me: who are we meeting at the tower this morning? someone inspirational?
Jen R: nah, some old fogey.
Jean-Luc Picard: see that tower up there? that's another pathetic attempt to control starships, humans will NEVER reach the deep stars, they're too weak and feeble-minded. it's a pipe dream. i've been to the future!!! I'VE SEEN IT!!! Star Trek is a motherfucking TV show, man!!!
Klingons: it's still weird how WE got the cloaking technology but the humans DIDN'T.
Jean-Luc Picard: right? and why can't you fire your lasers when you're cloaked? makes no sense. make it so.
Jen R: i mean i gotta watch 2010, right? 2001: A Space Odyssey left such an indelible mark on my space soul i simply can't go on without watching the sequel.
Jean-Luc Picard: nah. it's PG. Helen Mirren doesn't get naked.
Cosmic Baseball: we had to do SOMETHING to loosen the scant crowds at our college seminars. college baseball is dying.
Hello Meteor: you really can't see a thing out here, the light is so dull. the players are distracted by the holy Vaporwave in front of them, not the baseball play.
in the stands.
Dorcas Hoar: i wear the name Hoar with pride, that just means i'm a strong woman men are terrified of letting loose in the world. it's the Dorcas that's kinda embarrassing and dorky.
Doryce: she's one of us!!! my first name is actually Boil.
Gladyce: oh yeah. my first name is actually Wart.
in the stands.
me: you are my Sandra Abrevaya.
Jen R: that's the most beautiful thing anybody has ever called me. only Dana Reeve knew what love meant.
Sandra Abrevaya: unfortunately, my last name is not a quick-fix pill...
Marilyn Monroe: no man could resist me calling him Daddy.
Jean Harlow: no woman either for that matter. even though the Daddy thing would have made no sense.
Erin McMurrer: i got the Suze Orman voice...
the Filet-o-Fish at McDonald's: otherwise known as the McCatholic...
Kurt Cobain: get your Dutch oven the color of my guitar...
Abbot Butt: we monks have discovered the Fountain of Youth. inside our monastery. we shave our heads and we look 20 years younger...
Ponce de Leon: ...
Penafiel: pineappleade.
Pati Jinich: in Mexico we add any fruit to -ade.
Melissa Maker: the Oilers are winning the Cup. no not the Stanley Cup, the silver lion drinking cup that's really just a fancy thermos that requires my Lexus to have a cupholder. and the Grizzlies are moving back to Vancouver!!! no more riots, guys, come on.
Dominic Da Vinci: follow the lady.
Dewar: made from reinforced dewdrops.
Steejo tipping his Mr. McFeely hat: madam, i'm delivering your packet of BlueChew. into your hands. i'm a mailman now, a mailman from a Legend of Zelda village.
Melissa Maker: i know what that is, i beat all the boys at that video game. vacuum flask, get it?
Greykid: loaf is a lifestyle. loaf is a yoga position. loaf is a pose. loaf is how i lounge on the carpet. loaf is how i rest. i don't eat bread.
Jon Hamm: i almost killed a man in college, but it was Black Mirror so that doesn't count towards my body count. a hazing gone bad? nah, i didn't go to college. which was a bummer. i mean i didn't join a frat. wanna know the name of my college band? Hamm. like Haim.
my old summer UCLA drama teacher: but i'm young. like Shelley Duvall in the '80s. summer. really summer. a bright day. a theatre walk in your step, a coin in your pocket, hope in your heart.........mostly the hope.
Robert De Niro: you can't act without hope.
me: i didn't know what the word "affair" was until i looked into her eyes...
drama teacher: yeah, my Brewster McCloud eyes. they filmed Sleeper in this UCLA summer room...
Betty White: who knows, you might see me walking around Carmel again...
me: you know i never realized this because i was a kid at the time, but all men in the '80s had mullets...
Jen R: not my dad. then again i wasn't paying attention.
me: yeah the monastery is a place for tired dads to unwind. a monastery is a YMCA bathroom...
Jules Smith: last chance to board the train for Britain...
Melissa Maker: remember, in order to give yourself something to look forward to next week, order your Subway sub without vinegar, save the vinegar on the Subway meatballs for next week, won't that be worth the wait? delicious.
Deborah Raffin: remember, vinaigrette is not vinegar.
Ear Horn: i store all my spells in my vinaigrette, a perforated box. a pillbox way before World War II. or even I. smelling salts don't work on me.
Deborah Raffin: right? they said they put salt and pepper on my Subway sandwich but i don't taste it.
Marsha Porter: NOOOOOOOOO!!! why did they stop the Video Movie Guide at 2007?!!! you will never find movie reviews that glorious again!!! my writing was succinct and flawless.
Leonard Maltin: right? i'm just not the same...
Marsha Porter: that book was a paperback TOME, the Paperback Timely Tome of Pictures.
Dick Christie: my favorite genre of film? Straight-to-video...
Serano: Formula 1 Medicine is not Viagra...
Pepsi: Dr. Pepper is the new #2? i don't care, i gave up soda. soda sucks.
Coke: i've been at this game a LOOOOOOOOONG time. since before Santa...
El Gordo y La Flaca: the world is literally going crazy, but there will always be this show, a calm oasis, where all we do is Spanish-celebrity infinity pools, telenovela stars fighting at a local cafe, and hot soccer gossip. the same pair you've loved since the '80s...
Pati Jinich: the fat guy even went full Ricky Gervais and got skinny JUST so he could do this show forever. we all owe this pair a debt of gratis gratitude. i tried to book a cooking segment with you guys but it went to voicemail.
Lili Estefan: i'm taller than Caitlin Clark. this show is either filmed in Mexico or Miami...
Jesus: if you're too religious, you'll never fuck...
Angel Reese: for chirping? chirpings are an official WNBA stat now?...
Tony Hawk: how do i get the most out of my ollie? Nalley. Nalley Beans.
Ryan Newman: remember Zeke and Luther?...
Dirg: my college lover...
Mardith: you mean your college liver...
David Lynch: you should let me do the Dune i really wanted to do...
Jodorowsky: I'M STILL ALIVE!!! you should let me do MY Dune before it's too late!!!
Jimmy Carter: everybody's living to 100 these days...
David Lynch: what about that 2013 film Jodorowsky's Dune?
Jodorowsky: that was a documentary on why my Dune never got made...
David Lynch: talk about a tease.
Wayne Gretzky: i was the Great One, Gretzky sounds like Great, you only got that now, huh...
Amanda Knox: so every time summer hits in Italy...
Lucio Rossi: i haven't been back home in ages.
Ryan Newman, the actress, from Zeke and Luther: so i changed my name to Ryan Whitney to avoid confusion with the NASCAR guy.........ICE HOCKEY?!!!
Bravecto: does your dog chew on a Flintstones bone?...
Ace: we got the best grill for outdoor eggs in the summer. the grill will start to chafe, bubble, and stain like your frying pan tho...
Wegovy. dad and son working on the car in the driveway with a wrench.
Mr. Holland: sorry, son, i gotta go, our project and spending time together will have to wait while i join this roving parade that's passing our house, a parade of moving fat people who have lost weight.
deaf son: come on, dad, that's lame, you're avoiding the question, did you in fact fuck your student?
Mr. Holland: maybe you're right, parades in these times aren't safe...
Quasimodo emerges from the tower and jumps down.
Quasimodo: i mean of course i live in there. hey can you autograph my Earthquake poster? i worked really hard on this.
Jen R: sorry, you just missed Charlton. you know, and i don't say this to all the guys, but you really are hot.
Quasimodo climbs back up the tower like King Kong and sings his torch ballad.
Quasimodo holding the mic with his deformed hand: this one goes out to.........Shelley Duvall.........baby, i will catch your long-ass cigarette's ashes on my tongue any day.........*singing* you are so beautiful.........to me.........can't you see?.........i can't go on...
Jen: omg he's crying. he has SUCH a beautiful voice.
Quasimodo wearing a Chef Boyardee hat: i mean that's the thing with carbonaro, right? why did Campbell's have to add cream to it? just have Carbonaro as a flavor that's plain, white, cheese. does it count if it's spaghetti? can spaghetti be soup?...
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