Jen R: you wanna get outta here?
me: more than anything in life.
Jen: the mysterious Strange Tower, it's a rocketship to Aldebaran.
me: i figured as much.
little did we know, at the exact same time, Hayao Miyazaki spots us with his anime spectacles blasting off. he quickly from his vantage point in Marietta, Georgia blasts off from the Big Chicken KFC.
Hayao Miyazaki: the people of the South were suspicious of me, they didn't know i was Japanese and eccentric. Japan was doing that Big Chicken stuff in the '80s. except ours was an actual functioning Gundam.
inside the rocket.
me: i'm bored. there's nothing to do here. how long is this trip?
Jen R: we're landing on the surface of Aldebaran? isn't it hot there? how much is a couple of light years? get out the Monty Python song.
at about the midway point Lindy Lenz joins our party from her hot-air balloon.
Lindy Lenz: it's one of those Jules Verne hot-air balloons that travels in space. it has a disco-parquet Saturday Night Fever dancefloor in the basket.
Jen R: hey are you starting to feel woozy?.........even i don't drink THIS early. how can you tell if it's daytime in space?...
me: blurry.........hold my hand like we're at a Blur concert...
the first person to greet us when we land on the surface of Aldebaran is Hayao Miyazaki.
Jen R: fancy meeting you here, sir. my marshmallow man.
Hayao Miyazaki: strictly business, no pleasure. no Broadway plays. i'm here doing research for my next project, Spirited Away but in space. don't mind me, i'll be on the other side of Aldebaran, the other pole, it's chilly down there, bring a coat. and a crayon that can't melt. i'm assuming that's the mountainous region, perfect draw spot.
Jen: we need a guide.
Hayao: Enya is two clicks THAT aways.
Enya: welcome to my home. make yourselves at home.
Jen R: what is there to do here?
Enya: you'll find something. if you keep walking. i'm going whitewater rafting by myself.
Jen: water survives here?
Enya: the water emanates from my bellybutton.
we walk gingerly towards Wembley Stadium.
me: i wanna go to Key West. i've never been to Florida. i wanna see Hemingway's six-toed cats!!!
Jen R: those little Key West islands are mystical, they don't seem part of the United States, they seem their own faraway exotic jungle country. Enchanted Tiki Room. are the cats inbred? how did they get six toes?
Greykid: buying socks at Macy's.
Jen: you know that was the very first cat cafe. Ernest Hemingway wasn't the best writer but he sure knew trends. saw them coming a mile away like an offing. how's your Coke diet coming?
me: i cheated on my diet, i cheated with Coke. i had a gulp, but it was a small gulp, no need to call the 7-Eleven cops.
Hayao: 7-Eleven cops have no weapons. except their skateboards.
Tony Hawk: that's not rad.
at Wembley Stadium.
Sir Paul McCartney: Taylor Swift? i did Wembley. i did Wembley bigger than Taylor Swift...
Ritchie Valens: Connor McJesus will bring me back from the dead in Game 7...
Connor McDavid: you're in a cold place now...
Medieval times: the only thing to eat are bread, chicken, and wine.
Cavin: kings get cheese and grapes...
Medieval times: the only thing to do is be an innkeeper...
Leslie Sbrocco: the treasure is hidden in the chimney breast.
Sonic the Hedgehog: level with me, are we keeping the level up? or is this just weird now?...
Lana Del Rey at Fenway: rain delay.
Ann Wilson: Heart's song "Alone" isn't a lonely depressing song, it's a song about trying to get some. it's an uplifting song.
Nancy Wilson: it's a song about trying to tell the boy you like at St. Cyril's something, trying to pass him a note in church...
Paul: your toothpaste fights cavities? it has fucking fluoride? well good for you. but does it loosen? does it loosen your teeth?
Roger Federer on the 12th Hole: i don't like divots. imagine Wimbledon with divots. i couldn't do my ballet on that hallowed grassy Wimbledon court dancefloor if there were divots.
Morrissey: Rimbledon is a whole other thing...
Uncle Sigh the horse: you need a stable companion in life...
a hotel parking lot at 7:30AM Saturday morning: people SCRAMBLING to get into their SUVs and get the fuck out of there after a bad bed decision...
Snoopy: i was birthed from a flower.........i'm the same species as E.T.
cop from the South (of Portugal): looks like we've got ourselves a wild one.
outlet on the caravel: yeah, it's rare for a wood ship to have a plug. this ship ferries James Dean to and fro back and forth from Transylvania...
Twilight Zone "Gramma": the only way to see a new episode of the GOOD Neverending Story...
Oda: you see that subtle scene in One Piece last night? Robin tenderly wakes Usopp up from unconsciousness touching his chest and helping him up, asking him if he's okay and saying she was worried about him. Robin and Usopp was always the pairing i wanted...
Sarah: i am the wizardess of the world, the saving sister, i keep the computer lights on, i make it possible for you to have a love life...
Woodies on the Wharf: not about boners. about wood-paneled Pink Floyd "High Hopes" cars that Castro banned in the 1930s.
E.Z. Taylor: until California surf culture ushered them back in on a sneaker wave. revived them back on a riptide.
Jen R: i'm just here for the surfers. hardbodies. and Sublime's final show at Boardmasters. and the Mayor of the Santa Cruz Beach Boardwalk who of course sports a handlebar mustache.
Call of Duty: Mobile: better class of online people here, these people are poor so they don't take life for granted, they actually want to make friends with you...
The Outer Limits "Mary 25".
Cynthia Geary: why'd you fuck Mary 25? she's a robot for fuck sake. we got two kids!!!
husband: LOOK AT HER. you're just the mousey woman from Northern Exposure...
the end of Zom 100: Mike + The Mechanics "The Living Years..."
Colonel Sanders: how exactly does one dispose of Denny's pancake syrup?...
Denny Denny's: and the scoop of buttercream for that matter.
Curious George: do you have the wherewithal to put a full unwrapped Snickers bar in the candy bowl with unboxed Denny's?
Boc: no dogs, no fucking dogs, no Dobermann Pinschers, i ain't about getting Pinsched.
Denny Denny's: it's a Denny's but with a bar...
Pam: that's the trick, you ask to crash at her place for a couple of days, you have nowhere else to stay. it's either her or the streets. you do whatever work is asked of you, and a couple of days becomes forever.
Christian Pulisic: who's more of a teddy bear, you or me?
Carlitos Alcaraz: you my zaddy.
the U.S. Postal Service: we ditched our mail trucks on the curb in front of your house, we got creepy white vans now...
Puck: you thought Sarah from Real World: Miami was Rebecca from Real World: Seattle...
Kurt Cobain: the associations are deadly and eternal.
at the U.S. Olympic Track Trials.
Yugi Mutou: i'm the boy AND the man. i'm the man. my purple hair is a tribute to Bowie, whoever he is.
Tea Gardner: my coffee milkshake brings all the weird card nerds to the yard. i need Sailor Moon to protect me from all this morning mess. that bitch got me through grade school. i had the Rachel Hair first.
Joey Wheeler: wanna see my Jack Nicholson Face? Wheels from Degrassi plays me in the live-action movie.
Noah Lyles: the Blue-Eyes White Dragon is REAL, man. let its magic flow through your veins as you race. let the cards enter your cells. who needs drugs when you got Yu-Gi-Oh cards. finally, FINALLY, we have a role model for track that's not Bill Cosby...
Hayao Miyazaki: listen to me very closely, you two lovebirds, very carefully, this is VITAL. make sure you're clear-eyed and lucid-headed.
Jen R: how long till delirium sets in? how long before the delirium starts to feel like therapeutic heat?
Rod Serling: eventually, hot starts to feel cold...
Hayao: did you have a bad dream last night? that's bad luck. was it of your mom getting sick? that nightmare was a guide, telling you the right direction to take in life. a warning before all is lost. how relieved were you when you woke up and your mom was okay? that terrible dream was pointing you in the direction of loving your mom more. treat your mom better!!! wipe away your brow that is was all luck, that things are still basically okay.
Jen: he's right, i'm gonna call my mom tonight and give her a hug, you should do the same with your mom.
me: i will. i'm gonna change things up this morning, i'm gonna ask her how she's doing. instead of asking myself how i'm doing all the time. i'm gonna tell her i love her, use the actual words, actions get misinterpreted. it may all be the blinding heat but this is a good thing for my life.
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