MBC: is everyone ready for the big celebration?!!! i am EXCITED.
MBC wears a Vinok, a traditional Ukrainian headdress overflowing with crystalline spikes and golden and blueberry flowers of every seed for support.
MBC: for the Ukrainian people. this headdress weighs more than my child or my cat...
Greykid stares at her with his cateyes...
MBC: i mean my cat or my child. but it's a symbol for the weight that country is carrying for the rest of us, for the rest of the world, so the world can continue and survive. plus, it's the perfect thing to wear as you're chugging down vino. BRING ON THE WINE WATERFALL!!!
the waterfall is wheeled out to the center of the long winding longtable in the middle of the forest. which is not an easy feat. there are 4000 placemarkers and seats served along this long and winding table that stretches forever and never ends.
MBC: i'm glad EVERYONE IS HERE. and i do mean everyone. everybody from the company made it out so this is gonna be a fucking COMMUNAL experience. eat, drink, be merry, and fuck in the forest, for tomorrow we LIVE to make the planet a better place for all.
Benoit sits beside his queen at the head of the sneaky snakey table.
Benoit: i'm like one of those vice-kings. but i've changed my ways i swear. i like this position, i have no responsibilities.
MBC: except for taking care of the children.
Benoit: our children. on it.
Benoit carries Greykid the cat in the baby-holder made of soft felt and four straps all carried around Benoit's muscular arms with glue and tape.
Greykid bemusingly stares at Benoit's wide-eyed face.
Greykid: i'm innocent. i like my new ride, it's a cat carry-all. look, it's the perfect size!!! it's got two holes for my legs!!!
Baby Lightray: how do you know which paws are your legs and which are your arms?
Baby Lightray: hey where's my steak tartare? I DON'T EAT BABY FOOD!!!
MBC: it's there. you're Plate #3456, i did that on purpose so i would remember the number.
Baby Lightray: how do i get to it? crawling on this table will be tough with all the people.
MBC: just follow the forest. follow each wood candelabra as a placemarker.
Baby Lightray: a wooden candelabra, genius. yes but.........the candelabras look EXACTLY like the trees!!!
water jellyfish from Naruto: tit tape. boob tape.
The Quail: ironically, no expensive roasted meat with orange bigarade sauce, just fancy motorcycles.
Tom Hanks: ...
Tom Hanks: and bitter orange. both meanings.
Concours d'Lemons: where The Munsters found their coffin car...
Lemongrab: .........for once i am silent.........
1938 Mercedes-Benz black lacquer-sheen 540K courier: Mercury's car.........Hermes's hatchback.
Batman: ...
Melbourne: *deeply sighs internally* Carmel Car Week makes me miss cars again. not ordinary flying cars, those impossibly gorgeous sheeny shiny sports cars that look like real-life Transformers toys.
David Hasselhoff: it's just a shame i'm not into cars...
David Hasselhoff: yeah when the car's engine trips like that, don't worry, it's working...
Melbourne: when i see the parade route of these expensive cars along tree-lined Obec all revving their engines and showing off in front of all the forest people and forest fairies and wood nymphs and tree gnomes and green gnomes, i've never felt so disconnected from my hometown of Carmel.........and disconnected from my home country of Australia.
Queensryche: ...
Melbourne: i feel so left out.
Tallaght: well it is kinda like Twilight...
MRA: the Monterey Regional Airport, hug JFK on the orange-carpeted airport lounge...
HomeBound Homepoint: it's not a Disney movie in real life, cops have to pay eventually...
Pump Up The Volume: notice how the FCC van is orange...
Danny Wylde: there seems to be a direct pipeline from porn to MMA.........and from MMA to porn.
Mardith at the table: the universe can tell the difference between a joke and a manifest, right? just checking for reference later, i'm preparing my morning mantras now...
Mardith's date Tatiana at the table: pretty sure...
SRF: it's not a sunscreen.........in fact it's the opposite, let the sun IN!!!
Billy Wilder: it's the greatest house i spot as i drive along Sunset Blvd....
Paramahansa Yogananda: the greatest grove is the one you cannot see from the road...
Tiger Woods: TMRW, short for tomorrow, that's a brilliant name for our new company. Tiger McIlroy Rory Woods. i came up with that.
Rory McIlroy: no, best friend, i did. i'm the one with the better short game...
Tiger: well you are shorter than me...
Quinta Brunson: i am the ONLY BuzzFeed success story THERE EVER WAS...
there are bugs in the woods.
blind mosquito: it's not my fault if i bite and feed on you...
blind fly: i'm flying blind...
Dennis the Menace copper statue at Dennis The Menace park: look, Seaside just isn't the place for me to live, okay? so i ran away...
gangs: gangs can pull off harmless practical jokes, too. not everything has to be serious and violent all the time...
clover nipple clamps: not found in Lucky Charms cereal
Maria LaRosa at the party: tropical rain ain't regular rain, man.........we're talking a thunderstorm in 95-degree weather. the only good part of Florida.
Dirg at the gathering is being swallowed up by his anxiety.
Dirg: this sucks, i need socks. i will NOT go back to Macy's on a busy Saturday afternoon and do that whole thing again...
Angelique Kerber at the table: who the baby daddy? Maury.
CiCi Bellis at the table: i married Tom Brady...
Wario: nothing was working for me. i thought the only place i could get rehabilitated was France so i went over there and rode a few go-karts in the dirt. i saw Layne Staley tag-teaming it with Kurt Cobain in the passenger seat as they rode one dune buggy together, they looked so cute together strapped in next to each other all four hands on the one wheel like they were one person. anyway, it didn't work. i think the dirt track needs some ramps with coil springs or something. i am SO OLD now i forgot which one was the bad one, the blue shell or the red shell.
Neo from The Matrix: i'm older than you, Wario.........and i forgot as well which color was which which is why the world is so fucked up now.
The Penguin: i was so depressed working for the Bump Administration, so i dug myself a hole, a real hole not a proverbial one, from the Cream House through an underground tunnel that took me right to Smurf Village here so i could experience some magic in life again. i had my favorite copy of Alice In Wonderland with me for the journey, some light reading in a green hardcover. nothing could shake me from my stupor, not even Morgan Freeman narrating my life...
Eye Luggage at the longtable with the bros and all the other table guests: Fantastic Planet and go.........not the progressive-rock album...
John Cleese at the table: i mean this was TRIPPY AS FUCK!!! this was a fantastic film. because it expanded my mind by fucking with my sensory preceptors. like i couldn't concentrate on the plot because the animation here is creepy, heady, strange, freaky, wavy and BLUE. let me put on my coat of arms for this one as i say, "the French are freaks!!!"
French animators: is it not cool our freaky-deaky creepy brand of animation? doesn't it catch the eye? isn't it cool to have something that is NOT DISNEY ANIMATION?!!!!!!!!!! a different palette for the senses. which vibrates your palate.
John Cleese: LOOK OUT!!!!!!!!!! A GIANT BLUE MONTY PYTHON FOOT IS ABOVE YOU AND JUST STOMPED ON YOUR HEAD!!!!!!!!!!
Stefan Wul at the table: i was able to please both my parents by becoming a doctor while i did my ONLY love, art, on the side secretly. being a dental surgeon is boring. BUT, drilling holes into people's teeth all day made me start thinking about tunnels, made me start thinking about sci-fi plots...
Rene Laloux: how low can you go? keep watching AFTER the first rough ten minutes, i promise it gets better. it gets good. yeah we had a lot of leftover BLUE after the full-length feature-film 1970s Smurfs movie didn't pan out.........it was made but the studio didn't release it at the last minute.
Roland Topor: this movie roused me out of my torpor. i was torpid as fuck. i was sitting around all day sleeping on my kitchen countertop watching nothing but animated Ralph Bakshi porn. i decided to use that same animated Bakshi sensibility toward something edifying which would help the human race...
J Dilla at the table: the soundtrack is LIT. people praise me but really the underground indie hip-hop scene was started by two French DJs in the 1970s.........or was it two Czech DJS in the 1970s?...
Dirg: okay the beginning of this movie is FUCKED UP. i mean that poor naked mother and her naked child are SQUASHED by the blue giants, made to feel tiny, like they don't count, they're insignificant, inferior. they're bugs to be flicked off.
Greykid: yeah, now you know how it feels, bub.
Dirg: that's why i'm running as an anti-abortion candidate in Florida, to protect the life of the baby even if the mom dies...
Dr. Seuss: i just realized, the landscape of this planet Ygam is MY ART.........if i was on acid.........or was it the other way around? did i do acid to come up with my art in the first place...
Laertus: yeah i love this. it's creepy cos the movements of the people are creepy, by that i mean the movements of the arms and legs as they walk and run, the sinews, the limbs.
Eye: babe, the Oms are gonna need a revolutionary movement to break free...
Dirg: French socialism on the moon...
Codrus: see? meditation is the most important thing keeping the edges of the universe together.........without deep thinking 24/7, the fabric of the universe would tear apart.
Cotard: oh shush you, shush brother, this is not what is meant by a contemplative life. if those blue titan humanoids had THOUGHT HARDER, they would see that their entire existence is a moral lie.........and a lie in general, spoilers...
Traags: call us Traags, calling us Draags is such a drag.
Shikamaru wearing Ino's dress and chewing nicotine gum: ...
Traags Council: we cannot allow the vermin to run the asylum!!! we can't have rats killing people!!! we need to do some "population control" which is a nice word for war. this planet is a moon but ironically it is not made of cheese so we have no cheese for the Oms.
Traag Head on the screen: these Oms are FILTHY. all they do is SEX. we are so JEALOUS of them.
Master Sinh: i mean.........it's in the name. i'm on the Council so i know where the only tennis court on the planet is located secretly deep underground. child, you need to do your schooling, you need to do your lessons all day.
Dirg: yeah, fuck school. i wish i hadn't been brainwashed like the rest of you when i was a kid. i wish all i had to do was wear a CROWN to get all the information i ever needed.
Laertus: i mean weren't you homeschooled K-12 in, like, a week? didn't you tell me this, that's what your father did to you? so it's basically the same thing.
Lewis Carroll: i love the history of the Traags. all the people and places and locations and items and things and maths and rivers and mountains and concepts, it's just a bunch of nonsense words down the line in a string...
Tiwa: do you love me, Terr? don't you lobe me? don't you love my lobes? my ears are gills. i'm a fish creature yet ironically our planet is dirt, it's dry as a desert and has no water!!!
Terr: take this metal collar off my neck, i'm not into metal music. there's no metal music on the soundtrack...
Tiwa: i promise i won't make you a silver jack when i play with you like you were jacks with a little pink ball with my school friends.
Terr: some friends. your school friends aren't your REAL friends, they're your FORCED friends. stop putting me in Harlequin clothes, it's just too French. teach me everything you know.........i admire you that much. i look up to you...
Tiwa: here, take this, you can use my Walkman. all Walkmans here are defective, we bought them from RadioShack in the 1980s...
Terr: can i have some of your drugs?
Tiwa: oh my eyes aren't red from taking acid. we as a species can't fly.........spoilers.........because we meditate all day we can only take red-eye flights at night. we can't afford to buy airplanes from France so we just use busted-up rockets made from scrapyard spare parts lying around in the kids' playground parks.
Terr: the same metal used to make Earth kids'-playground park slides...
Towa from Yashahime: i know those slides well...
Tiwa: we take red-eye rocket flights all the time...
Terr: hey Tiwa, direct the collar so i turn right, turn left, turn up turn down, and fall off this planet...
Tiwa: sorry Terr, but i don't want to be seen at the mall having to babysit my stupid little brother anymore. i'm into Green Day now, okay? my blue parents HATE THAT. at my next learning session i'm putting on BLUE LIPSTICK!!!
Terr: what? what is going on with those four Traag elders?
elders: when you become an adult, you earn the right to know adult things...
Terr: just because kids can't do acid yet...
Terr: .........where am i? my head hurts. you knocked me out.........with your beauty.
young female Om babe: Obec Woods. Carmel Forest.
Terr: we don't live long, how about we make a baby while we still can?
Om babe: okay but take off that dress first. and take that ridiculous-looking cauliflower hat off your head!!! if i'm gonna fuck you i don't want to be seen by the other tribemembers that i duffed the town dork.
old female Om elder leader: don't be embarrassed, fuck while you're still young agile and spry, dearie. don't end up like me, an old grannie with triangle tits...
rebel-alliance group secreted in a cave in the woods of the local innercity municipal playground park: do NOT give away the location of this tribe. you must OBEY me, i have an octopus on my head...
Terr: okay we need to do the alpha-male thing now. who do i have to kill to be the leader?
Ric Flair: to BE the man you must BEAT the man.........with a sharp-toothed piranha-cat creature attached to your belly.
Terr: this brawl duel match fight would be much easier if we didn't have these razor-sharp animals stuck to our stomachs.........the animal is literally inside the abdomen of my underwear.
Terr: okay gang, we know they're coming, it says so on the white wall, that's Traag graffiti, those are Traag taggers.
Traag rampagers: Attack on Titan, take note. notice what we're using, those Raid bug traps shooting death balls that look like air-hockey mallets...
Terr: SHUT YOUR RATTLETRAP MOUTHS!!!
Goku: OH GOD THAT SOUND!!! that sound when the enemy fires, that piercing lilting sound of charging-up small energy that caresses the contours of the eardrum with a pinprick, that sound whenever Frieza attacked...
grannie Om on her deathbed: i don't have to die!!! just download me into a hologram.
granddaughter Om: yeah but that's not REAL...
Terr: EVERYONE!!! ONWARD TO JOHNNY ROCKETS!!! GREAT BURGERS THERE!!!
the new Doctor Who: so it was all a hologram. life is a hologram. the Dance of Life. see? the Traags' masters were the humans after all, the Traags used those giant human alabaster Ancient Roman bodies to travel to the five corners of the galaxy. the humans have a right to get a little superior, a little snippy with the Traags. but the question remains: who runs the Hologram? the answer is me. why? because i can. because i'm bored.
Q: ...
Terr: wait there was a satellite this whole time? we could have avoided this whole war of slaughter and just moved our entire Om civilization to the moon? who discovered this moon all of a sudden?
Elon Musk: i did. and i named it Fantastic Planet after me.
Laertus: very clever end, did you see that ending? Tiwa is now petting her pet lizard, that's the pet she's petting now, she's not petting Terr anymore. she's not petting a tiny Om anymore, the Traags have evolved.
Kevin: ...
Tiwa: the sum of our knowledge.........all comes from the Oms. that just blew my mind. the mind in my very large blue head...
Greykid: so is this an allegory about animal cruelty? or racism? or are they the same thing? animal cruelty is deadlier than racism...
Rubikon: ...
everyone at the feast has had their fill of every single form of pleasure. even their fill of gills. all the guests, which are the members of the company, are sublimely sated and satiated.
MBC: well that was quite the forest bacchanalia. we now know how it felt to be Ancient Romans who lived in the suburbs!!!
everyone laughs.
MBC: except we're the Ancient Greeks. the world has the wrong idea about us. they got the wrong impression. we don't eat little blue men that are on our plates. tho they would have deserved it. i'm talking about the Traags, NOT THE SMURFS!!!
Smurfette drinking Tang: sisterhood of women, bitch. raise a glass.
MBC: and you all completed the assignment, i wanted each of you to take the napkin under your lap and write on it the last fantastic thing that exists on Planet Earth. i LOVED reading all your responses. i've been perusing through some of them during my lunch break. now i can't READ any of them, all the writing is just chickenscratch cos everyone was drunk. but i appreciate the effort. i was gonna have all of you recite grandly what you wrote as an epic maritime poem for our dedication during dessert...
Greykid the cat: okay okay i give, i'll behave from now on. i found the cutest little tiny kawaii bonsai tree in the forest, i plucked it off the forest floor and i'm taking my ball-pawed feet and going home. i promise to take care of this bonsai, i'll never scratch it or pee in it, it'll be my new bed. the baby can have my old bed.
Baby Lightray: double-decker for me. when it comes to beds and poos.
Greykid: wasn't it a magic time for you when you had to change your profile? when you removed the word fur-. when you typed
baby mama
instead of
fur-baby mama
MBC: that was the greatest edit of my professional career. did you have a tough time finding the bonsai?
Greykid: yes but i'm hard. i simply followed the road of the longtable as it twisted and turned.
MBC: you know why the longtable snakes its way around the bend? why it curves around the tree trunk instead of just going straight forever? we're talking about the Earth here. there's a reason the long and winding road of the table is oval-shaped...
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