me: so this tower is a time machine?
Jen R: yeah. has to be, right?
me: time machines have let me down my whole life. think about it, if time machines existed IN THE FUTURE they would have already come HERE TO THIS TIME. do you see any time machines around?
Jen: what if the time travelers are sworn to secrecy, they can't make themselves known so they appear in fuzzy 1890s photographs and look like Greta Thunberg.
me: that means humans have NEVER constructed a time machine, even 10 billion years in the future. that is depressing.
Jen: i have something that will make you feel better...
Quasimodo: yeah the Campbell's thing. soup that eats like a meal.
Serano: right? i'm working on a new flavor for them, Cacciatore. Campbell's Cacciatore. with my son Salvatore. i named him after Cinema Paradiso.
Quasimodo: that is so beautiful. all this time i never realized you had a son. can your son fetch me a bottle of bourbon from the lord's castle?
Serano: don't think so, he's starting kindergarten. the other kids call him Salvatore Cacciatore.
Quasimodo: i want to feel that father-son bond i've never known.
Lindy Lenz carrying a snub-cube backpack on her back: my ex-boyfriend...
me: why would you mention your ex-boyfriend to me?...
Lindy: think about it.
me: okay, that's right, you're letting me know he's your ex.........that you're free.........i'm trying to put a positive spin on this...
Lindy: single at the start of summer...
Greykid: litter-ature. get it? i'm getting a Litterature degree from Berkeley. don't worry, i won't join a frat, only the Independent Order of Odd Fellows, i like their lodge...
Greykid: did everyone pack their packing cube of frozen fish?...
Caitlin Clark: no i do not look like Sasha Grey...
JJ Redick: are you fucking kidding me? i spent MY ENTIRE LIFE playing video games and i have NOTHING to show for it?!!!...
at the ESPN Studios.
Molly Qerim: this morning on First Take, JJ Redick joins the panel...
JJ Redick: fuck my life.
Molly Qerim: JJ's gonna break down the Lakers' new head-coach hire Dan Hurley...
Tom: the answer to the riddle is always The Pyramids.
Jerry: i'm the only one who can fit in The Great Pyramids...
Lucio Rossi: Italian Touch.........no it's pizza...
Italian Touch Pizza: we're the New Jersey Ameci...
Caitlin Simmers: am i simmering under a wave of competition? nah, i got the Olympic surfing gold medal in the bag. in the flip flops. but they do call me Caitlin Summers...
Marc Summers: i was just kidding around. it was a bit. i have never once worked with Dan Schneider...
Ozempic: Ozempic Olympics?...
Lucio at Tai's yoga shoppe.
Lucio: Tai is helping me calm down. which is hard for an Italian.
me: you were always the calmest person i ever knew, that's why you were my best friend.
Tai: i've taken Lucio off the spam calls and replaced them with Solfeggio frequencies.
Lucio: from Italy...
Taco Bell: wanna make music? learn to eat Taco Bell...
Kersploosh: Archer for kids...
Hermes: we're a very HIGH-END OBSCURE way to live, you know? luxury line. the Birkin bag life consists of a horse-rider kicking over his stool and stewing in a stable. equestrians spying through Tiffany's on a Mission Impossible wire because her saddle needs a coat of Lurpak butter.
Robert Crumb: i went to a Pizza Hut.........i blew chunks of bread and cheese the rest of the night...
Paris mayor Anne Hidalgo: i have faith the river Seine will be fecal-free for the Olympics, and i'm an atheist...
Paul: remember SEVERE TIRE DAMAGE in the '80s? that red sign at the entrance to the parking building with the spike strip of LARGE SERRATED Medieval knives. that's not very friendly. that's not your kitchen table. they REALLY didn't want you parking your car in there for free. unless you had a Mercedes with the validated parking ticket stuck to your windshield. i used to work one of those booths. i was parking inspector. the one-armed bandit. that was my nickname, too. that's what they called me. i'd ask for your parking strip. that was the first time i ate Chinese takeout, i've been addicted to that food ever since.
Pati Jinich: the best avocado? Chicago. Chicago avocados.
Brooke Trantor: Chicago Avocado, that was the name of my band in college.
Bowzer the Bulldog: i like the high grass, the tall weeds, i can go poo in there in peace.
Kelly Sheridan: my anime voice is gorgeously PRONOUNCED, i really EMPHASIZE each point of the dialogue...
Eye Luggage: Super Size Me and go.
Takahashi: we'll take it from here, we're aficionados.
Madame Pons: not for long. not after watching this.
Morgan Spurlock: i look like a 19th-century boxer...
Takahashi: after those two scenes i swore off McDonald's FOREVER, i'm never going to McDonald's AGAIN: the vomit scene and the scene where they show in graphic detail the man's lap-band surgery.
Morgan Spurlock: there's something poetic in me throwing up McDonald's food AT the McDonald's parking lot...
Morgan Spurlock: you know i admitted years later that i got sick but it probably wasn't ALL from the McDonald's, i was drinking heavily at the time. doesn't that make me endearing? doesn't that humanize me? i mean wouldn't ANYBODY ELSE do the same if they had to consume fucking McDonald's three meals a day for a month? you gotta do SOMETHING to trick your body into thinking you're having a good time. heart palpitations are never good, right?...
Morgan: the alternate title for this was That One McDonald's Game...
Morgan's Vegan Nutritionist Girlfriend: oh sweetheart, i don't want you wrecking your body permanently for some dumb movie.
Morgan: it's a documentary that will help tons of fat people. WHOA!!! why are you talking about our sex life?
Vegan Nutritionist Girlfriend: don't you like how i start openly volunteering information about how you can't get it up? this doc just went from PG to R in one scene. do McDonaldland Cookies have that kind of spice?
Vegan Nutritionist Girlfriend: i don't care, I LOOKED GOOD at the Oscars. no other woman in Hollywood could pull off an Oscar dress with a tribal armband tattoo like that...
Morgan: WHOA the tits, wow, that's my dietician Bridget Bennett.
Vegan Nutritionist Girlfriend: i know you fucked this bitch DURING the filming of this, right? that's why i divorced you five years later, it wasn't the fame going to your head. your other head.
Morgan: we got married? i don't remember that. OF COURSE, i mean why do you think every time i had a weigh-in at Bridget Bennett's office i came out in my American-flag speedo?
Bridget Bennett: so try to not DRINK YOUR CALORIES.
me: see? Coke. that's why i gave up Coke, i started drinking ONLY WATER after watching this.
Jen R: how long did that last?
me: till dinner, water tastes DISGUSTING.
Bridget Bennett on the phone: um, Morgan? i need a place to stay, can i stay with you? they closed our office.
Vegan Nutritionist Girlfriend: come up with a better sob story, honey.
Morgan: what's a calorie?
Ronald McDonald: our burgers build muscle.
Jared Fogle: okay this is weird.........
Jared Fogle talking after his talk to his legion of fans.
girl's mother: yeah so we buried my mother in a piano box...
Julie Patzwald: i mean talk about the gothest thing ever...
the Big Mac Guy: i had a Whopper ONCE...
Morgan: how do you eat 10,000 Big Macs and not gain weight, not get a heart attack? you're still so svelte, slim, skinny. tall, and hanky.
Big Mac Guy: i'm a corrections officer.
Morgan: nuff said.
lawyer suing McDonald's: do you find it rather odd and macabre that we're discussing all these things while we're casually eating McDonald's for lunch?
Morgan: remember these orange McDonald's trays?...
British doctor: a high-fat diet is like smoking cigarettes? never heard of such a thing. stop it. stop what you're doing at once.
Morgan: i love your English accent, you sound like that portly professor guy on Sliders.
British doctor: i am Falstaffian like John Rhys-Davies, tis true.
Morgan: we asked 100 health professionals and experts if they would eat at McDonald's. they all answered no. what a dilemma, the cheapest food is the unhealthiest food...
Ronald McDonald: instead of doing what you did, wouldn't it have made more sense to see if it was possible to eat HEALTHY at McDonald's?
Morgan: yes. but that would have been boring. and i wouldn't have been shown in schools.
7th Grade student: French fry is a vegetable, right? i love that spinning pizza plate in the cafeteria, so hypnotic.
Morgan: the scariest thing we filmed was not the food, it was that white McDonald's van...
Morgan holds up a photo to Ronald McDonald.
Morgan: who is this?
Ronald McDonald: George W. Bush?
Morgan: no that's Michael Moore. what Michael Moore does.
Ronald: Kurt Cobain?
Morgan: it's Jesus.
Ronald: i'm Hindu.
Morgan: you wanna talk about power? ME, I, i singlehandedly made McDonald's STOP serving Super Size anymore!!!
Ronald McDonald: we lost TRILLIONS of dollars. thanks.
Morgan: you gotta admit, that last scene where i'm at a McDonald's birthday party for an eight-year-old is pretty clever, that was pretty cool. me wearing the triangular birthday hat with the string under my chin.
Jen R: i had MY 8th-birthday party at this same McDonald's in New York City!!! downtown Manhattan with Woody Allen chaperoning.
Morgan: hey Bridget Bennett, what are you eating at my party?
Bridget Bennett: one of these ice cream cones should be okay, right?...
Morgan: it's my party and i'll cry not because i want to, but because it made me. tears of grease.
Ronald McDonald: *rolling his painted clown eyes sarcastically* fast food is bad for you? what a concept.
Ronald McDonald: i mean if you eat ANYTHING to excess, you'll get the same result. if you would have eaten BREAD for every meal, you would have eventually vomited up all the bread.
Robert Crumb: ...
Ronald: it's not the McDonald's, it's your eating habits.
Morgan: now that i think about it.........you're right. well except pot. it took me 9 days to eat every single item on the McDonald's menu, the salads have more calories than the Big Macs. their most ostentatious menu item has gotta be the Bacon Double Quarter Pounder with Cheese...
Vegan Nutritionist Girlfriend: i'm preparing Morgan's crash vegan detox for after this ghastly experiment of his. i have it all laid out here on this list: plenty of nuts, berries, whole wheats, avocado, and fennel seeds. he's nuts.
me: you seeing this, Jen?
Jen R: yeah. it's so warm and hopeful. what could be more loving than your woman printing out your itinerary, your seed syllabus, as she guides you back to health? caresses you in her bed of pink glow. you're thinking about how the next month will be the most delectable fortified feasts which will stand your body up again, strengthen your sinews, make you love life again, in the comforting arms of your live-in nurse. that's love. that's love and care.
Ronald McDonald: angina angel.
Bridget Bennett: your health is your only asset, not your tits.
Morgan on the phone: mom, i need your kidney.
mom on the phone: i don't think i want to do that, Morgan.
Morgan: you have to, mom, this won an Oscar.
Morgan Spurlock: so what eventually killed me early? the McDonald's binge, the McDonald's burgers giving me cancer, the alcohol, Me Too. a little of each...
Morgan: g'night folks.........both meanings.
Ronald McDonald: hey, Super Size those photos above before you post them...
me: ...you always do. and that is why i love you. and owe you my life. you enliven me. you embiggen me.
Jen R spins me round round.
Jen R: Super Size you? think about it, you have ME, I am your time machine, i take you back to the '80s whenever you want, whenever you NEED. you'll always have a permanent time machine in the remnants of my heart.
me, thinking: what else could i do but kiss Jen on the lips.
Jen: i don't mind my big hair. or wearing purple the rest of my life. or the Rambo boots. and that painful Care Bears spinoff. don't Super Size my Orange Julius, leave it vintage...
us by the fire. of the smoking tower.
me: so in an ironic stroke of whimsy, i'm gonna have a Big Mac and fries tomorrow.
Jen R: should be alright, if you have one a week nothing really happens to your body.
me: but what of my soul?
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