we're in Lankershim, Los Angeles.
Prince: the Land of a Thousand Lakes!!!
Jeanie Buss: we're a couple.
Link: named after me but not for anything i did in the SECOND Zelda video game...
me: do you have your car? to get around this place?
Jen R: no. it's fine to walk, lots of concrete slabs and highways. oh look at that exotic-looking hotel over there!!! let's stay there.
i ring the bell but i'm ready to be the bellboy.
Jen: hey do you guys have a knot pillow?
bellboy: desolee, mademoiselle, but in this place it's a grand no. they are very hard to find. we're in America but i speak French here because it's comfortable.
Jen: one of those tiny totem pillows for the small of your back, you know? hey, what's this?
bellboy: a note for you, madam.
Jen: it says come to my garden
Jen trips over a Fun Size KitKat bar. and i trip over a Sausalito cookie.
Jen R: you slipped on the macadamia nuts.
dad: if that were a Montauk cookie you'd have been home free...
Pat Sajak: so that's it. bye.
Alex Trebek: that was a lovely farewell.
Pat: how was your last day?
Alex: well i didn't exactly get to CHOOSE my last day.
Pat: hey Alex, sing me out.
Alex, singing: Thanks.........for the Mammaries.........sorry, had to.
Bob Hope: there is no hope.
Mice Follies: the most iconic Tom & Jerry, freezing the water in the kitchen and skating on it.
Jerry: what's the problem? i cut Tom's nails, i did him a favor.
Dorothy Hamill: i watched that cartoon instead of going to my prom. my mother was SO disappointed in me.
Michael Weiss: do not post pictures of yourself on Instagram. rather post your original writing, poetry that excites you, oil paintings that inspire you. announce yourself to the world as you pick up a couple straggler friends on your way out to die. post your intelligence.
me: something happens when we kiss.
Jen R: yeah. we create a world.
Orel Hershiser: go through your progressions if you're looking to get out of Dodgers uh Dodge...
Super Mario and the trash men: see the trash in the green wheelie bin this morning? like the green stalks of a Giant's celery.
the Giant from Gilligan's Island: Fe Fi Fo Fum, don't leave my gate unlocked all night, you dumb.
Super Mario: sorry, i was spinning on shrooms.
Giant: that's not your normal jump?
Toad, comparing: look at this banana, my cock will never be as big as this banana.
Luigi: you're male?
Toad holding the banana: image presenting THIS GIRTH to Brooke Trantor.
Luigi: she thinks you're cute because you're small...
Iga Swiatek: oh no, am i becoming the Female Djokovic?
Naomi Osaka: that should have been MY French Open.
Master Splinter: don't ratfuck with the election.
lead singer of Toto: i'm John Williams's son. i know i know. i sang the Gummi Bears theme song for that Disney cartoon in the '80s. i know i know. Gummi Bears actually took place in Medieval Africa...
lead singer of Toto: when i sing the Gummi Bears theme song, i get in my On Donner!!! On Blitzen!!! mode...
Fuerza: human beings have such fragile bodies.........it's a miracle that you're here right now...
fried egg: tastes like crab at first...
Jen P: why were you so cowardly in college? you were a college coward.
me: i wasn't a coward, i was too fucking PASSIVE.
Jen P: you gave up too soon. once you realized i wasn't gonna be your girlfriend, you left. you should have hung around and joined my friend group. see? that's how it works...
hot fudge sundae: you've only EVER had a hot fudge sundae at McDonald's...
Morgan Spurlock: ...in the '80s. remember those little nuts sprinkled on top?...
at the strip club.
Mardith: how do you do the belly-dancer coin trick? how do you flip the row of coins on your belly over using only your belly?
Helena Vlahos: my belly is a black hole.
pebbling: just clove cigarettes...
Brooke Trantor: stop pebbling...
Chilly Willy: ...
Selena Gomez: if i had reached age 35 without having met someone, i would have implemented my plan.
Justin Bieber: which was?
Selena Gomez: marry Martin Short.
me: i love when you DM me a preview of your artwork before you post it to Instagram.
Jen R: yeah. problem is i preview it to you on TikTok which is banned now. i put all my art, 15 damn years worth of my art, on fucking TikTok...
Hayao Miyazaki: i could have been the best anime-episode writer. all you do is comb Wikipedia for ideas. the paddleboard-yoga anime episode...
As Good as It Gets: the entire human population of Earth saw this movie. and they saw this movie in a theatre.
Jack Nicholson: why am i so good at playing assholes? you forgot i was your favorite actor...
Helen Hunt: i could have been Sandra Bullock...
Greg Kinnear: this movie created Talk Soup. without this movie i would have been a professional athlete playing baseball not cricket in India...
Luke Russert at Lucky grocery store: i need texture in my life.
Dirg: see that little blonde woman over there dressed in all-black Knight Rider jacket, jeans, and tennis shoes? with the nice average butt. if every man had one of those, we'd be okay.
The Pope: i'm not scared of what you carry in your pants, i can take your liquid, ya feel me?
pretzels: you think you like pretzels, but it turns out you actually don't like pretzels...
Zeus: so in Paris for the Olympics it's gonna be a geothermal cooling system instead of air conditioning.
Boris Johnson: what does that mean?
Zeus: naked like the good ol' days.
Morrissey: no, we weren't known for getting your head shaved at a library, getting your eyeglasses from the mall, and riding bicycles on the River Seine. we were known for our watches...
a date: a date is not a weird peanut.
Lindy Lenz: a date is something you do to show that you're serious...
Lindy Lenz answering the door naked: LAND SHARK!!! faked you out. reverse psychology. like that naked telegram in that Bette Midler movie Beaches...
my hardcore roommate at Berkeley who was my best friend for one year who wore eyeglasses, had face acne, jammed to local Bay Area punk music, and always had a wry yet sad smile on his face: going to concerts is useless, the songs always sound better on the CD. the monks taught me how to slamdance. the monastery is the best place for a slamdance concert.
Lindy Lenz by the Cash Your Coins machine as she's getting evicted: how can i ever repay you for the time, kindness, and jokes you've shown me in my hour of need?
me: marry me.
bacon: have you ever pat-dried the bacon BEFORE you fried it?...
big woolly socks: they protect you, they keep your tootsies warm, they itchy as fuck, and they leave red grooves in your shins...
KITT driving Michael Knight: Argyle socks especially...
me eating a big-ass plate of hash on my bed in my hotel room: what does hash taste like?
Jen R: hash.
me: i like your argyle leggings.
Jen checks under her pillow.
Jen: huh, two more candies, a rare Cream Tootsie Roll Pop and a stick of Vaporwave gum.
me: that gum is cool. it cools your mouth.
Jen: what could it all mean? my back is killing me...
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