LANKERSHIM: CANDYBOWL

 

Curious George: do you know where all this candy is coming from?

Jen R: no. it's dropping at my feet.

Curious George: i GROW the candy like plants. in the backyard of this hotel is my home, that dirt sqaure of land.

Jen: oh yeah now i remember. that cute little garden i saw when i had to get ice. called Candybowl.

we jump the fence and land in the hotel back.

me: you'd tell me if i was still on drugs, right?

Jen R: nah.

me: because i'm seeing chocolate bars and Twizzlers and gum growing on trees. and vines. like flowers.

Curious George: that's exactly right. what striking color is this hotel?

Jen: gold. i mean yellow.

Curious George: that's right. like The Man with the Yellow Hat.

Jen R: oh yeah, what ever happened to him?

Curious George: please don't ask that in such a cavalier manner. i stayed here on this block of land waiting for him to come back. i waited 5 years, he still hasn't showed. he's dead, right?

Jen: yeah. but at least you have all this candy. oh now i get it, you use the candy as alcohol so you don't have to think about it. got any tips?

Curious George: combine two Reese's Big Cups into one normal Reese's. put ALL the candy in a candy bowl by your hotel bed desk for the both of you to share, both eat it at the same time, feed each other the candy monkey-style.

me: that'll get us closer.

Curious George: i mean EVERYTHING, have donuts in there with the chocolate bars and Skittles. 

Jen: take the donut out of the baggie first?

Curious George: no, let it stick to the other candy with its glaze. 

Curious George: and of course, the greatest candy i grow of them all, Flintstones vitamins.

Jen R: they still sell those? at Thrifty's?

Curious George: yeah, but they took the '80s beef tallow out...

Jen: doesn't have that magnificent magnesium taste of school chalk.

me: do you mind celebrating Father's Day with my dad? where's your dad?

Jen R: he put on a yellow hat, walked out that door, and never came back.

dad: so i'm thinking the Yankees-Red Sox game.

Jen: nah, for your pops i'm thinking taking him to Equinox Health in New York City, a very expensive spa club, he can do the ellipse JUST for your feet that old people do, mini bicycle-crank. 

Lance Armstrong: not THAT crank.

dad: i wanna go to the golf course. The Pope is gonna be there and she's looking pretty today. she's looking handsome with that flag pin on her robe lapel.

The Pope: the Vatican flag on my man's blazer. Catholic cloak. i'm going for the androgynous look of all humans.

dad: let's go to Boudin in San Francisco for some weird-ass bread.

Jen: oh yeah i feel you, pops, they got French loaf the shape of a lobster, crab, and turtleshell, Super Mario told me about this place when we were both inside the same green pipe.

Super Mario: green for ganja, not color.

Luigi: i'm the color of ganja.

Holt Hanley: this June has been weird. it's not supposed to be overcast in June. there isn't supposed to be rain in June. there aren't supposed to be hurricanes in June.

Mary Berry: think about it, i'm Julia Child's mother...

Nina Gordon: "Shimmer like a Girl" is a Veruca Salt song about cooking oil in a Dutch oven, if you know what i mean...

Christopher Kimball: i was a smartass on America's Test Kitchen. everyone was a smartass on America's Test Kitchen. i was a bit too much of a smartass on America's Test Kitchen.

hash: it's basically large bacon bits...

Curious George: speaking of candy, peanut butter. people don't do peanut butter right. you're supposed to spread ONE SLICE of bread with peanut butter, not two. and then smash. smash the two bread slices that is, that's how you make a peanut butter sandwich, that's how you feed the inner-city kids...

Neil deGrasse Tyson: Biocentrism is like when i found out Existentialism existed my freshman year of college...

Bill Nye: yeah, Biocentrism is like when i did SNL but it was the one in Seattle...

Boc: in the morning when i walk i am GOD. 

Robot Chicken chicken: BAWK.

Boc: no one else is around, it's just me out there, i'm the center of attention. when was the last time someone like ME was referred to as God...

Cheerios Minis: this is weird to eat...

Joan Colom: i'm the only man who has ever been named Joan...

Saturday Night Live: do not eat our bran cereal...

Julie Patzwald: hey what are you doing?

Bustamante: leave me alone, i'm mall walking.

Julie Patzwald: that's just for old people and churro manufacturers.

Bustamante: i'm a proud churro-eater and you should be one, too. i'm a churro consumer, a churro connoisseur. i'm restless, bitch.

Howie Mandel: i'm her papi chulo.

Bustamante: you wish, white boy.

Helen Shaver: the only pedestrian mall that still exists is that Legend of Billie Jean mall...

Michael Jackson: do you know why the '80s were so good? the United States of America was one united country against the Soviets.

E.T.: the only reason i came to Earth was to meet Jim Henson...

Pati Jinich: avocados feathery, sliding right off like a gaucho's purse.

Eddie Murphy: i created MLK Day!!!

seagull: this morning i sound like a duck.

Super Mario driving the trash truck with Paul in the back instead of the fire extinguisher: we have to go to gas stations to empty their trash. you never think about a gas station's trash cans...

Laurie Bird: i do. they have a special roll-up top for squeegee paper...

Olympics: there's too much soccer this summer...

In-N-Out Burger: no delay. unlike a certain freeway...

Ronald McDonald: no deal.

Bill Walton: i was the Wizard of Westwood, the Walton Wizard of Westwood.

John Wooden: i fucked that drama teacher at UCLA summer camp...

Bill Walton: oh yeah i forgot, Wooden Wizard of Westwood...

Eye Luggage: Plan 9 from Outer Space and go.

Ed Wood: i was a transvestite. my films were not meant to be cinematic masterpieces, rather they were the meeting places for all the freaks and outcasts in the Greater Los Angeles area. all those cast aside and forgotten you see under the bridge in the L.A. River. the gays, the crossdressers, all those who lived in the shadows, guilted with shame by their friends and families, out of fear of reprisal, not allowed to live in polite society with the politicians and the landbarons. we were the REAL celebrities in Hollywood!!! the unsung heroes who were never given a chance. this is my love letter to UNSEEN Los Angeles.

Bela Lugosi: this was my last film role but people completely misunderstand. i didn't do this because i was hard-up and couldn't get another part.

Ed Wood: i know, i did this for you as a tribute, you were my very best friend. this was your swan song, your celebrated cameo, a celebration of 50 years of creeping us out. i had to shoehorn you in there, the whole vampire thing doesn't really make sense with the aliens thing.

Bela: this entire script makes no fucking sense, son.

Ed: i really loved filming inside your real kitchen in Lankershim.

Bela: you like my orange trees growing inside my house in the breakfast nook? that's a nice touch.

Maila Nurmi: you have to understand, i wasn't goth before.

Nermal: i'm her cat. she protects me from Garfield with a spell. i just wished she'd teach me Pyewacket's spell...

Maila Nurmi: i became this elegant Vampira creature creation as a tribute to the recent death of James Dean, we were to be married, i was gonna give that boy 9 kids. after his untimely death WAY too young, my life lost all meaning for me, so i started worshipping Satan. i had a hole in the crotch of my black triangular dress of the night, but who cared? no one was gonna ever see this shit flick. Elvira copied me to the nth degree.

Elvira: but who had the bigger tits?

Julie Patzwald bowing to Maila Nurmi: don't answer that, Bustamante!!! you're addressing regal ravenous royalty, you're talking to our goth goddess grandmother!!!

Ed Wood: i made this movie with my friends, we all shacked up at the Black Lagoon Tavern at the corner of Hollywood Boulevard and hashed out the plot. such as it was. Bunny Breckinridge invented cattiness.

Bunny Breckinridge: i was the template for Mr. Furley.

Ed: Tor Johnson invented Uncle Fester.

Tor Johnson: with my name i should have been in Ingmar Bergman's troupe. kinda got a raw deal.

Ed: and James Dean invented the John Wayne cowboy army-man in my movie. it was easy to make the flying saucers, i LITERALLY used pie tins of shaving cream and pie.

Ed Wood: i brought the whole UFO-government conspiracy thing out into the open!!! out into the light!!!

Fox Mulder: i know, that's why Plan 9 is my favorite movie. in real life.

Ed: do all UFOs have lights?

Fox: no.

The Amazing Criswell: i'm here to sell you crackers. you are getting sleepy. what you are about to see is a documentary. like Super Size Me. and for my next trick.........get the saw...

Ed: this graveyard funeral scene is very effective, there's a lot of poignant dialogue here i wrote about man's desperate desire to escape death, to wiggle out of death, the steps he contemplates to avoid the inevitable, this striving to elude his ultimate fate. the sadness of it all. the finality of it all. 

Gloria Steinem: most women are just like that. inscrutable, unexplainable. women always mess things up with their screams. they can't just follow orders, they always have to go out exploring. really? oh BROTHER. i mean, come on, come on my brothers, you gotta do better, men. why do all the women in this have pointy Madonna bras?...

Ed: as you can see, Vivian Vance, Ethel from I Love Lucy, stars as the female alien.

Vivian Vance: don't you love how the aliens and humans look EXACTLY alike?

Ed: this really should have a sequel, we all want to know what happened at that barn party in Albuquerque referenced here. were there aliens in Albuquerque? as you can see, we're on the set of Airplane! with Leslie Nielsen. you can see the boom mic overhead and on one of the pilot's laps is the actual script, he's reading it to the camera instead of learning his lines, no judgement.

alien: the bottom line is, humans are dumb. one chain reaction from you humans and the entire universe explodes.

Fuerza: and then Biocentrism takes over...

alien: and it's not like we got an extra sun, this isn't 2010...

Ed Wood: as you can see, at the end here the zombies were big fans of Dragon's Lair...

Ed: the script for this movie is dense, each sentence is its own wordplay. i spent 40 years writing this movie...

Rod Serling: rewriting it or just writing it?...

Rod Serling: this is like a FIRST DRAFT of one of my scripts...

Rod Serling: in my movie of this, the universe doesn't explode, it evaporates...

Ed Wood: you can't make fun of this movie, this movie is unassailable, this movie is the world's first B-movie.

Gen Z kid: ...

Ed Wood: this wasn't low-budget, this was no-budget. g'night, folks. and remember, if you have no money, follow your dreams anyway...

Johnny Depp: so i suppose it behooves you to watch my film Ed Wood to understand the Plan 9 backstory. but whatever, do whatever, do what you want, i don't care. i'm by the fire. because i'm lighting the fire, my cigarette lighter. i smoke only pirate cigars. i drink only blue Irish whiskey. i smell only of desert wolf cologne. happy weekend, my babies. tomorrow, which Saucy Nugs came first? KFC or Wendy's? can you eat a Chipotle burrito with only one bean?...

Jen R: can i borrow that muumuu you have on?

me: of course but why?

Jen: it's a pregnancy muumuu.........

me: oh shit.........i thought my happy day would never come.

Jen: you like my purse flip? see how i flipped by Kate Spade purse like that? that is only possible because every item of clothing made for a woman has no pockets...

Jen: a woman needs pockets.........both meanings.

Jen shows off her legs to me in the Billabong pants she's wearing under the muumuu.

Jen: how's that grab you? that is one sexy bloated left leg.