Wednesday, June 12, 2024


Jen R: i loved this corner of Lankershim with the liquor store, it brings back such fond childhood memories. the baseball-card shoppe next to the palm trees that look like Olympic Torches. no need to eventize everything like the Today Show.
me: i went into that liquor store not for any baseball cards but for Garbage Pail Kids. the shopkeep always had on Bruno Magli shoes and hated them.
Jen: i'd get Straight As in high school so i wouldn't have to do homework, i could come home and watch how a REAL high school should be run on Beverly Hills, 90210.
me: i'm painting my Donna Martin Graduates protest sign as you speak.
Jen: those were the protests back then...

Jen R: let's go to a movie. it's about the art on the indie playhouse, not the actual movie itself. 
me: you look like Mariska Veres from Shocking Blue, the Brewster McCloud eyelashes.
we're in the lobby of our hotel. there's a sports convention going on.
Jen: will our room be kept for later tonight? we have some important business to get to in there.
bellhop: nah. 
Jen: as long as our room has a dining room, i'm cool. that's becoming the vanishing room. the art of conversation is dead. the family unit is falling apart!!!
Hitchcock: Vanishing Room, i just stole that title...

at the sports con.
Jerry West in the grill room with Will Smith: i wasn't The Logo, the NBA logo, i was a dabbler in shadowplay, a practitioner of the penumbra, i practiced the dark arts, brought them out into the light.
Dock Ellis: i am a Hero of the Counterculture, i pitched a no-hitter while under the influence of LSD.
Jen R: talk about acid action!!! you finally made baseball interesting!!! i mean this is legendary stuff.
Dock Ellis: my voice started to sound like Alan Watts. Richard Nixon was behind the plate as the catcher...
me: as he should!!! where he belongs!!! get a couple whizzers blow by his head.
Dock: ...and i was pitching to Jimi Hendrix holding his purple guitar for a bat. that's the key to a no-no, you pitch each ball like you have no fucking idea what you're doing, throws the batters off.
Tim Kurkjian doing acid: ... 

me: hey, can i get one of those FUCK FACE bats?
Jen R: was that a Garbage Pail Kids thing?
me: no, sadly that was a baseball-card thing...

at the movie theatre, i'm dancing around the lobby in a muumuu.
Jen R: i like guys with long hair.
me: i could never achieve long hair, my hair was always short and frizzy. when it rained i went bald.
Jen: there's something about the lobby of a movie theatre, you know? there's this welling of excitement in the air, fairy froth, the anticipation of the possibility of watching a work of art which will change your life forever. whether it's Ernest Saves Christmas or The Joy Luck Club.
Takahashi: it's impossible to NOT CRY at the end of The Joy Luck Club.

Jen R: don't you even try to compete with THIS BUTTER, Orville Redenbacher. fresh popcorn my fairy-fond ass. but why are all the candy stalls empty?
bellhop: don't know. it's a mystery. they must be grown elsewhere. but there's a packet of Skittles under your foot.
Jen: the one day i wear heels instead of going barefoot. Skittles get me skittish.
me: yeah, i can't eat the sour ones anymore, they WRECK my teeth to the point no dental work can reverse the damage.

bellhop: in case you haven't noticed yet i am not a human bellhop. i'm also not a bellboy nor a boy. i'm the capuchin monkey Curious George.
Jen R: what up, CG.
Curious George: yeah i HATE this bellhop uniform they make me wear, i want to tear it to shreds!!! but anyways.
Jen: you don't ever have to feel the need to feel humiliated with me.
Curious George: so, Sausalito cookies.
me: i know, right? there are only EIGHT cookies in those giant puffed-up Pepperidge Farm packets!!!
Jen: and those 8 cookies are THIN AS FUCK. 
Curious George: yeah what i like to do is pile the 8 cookies into one pile to form one real cookie.

me: hey this Safeway redeem ticket for $3.50, the new cashier took it and gave it back to me. does this mean i can get another $3.50 free?
Curious George: should be okay. damn goth girls.

William Shakespeare: hey, you out there, you don't need to wear Elizabethan puff-pastry pads on your shoulders. and egg-holder pants for the men. you don't need to wear weird dainty clothes to play cricket, okay?

singing telegram: just not anything off the Leonard 6 soundtrack.
Bill Cosby: because it's jazz, it's hip-hop, it's Hamilton rapping.

Macron: making a snap decision seldom is the wise move. i just hope everything works out. we can't do this AFTER the Olympics? the Olympics are gonna be messy now...
Rishi Sunak: can i call off the election now?

Tom Snyder: fire up a colortini and watch the pictures as they fly through the air. don't you love how that's just my made-up thing? hey, do they sell Tropical Skittles at 7-Eleven at 2AM in the morning? Tropical Skittles not Sour Skittles, not that sour shit, i had to send my dental bills this month to Letterman. i had the best laugh. my laugh was a GRAND CHORTLE where i really used the back of my throat.

lead singer of Toto: high adventure. high, get it? high from the Gummiberry Juice. HIGH even though we're in the MIDDLE Ages.

Freddie Prinze: i was born to play Cantinflas in the movie...

Daft Punk: our comeback album will be first-performed in the Sphere in Vegas...

Daft Punk: there would be no Sphere in Las Vegas were it not for the two-man band Daft Punk. we did that Super Bowl one year that was so good you forgot it.

Julie Patzwald: i'm goth before the makeup...
John McEnroe wearing Lancome makeup: ...

Gavin Newsom: you gotta pay A LOT of taxes in California.
California: but it's worth it, it's Cali.

Luke Russert: they called my dad Tim Russert Big Papa Teddybear over at Meet the Press. we called him that in our family, too. 
Carlitos Alcaraz: and i'm Tiny Papa Teddybear.
Tim Russert: the world wanted to give me a bear hug.
dad: Tim Russert and i come from the same bear cave in Buffalo...

Joey Chestnut: i'm switching to vegan, i'm FINALLY doing something with my life...
Takeru Kobayashi: i can reconnect your number again.
Joey Chestnut: you thought this day would never come. you thought you'd hate me for the rest of your life.

Roger Federer at Dartmouth: Princeton? never heard of it. you gotta let the point you lost on the tennis court GO, so you focus on the NEXT POINT. except that one lucky shot Djokovic hit against me at the U.S. Open, that shot was ridiculous. live in the present moment or you'll end up a bum like Alexander Zverev.
Carlos Alcaraz wearing a mortarboard and small robe with tiny tassel: there is no more adorable tennis player than Roger Federer...

Peabo Bryson: the "Beauty and the Beast" theme song can make a track athlete falsely accused of doping carry on and come in first in life.
Butch Reynolds: run through the tape. whatever you do, run through the motherfucking tape...

Harlan Ellison: that Dick Tracy movie with Warren Beatty TOTALLY COPIED the Twilight Zone episode i wrote "Crazy as a Soup Sandwich..."

Suzy Lu: now that i think twice about it, i should have worn the Pride sweater, not the Bride sweater...
Kakashi: my mask is one of Suzy Lu's jumpers...

at the lobby, we're waiting for the 1:17 showing.
Jen R: hey, can i borrow some of your milk?
Curious George: that's a loaded question, are we still talking movie snacks?
Jen: the path has dried up like my swollen feet.
Curious George: take a look again at the hotel you two are staying at. notice anything about it?.........
Jen: .........
Curious George: .........well for starters it's called the Curious Hotel.........


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