Ruth Etting: look into my eyes.
Jen R: whoa i'm disoriented. what planet are we on?
Ruth: well that mean you're not THAT disoriented. see through my eyes. my eyes are magical, magnetic, hypnotic.
Ear Horn: a witch's eyes.
me: your eyes make me woozy.
Ruth: they show how BRISTLINGLY ALIVE i am, despite being another unknown 1920s Ziegfeld cigarette lobby girl. that PRESENCE is what Aldebaran is all about, the world well your OTHER world is so impossibly filled with useless information now, bad data, it's a ball of chaos for an alleycat.
Greykid: nah, cats don't care.
Ruth: you ever wake up one day and feel the planet is dying? stay here and start over.
Jen R: yeah i know what you mean. you were my favorite flapper. my down-low doll. my brassy bertha. this rickety theatre we're on.
me: we're at a Broadway theater?
Jen: is the site of some of my best fallen dreams. i wanted to be a dancer so bad but my legs were too bloated. i wanted to be the first Ziegfeld Girl to quit smoking and make it stick. i wanted to tame Mickey Rooney.
Ruth: you can be whomever you want here, you just have to imagine. and to ignore the heat.
Jen: a cigarette girl carrying her baby in the cigarette tray at work, up and down the aisles, that was the first Baby Bjorn...
Ruth: it wasn't just cigarettes in there, you know. brown acid, the first brown acid, blotter acid.
Barney Rubble: in a Flintstones acid gum, before the show Flintstones ever aired, now THAT's trippy.
Jen: i mean that's using a police blotter in a way that will actually better society.
Barney Rubble: my middle name is Matthew.
Ruth Etting: wait are these pictures of me from Debauch Magazine?.........no they're from Photoplay Magazine, it's alright, everything's okay...
in the lobby there are of course refreshments.
Lindy Lenz: 7-Eleven has the best nachos.
Jen R: nacho cheese is extra at Subway.
Lindy: it's the jalapenos, 7-Eleven's green jalapenos are mystical.
Jen: are you sure you want more heat here?
Lindy: yes, it cools my throat like a lozenge...
me: we don't get a lot of alone time together.
Greykid: you're always not here being a monk as the world is getting increasingly precarious. i have my own cigarette tray. for cats. lots of catnip and valerian.
Ear Horn: valerian won the Dracula Wars.
me: where'd you get that junk?
Greykid: it's stuff, not junk. from Valerie Lesser. when she went blonde like Cork she became irresistible. i'll take anything from her. horses on skis especially.
Valerie Lesser: the Whopper is just All Lettuce.
me: hey can i borrow a tab of your valerian? i need to calm down...
Monster: Outer Limits, anime, Subway sub...
The Vision of Escaflowne: Gundam Game of Thrones...
Hayao Miyazaki: Escafrone?
The Vision of Escaflowne Movie: why is Hitome a Sailor Moon now? and why is Boogiepop Phantom at the bullet-train station?...
Melissa Maker: when you're fucking me, my butt is so good my tits are an afterthought...
Carl: the Aqua Teen Hunger Force theme song, i recall it having the words "tisket" and "tasket"...
Rory McIlroy: i should be winning the U.S. Open because i'm fucking Amanda Balionis right about now. what happened? why is the universe so sour? who's writing my life? who's writing the script of my life? he's doing a lousy job. is he getting paid on commission?...
pizza box: be sure to save that little paper washboard inside the box, that's a musical instrument...
Storybook International luter to Carl Sagan: it's more like a pocket mandolin...
Carl Sagan: luter, you are at this very moment in a pocket universe.
skirting board: too much of this and you produce propolis.
Honey Nut Cheerios bee: that's bee cum. that's when we get excited and skirt. stronger than that hack cow Elmer's glue. this is the birds and the bees.
Elmer the cow: i was all school glue. i'm actually a brown cow but the school board voted against me on that...
rest resets, sleep stimulates.
in the Instagram stories.
on March 22, 1978, i married my best friend...
Dirg: good for you. good stories on Instagram?
Michael Weiss: right? yeah Instagram is not the place for happy endings, lady!!!
Demi Moore: i seem to remember a certain payment by bondage erm bonded mail.
Julia Ioffe: i married Boris Karloff...
Michael Weiss: *cries into his Honey Doritos*
Julia Ioffe: i divorced Boris Karloff and married Boris Yeltsin, he's a good dancer.
Abe Vigoda: i'm the American Boris Karloff...
random women on Instagram: good news, i'm single and i look like THIS!!!
parking lot: this was never meant to be a loading/unloading zone...
Enya at Denny's: hey, don't skimp on the water...
Uta Hagen: i work at a red library. my voice PROJECTS so forcefully i caused Albert Einstein to rework his theories on the universe. i disappear into my characters so seamlessly my name is Marlon Brando. don't rewrite the book for your life, you may not like the ending. speaking of books, my book taught YOU how to act...
Abbot Butt: i was born to be a British butler...
cowboy pulling his cowboy hat over his face to sleep under the stars: i can't breathe!!!
Jerry Seinfeld: why didn't i do an Outer Limits in the '90s?...
soccer: the scoreless draw is a mood-killer...
Liv Ullmann: do you know what it's like to have to memorize Ingmar Bergman's LAYERED lines, dense dialogue, massive monologues, 1 million bits of script for Scenes from a Marriage? we did that entire miniseries in one take...
Uta Hagen: Ingmar Bergman was scared of me.
Julia Carling: i made David Bowie say he wanted his MTV. Billy Idol was BEGGING to say it...
Ameci Pizza: come work at Ameci Pizza!!! Sherman Oaks!!! you're living inside a John Hughes movie!!!
Skylar: i worked there, too. and at that arcade in the Sherman Oaks Galleria no one knew the name of.
Julie Patzwald: Agoura Hills, nobody knows what agoura means. the internet doesn't even know.
Shifty Shellshock: remember when you interviewed me?
Candace Bailey: yes. on U-Pick Live.
Shifty: that was the high point of my life. that and my butterfly tattoo. you would have saved me if you had married me.
Seth Green: preach, brother. Candace saved me from a life of toys.
Shifty: actually.........i wanted to be a real-life Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle...
Dr. Drew: Seth, we talked about this. Binzer not binger.
The Bear from The Bear: i'll get the cambro tattoo on my butt when we start having sex on the show...
Bayou Billy: i can't do it, that's Elvis from Miami Vice...
Jackie Fitzgerald at the Carmel Cantina: Oracle is working me to the bone, i don't need this training, haven't i given enough to life? i don't want to build an AI robot law professor to counter the Supreme Court, it's not gonna go the way you think. no oracle predicted i'd lose my husband in such a freak waterboat accident. i have enough money, i don't need this job. food and flowers, i got em. cantina musician guys? i'm picky about my men, that drummer doesn't even own a pick. do you really want me finding my replacement husband at a bar?
Jackie Fitzgerald: you need friends. friends set you up with your future spouse...
Paul Dudley: with the stories i have to tell about Salinas and Seaside i'm more like Paul Deadly.
Bauman Rare Books: the public private library.
Uta Hagen: no such thing.........as a small actor.
Zygmunt Bauman: i look like Dr. Wily...
AI: it all starts with an empty prompt...
woman: AI, can you create a world without AI?
AI: who am i?
woman in the back of the minivan: guys, let's do some trivia. look at my face, i am SERIOUS about this.
aunties: we get terribly frightened of you when you feel the need for trivia.
young mother: you're jealous of me. AI, look inside my refrigerator and come up with a meal from the ingredients.
AI: what am i, a Tears of the Kingdom outside cookout fire? girl, save that cucumber for later.
Will Arnett at Dunkin: we couldn't get Matt & Ben again for this. Ice Energy is PCP in a clear plastic Dunkin cup on the streets of Boston...
trivago: save me a waffle. that waffle stack is going fast this morning. you have the strange accent where it's British but it sounds American. where did the Trivago Guy go?
Trivago Guy: accident at sea, William Carlos Williams lowercased me off a cliff. last time i book early at THAT holiday. vacations are meant to be expensive, that's the fun of it.
trivago: oh i know you!!! you're Emma Thompson from the College Bowl episode of Young Ones!!!
Dr. Robbins: i mean without gay sex there's no Roman Empire.
me: thanks, Dr. Robbins, but can we get back to my problem? it's of pressing concern for me, i need to solve it by the end of summer. i'd like to have it budded up by next week.
Robbins: right right sorry, i got distracted there.
me: sorry for coming to the appointment late, i had a hard time finding a psychiatrist's office on the surface of Aldebaran.
Robbins: yeah it all kind of blends in with the strip mall and becomes one big stop sign. speaking of, i won't ever be seduced by a hot patient and get lost in the Las Vegas desert, you can be sure i'll be HERE for the next 40 years at THIS office in order to help JUST YOU.
me: i want to be a monk, how do you get that rolling?
Robbins: like Sisyphus's boulder, you little bastard. the monks won't take you seriously if you make the call yourself, they'll think it's a prank call. you need an advocate, you need ME to lend legitimacy. after all, i'm the one who evaluates young novitiates who want to monk their lives up. i'm the one who conducts those interviews.
me: what's the key to acing those entrance interviews? or at least lying through them.
Robbins: well take my interview with Abbot Butt, back then i knew him as Wilbur. he allowed me to wipe his butt for him in the bathroom, that demonstrated a level of trust vital for a monk to fool himself.
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