Rita Moreno: i like your tits.
Jessica Chastain: thanks. but they're just mom-tits, you know? warm and caring, point down. they called me Jessica Chestain at St. Cyril's in Encino.
Rita: no i said i like your dress. why is Steven Spielberg always late? he said he'd be my driver like he was for Annette Funicello. Sunset streets, snaking driveways, concrete, ya feel me, vata? i'm too old for this shit. Brando owes me for LIFE, i won my fourth in the quadfecta fair and square! Marlon had NOTHING to do with that Tony!!!
Tony Soprano: Brando beat me up good, that's how i learned.
Takahashi: what's with it with all these white folk suddenly celebrating Chinese New Year on facebook?
Hartnell College: matriculate here so you can drop out of college and join a thrash band...
Laertus: don't name the new manly We Bare Bears character Chad, you just DON'T want to go down that road.
Bridget Fonda: where have i been you ask? the The Outfield "Your Love" music video, painting Michael Jackson's face, sawed-off guitars, that sort of thing.
Crazy Horse Restaurant: this is the perfect representation of corporate shit. we were a happenin' place in Monterey. we had a stone grill! we had the whole Paris vibe thing going! a Dionysian marble statue of a naked goat girl! and then some corporate hack swoops in and turns it into bland and banal Urban Kitchen salad bar full of turkey cups and one squirt-bottle of dressing. the banality of corporate greed at its finest.
Bootsy Bellows: next to a dentist's on Sunset...
The Art of Elysium: i know we have a really really really really Illuminati-looking symbol but we're fine, we do good works.
Samuel Lewis: i was a cartographer, i didn't map Hollywood...
Cherry Bean: good coffee, nothing more.
Guy Fieri: i mean my middle name is Ramsay, so...
Museveni: Mussolini...
Lars von Trier: i could take Rory McIlroy at the British Open...
Madame Pons: i'm an introvert so i make for the perfect stay-at-home mom.........to my soap babies.
red-haired girl from the vaping commercial: everybody loves me cos when i speak my voice is 100% pure sincerity. i sound like a sober Cyndi Lauper. and i can break peanuts still in the shell in two with my ass.
Ezra Croft: it's weird that i'm only known by that one quote. i've actually never met Bill Murray. nor the Tomb Raider.
Eric Stoltz: if Michael J Fox were on Caprica we would have gotten a second season. i had to sign an NDA as a kid, that's why i've never talked about Back To The Future. i should star in a movie with Crispin Glover as my little brother...
Gayle King: i'm the last person on Earth to still have empathy for celebrities.
Gary Kroeger on an extended SNL hiatus-break: i'm focusing on Evangeline Lilly's anti-vaccinism cos.........well she's kinda pretty.
Melissa Villasenor: send the California Redwoods to me, i'll grab em, i'll protect them. i'm Indigenous. Mexican rice is not the same thing as Spanish rice.
Alison Sieke does the Drop-It Challenge at the L.A. Arte Fair.
Alison, sweaty: YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAS queen.
NoizeBoy: you talkin to me? what's that smell?
Alison: rump roast.
NoizeBoy: it's just weird smelling meat at a gallery.
Alison: you gotta drop your rump down LOW to the waxed floor. give it a go, boy.
NoizeBoy: i have no butt.
Jillian Clare: yep.
Alison: oh come on let yourself GO man. drop low low LOW. let your butt squish a bubbler, cover a water fountain. show your butt to that bird in the nest over up there.
Snoop Dogg: ...
Snoop Dogg: i'm just admirin' my man over here. i got a Super Bowl to plan for i mean drive...
Michael J Fox: it's not so easy to plan for a time-traveling pirate ship...
Alison: don't you feel lighter? freer? higher?
NoizeBoy: i do actually. what do you call this invisible pill?
Alison: dropping everything.
Mary Elizabeth McGlynn in Hawaii under a floating sandbank.
Mary: hey kids know how i got my inimitable smoky-lounge-singer voice? wasn't from smoking. listen to the whale sounds just now, did you hear them?
kids: amazing! zing! we see, you attuned your voice after that whale.
MEM: no my voice sounds like a woman who just swallowed water trying to escape a camouflaged blue whale.
kids: how are we able to hear her? she's wearing a scuba mask.
Michael J Fox: ...
Madame Pons and Gladyce are at The Store ostensibly to do the grocery shopping but the two old biddies look more like they're rummaging an antiques sale.
Madame Pons: where's your partner in crime?
Gladyce: never mind her, dearie, you're in training.
Pons: big sigh. i know but gosh i'm nervous. ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?!!! look at those over there! in the fishnets! they're knockoff cheap copies of my bath bombs! they're selling these chalky balls like they're the real thing. one even claims to turn into liquid smoke, as if!
Gladyce: breathe, bitch. i mean dear. there there let me rub your back. pat your back? slap your back?
Tom Brady: i didn't mention them cos Gisele hates the snow...
Gladyce: you gotta learn to control your emotions, that's part of being a crone.........have you seen the name?
Pons: Rank. Rank? RANK?!!! come on!!!
Tom Cruise: we kept-boys gotta stick together. but i could never wear a pimp-ass large silver engraved ingrained medallion on my necklace for Chinese New Year, i'm just not that cool.
Mardith: call it Lunar New Year, covers everything...
Minnie Mouse: i have to wear a pantsuit now. i have to look professional at the office, i'm a working mom.
Mickey Mouse: we have kids?
Laertus: okay now see that's more like it. the We Bare Bears munchkins talk about how it's bad to be the alpha bear, the alpha bear's a big jerk who doesn't listen to feelings.
Lando Calrissian: i'm like Kenan Thompson with a mustache.
Biden: i'm Biden. i abide. my predecessor had a lot of useful allies uh useful idiots...
Sean Penn: people who have real jobs aren't on facebook.
Thandie Newton: but you're on facebook all the time. haven't you ever considered caregivers? you blithering idiot.
Eye Luggage: what were we talking about again?
Chevy Chase: the music in National Lampoon's Vacation was like something out of American Bandstand, Battle of the Network Stars, a game show.
Lindsey Buckingham: ...
Eye: The Care Bears Movie and go.
Mickey Rooney: is it FINALLY my turn to go?!!! how old am i here?!!!
Nelvana: folk got screwed. there was a lot of screwing around going around. parties screwed other parties. when the dust cleared a lot of feelings were hurt. a lot of companies lost billions and their agency. some were able to scrounge enough working to feed their families they could pay for a ticket to the Disney bus. it was all so confusing back in the '80s, we had to ship out parts to South Korea but the North Korean animators ended up doing the bulk of the work.
Nelvana: we had NO IDEA this thing would make BILLIONS at the box office!!! we were as surprised as your children!!! we made shaky handshake deals in bathrooms and signed on the flimsy dotted line of cardboard and we all got screwed out of millions while one Canadian made off with all the money. all the lute, that Luter!
Trudeau: don't look at me, i don't drive a truck.
Kurt Cobain: i am the new CEO of Nelvana...
Laertus's dad: okay everyone this is my purview, let's all just close our eyes for ten minutes, sansana our heavy eyelids, and just coast on our mats, yogaing in space. the space of your mind. that's it. is everyone relaxed?
Dirg: even me.
Laertus's dad: i mean as i think back, this was THE move. this was the one everyone talked about in line with their milk card. under the brick hallways. sure the Pound Puppies movie had the same hype, but only with the girls at St. Cyril's in Encino, they waited in line in their blue pleated skirts with their strawberry-milk cards.
Laertus's dad: i remember one especially VERY moment specifically: it was of me and the little redhaired girl with the fro and black eyes who would later audition for the '80s Annie movie, Colleen Cooper. she introduced me to all this shit behind the bleachers. except in the '80s there were no bleachers, and thankfully no bleacher reports. only stone stairs. she got me into the dolls, i had to have EVERY SINGLE ONE of those damn bears!!! i didn't know what was inside their stomachs, i thought each of those symbols was a different drug, a magic speedball of LSD.
Laertus: you were quite the precocious child weren't you dad.
Laertus's dad: it was like meth. i went without, i skipped meals, i made dinner then threw it in the can, just so i could be light enough to take the bus alone to Toys R Us at night. i didn't even use the Care Bears as pillows for my head, i just had to HAVE them on my shelf. adults in the room, please share your experiences.
Madame Pons: oh yeah i remember Care Bears. my favorite was Tenderheart. remember TENDERHEART?!!! yeah Tenderheart became the de-facto SYMBOL of ALL the Care Bears, that evil munchkin. evil cos he was always SOLD OUT!!! not a Tenderheart anywhere to be found in Encino. or California.
crones: oh we loved those bears, well Gladyce would BUY those bears for Doryce for bedtime of course.
Doryce: you would?
Gladyce: yes, dear, you were too young you don't remember. i got my wrinkly ass out of bed at 4AM, cos i hear a giraffe in my good ear.
Doryce: i faintly recall the yellow one with the sun on its stomach. Funshine Bear, yeah, i loved him, or her? cos Funshine sounded like LSD.
Funshine Bear: i was never recalled.
Rubikon: it is so bizarre to analyze this film with 40 years of water under the bridge, to see just how the fuck it was allowed to be made in the first place. i mean consider the previous decade, the '70s was the arena for experimental film, when art was art, stretching the boundaries of time, space, and paint, of what was acceptable. actors and indie filmmakers willing to die for their art, to film up the hole, to be naked for no reason, to mix technicolor with terrible human emotion. it was great grit and grime and then here comes the most glossy cuddly piece of fluff you could ever imagine. and it WORKED!!!
Laertus: yeah i think it worked cos audiences had never seen anything quite like this, this was the FIRST time there was a blatant bald commercialization of a TOY. this is the first toyetic enterprise. a movie whose sole purpose in life is to sell toys. it was this garish piece of americana kitsch and people couldn't get enough. i mean once you find Tenderheart you GOTTA get the rest, right? the Garbage Pail Kids took note.
Laertus: and the Garbage Pail Kids came up with their own GOOD movie!!!
Rubikon: they had the balls to try it. or rather the stomachs to try it. they couldn't leave greeting cards alone.
Mr. Cherrywood: i'm Nicholas. sorry. now gather round, children, and let me tell you about that time as a kid i took a whole bunch of LSD...
orphans: see? Mr. Cherrywood as a kid was just like us!
Mrs. Cherrywood: Nick, whoops!, sorry. just don't excite the kids too much before bedtime, they still need to brush their teeths.
Mr. Cherrywood: i appreciate you calling us middle-aged rather than old...
Laertus's dad: Care-a-Lot, Camelot, i swear i only got that NOW!
crones: okay well we do like the St. Patrick's bear. and the one with a cupcake on its stomach, reminds us of all the kids and their rotting teeth that we encounter later in life to bargain with with dimes.
Kim and Jason: yeah we're jerks at the beginning, how would YOU feel if your parents just got crushed in a car accident!!! by the way it's never explicitly stated HOW our parents died, or even if they died, we're just two surly kids walking alone in a park. NOBODY CARES ABOUT YOU, that's the message to give all those tykes watching us right now down below there climbing the theater seats, you are so lucky to be little, you're safe in the cocoon of your parents' warmth and arms, savor that hug it won't last forever.
Kim: recognize my voice? i was Craigette of the CREEK long before anyone else got wise to the game...
Tenderheart: recognize MY voice?!!! oh yeah!!! I'M RUDOLPH THE RED-NOSED FUCKING REINDEER!!!
Nicholas: yeah i'm clumsy. yeah people make fun of me. yeah i'm not at the level of Mickey when it comes to apprentice. yeah i've seen the World's Largest Cedar Bucket. but all of this could be averted if i just develop thicker skin...
Dirg: i'm sorry but the magician's name is Fettuccine. fettuccine? i can't take that magician seriously.
Jackie Burroughs: i come from a borough in Ontario, wink wink. a Vancouver vox. look folk, yeah The Spirit looks EXACTLY like the green-queen witch from the mirror in that Disney flick but we FUCKING BEAT DISNEY's ass. i don't want to hear it!!! how did i develop my deliciously evil voice? i mean look at ANY photo of me. at all. i'm ALWAYS holding a cigarette. i held a cigarette as i accepted my OSCAR!!!
The Spirit: you couldn't bother to give me a name?...
Mister Rogers: Secret Bear, do NOT walk away with him to find care. that's not a magic key, that's the keys to a van by a park.
Nicholas: this isn't a book, it's a grimoire.
The Spirit: yeah you know, Illumianti, secret Hollywood parties, bowls of New Coke, which is just old cocaine.
Laertus's dad: OMG i remember this! remember the controversy here? yeah The Care Bears Movie, there were whispers in the air that this movie promoted Satanism. the Gate of Hell. i'm serious. i saw the look of concern on all the church ladies and the parents at the country-club golf courses wondering if they should mock St. Cyril's by going with their little ones to the cinema. it was these scenes right here, they're kinda squeamish and awkward and dark for no reason. scary for kids.
Dirg: kids can't handle black magic, i wish i could at that age, i would have been very different now.
Tyzik: Rainbow Rescue Beam, just Skittles. not mined by golders.
Michael Weiss: Skittles are made from LSD, i did a paper on this.
cloudquake: just our way this movie makes very small kids realize that the natural Earth is not your friend, Mother Nature is just a babysitter, an earthquake's hands cannot be shook.
Lion Care Bear: Care Bear Cousins? really? you're trying to sell MORE toys when you haven't sold the FIRST batch?! holy shit the entire Lion King franchise is a rip-off of ME!!! where's my money? i knew i should've NFT'd.
Mlem and Blep: let's see there's a monkey. a dog. a snake. a tapir. and a lemur. BUT WHERE'S THE CAT?!!!
pengwing: and a detective. and a cereal mascot.
Ranger Rick: this is blowing my mind! i had no idea raccoons could see in the dark!
Lotsa Heart elephant: pink elephant, Dumbo, no copyright infringement, we kicked Disney's ASS in the independent Swedish moviehouses!
dark cloud: i shall attack you in three ways. cloud. tree. eagle. you are now educated, youngin. you've read Charles Dickens's whole opus. you are an Eagle Scout. and Indigenous.
Dirg: when the Care Bears line up and "Stare", it looks like they're cumming.
Seth Green: ...
Cousins: we have our "Call".
Hyde and Dave Grohl: ...
The Coachman from Pinocchio: and now we have the epic Luke/Vader battle along a route of busted-up tungsten iron and wine circus cages, i LOVE the scenery! nobody has EVER been able to explain my motivation, why do i do what i do? is it for taxes? do i live alone?...
Grumpy Bear: dwarf? or dwarves? i'm sour but i'm not cool like a goth.
Eye Luggage: yeah the blue one with the raincloud! that was MY Care Bear!
Kim and Jason: we turned it around, our lives are mint now. of course we were the lucky ones, most orphans die. we were able to find new parents JUST LIKE THAT, it was like it was magic or something.
Kim and Jason: new mommy new daddy, can we go to the magic show? our friend is there!
new parents: nah you don't want to see that shitshow, that kid is a bad seed. you want REAL magic? here, try this LSD. i know, it looks like orange juice. and listen to LSD Soundsystem, it's in daddy's top hat...
Kim and Jason: so we just settled on watching Sesame Street alone in our room like everyone else...it's safer than going outside and playing like the song says...
orphans: Mr. Cherrywood, there's an intruder at your window! nevermind, it's just a raccoon. a bear with goth under his sagging eyes.
Mardith: you know this would have been massively more entertaining and interesting if they showed how Mr. and Mrs. Cherrywood met, fell in love, and fucked in the orphanage bed before the kids came. g'night folks.
snot-nosed kids 5 and UNDER sitting in sticky seats: who knew we were a movie demographic? this thing is PERFECT for us, like the vaccine!
Carole King: let's face it, it's the music that makes it. specifically the opening song i did, it has a haunting quality that evokes Mazzy Star. that first song
Care-a-Lot is a place we all can go
whenever we choose it
Care-a-Lot is a feeling we all know
we never do lose it
Carole King: see? the combination of the lyrics and my chilling voice sends shivers up your bones. it evokes this thing kids and children hold onto. this world is scary, the adult world is a nightmare, so you need a place to go where there's rainbows and creepy little talking bears who will LISTEN to your problems unlike your parents who work all day. the problem is, this world is for adults, too. all adults want to go to Care-a-Lot but they can't cos they'd be shamed at work. Care-a-Lot IS A REAL PLACE, i've been there, i fucked Grumpy Bear cos i thought he was Trent Reznor.
Carole King: when we get older, we need a place to return to, to find safe harbor in, this magic place no one knows about, where we leave the Earth's inevitable problems behind and slide on rainbows and swing on clouds and eat cupcakes and talk to animals. some call this a psychotic break. some a Satanic break. i call it freedom. the Care Bears are real, they're not animatronic like Teddy Ruxpin, the Care Bears have souls.
James Taylor: why didn't you ever tell me about this place? i need to HIDE from the world!
Carole King: slide on that rainbow, Jim. don't fuck Grumpy Bear he's mine.
James Taylor: i like the Goodnight Moon Care Bear, he reminds me of Cat Stevens.
Carole King: Carole King, Care-ole King, Care, get it?
Mickey Rooney: okay parents it's over, you can open your eyes now. fuck popcorn, DISCO SPUDS FOR THE ROOM!!!
Michael Phelps: life's about the journey. the LONG journey. from kid to adult barely holding on by a thread. short-track speedskating is stupid.
Roger Ebert: you want to solve the world's problems? get yourself a Care Bear, it's as simple as that.
Suzy Lu: okay bitch you won. fair and sqaure, i counted the votes meself.
Jillian Clare: what you a bean-counter now?
Suzy Lu: i was always so jealous of you, every time you smiled. you had the most perfect gleaming white crafted ceramic PORCELAIN teeth i couldn't stand it!!! my teeth are a mess of graveyards.
Jillian: it's cool i'm giving everyone free healthcare, that includes dental.
the two hug by locking their bottoms.
Suzy Lu: what is it Kakashi, i'm conceding.
Kakashi: the last three: speedwell, mallow, yarrow. speedball was too easy, i just got it from Belushi. mallow was Granny's vagina again, i approached her with a hippie attitude this time that she took kindly to, it reminded her of her youth drinking yellow soda. and i became a pirate as all ninjas do for the final last one.
Suzy: but that's 10. where are the 11 herbs?
Kakashi: the 11th is in my mouth, i'm sucking it right now, you can't see me cos i'm wearing my mask. but you know what my face looks like.
Suzy Lu: i get it. love you Kakashi.
Suzy: what time you inaugurate?
Jillian: as soon as i masturbate.
NoizeBoy: i get it. in order to be your boyfriend, to take on that job, it's a 20-year process, of painstakingly getting to know you by phone and by text. your idiosyncrasies and accomplishments, your tenure and temper. i'm gonna have to wait a long time before i even KISS you and it means something!!!
Jillian: i know. it's hard. i'm hard. but isn't it worth the wait? aren't i worth it?
NoizeBoy: feed me all your feminist foibles, i'm here to swallow.
Jillian: i think you mean feminist wiles.
Jillian delivers her acceptance speech from her bedroom, in the back behind her on her shelf is a Tenderheart Care Bear. the camera quakes as it records:
Jillian Clare:
my fellow actors, i am honored. first of all i want to thank Monica Lewinsky, she's not just my understudy. from now on we call them wonderstudies. this is the dawn of a new age. i hear you and i FEEL you. it's like that song "Flirted With You All My Life". such a clever song. the narrator at first you think he's talking about a girl. flirted but never went all the way. he gets jealous when she is touched by someone else, but actually it's Death touching her, causing her to die, causing his mom to die of cancer, and he realizes he's not ready. for Death to come. he's done this all his LIFE cos the correct counter is all his life itself as long as it's just flirting and not the real thing. is love eternal? when you're jogging Canoga Park like i know we all do in the brisk wind before auditions, and you're jogging with a bereft person, take her aside and pull up her chin and ask what's wrong. it's not about jogging, not about heart rate, it's about a broken heart rate. when she stops the jog, stops the steps, cos she wants to go to your house to make chili, MAKE THE CHILI. the chili will always be more important than the jog.
Jillian Clare: you are an artist even if you go your entire life without meeting a gatekeeper.
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