: do you believe in God?
Miranda Cosgrove: Dan Schneider? that's a loaded question...
London Beach Club: the Thames has become Noah's Flood, we can only sand on a roof.
Kyrgios: it's Hot Kyrgios Summer.
Julian Gaskins: i'm KSBW's Rege-Jean Page.
Doryce: look at the size of these eggs!!!
Gladyce: they're the size of one gumball.
Doryce: they're not AA, they're SINGLE A!!!
Laertus: Dirg, i knitted you a homemade mask for monkeypox. it's knitted out of wool not a paper mask bought at a CVS so you cannot refuse it, it's a heartfelt gift from a friend.
Dirg: come on, dude.
Laertus: but it's in your favorite color: GUNMETAL!!!
Mardith rings for help.
Mardith: hello? is this the hotline?
Tatiana Perez Molina: yes. you know where the place is?
Mardith: yes, you gave me perfect directions.
Tatiana: it's impossible to find, it's a little farmhouse on top of a giant big Swiss chalet dinette. you'll miss it the first time, the metal naked lady logo is on the window facing the sun. climb on top of the wooden windmill to scout out your location. but be careful, that windmill has a mind of its own!!! it'll start turning without you knowing.
Cory from Real World: San Francisco: i'll just be over here at the Shearwater Tavern in Carmel waiting for you to finish on her.
Peter Jackson is waiting in the waiting room to Tatiana's Massage Therapy reading a LIFE Magazine.
Peter Jackson: my body is only able to take in hypnotherapy, to receive the help, if it's COMPLETELY submerged in water. i have to be in one of those isolation tanks. i have to be at the bottom of the ocean as a whale sleeping.
Tatiana emerges from the glass door. she speaks in a very CALM voice like she smokes cannabis all day. she wears a nose necklace and gold circle cymbal chimes for earrings.
Tatiana: Mardith? what a lovely name. namaste. did you have trouble finding the place?
Mardith: yes.
Tatiana: come on in.
Mardith: you have an AMAZING naked body.
Tatiana: it's not naked, it's sheer.
Mardith: right. i haven't been in the Hollywood loop lately. i've been troubled.
Tatiana: what seems to be the trouble?
Mardith: i shoplift. it's a compulsion, a sick habit, i have to steal, i NEED to steal.
Tatiana: i get it. it's not fun unless you steal, it's not a good time unless you steal. Winona Ryder in The Upside Down. you gotta shift your addiction.
Mardith: nice place you got here. i can feel the good vibes, the hazy wavy purple stink lines of spirituality running up and down this place. the soft clamor of chimes everywhere. the bottom light.
Tatiana: that thing in the middle of the room can be a bed OR a spa.
Mardith: it's like the back room of my mom-in-spirit's LUSH shoppe. you know this is all Jane's Addiction's fault, their song "Been Caught Stealing" is a crazily EBULLIENT JOYOUS AND JOYFUL song about the virtues of shoplifting!!!
Tatiana: don't worry, i'm not Perez Hilton. yeah, that song was an ode to obstruction. i can either place 6 hot rocks along your backbone or spread mole sauce on your back.
Mardith: make that six sex stones.
Tatiana: because you're very special and very special TO ME, i'm gonna do something i NEVER do with any of my other clients: i'm gonna turn on the jacuzzi TO COLD.
Mardith: cold jacuzzi, that's Heaven not Hell, that's the best of both worlds, it's cold but it has bubbles.
Tatiana: see? you're healing already. just like i healed Violetta Laze. you see how your obsession with shoplifting was really an obsession with clothes. but now that you're completely naked in front of me you see that you DON'T NEED CLOTHES AT ALL!!!
Mardith: taken?
Tatiana: yeah.
Mardith: we can still date tho, right?
Tatiana: sure.
Mardith: i don't have to come in for another appointment, right? i hate that second appointment.
Tatiana: no. this has carried over after work.
Mardith: what's the address here so i can scribble it down.
Tatiana: you know where The Gambia is on the map?
Mardith: in the world, yes.
Tatiana: the address here is The Gambia, 1600 Personal Assistant Ave, Apt #11.
Eye Luggage: what were we talking about again?
Billie Jean from The Legend of Billie Jean: you had no idea i was an AYSO high school soccer star on scholarship to Stanford did you...
Eye: Wild at Heart and go.
Nic Cage goes on a blind date with a very special director to audition for the part at the Musso & Frank Grill.
Nic: George Michael?
David Lynch: no it's me, David Lynch.
Nic: see this snakeskin jacket i'm wearing? it's a symbol of my individual freedom in a world of cages, i am the only cage, the Nic Cage.
David Lynch: that's good, i'm using that. that fits PERFECTLY into what i'm trying to do here with this film. other movies would never do that, they'd leave it to USC film students to decipher the symbolism, but i SPELL OUT EXPLICITLY in the dialogue what the SYMBOLISM of the jacket is.
Greykid: that's fake snake, right?
David: this is the oldest bar in Los Angeles.
Nic: where's Musso? where's Frank?
David: Frank shot up Musso in cold blood with a pistol in this same booth we're sitting in now because Frank was jealous of Musso's moussed hair. Vidal Sassoon VO5.
Laura Dern: you're lucky i didn't turn this down to play what would have been THE life-altering role for me in my career: Joon in Benny & Joon.
Diane Ladd: that's my real face, i didn't get a facelift. i mean this is crazy, right? what other mother has ever acted alongside her daughter in such a lurid tawdry movie as this? did Sharon Stone's mom act with Sharon Stone in Basic Instinct?...
Nic: Sailor Ripley. i'm Rhett Butler's son. i'm the guy in the gondolier in that Gucci perfume commercial.
Rubikon: why does a black man get killed at the start of every movie?
Nic: and we were all enjoying a nice play at the theatre until you came along and i HAD to punch you to death. with my knuckles, there aren't even any rings on my fingers. this isn't considered disgusting violence because i'm a genteel Southern outlaw, i'm polite, i'm a gentleman thief. i'm a refined reformed white man who wears a jacket and combs his hair.
Diane Ladd: all you had to do was fuck me and this movie wouldn't exist. now do you want me to write my phone number on this here bathroom stall?
Nic: you want me to fuck you in this bathroom stall? it's uncomfortable for me cos your daughter Laura Dern is watching us right now rehearsing this scene.
Laura: be gentle, these are my first sex scenes on film.
Nic: that is HEAVY. sorry, darling, i can't help you with that one.
David: you should see the deleted scenes. anal sex. Nic Cage anal sex.
Nic: in me.
Lula: i was raped when i was 11 by my weird uncle who ate cookies in our kitchen all day.
Sailor: of course you were or you wouldn't be here with me right now.
Lula: you like salsa? the sauce, not the dance.
Eye: STAB IT AND STEER, line of the film!!!!!
Tyzik: whoa, speed metal, that's weird for a David Lynch film, where's the David Lynch menacing piano and '50s dread and Hollywood soundtrack music and sounds?
David: you gotta admit, Badalamenti SHOOKS the audience every time he lets loose on one of those FUCKING LOUD SOUND EFFECTS of falling metal spoons on your eardrums to punctuate a bad scene uh a scene of bad.
Dirg: i gotta say Diane Ladd is a VERY sexy older woman, very alluring as she casts a spell on me with her witch woman wiles. i would commit murder for her. i would do murder for this milf.
hitman: bullet through the forehead ends a life the best, tons of brain damage.
Diane Ladd: where did i go wrong on the path of life that landed me right here right now having THIS conversation with YOU?
Dirg: whenever you see a longtable, the Illuminati are eating off it.
Grace Zabriskie: i'm just here to give every David Lynch movie a fright with my creepy eyes.
Koko Taylor: Zanzibar? of course Zanzibar. there's always a lounge singer in a David Lynch film...
Nic: a guidance counselor said i'd be a screwup my whole life.
Lula: guidance counselors aren't massage therapists i mean psychiatrists.
Nic: it's a good thing the juvenile delinquent detention court judge was my dad who directed The Godfather...
Lula: ozone will burn up this world before our son can enjoy this planet.
Sailor: yeah but we'll be in flying cars carpooling George Jetson by then. they'll fix the Layer by like 2020, right?
Lula: i want all the holes to be in me, not the Earth.
Dirg: it's not all honey and roses out there in California...
Philip Morris: i love the theme of CIGARETTES throughout this masterpiece of a film. we get all the brands of cigarettes, the soft filters and the hard filters, how smoking interplays and interconnects into and is weaved with every beautiful life, every moment of our lives.
Laertus: nice try, buddy.
Willem Dafoe: sorry, i know i'm supposed to be menacing here but my face is just ridiculous to look at, my goofy grin is too toothy teethy. all the gold in Peru is in my mouth. i'm an adult who still wears braces who playacts for a living. i'm still Willem Dafoe underneath all this makeup. you know if the Panama Canal didn't exist the world would explode...
Diane Ladd: i'm supposed to be from Georgia, right? don't worry, this isn't blood all over my face, it's my red lipstick. i'm trying out for the part in an early version of Braveheart entitled The Predator vs. Game of Thrones.
David Bowie: see this highway in the lost dark? remind you of anything? of anyone?...
Sherilyn Fenn: my part in this SUCKS.
Laura: why do i keep seeing the Wicked Witch of the West from Wizard of Oz? is it a bad omen? is it SYMBOLISM? it means this entire movie is not real, it's just a fable fairy tale, right?
Margaret Hamilton: no it means Sesame Street shoulda NEVER canned my episode!!!
Laertus: okay i admit i actually physically Laughed Out Loud when i saw that welcome sign to the city:
you are now entering: FUCK YOU, population: 1
that was hilarious.
Nic: not exactly a warm inviting Western town is it. why are we even here? Big Tuna?
Isabella Rossellini: no Jessica Simpson here, only that Nick guy. i guess i'm supposed to have some sort of Southern accent but man does my thick Italian voice get in the way...
Isabella Rossellini: i mean we had to have fucked at some point, right?
David Lynch: yeah.
Isabella Rossellini: i did have a heartfelt scene, though. when you know you're never gonna be with the man you want, it sucks. and you lash out.
Dirg: that's the man. that's the man in charge, you know cos he has two naked women serving him hair brushes, ham on sticks, and shot glasses of vodka on trays, one on each side of him. he's the bigshot. the head honcho.
Willem Dafoe: am i menacing enough for you?
Laura: yes. this is my first rape scene.
Willem: don't you worry your pretty little head, sweet-tits, i ain't gonna do nothing to yous, just give you a fright and a false memory. i just want you to say i'm an attractive man.
Laura: not with those dinosaur teeth.
Lula: I CAN'T SAY IT OUT LOUD!!!
Lula: I CAN'T SAY IT OUT LOUD!!!
Sailor: write it on a piece of paper to wish it away.
Lula: i'm pregnant. don't worry, it's yours. i've only had sloppy sex with you.
Sailor: i'm gonna be a good daddy.
Lula: it'll be easier cos the kid is cute.
David: that horse clock radio tho. right? everyone keeps asking me about the horse clock radio...
Homer: not as cool as the Ancient Greek water clock...
Uncle Sigh the horse: take it from me, this last heist is not worth it, the feed they serve there is PUTRID oats and honey.
Willem Dafoe: i have to intercede here, my character is DUMB AS FUCK. my character's got rocks in his head and in his mouth. all he had to do was NOT SHOOT the friggin' clerk and they would have gotten away with it!!!!!
Willem: wait, hold on, WAIT till i get out of the frame of the shot before you shoot, shoot the scene. i wanna make sure it's absolutely clear that this BALLOON is taking the place of my head as my real head explodes.
Willem: how are we able to get away with this?
David: it's 1990, count your blessings. the goal posts have been moving this whole time...
Quentin Tarantino: ...
Eye: okay the stuff with the kid is FANTASTIC.
Laertus: i know, right?
Eye: it's because the kid is absolutely ADORABLE.
Laura Dern: i'm throwing water over your photograph like you're a witch who's gonna burn upon contact with water, mama.
Diane Ladd: it's okay, dear, you're just acting.
Laura Dern: look at me naked, mom, i'm not a boy anymore, i've developed. you kept calling me lad my whole childhood.
Diane Ladd: i should play Dianne Feinstein. Laura Ladd, do you want a ride in the powder-blue Dodge Charger back to your bedroom? your childhood bedroom?
Nic: son, remember this fable i'm about to tell you, it's the only parable you'll have of me as i will leave you and your mother in the dust.
little boy: is this the one with the unleavened bread? leave. i've heard it before, just leave.
Nic: yes. the one with the bar milk and the bread. son, always remember: never be too much of a man to ask for directions when you're lost...
Sheryl Lee: i'm Glinda the Lukewarm Witch. you're on shrooms right now, Nic Cage. those beautiful red-and-white-polka-dot Rafflesia mushrooms that resemble the Smurf toadstools. even still, you should never give up on love. love is the ONLY thing that matters in life. NEVER REJECT LOVE.
Nic: i'm sorry for calling you Los Angelino gang members fags. speaking of fags, do you want this used cigarette i've been smoking in my saliva mouth?
Laertus: i have to admit, this ending made me CRY. it's a BEAUTIFUL ENDING, when he gets up on all the roofs of the train of cars and sings just to the face of Lula, gets me misty. two people, two outlaws finding each other in this world and promising their troth to each other in slow song and hood ballet.
Takahashi: cars need love, too.
Laertus: it's because "Love Me Tender" is such a tender song. misty music. Elvis singing sweetly about forever.
Dirg: yeah but Nic Cage's big nose here just ruins the mood, spoils the sweet, it makes the whole thing corny.
Tatiana: ...
David Lynch: can you find love in Hell? yes. but not if you're criminally messed-up in the head like Nic Cage...
at Cannes.
Roger Ebert: BOO!!! BOO!!! BOO!!! BOO!!! BOO!!! this movie SUCKED!!! YOU RUINED THE BOOK FOR ME!!!
David Lynch: SHUT UP, LARDASS!!!
Roger Ebert: look at the poster for this, it looks so cheap, it looks like the poster for a Cinemax flick, for Poison Ivy or something. 300 people walking out can't be wrong.
at the Davos raves. celebrating life. because almost dying.
MBC: i hope everyone is having a good time at the funeral.
MBC: you know, Alarm Bill had a silly name, but he was a solid person. he was the CONNECTOR of all the connections around the world. we got the right people in touch with the right people to make stuff happen, that is, the left people. he was the engine and we'll all miss him, most of all me. i don't want to go on but my heart will go on. you know i had NO FRIENDS before i joined this organization.........isn't that what all gangs are? now go DANCE, EVERYBODY!!!
MBC, who secretly implanted a grass floor superimposed on the dance floor before the rave, now checks her progress. all the ravers dance the night away which makes perfect indentations in the soil to plant as many exotic seeds as possible. and soon the special grass and special fruit flowers and special epical fish plants are growing and blossoming.
MBC: see that? it's called polyculture. of plants AND people. the two crops in the same area like our marriage, Benoit. an American expat and a Frenchy.
Benoit who's wearing a necklace of SweeTARTS around his neck smiles at MBC through the rave noise.
MBC: thank you. Alarm Bill stood for something. in this place, in this organization, we live in the realm where the dream becomes reality. a flight of fancy made flesh. this is about working that sliver of stretchy rubber-band muscle in your third eye. this ain't pills and tushie cream, folks!!!
Berwin is blitzed out of his mind. he is high and drunk off his ass as he dances with the other ravers on the pixelated purple dancefloor. he offers them something by pulling it out of his pocket...
ravers: ew.
Berwin: it's a big fish. a nice smooth blue salmon. shiny.
ravers: we can't see the shine through the rave lights.
Berwin: smoked salmon?
ravers: stoked salmon? rave smoke?
Berwin: completely coat this salmon with JUST my pink sea salt from the Himalayas, you don't need any HEAT to cook it, the salt will do all the work. perfect barbecue every time.
ravers: there's enough body heat in here to cook a cake. did you know the cavemen first made fire with green glowsticks?
Jack Nicholson is naked walking around a sandy beach on the French Riviera.
Jack Nicholson: oh come on. i thought the white-picket-fence Deauville plank was special onto me, that there was only ONE plank with my name on it. whatever. i mean even Armie Hammer's plank is here and still up. g'night folks.
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