the two of us by the docks.
me: you think this is a big-enough ship?
Jen R: it's the prettiest little boat. those red crosses make me almost want to pray, pray to Queen Isabella.
Ms. Krause: Christopher Columbus went on that racist voyage because Queen Isabella thought he was cute and she was getting back at King Ferdinand for screwing the pageboy, both meanings, and not believing her.
Jen: they certainly make me a nurse at sea. this is where the Spruce Goose ported the Queen Mary!!! Playmobil vibes.
me: what's our mission again?
Jen: we're to find the best Carvel ice cream on the planet.
me: easy, Fedco.
Jen: it's a hot summer day so the crew needs a boatload of ice cream.
me: speaking of summer, nobody's around during summer, everybody's gone, but YOU were here for me in a crisis, in a pinch.
Jen: turns out it was a pinch of salt. or the end of the world.
me: i just want you to know how much i appreciate you. forget this giant silver tin anchor in front of me, YOU are my lifeline. i love you so much, head over heels, you mean the world to me.
Jen: the seven seas, the Seven Worlds...Gordon Ramsay: FUCK THE TOUR DE FRANCE. yeah? no don't worry, that's not a bruise, it's a Samoan tribal body tattoo that covers my front and back...
Great Dane: don't you love how my name is Kevin? i'm the world's tallest dog, which means i'm the only animal or human clown in the circus who doesn't use stilts...
Leslie Sbrocco with dripping pan: to collect the fond i'm fond of. i'm actually a chef. a chefess. my roof exploded?
Lindy Lenz: ...
Lindy Lenz from a hospital bed: there's just something about Kermit the Frog's voice that induces tears. what do you use for strep throat?
me: Robitussin, Tussin like a wild woman.
Lindy: what do you use for a bad GI tract?
me: G.I. Joe soldiers. don't worry, not a real war, action figures.
crates and crates and crates of tea are being loaded up by chains onto the ship.
Jules Smith: if you say you don't like PG Tips, you're a tea snob. finest black tea in Her Majesty's Royal Navy.
me: how can i help? i'll put on an apron and wheel around the bev cart. full of Ceylon tea to calm the waters.
Serano: i'll be the best shipmate, i speak Portuguese!!!
Jen R: go downstairs.
when i get there, Jean-Luc Picard is wheeling around a beverage cart.
me: it's weird seeing a captain of authority wearing an apron.
Jean-Luc Picard: matches with my white head.
me: you feeling dizzy there, captain? it's seasickness.
Jen R: no, first mate, i just twirled myself around really fast trying to open this Tootsie Roll Pop wrapper.
me: tomato, where have ye been my whole life? right? so crisp, so clean, so cold. i should eat a tomato a day.
Jen: ketchup doesn't count. eat a tomato like an apple. avoid scurvy, ya landlubber. gain your sealegs by listening to "Cake by the Ocean."
Nostalgia Ned: turns out 20 years is a long time...
Adventure Time: remember that Satan Crayons episode?...
Bunny Breckinridge: i love the Twizzler bunnies...
Middle Ages: all the women wore that Mary veil but none of them were virgins...
Lars von Trier: ...
Fuerza: except the ones with the chastity belt's key...
Mary: Virgin's veil, the real Shroud of Turin.
Minster: all Wikipedia articles are scribed by monks...
Maid Marian: when i enter a Medieval church, i pray to Mary. i'm a Marian. so were the Gummi Bears.
Disney's The Gummi Bears.
King: i don't believe in Gummi Bears, but i do believe in ogres.
Igthorn: my castle is Skeletor's castle.
King: and my castle is the Dragon's Lair castle.
Cavin: surely there was Gummiberry Cereal. but why wasn't there a Gummi Bears dark ride at Disneyland?
Lorenzo Music: what did the Great Gummis look like? cats...
Igthorn: but what was i doing for a whole year?...
Gusto: i was the Alex P. Keaton of the Gummi Bears...
Paul: you know it's a little intrusive of you to be walking at my place of work every morning at 7:30AM. i'm trying to work here.
Boc: nobody wants to walk in a mall. would you rather me do naked sweaty weightlifting outside?...
seagull: i'm perched atop the mysterious Strange Tower.........it's a big plug...
seagull: i'm perched atop the mysterious Strange Tower.........it's a golf tower...
Kurt Cobain: if Nine Inch Nails didn't exist, God would have to invent him.
Trent Reznor: thanks for that, man, appreciate you.
Mr. McFeely: never open a letter that's not in an envelope...
Kevin Bacon at Denny's: can i have some bacon? NO hard-boiled egg...
Dakota Fanning is driving M. Night Shyamalan thru the Taco Bell drivethru.
Dakota Fanning: have you decided what you want to eat? don't take 3 hours to decide like last time.
M. Night Shyamalan: the mystery here is why you guys got rid of that breakfast taco with the sunny-side-up egg on the side of the taco shell, that thing looked like an alien pod!!!
there's one shower on the whole ship. in the captain's cabin. a naked Jen and a naked me are showering together.
Jen R: why do you rinse out the grapeseed shampoo and grapeseed conditioner IMMEDIATELY after you put it on your head? leave it on for one minute before you wash, let it marinate your scalp, it's a meditative minute.
me: it's starting to burn.
Grace Slick: know why Pinehurst No. 2 is so hard? the golf course is in the shape of a rabbit...
Ron and Cheryl Howard: look at us, we're in the same social circles and beach friends of Cork and Russ in Manhattan Beach. our parties consist of a lot of chocolate turtles.
Jesus: i forgive you like your golf clubs.
Bryson DeChambeau: think about it, i'm Payne Stewart's son...
Inspector Gadget: the whole MAGNIFY!!! thing works on Wikipedia pictures...
on the Toonami Boards early Father's Day morning at 12 midnight: all of us men here will never be fathers...
Hayao Miyazaki: pick an obscure anime, a show NOBODY has heard of, and watch all 13 episodes...
Matthieu Pavon: no, Bryson, i don't want an Energy Ice sodawater, i want a Coke...
Bryson DeChambeau: hey, do you know how to tell if you hit a lot of shots fat? the golf course is COVERED in divots and MASSIVE clods and clumps of grass and mud.
Layne Staley: just the way i like it.
Caddyshack gopher: not caused by me.
The Outer Limits: humans in the future use one measurement: clicks.
The Twilight Zone "Nightsong": "The Night Begins to Shine..."
The Twilight Zone "Nightsong": the inspo for Outer Limits "Falling Star." the man arrives in Highway to Heaven garb.
Rod Serling: and we end with a Little House on the Prairie tumble down the hill. amidst chocolate-chip crags that look like muffins.
Fuerza: your bedroom, which was okay during winter, will start to STINK TO HIGH HEAVEN during summer...
after a long day aboard the Catalan cruiser i prepare dinner for the crew and Jen using an electric hotpot.
Jen R: careful with that thing, this ship is wood.
me: is there a plug on this ship? is there an outlet on this ship?
Jen: is there a pool on this ship?
me: SUPPER'S ON!!! i don't get it, i used to LOVE instant chicken ramen noodles, but now it tastes DISGUSTING to me, WHAT HAPPENED?!!!
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