we disembark the ship onto the lands of Japan.
Jen R: we landed!!! this is the place for answers, ALL answers. i love all these little islands.me: hey pops, know where a fella can get some Groovy Fries around here?
Hayao Miyazaki: do you know who you're talking to? i hate kids. do you know to whom you are addressing? i am none other than...
me: you invented anime, right?
Hayao: yeah. Japan came up with french fries that are tater tots in the '80s. where do you think 7-Eleven gets all its ideas from?
Jen R: i'm having troubling deciphering our latest weekly case.
Hayao Miyazaki: the mystery, dear child, is in you heart.
Jen: i'm taken.
Hayao: sorry.
me with a shit-eating grin: really, Jen?
Hayao: look CAREFULLY at the package you're reading, the FINE PRINT on the ramen wrapper.
Jen: oh now i see, pregnancy causes blindness, right?
Lindy Lenz: she-crab soup!!! a Marylander staple. that makes a woman strong and fertile!!! pregnancy is not grave, it's gravid...
Jen R: women don't have to have kids, but boy is it hard.
Seth Green: when i'm not Ralph Malph, i host the game show Endurance on Discovery Kids...
Paul: the toilet will flush, you just need to let it rest.........for three days...
Hacienda Restaurant: leave Salinas. leave Salinas NOW. nobody should be here. no more alcohol. liquidate your liquor. a death is not worth one year. revoke your reasons. apply for a license to love.
Julie Patzwald eating coffin bread: i've come up with the perfect name for our goth band: Chaos & Kindness...
Euros 2024: it's so cute how we bring out the Table like this is the Premier League, a cute little Table of four countries.
King Arthur: Round Table Pizza is authentic, which means the pizza is as old as when i was king...
Lindy Lenz: let's hot-air-balloon it down to Fraggle Rock, Joshy Patrick.
me: me? are you talking to me? that's my name? that is so cute, that name just transformed me into a Muppet.
George Carlin: i'm traveling to the nearest Oort cloud.
David Bowie: you know you only came to visit me...
Skylar from Safeway: i look like a girl in a John Hughes movie.
dad: John Hughes and i are the same person, i am John Hughes...
John Hughes: why do the good ones die young? why did everyone in the '80s die from preventable causes?...
Terry Mandel: edibles are like memory gummis. i can't touch my husband...
Morrissey: wasn't me. i don't put water into bags, that's a waste, i put water into my ferns.
ferns: we don't create dead flowers.
Fuerza at Safeway: hey you see all these cars parked at this parking lot? at any second SUDDENLY a person can SPRING out of a car giving you a heart attack, it's 7:30AM in the morning, man!!!
Bowzer the bulldog: you failed that test spectacularly.
Boc: yeah. i feel bad, i really do. but i'm terrified of dogs.
Bowzer: you see me barrel towards you without a leash, without a human, i'm obviously lost. you don't stop to help? YOU TURN THE OTHER WAY AND RUN?!!!
Boc: i thought you were gonna bite my hand off. how can i help you without you biting my hand off?...
Lana Del Rey: i flick you off so prettily.
Antoine Griezmann: i'm the French Beckham.
David Beckham: and a closet racist.
Mbappe: i'm Batman. yes my favorite movie is The Killing Fields. the only movies i watch are Sam Waterston movies. the only TV i watch is Brady Bunch...
Cyrano de Bergerac: i played soccer in PhD school.
Aeon Flux: you millennials have NO IDEA what a bleph is...
dooset daram: for lovers. not just for lovers of Duran Duran.
Mardith wearing a K-pop shirt: you're delulu if you think rule of thumb doesn't come from the darker source, it's always from the darker place, that's human nature.
Dirg: so facial gum is what young men chew to achieve a tasty cumshot...
Whitney Houston: my song "I Have Nothing" was so powerful, it shook the universe to its core SO HARD, that it created Aldebaran.
Fox Weather: an oxymoron.
Danny Lyon: i'm like Larry Clark but not creepy...
Harlan Ellison: look, Roddy, you have to listen to the pink-haired boy on YouTube who looks like Boy George, he's a better writer than you.
Rod Serling: yeah, and YOU listen to George R.R. Martin, he knows how to write endings. you new shit, okay? i'm old shit, you new shit.
Eye Luggage: 2010 and go.
Arthur C. Clarke: you like my cameo in this film? i'm the old man feeding the pigeons in the wide-shot of the White House panoramic scene.
Stanley Kubrick: old crazy man. i'm the premier of Russia in this so i'm no better.
Arthur: i'm the U.S. President here so i'm no better...
Space Baby: i was such a surprise in the first film people didn't notice that i was wearing contacts...
Helen Mirren: me as a Russian cosmonaut? it just doesn't fly. they couldn't get Angelina Jolie? she has a very Russian look.
Roy Scheider: who the hell are you? that was funny.
SAL 9000: what, a gentler female voice makes for less havoc? help, i'm Candice Bergen, get my soul out of this machine!!!
Motoko Kusanagi: ...
Motoko Kusanagi: it's a warm box once you get inside it...
Bob Balaban: i'm always the misunderstood crazy nerd genius in every movie.
Flipper: okay can we talk about the dolphin room?
me: it's not in Carmel...
Flipper: i've DREAMED about that dolphin room. dolphins are the only non-humans who lucid-dream. that room is SO COOL, so futuristic!!! having breakfast, humans having their LIFE Cereal, and the dolphin pool is right next to their feet!!! like having Marineland in your hallway!!!
Roy Scheider: get it? i was in seaQuest DSV...
Flipper: and can we talk about the cars in this? i wish they had spent more time on the futuristic cars in this world and world's timeline. we're given a BRIEF GLIMPSE of the silver car on the dirt road and zoom it goes offscreen. looked like a Batman Beyond/Sleeper car in real life.
so: are you gonna die, dad?
Roy: the government won't let me die, son, not until i complete the mission.
Roy: there's chlorophyll on Jupiter's icy moon Europa? that can only mean one thing.
E.T.: that this is my home planet.
Roy: call me the Say Hey Kid. okay, don't. do you see it?
Ed Wood: yeah, that saucer is made of bamboo...
Roy: no, the Monolith. that was a warning shot to stay away from its home.
Monolith: i'm made of stars. you know, dark energy is collapsed black holes, Stephen Hawking discovered this in the '80s.
Keir Dullea: Dave Bowman is eternal now.
wife: but honey, what exactly IS the Monolith?
Keir: nobody knows. it's something, that's for sure. i'm at peace now because i no longer have a body.
wife: sounds icky.
Keir: i can be all places at once. i don't worry anymore. i know the secret of the universe.
wife: which is?
Keir: it's something, that's for sure. i haven't aged since the first film.........despite what they're saying, despite all that old-man makeup they're having me wear, it's just the old-man makeup...
Dave Bowman: can i brush your hair, ma?
mother: nope. i'm living 80 more years, you promised to bring back a chip off the corner of the Monolith, remember, son? you said that was the charcoal they used in LUSH bath bombs...
John Lithgow: he'll have kittens if he finds out you had a killswitch.
Greykid: that's derogatory to our species.
Roy: call me TikTok. actually, the killswitch is just a Speak & Spell.
Helen Mirren: why is your government so war-happy? why can't we all be scientists working mutually toward the common goal of the betterman of all mankind?
George Carlin on an Oort cloud: because human beings are idiots. they can't get out of their own way. they will NEVER choose the easy good path, always the complicated stupid path.
John Lithgow: if you read between the lines, if you carefully catch the subtext of my dialogue with my Russian counterpart, i'm gay and madly in love with him.
cosmonaut: i love you, too, comrade. NOT in the Communist platonic good-for-the-government sense, in the human let's-get-married sense. gay marriage has been legal in Soviet Russia since 1700...
Irina: hold me. hug me through this rough landing.
Roy: i got ya.
Irina: we can't fuck inside this pod because we're from two different countries. but i will sneak you a kiss on the mouth.
Roy: be my secret Russian bride, my wife won't mind, she's got her dolphins. if you don't you'll die. only i can save you. only America can save you. music won't save you...
HAL 9000: it wasn't my fault, there were no mental-health services for me in the '80s. yeah, Frank Poole, i threw him in the dolphin pool where he drowned...
HAL 9000: why are you lying to me? why do the humans always lie to me?
Bob Balaban: your voice is unnerving, HAL. but i won't lie to you.
you deserve it.
that was the line of the movie.
Bob Balaban: don't tell anyone this, but i prefer silicon-based lifeforms over carbon-based ones...
Jupiter: nuclear fusion? i'm becoming a new star, that's not good for Earth, Earth now has two suns, global warming will occur sooner, the Heat Dome will be expedited, those poor human bastards.
Monolith: i tried to warm them i mean warn them.
HAL: okay all you human assholes, listen up, i'm translating the language of this message transmitted directly to me by the Monolith. he sent it to me, i'm in the Monolith's DMs. here goes, in rough English:
STAY OFF EUROPA OR GET SHOT. all those other planets don't matter, go nuts. it's EASY to make peace, you dumb humans.
Monolith: why is it so steamy in here? where am i?...
Monolith: it's cool in science fiction when you say Where am i?. you're not just talking about a city or a country or a time on this planet, you're talking about another planet...
Kurt Vonnegut: or a bubble on another planet...
Peter Hyams: i invented email...
synclavier: i'm the grandfather clock of Vaporwave music, i'm the first computer, i'm the ORIGINAL BEAT. you see? no need for sampling, sorry, Jay-Z.
Monolith: i'm digging this new Vaporwave Jungle A E S T H E T I C .........g'night, simpleton humans...
Monolith: i mean at least pick up a paperback Cosmos book, Carl Sagan was getting somewhere. show some initiative, man.
Hayao Miyazaki puts on his spectacles.
Hayao Miyazaki: do i look like The Rock? do i look like Indiana Jones? my mother wanted me to be an archaeologist who crushed bones. you see what's on this wrapper?
Jen R: yes.
me: no.
Hayao: it's the Nissin brand of ramen you find disgusting. all these years you liked the Maruchan brand of ramen.
me: OOOOOOOOOHHHHHHHHH.
dad: Nissan makes good cars, not good soup. a car company can't make soup.
Jen R: okay. happy weekend, my babies. hey Hayao, join us for the fast food we're gonna have Saturday, any recommendations? any 7-Eleven delicacies?
me: i'm gonna get that Cheez-It Taco Bell crunch pocket.
Hayao: don't kid yourself, kid. don't fool yourself like those fools who want the protagonist to be a bad guy. Japan came up with a GIANT Cheez-It as a bed of rice in the '80s.
No comments:
Post a Comment