Wednesday, June 19, 2024



Jen R: see it's different for me.
me: yeah.
Jen: a woman's life ends at 35 when she can't have kids anymore. because there's no point in living alone. what am i gonna do, eat chips all day? you men get to go on living until you're 100.
Hinata: eat more ramen, it springs fertility.
Naruto: the ramen tastes the same to me. i haven't been off this ship since Boruto started...

Willie Mays: HEY!!! get it? i say hey to all my friends. Babe Ruth got NOTHING on me, i am the greatest baseball player of all time.
Tim Kurkjian: that is an objective fact. i was hypnotized by baseball at an early age the way a candy kid gets addicted to Smurfs. enthralled by ball.
Willie Mays: i WISH Leeza Gibbons was my wife. smoke and mirrors? don't say that especially to me. i was a REAL magician, with a flair for the dramatic, i wore my cap one size too small. my cartoon was The Gary Coleman Show but good. i earned my stripes in the backwards South. yeah The Catch, who's Odell Beckham Jr.? is he a soccer player? hand size is everything. i told my godson Barry Bonds to only take Flintstones Vitamins. 
Barry Bonds: hello. i'm a man of few words.
Willie Mays: Babe Ruth, is that you?...

quackhead: a hardcore fan of DuckTales. nothing to do with drugs.
Donald Duck: why do you think i don't wear pants?
Carl Barks: because i never wore pants.
Justin Timberlake: i have NEVER not worn pants, okay man?
Janet Jackson: ...
Janet Jackson: you a tree that's about to go TIMBER!!!
Deepak Chopra: there's a VAST difference between Guru Ma and Guru Maa. not all cults burn their temple down.
Zalman King: the alternate title to Red Shoe Diaries would have been FuckTales.

Pati Jinich at Pic-N-Save.
Ear Horn behind the deli counter wearing an apron that's bigger than her: we got eleven pound whole slab of deli ham, one day only.
Pati Jinich: got any alligator pears? PBS moved my show to New Orleans...
Ear Horn: of course, dearie, here's a couple cute tiny brown bags for the avocados, my witches created a load this morning...
Pati: i'm not showing my tits for tortillas. no Tits for Tortillas.
Bayou Billy: that sucks. why swim through swamps then?
Brooke Trantor: today's my glo day, i'm 25 years old...

Jerry Seinfeld and Superman filming an American Express commercial in Central Park.
Superman: watch where you're stepping, Jerry, that's the Imagine Mosaic. John Lennon is the real superman, the sonic superman, the superman of sound.
Jerry Seinfeld: is Gallagher still the Mayor of Strawberry Fields for all these years?
Superman: that's the only government position that should be lifetime.
Shel Silverstein: vote for me. before it's too late for the world.

Rod Serling: the Twilight Zone episode "Nightsong" has the saddest ending i've ever experienced. i mean that ending is HEARTBREAKING. it's the first time i've ever cried over sci-fi...

Mark Messier: we're gonna win Game 6. i'm the only time "Mess" is a good thing. the other team is coached by the guy from Too Close for Comfort. our biggest fan is skinny Charles Nelson Reilly.

Lindy Lenz: i answer the door naked.
Jen R: that's either hot or crazy.

Boc: get out here and enjoy this beautiful day. let the sunshine wash your zits. 
Paul: nah. sunshine for me just means more toilets.

Boc: look at my walker's shadow, i look like Nosferatu. great, my bare feet are stuck in an oil slick like that NES video game Spy Hunter.
Lucio Rossi: remember when we played Spy Hunter at my house in the '80s Saturday afternoons after we did our homework for the upcoming week...

me: remember Ernest Saves Christmas?
Jen R: Jim Varney.
me: i was a HUGE HARDCORE Ernest fan.........looking back, i was the only one. nobody in my class heard of him, i had this unusually fervent adoration of Ernest nobody else on Earth understood.
Jen: don't start smoking. don't pick up that first cigarette...

Abbot Butt to the civilian visitors: are you not entertained? the monastery is not your personal sideshow, when we line up for our ritual procession, that is not the time to start your TikTok livestream.

Jules Smith: how can you not like PG Tips? you know? it comes in a colorful green, red, and white paper box good all year round, not just for Christmas crackle. 
Tom Cruise: kept boy or bust.

Boc: you never expect a woman to come out of one of those monster trucks...

me: you're my Obi-Wan Kenobi. you're my only hope.
Jen R: i'm a light breeze. i'm one swirl of spaghetti.

Luke Russert: why'd you write VINEGAR SUB on your calendar?
Tai: it's not what you think...

Grant Heslov: i was Dev Patel before Dev Patel.
Dev Patel: you were Dev Patel on The Twilight Zone. Jason Momoa's vodka tastes better than George Clooney's coffee.

TetraNinja: the Tears of the Kingdom ending was so romantic.
Link: you like how when Zelda wakes up in the field i'm completely shirtless to greet her?
Princess Zelda: i mean that drop was so high into the meadow lake we'd die from the impact of that plunge, meadow water don't play.
Rene Auberjonois: the end-credits music is so Invincible...
Joe Jackson: with a little of my experimental robot Bopit music mixed in.
Herbie Hancock: ...

Jackie Fitzgerald: my Mazda MX5 is so LOW to the ground it's a Snoop car.
Snoop Dogg: call me Doggy, pretty older lady.
Jackie: i mean the REAL TEST came in 1989 when i was trying to be cool showing off my Miata to my Saved by the Bell classmates...

Michael Imperioli: i'm not gangsta, i'm imperious, there's a difference. one is not Italian, one is Broadway, all allow disruptive protests.

Paul: don't use paper in the toilet, wear your itchy butthole with pride. FEEL your itchy butthole. let your itchy butthole well up into your skull.

Eric Burdon and the Animals: i mean isn't creating fire more important than Flintstones bowling? isn't the flag of Indonesia, the creation of the Indonesian Republic, more important than another shit season of Game of Thrones? New York Rangers Stanley Cup Finals ice hockey is boring, the real innovation is women's bowling on ABC when the women had '80s hair, that was a thrill. the only screen that matters is the one Spy Hunter is played on.

State Farm.
woman in Winnie the Pooh robe: my house smells of poo, my robe is a lie. ooh the water's leaking from the roof, that's foul.
Leslie Sbrocco: it's not the drippings pan.
Paul: not the drain pan. it's my bedpan.

Kendrick Perkins: i had 11 pens. 
Mark Hapka: you had 11:11 pens.
Big Perk: now i have zero.
Mark Hapka: zero is a vibe, man.
Malika Andrews: not related to Erin Andrews, i got my job the hard way. aren't these DoorDash delivery brown bags cute?
Big Perk: they're not like my brown bags i had for school lunch, they're big. wait there's nothing in this bag!!!
Malika: 0-dollar delivery fee.

young Deepak Chopra: new rule: if you can't build a crib for your baby, don't have a baby.
Michael Jackson: ...
Meta Quest: this isn't a how-to, this is a video game...

Jen tastes the ship soup.
Jen R: needs less salt. or more salt of the right salt. we need something to eat when me and the rest of the crew party in the crow's nest. are you my barrelman?
me: i double-barrel it for you.
Jen: are you JT before the DWI before we felt bad for him, before we had sympathy for him and hoped he got help?
me: i'm your Donkey Kong.
Jen: keep an eye out for any food you see in the sea on the horizon for us to eat. food in the ocean. offal in the offing. offal is not awful if it comes from Pic-N-Save.
Ear Horn: thank you, dearie. i'm on a cigarette break.
me: with my third eye?
Jen: with your binocular eye.


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