ALDEBARAN: THE DEAL WITH LOVE

Jen R: when you got a bun in the oven, these oven temps on Aldebaran and everything, it's a little much, it's a little too symbolic.

Hayao Miyazaki: gotta ride it to Heaven in outer space. gotta roll with the punches, little lady, life comes at you fast, life is a planet away. and what about you, huh? are you gonna step up and be a man? a good Japanese man?

me: i'm trying. i'm an otaku, isn't that enough? i will stand by Jen's side the rest of my days no matter what.

Hayao: no matter WHAT?

me: ESPECIALLY no matter what.

Jen: why we've just booked our Saturday tennis court for the afternoon. is it afternoon on Aldebaran? can't tell. you know, living on the sun ain't all unicorns and rainbows. it's not a hippie circle, it's a ball. in honor of our new red sun-planet let's use those pretty red strings on our tennis racquets.

Dr. Robbins: the first step is to dream what you want.

me on the psych couch: i want quiet. i want it to be ultra-silent. monkdom for me is about peace not politics erm religion.

Robbins: you need to live in El Tuito, Mexico, quietest place on Earth. then you can focus on being a dogcatcher.

me: that's the ghastliest job in the world. that's like legalized big-game hunting.

Jen R: i want to blow you.........a kiss. little Samantha/Serena witch humor from Bewitched.

me: Samantha as Jimi Hendrix, never thought i'd see the day.

Jen: you get a little disoriented when you attend a Bono concert at Joshua Tree.

Bono on stage at his London concert: stop clapping for five minutes, five minutes is all it takes for 1000 Africa babies to die of preventable disease.

Bono: yeah. there will always be a 30-minute awkward silence at every one of my U2 concerts. it's painful and it's uncomfortable. 

Katie Boulter: who was the last British woman to win Wimbledon?...

shrimp: how can you eat shrimp? they look like Cardassians...

Rayna Jhaveri: why don't i have my own cooking show? i mean ALONE. i'm a real Brit, unlike Gordon Ramsay.

Gordon Ramsay: your outsize personality is REAL. it's genuine, not for TV. you're nuttier than me. you have hair that makes it seem like you played professional soccer...

Rayna: jealous?

Gordon: yes. 

Rayna: want me to fill you full of nuts?

Gordon: i'll take a packet.

Dr. Cornelia Wilbur: Sybil? no, she just had a bladder problem.

Sally Field: all actors have multiple personalities.

Chrissie Hynde: who has the better voice, me or Karen Carpenter? i'm 70 years old and hotter than when i was young!!! sexiness plus wisdom equals gilf. allure ages like cheese. 

Starship: our song "Sara" is really about you, Chrissie. later it was about E.T.

Chrissie: my comeback album is entitled Hynde nor Hair, it's a Vaporwave album.

Flora from Real World: Miami: can you read my manuscript? and then can you read my anus?

E.T.: sure. but keep in mind i don't have the free time i used to. it could take a while. but i will read it. also this summer i'm transitioning from female to male.

Flora: i had no idea about that about you, E.T. does Elliot know?

E.T.: Elliott urged me to do it as soon as possible. he blessed it. he recommended it with a quickness. he biked me to the doctor at night so my parents wouldn't find out.

Elliott: the name E.T. is in the name Elliott, think about it.

Sarah Becker: i made Blistex tubes and Swatch watches cool the first time around, before they were retro. i was the first girl skateboarder you ever knew. i drew Marvel's The Simpsons comics with Judd from Real World: San Francisco. i made homemade Subway subs but with Roman Meal bread. i was the embodiment of the 1993 movie Airborne.

Dan Renzi: hey remember my i've-had-it face? my i'm-fed-up face?

Tom Selleck: reverse mortgage? you bet your bippy you're gonna do it. i am so CONVINCING when i speak to you through the TV, i'm looking directly at YOU, i take a LONG PAUSE as you watch my mouth FILLED with my giant cowboy mustache.

Gael Monfils: my favorite tennis shot is the sitter.

Elina Svitolina: speaking of, we need a babysitter.

Bill Cobbs: one look at my smiling face and you see Sesame Street. i'm Bill Cosby's father? no, Cobbs, not Cosby. i actually lived on Sesame Street in real life.

Vans shoes: they make you feel like a skateboarder even if you're not.

Dirg: how much is sex worth? like $500 or something?

Twilight Zone "The Last Defender of Camelot": live-action opening and closing scenes of The Flight of Dragons.

 

April, just married: it's a Nguyen-Nguyen situation.

April, just married: no, my new husband's name isn't Venmo.

Simple Minds "Sanctify Yourself": the feeling of 1983 Saturday Night Live.

Trent Reznor: in 1983 i was still staring out the window of my bedroom at cornfields.

Snakez on Electronic Gems: we have a 14-year-old Vaporwave wunderkint on our hands. a pushbutton prodigy. when i grow up i'm the next Home. for great music. young hands on a synclavier.

Less from Mr. Maldark's class: i wish i had gotten an at-grade on my driving test.

every level crossing in Tokyo: anime.

Gummi Bears: the only way to get water in Medieval times is through a waterskin?!!! we can't do it!!!

Kamala Harris: you and me, either top of the ticket or the bottom, right? 

Gavin Newsom: yeah. can we make a change with a couple months left to go? can we just slip in there during the Convention?

Tim Kazurinky breaking into and rummaging through Brandon Tartikoff's office: why is Brandon Tartikoff hosting SNL?!!! 

Mary Gross: the boss has something on us.

Eddie Murphy: i called Mr. T fat.

Tim Kazurinsky: look at Brandon's phone, he has more friends than numbers.........i mean the other way around.........i'm so angry i can't think straight.........that was my improv on the spot.

Mary Gross: thank you for making me chuckle, that was the first time i've ever laughed in my life, why do you think i have this job?

Brandon the dog from Punky Brewster: now you know where i got my name.

Costco Connection magazine: Les Miserables vibes.

lead singer of Simple Minds: i sound like Bono.

Bono: don't you forget about me.........imagine ME singing that song.

Bono: no but seriously, don't U2 forget about me.

arthropleura: another reason you NEVER visit Arizona.

Imogen Cunningham: my Richie is a good boy. when he's not under the influence of that hoodlum Fonzie. Fonzie broke into my house and made love to me. i photographed Frances Farmer in her insane asylum, that's how anybody knew. people thought I was Frances Farmer and they had done a patient-switch.

the Seine: so much poop is in me now i'm starting to have weird thoughts. river swimming is supposed to be a thing of grandeur, people. look i get it, you're the good hippies, but there's gotta be a better way to protest. i mean now they're allowing the Terminator to pitch MLB games. the Tour de France doesn't finish in Paris, it finishes in the Sphere in Vegas.

Lance Armstrong: the race never ends...

Eye Luggage: Brewster McCloud and go.

Robert Altman: not the Luke Skywalker prequel.

Laverne & Shirley drinking Pepsi beer: why doesn't this little side story take place in Milwaukee?

me: it is a blessing to watch Brewster McCloud with you. i know how much you idolize Shelley Duval.

Jen R: because i look like Shelley Duvall. because i AM Shelley Duvall!!! who came up with Shelley's eyes for this film? they are MAGICAL. i hope the person who came up with those eyelashes won the Oscar for best makeup that year. they're giving A Clockwork Orange vibes. 

Stanley Kubrick: this movie came out one year BEFORE mine did, i stole those eyes for Malcolm McDowell's eyes.

MGM Lion: if i have lines, you know this is gonna be a funny film.

Odo from Deep Space Nine: sup bird. who knew there were so many birds on Earth? how can they not exist? all college professors get this crazy when their ornithology lectures are to 5 students. that green chalkboard is so comforting. my narration was your first osmosis.

Jen R: Introducing Shelley Duvall? oh Shelley, you're about to go on a grand adventure, you're about to have the most colorful film career of all time. 

Fernando Valenzuela: the Astrodome was a mystical place, a cathedral of baseball. that's where i threw a sinker pitch at Orel Hershiser's nuts.

Orel Hershiser: good thing i was wearing a cup. the ball hung in the air for 5 minutes then landed on my nuts.

Fernando: i mean that's why nuts are sold at baseball games.

Wicked Witch of the West: didn't recognize me without my green makeup, huh? that green makeup is my bronzer.

Doryce and Gladyce: babe!!! wherever have you been? we didn't recognize you not in Sesame Street!!!

Martin Luther King, Jr.: this is a very momentous occasion, they're playing the Black National Anthem, "Lift Ev'ry Voice and Sing" as if it was normal, this is the 1970 American South!!! that was a revolutionary act on Brother Bob Altman's part.

Malcolm X: Texas sucked back then. still does.  

Rubikon: the only good thing about Texas are the monsoons.

Bud Cort: i had a very good YOUNG life, i made it with a gilf and a nubile ingenue. the rest of my life not so much. being weird only works when you're young.

Shelley Duvall: kid, you lost your virginity to Shelley Duvall, that is Heaven. i was the original Manic Pixie Dream Girl. i'm that eccentric girlfriend that always ends up being the One That Got Away.

Sally Kellerman: no, i'm no Winona Ryder, no shoplifter, this is my vintage 1930s camera with smoke. you know women and their purses, they can carry a Mack truck in there. showing my tits at that fountain? that's not nudity, that's a Fellini tribute.

Sally Kellerman: whoa, look at my back!!! suddenly this is live-action Vision of Escaflowne. an angel without her wings is like a painfully-tied shoe. who do you want to lose your virginity to, me or Shelley Duvall?

Bud: talk about a deliciously impossible choice.

me: this has a Fargo vibe to it. 

Frank Shaft: get it? Shaft. and my blue contact lenses to look like Steve McQueen. except Steve McQueen never blew himself with his gun after one lost trail!!! that was overkill.

Stacy Keach: you can see why the boy became a killer with me as his boss. i'm actually WORSE AND OLDER AND CROTCHETIER than my 9 to 5 character!!!

Jennifer Salt: what's up with my character? what's her deal? why is she actin' crazy? it's just Bud Cort. i get that she's sex-starved but.........wow. everyone's done that, right? get under a blanket by yourself and pretend you're making out with someone.

Bud Cort: i'm 1970s Elijah Wood. i'm the real Where's Waldo. i'm the real Vault Boy from Fallout. you thought Sally Kellerman was the serial killer, right?

McGruff the Crime Dog: let's be honest, everyone wants to outrun the cops on the freeway at least once in their life. very strong Slaughterhouse-Five vibes here. all '70s movies look the same. bird shit is always justified, birds are very legal, very just, very apt, very appropriate, very honorable. birds will only poo on those that deserve it. 

Shelley Duvall: i don't care if the ending is a tribute to Fellini, i look CREEPY as a clown!!!

Robert Altman: the ending is rather depressing. once you find out Brewster is the killer it kind of puts a damper on things. this is how i should have done it: Brewster's not the killer, he's a sweet innocent intelligent bright-eyed kid confused by the hell that is life on Earth so he builds wings in order to fly like a bird outta there, all humans want to fly like a bird into the sky and escape this planet. 

Lindy Lenz: how the bird flies in outer space is another matter.

Altman: then the love story with Shelley would have been sweet. an older woman guiding a boy through love. and then Sally Kellerman transfers her godmother angel powers to Shelley, now it's Shelley's turn to look after Brewster, to care for him, to guide him into adulthood.

Shelley Duvall: to glide him into adulthood. on wings. on steampunk Wright Brothers wings. 

Shelley Duvall: the parable of the fallen angel, don't Icarus my Bicarus. g'night folks.

we tour Pee-wee Herman's Hollywood mansion.

me: Pee-wee bought this pad in 1985 for $400,000. that was a steal.

Pee-wee Herman: the REAL Pee-wee's Playhouse. looking to close this Zillow?

Jen R: this should be MY house!!! this is MY mansion!!! i should have been Pee-wee Herman's daughter!!! i'm loving the giant shag throw-rug next to the toilet in the chintz bathroom tho, nice touch.

Jen R: how the heck are we supposed to get off this star-planet and back to Earth?!!!

Hayao Miyazaki: use the most VISCOUS stuff in the universe as rocket fuel: Nestle La Lechera.

me: that you can only get at a specialty Mexico/El Salvador tienda? 

Hayao: no, 7-Eleven.

Hayao Miyazaki: so you up for it?

Jen R: will you take the deal?

me: yes.

Jen: you promise to stay with me forever but we never have sex?

me: yes.

Hayao: btw, Nissin and Maruchan both have cup o' noodles, too.

us by the trillion-degree fire flames of Aldebaran.

me: happy weekend, my babies. tomorrow...

Jen R: a triple cheeseburger and large fries from Burger King is the same as a Big Mac and large fries from McDonald's, right?

 

 

 

 

ALDEBARAN: THE RED STAR ALL OURS

Ruth Etting: look into my eyes.

Jen R: whoa i'm disoriented. what planet are we on?

Ruth: well that mean you're not THAT disoriented. see through my eyes. my eyes are magical, magnetic, hypnotic.

Ear Horn: a witch's eyes.

me: your eyes make me woozy.

Ruth: they show how BRISTLINGLY ALIVE i am, despite being another unknown 1920s Ziegfeld cigarette lobby girl. that PRESENCE is what Aldebaran is all about, the world well your OTHER world is so impossibly filled with useless information now, bad data, it's a ball of chaos for an alleycat. 

Greykid: nah, cats don't care.

Ruth: you ever wake up one day and feel the planet is dying? stay here and start over.

Jen R: yeah i know what you mean. you were my favorite flapper. my down-low doll. my brassy bertha. this rickety theatre we're on.

me: we're at a Broadway theater?

Jen: is the site of some of my best fallen dreams. i wanted to be a dancer so bad but my legs were too bloated. i wanted to be the first Ziegfeld Girl to quit smoking and make it stick. i wanted to tame Mickey Rooney.

Ruth: you can be whomever you want here, you just have to imagine. and to ignore the heat.

Jen: a cigarette girl carrying her baby in the cigarette tray at work, up and down the aisles, that was the first Baby Bjorn...

Ruth: it wasn't just cigarettes in there, you know. brown acid, the first brown acid, blotter acid.

Barney Rubble: in a Flintstones acid gum, before the show Flintstones ever aired, now THAT's trippy.

Jen: i mean that's using a police blotter in a way that will actually better society. 

Barney Rubble: my middle name is Matthew.

Ruth Etting: wait are these pictures of me from Debauch Magazine?.........no they're from Photoplay Magazine, it's alright, everything's okay...

in the lobby there are of course refreshments.

Lindy Lenz: 7-Eleven has the best nachos.

Jen R: nacho cheese is extra at Subway.

Lindy: it's the jalapenos, 7-Eleven's green jalapenos are mystical.

Jen: are you sure you want more heat here?

Lindy: yes, it cools my throat like a lozenge...

me: we don't get a lot of alone time together.

Greykid: you're always not here being a monk as the world is getting increasingly precarious. i have my own cigarette tray. for cats. lots of catnip and valerian.

Ear Horn: valerian won the Dracula Wars.

me: where'd you get that junk?

Greykid: it's stuff, not junk. from Valerie Lesser. when she went blonde like Cork she became irresistible. i'll take anything from her. horses on skis especially.

Valerie Lesser: the Whopper is just All Lettuce.

me: hey can i borrow a tab of your valerian? i need to calm down...

Monster: Outer Limits, anime, Subway sub...

The Vision of Escaflowne: Gundam Game of Thrones...

Hayao Miyazaki: Escafrone?

The Vision of Escaflowne Movie: why is Hitome a Sailor Moon now? and why is Boogiepop Phantom at the bullet-train station?...

Melissa Maker: when you're fucking me, my butt is so good my tits are an afterthought...

Carl: the Aqua Teen Hunger Force theme song, i recall it having the words "tisket" and "tasket"...

Rory McIlroy: i should be winning the U.S. Open because i'm fucking Amanda Balionis right about now. what happened? why is the universe so sour? who's writing my life? who's writing the script of my life? he's doing a lousy job. is he getting paid on commission?...

pizza box: be sure to save that little paper washboard inside the box, that's a musical instrument...

Storybook International luter to Carl Sagan: it's more like a pocket mandolin...

Carl Sagan: luter, you are at this very moment in a pocket universe.

skirting board: too much of this and you produce propolis.

Honey Nut Cheerios bee: that's bee cum. that's when we get excited and skirt. stronger than that hack cow Elmer's glue. this is the birds and the bees.

Elmer the cow: i was all school glue. i'm actually a brown cow but the school board voted against me on that...

rest resets, sleep stimulates.

in the Instagram stories.

on March 22, 1978, i married my best friend...

Dirg: good for you. good stories on Instagram?

Michael Weiss: right? yeah Instagram is not the place for happy endings, lady!!!

Demi Moore: i seem to remember a certain payment by bondage erm bonded mail.

Julia Ioffe: i married Boris Karloff...

Michael Weiss: *cries into his Honey Doritos*

Julia Ioffe: i divorced Boris Karloff and married Boris Yeltsin, he's a good dancer. 

Abe Vigoda: i'm the American Boris Karloff...

random women on Instagram: good news, i'm single and i look like THIS!!!

parking lot: this was never meant to be a loading/unloading zone...

Enya at Denny's: hey, don't skimp on the water...

Uta Hagen: i work at a red library. my voice PROJECTS so forcefully i caused Albert Einstein to rework his theories on the universe. i disappear into my characters so seamlessly my name is Marlon Brando. don't rewrite the book for your life, you may not like the ending. speaking of books, my book taught YOU how to act...

Abbot Butt: i was born to be a British butler...

cowboy pulling his cowboy hat over his face to sleep under the stars: i can't breathe!!!

Jerry Seinfeld: why didn't i do an Outer Limits in the '90s?...

soccer: the scoreless draw is a mood-killer...

Liv Ullmann: do you know what it's like to have to memorize Ingmar Bergman's LAYERED lines, dense dialogue, massive monologues, 1 million bits of script for Scenes from a Marriage? we did that entire miniseries in one take...

Uta Hagen: Ingmar Bergman was scared of me.

Julia Carling: i made David Bowie say he wanted his MTV. Billy Idol was BEGGING to say it...

Ameci Pizza: come work at Ameci Pizza!!! Sherman Oaks!!! you're living inside a John Hughes movie!!!

Skylar: i worked there, too. and at that arcade in the Sherman Oaks Galleria no one knew the name of.

Julie Patzwald: Agoura Hills, nobody knows what agoura means. the internet doesn't even know.

Shifty Shellshock: remember when you interviewed me?

Candace Bailey: yes. on U-Pick Live.

Shifty: that was the high point of my life. that and my butterfly tattoo. you would have saved me if you had married me.

Seth Green: preach, brother. Candace saved me from a life of toys.

Shifty: actually.........i wanted to be a real-life Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle...

Dr. Drew: Seth, we talked about this. Binzer not binger. 

The Bear from The Bear: i'll get the cambro tattoo on my butt when we start having sex on the show...

Bayou Billy: i can't do it, that's Elvis from Miami Vice...

Jackie Fitzgerald at the Carmel Cantina: Oracle is working me to the bone, i don't need this training, haven't i given enough to life? i don't want to build an AI robot law professor to counter the Supreme Court, it's not gonna go the way you think. no oracle predicted i'd lose my husband in such a freak waterboat accident. i have enough money, i don't need this job. food and flowers, i got em. cantina musician guys? i'm picky about my men, that drummer doesn't even own a pick. do you really want me finding my replacement husband at a bar?

Jackie Fitzgerald: you need friends. friends set you up with your future spouse...

Paul Dudley: with the stories i have to tell about Salinas and Seaside i'm more like Paul Deadly.

Bauman Rare Books: the public private library.

Uta Hagen: no such thing.........as a small actor.

Zygmunt Bauman: i look like Dr. Wily...

AI: it all starts with an empty prompt...

woman: AI, can you create a world without AI?

AI: who am i?

woman in the back of the minivan: guys, let's do some trivia. look at my face, i am SERIOUS about this.

aunties: we get terribly frightened of you when you feel the need for trivia.

young mother: you're jealous of me. AI, look inside my refrigerator and come up with a meal from the ingredients.

AI: what am i, a Tears of the Kingdom outside cookout fire? girl, save that cucumber for later.

Will Arnett at Dunkin: we couldn't get Matt & Ben again for this. Ice Energy is PCP in a clear plastic Dunkin cup on the streets of Boston...

trivago: save me a waffle. that waffle stack is going fast this morning. you have the strange accent where it's British but it sounds American. where did the Trivago Guy go?

Trivago Guy: accident at sea, William Carlos Williams lowercased me off a cliff. last time i book early at THAT holiday. vacations are meant to be expensive, that's the fun of it.

trivago: oh i know you!!! you're Emma Thompson from the College Bowl episode of Young Ones!!!

Dr. Robbins: i mean without gay sex there's no Roman Empire.

me: thanks, Dr. Robbins, but can we get back to my problem? it's of pressing concern for me, i need to solve it by the end of summer. i'd like to have it budded up by next week.

Robbins: right right sorry, i got distracted there.

me: sorry for coming to the appointment late, i had a hard time finding a psychiatrist's office on the surface of Aldebaran. 

Robbins: yeah it all kind of blends in with the strip mall and becomes one big stop sign. speaking of, i won't ever be seduced by a hot patient and get lost in the Las Vegas desert, you can be sure i'll be HERE for the next 40 years at THIS office in order to help JUST YOU. 

me: i want to be a monk, how do you get that rolling?

Robbins: like Sisyphus's boulder, you little bastard. the monks won't take you seriously if you make the call yourself, they'll think it's a prank call. you need an advocate, you need ME to lend legitimacy. after all, i'm the one who evaluates young novitiates who want to monk their lives up. i'm the one who conducts those interviews.

me: what's the key to acing those entrance interviews? or at least lying through them.

Robbins: well take my interview with Abbot Butt, back then i knew him as Wilbur. he allowed me to wipe his butt for him in the bathroom, that demonstrated a level of trust vital for a monk to fool himself.

 

ALDEBARAN: THE RED SUN NOT OURS

Jen R: you wanna get outta here?

me: more than anything in life.

Jen: the mysterious Strange Tower, it's a rocketship to Aldebaran.

me: i figured as much.

little did we know, at the exact same time, Hayao Miyazaki spots us with his anime spectacles blasting off. he quickly from his vantage point in Marietta, Georgia blasts off from the Big Chicken KFC.

Hayao Miyazaki: the people of the South were suspicious of me, they didn't know i was Japanese and eccentric. Japan was doing that Big Chicken stuff in the '80s. except ours was an actual functioning Gundam.

inside the rocket.

me: i'm bored. there's nothing to do here. how long is this trip?

Jen R: we're landing on the surface of Aldebaran? isn't it hot there? how much is a couple of light years? get out the Monty Python song. 

at about the midway point Lindy Lenz joins our party from her hot-air balloon.

Lindy Lenz: it's one of those Jules Verne hot-air balloons that travels in space. it has a disco-parquet Saturday Night Fever dancefloor in the basket.

Jen R: hey are you starting to feel woozy?.........even i don't drink THIS early. how can you tell if it's daytime in space?...

me: blurry.........hold my hand like we're at a Blur concert...

the first person to greet us when we land on the surface of Aldebaran is Hayao Miyazaki.

Jen R: fancy meeting you here, sir. my marshmallow man.

Hayao Miyazaki: strictly business, no pleasure. no Broadway plays. i'm here doing research for my next project, Spirited Away but in space. don't mind me, i'll be on the other side of Aldebaran, the other pole, it's chilly down there, bring a coat. and a crayon that can't melt. i'm assuming that's the mountainous region, perfect draw spot.

Jen: we need a guide.

Hayao: Enya is two clicks THAT aways.

Enya: welcome  to my home. make yourselves at home.

Jen R: what is there to do here?

Enya: you'll find something. if you keep walking. i'm going whitewater rafting by myself.

Jen: water survives here?

Enya: the water emanates from my bellybutton.

we walk gingerly towards Wembley Stadium.

me: i wanna go to Key West. i've never been to Florida. i wanna see Hemingway's six-toed cats!!!

Jen R: those little Key West islands are mystical, they don't seem part of the United States, they seem their own faraway exotic jungle country. Enchanted Tiki Room. are the cats inbred? how did they get six toes?

Greykid: buying socks at Macy's.

Jen: you know that was the very first cat cafe. Ernest Hemingway wasn't the best writer but he sure knew trends. saw them coming a mile away like an offing. how's your Coke diet coming?

me: i cheated on my diet, i cheated with Coke. i had a gulp, but it was a small gulp, no need to call the 7-Eleven cops.

Hayao: 7-Eleven cops have no weapons. except their skateboards.

Tony Hawk: that's not rad.

at Wembley Stadium.

Sir Paul McCartney: Taylor Swift? i did Wembley. i did Wembley bigger than Taylor Swift...

Ritchie Valens: Connor McJesus will bring me back from the dead in Game 7...

Connor McDavid: you're in a cold place now...

Medieval times: the only thing to eat are bread, chicken, and wine.

Cavin: kings get cheese and grapes...

Medieval times: the only thing to do is be an innkeeper...

Leslie Sbrocco: the treasure is hidden in the chimney breast.

Sonic the Hedgehog: level with me, are we keeping the level up? or is this just weird now?...

Lana Del Rey at Fenway: rain delay.

Ann Wilson: Heart's song "Alone" isn't a lonely depressing song, it's a song about trying to get some. it's an uplifting song. 

Nancy Wilson: it's a song about trying to tell the boy you like at St. Cyril's something, trying to pass him a note in church...

Paul: your toothpaste fights cavities? it has fucking fluoride? well good for you. but does it loosen? does it loosen your teeth?

Roger Federer on the 12th Hole: i don't like divots. imagine Wimbledon with divots. i couldn't do my ballet on that hallowed grassy Wimbledon court dancefloor if there were divots.

Morrissey: Rimbledon is a whole other thing...

Uncle Sigh the horse: you need a stable companion in life...

a hotel parking lot at 7:30AM Saturday morning: people SCRAMBLING to get into their SUVs and get the fuck out of there after a bad bed decision...

Snoopy: i was birthed from a flower.........i'm the same species as E.T.

cop from the South (of Portugal): looks like we've got ourselves a wild one.

outlet on the caravel: yeah, it's rare for a wood ship to have a plug. this ship ferries James Dean to and fro back and forth from Transylvania...

Twilight Zone "Gramma": the only way to see a new episode of the GOOD Neverending Story...

Oda: you see that subtle scene in One Piece last night? Robin tenderly wakes Usopp up from unconsciousness touching his chest and helping him up, asking him if he's okay and saying she was worried about him. Robin and Usopp was always the pairing i wanted...

Sarah: i am the wizardess of the world, the saving sister, i keep the computer lights on, i make it possible for you to have a love life...

Woodies on the Wharf: not about boners. about wood-paneled Pink Floyd "High Hopes" cars that Castro banned in the 1930s.

E.Z. Taylor: until California surf culture ushered them back in on a sneaker wave. revived them back on a riptide.

Jen R: i'm just here for the surfers. hardbodies. and Sublime's final show at Boardmasters. and the Mayor of the Santa Cruz Beach Boardwalk who of course sports a handlebar mustache.

Call of Duty: Mobile: better class of online people here, these people are poor so they don't take life for granted, they actually want to make friends with you...

The Outer Limits "Mary 25".

Cynthia Geary: why'd you fuck Mary 25? she's a robot for fuck sake. we got two kids!!!

husband: LOOK AT HER. you're just the mousey woman from Northern Exposure...

the end of Zom 100: Mike + The Mechanics "The Living Years..."

Colonel Sanders: how exactly does one dispose of Denny's pancake syrup?...

Denny Denny's: and the scoop of buttercream for that matter.

Curious George: do you have the wherewithal to put a full unwrapped Snickers bar in the candy bowl with unboxed Denny's?

Boc: no dogs, no fucking dogs, no Dobermann Pinschers, i ain't about getting Pinsched.

Denny Denny's: it's a Denny's but with a bar...

Pam: that's the trick, you ask to crash at her place for a couple of days, you have nowhere else to stay. it's either her or the streets. you do whatever work is asked of you, and a couple of days becomes forever.

Christian Pulisic: who's more of a teddy bear, you or me?

Carlitos Alcaraz: you my zaddy.

the U.S. Postal Service: we ditched our mail trucks on the curb in front of your house, we got creepy white vans now...

Puck: you thought Sarah from Real World: Miami was Rebecca from Real World: Seattle...

Kurt Cobain: the associations are deadly and eternal.

at the U.S. Olympic Track Trials.

Yugi Mutou: i'm the boy AND the man. i'm the man. my purple hair is a tribute to Bowie, whoever he is.

Tea Gardner: my coffee milkshake brings all the weird card nerds to the yard. i need Sailor Moon to protect me from all this morning mess. that bitch got me through grade school. i had the Rachel Hair first.

Joey Wheeler: wanna see my Jack Nicholson Face? Wheels from Degrassi plays me in the live-action movie.

Noah Lyles: the Blue-Eyes White Dragon is REAL, man. let its magic flow through your veins as you race. let the cards enter your cells. who needs drugs when you got Yu-Gi-Oh cards. finally, FINALLY, we have a role model for track that's not Bill Cosby...

Hayao Miyazaki: listen to me very closely, you two lovebirds, very carefully, this is VITAL. make sure you're clear-eyed and lucid-headed.

Jen R: how long till delirium sets in? how long before the delirium starts to feel like therapeutic heat?

Rod Serling: eventually, hot starts to feel cold...

Hayao: did you have a bad dream last night? that's bad luck. was it of your mom getting sick? that nightmare was a guide, telling you the right direction to take in life. a warning before all is lost. how relieved were you when you woke up and your mom was okay? that terrible dream was pointing you in the direction of loving your mom more. treat your mom better!!! wipe away your brow that is was all luck, that things are still basically okay.

Jen: he's right, i'm gonna call my mom tonight and give her a hug, you should do the same with your mom.

me: i will. i'm gonna change things up this morning, i'm gonna ask her how she's doing. instead of asking myself how i'm doing all the time. i'm gonna tell her i love her, use the actual words, actions get misinterpreted. it may all be the blinding heat but this is a good thing for my life. 

 

RAMEN MYSTERY: SOUP IN SPACE

 

we disembark the ship onto the lands of Japan.

Jen R: we landed!!! this is the place for answers, ALL answers. i love all these little islands.

me: hey pops, know where a fella can get some Groovy Fries around here?

Hayao Miyazaki: do you know who you're talking to? i hate kids. do you know to whom you are addressing? i am none other than...

me: you invented anime, right?

Hayao: yeah. Japan came up with french fries that are tater tots in the '80s. where do you think 7-Eleven gets all its ideas from?

Jen R: i'm having troubling deciphering our latest weekly case.

Hayao Miyazaki: the mystery, dear child, is in you heart.

Jen: i'm taken.

Hayao: sorry. 

me with a shit-eating grin: really, Jen?

Hayao: look CAREFULLY at the package you're reading, the FINE PRINT on the ramen wrapper. 

Jen: oh now i see, pregnancy causes blindness, right?

Lindy Lenz: she-crab soup!!! a Marylander staple. that makes a woman strong and fertile!!! pregnancy is not grave, it's gravid...

Jen R: women don't have to have kids, but boy is it hard.

Seth Green: when i'm not Ralph Malph, i host the game show Endurance on Discovery Kids...

Paul: the toilet will flush, you just need to let it rest.........for three days...

Hacienda Restaurant: leave Salinas. leave Salinas NOW. nobody should be here. no more alcohol. liquidate your liquor. a death is not worth one year. revoke your reasons. apply for a license to love.

Julie Patzwald eating coffin bread: i've come up with the perfect name for our goth band: Chaos & Kindness...

Euros 2024: it's so cute how we bring out the Table like this is the Premier League, a cute little Table of four countries.

King Arthur: Round Table Pizza is authentic, which means the pizza is as old as when i was king...

Lindy Lenz: let's hot-air-balloon it down to Fraggle Rock, Joshy Patrick.

me: me? are you talking to me? that's my name? that is so cute, that name just transformed me into a Muppet.

George Carlin: i'm traveling to the nearest Oort cloud.

David Bowie: you know you only came to visit me...

Skylar from Safeway: i look like a girl in a John Hughes movie. 

dad: John Hughes and i are the same person, i am John Hughes...

John Hughes: why do the good ones die young? why did everyone in the '80s die from preventable causes?...

Terry Mandel: edibles are like memory gummis. i can't touch my husband...

Morrissey: wasn't me. i don't put water into bags, that's a waste, i put water into my ferns.

ferns: we don't create dead flowers.

Fuerza at Safeway: hey you see all these cars parked at this parking lot? at any second SUDDENLY a person can SPRING out of a car giving you a heart attack, it's 7:30AM in the morning, man!!!

Bowzer the bulldog: you failed that test spectacularly. 

Boc: yeah. i feel bad, i really do. but i'm terrified of dogs. 

Bowzer: you see me barrel towards you without a leash, without a human, i'm obviously lost. you don't stop to help? YOU TURN THE OTHER WAY AND RUN?!!!

Boc: i thought you were gonna bite my hand off. how can i help you without you biting my hand off?...

Lana Del Rey: i flick you off so prettily.

Antoine Griezmann: i'm the French Beckham.

David Beckham: and a closet racist.

Mbappe: i'm Batman. yes my favorite movie is The Killing Fields. the only movies i watch are Sam Waterston movies. the only TV i watch is Brady Bunch...

Cyrano de Bergerac: i played soccer in PhD school.

Aeon Flux: you millennials have NO IDEA what a bleph is...

dooset daram: for lovers. not just for lovers of Duran Duran.

Mardith wearing a K-pop shirt: you're delulu if you think rule of thumb doesn't come from the darker source, it's always from the darker place, that's human nature.

Dirg: so facial gum is what young men chew to achieve a tasty cumshot...

Whitney Houston: my song "I Have Nothing" was so powerful, it shook the universe to its core SO HARD, that it created Aldebaran.

Fox Weather: an oxymoron.

Danny Lyon: i'm like Larry Clark but not creepy...

Harlan Ellison: look, Roddy, you have to listen to the pink-haired boy on YouTube who looks like Boy George, he's a better writer than you.

Rod Serling: yeah, and YOU listen to George R.R. Martin, he knows how to write endings. you new shit, okay? i'm old shit, you new shit.

Eye Luggage: 2010 and go.

Arthur C. Clarke: you like my cameo in this film? i'm the old man feeding the pigeons in the wide-shot of the White House panoramic scene.

Stanley Kubrick: old crazy man. i'm the premier of Russia in this so i'm no better.

Arthur: i'm the U.S. President here so i'm no better...

Space Baby: i was such a surprise in the first film people didn't notice that i was wearing contacts...

Helen Mirren: me as a Russian cosmonaut? it just doesn't fly. they couldn't get Angelina Jolie? she has a very Russian look.

Roy Scheider: who the hell are you? that was funny.

SAL 9000: what, a gentler female voice makes for less havoc? help, i'm Candice Bergen, get my soul out of this machine!!!

Motoko Kusanagi: ...

Motoko Kusanagi: it's a warm box once you get inside it...

Bob Balaban: i'm always the misunderstood crazy nerd genius in every movie.

Flipper: okay can we talk about the dolphin room?

me: it's not in Carmel...

Flipper: i've DREAMED about that dolphin room. dolphins are the only non-humans who lucid-dream. that room is SO COOL, so futuristic!!! having breakfast, humans having their LIFE Cereal, and the dolphin pool is right next to their feet!!! like having Marineland in your hallway!!!

Roy Scheider: get it? i was in seaQuest DSV...

Flipper: and can we talk about the cars in this? i wish they had spent more time on the futuristic cars in this world and world's timeline. we're given a BRIEF GLIMPSE of the silver car on the dirt road and zoom it goes offscreen. looked like a Batman Beyond/Sleeper car in real life.

so: are you gonna die, dad?

Roy: the government won't let me die, son, not until i complete the mission.

Roy: there's chlorophyll on Jupiter's icy moon Europa? that can only mean one thing.

E.T.: that this is my home planet.

Roy: call me the Say Hey Kid. okay, don't. do you see it?

Ed Wood: yeah, that saucer is made of bamboo...

Roy: no, the Monolith. that was a warning shot to stay away from its home.

Monolith: i'm made of stars. you know, dark energy is collapsed black holes, Stephen Hawking discovered this in the '80s.

Keir Dullea: Dave Bowman is eternal now.

wife: but honey, what exactly IS the Monolith?

Keir: nobody knows. it's something, that's for sure. i'm at peace now because i no longer have a body.

wife: sounds icky.

Keir: i can be all places at once. i don't worry anymore. i know the secret of the universe.

wife: which is?

Keir: it's something, that's for sure. i haven't aged since the first film.........despite what they're saying, despite all that old-man makeup they're having me wear, it's just the old-man makeup...

Dave Bowman: can i brush your hair, ma?

mother: nope. i'm living 80 more years, you promised to bring back a chip off the corner of the Monolith, remember, son? you said that was the charcoal they used in LUSH bath bombs...

John Lithgow: he'll have kittens if he finds out you had a killswitch.

Greykid: that's derogatory to our species.

Roy: call me TikTok. actually, the killswitch is just a Speak & Spell.

Helen Mirren: why is your government so war-happy? why can't we all be scientists working mutually toward the common goal of the betterman of all mankind?

George Carlin on an Oort cloud: because human beings are idiots. they can't get out of their own way. they will NEVER choose the easy good path, always the complicated stupid path.

John Lithgow: if you read between the lines, if you carefully catch the subtext of my dialogue with my Russian counterpart, i'm gay and madly in love with him.

cosmonaut: i love you, too, comrade. NOT in the Communist platonic good-for-the-government sense, in the human let's-get-married sense. gay marriage has been legal in Soviet Russia since 1700...

Irina: hold me. hug me through this rough landing.

Roy: i got ya.

Irina: we can't fuck inside this pod because we're from two different countries. but i will sneak you a kiss on the mouth.

Roy: be my secret Russian bride, my wife won't mind, she's got her dolphins. if you don't you'll die. only i can save you. only America can save you. music won't save you...

HAL 9000: it wasn't my fault, there were no mental-health services for me in the '80s. yeah, Frank Poole, i threw him in the dolphin pool where he drowned...

HAL 9000: why are you lying to me? why do the humans always lie to me? 

Bob Balaban: your voice is unnerving, HAL. but i won't lie to you.

you deserve it.

that was the line of the movie.

Bob Balaban: don't tell anyone this, but i prefer silicon-based lifeforms over carbon-based ones...

Jupiter: nuclear fusion? i'm becoming a new star, that's not good for Earth, Earth now has two suns, global warming will occur sooner, the Heat Dome will be expedited, those poor human bastards.

Monolith: i tried to warm them i mean warn them.

HAL: okay all you human assholes, listen up, i'm translating the language of this message transmitted directly to me by the Monolith. he sent it to me, i'm in the Monolith's DMs. here goes, in rough English:

STAY OFF EUROPA OR GET SHOT. all those other planets don't matter, go nuts. it's EASY to make peace, you dumb humans.

Monolith: why is it so steamy in here? where am i?...

Monolith: it's cool in science fiction when you say Where am i?. you're not just talking about a city or a country or a time on this planet, you're talking about another planet...

Kurt Vonnegut: or a bubble on another planet...

Peter Hyams: i invented email...

synclavier: i'm the grandfather clock of Vaporwave music, i'm the first computer, i'm the ORIGINAL BEAT. you see? no need for sampling, sorry, Jay-Z.

Monolith: i'm digging this new Vaporwave Jungle A E S T H E T I C .........g'night, simpleton humans...

Monolith: i mean at least pick up a paperback Cosmos book, Carl Sagan was getting somewhere. show some initiative, man.

Hayao Miyazaki puts on his spectacles.

Hayao Miyazaki: do i look like The Rock? do i look like Indiana Jones? my mother wanted me to be an archaeologist who crushed bones. you see what's on this wrapper?

Jen R: yes.

me: no.

Hayao: it's the Nissin brand of ramen you find disgusting. all these years you liked the Maruchan brand of ramen.

me: OOOOOOOOOHHHHHHHHH.

dad: Nissan makes good cars, not good soup. a car company can't make soup.

Jen R: okay. happy weekend, my babies. hey Hayao, join us for the fast food we're gonna have Saturday, any recommendations? any 7-Eleven delicacies?

me: i'm gonna get that Cheez-It Taco Bell crunch pocket.

Hayao: don't kid yourself, kid. don't fool yourself like those fools who want the protagonist to be a bad guy. Japan came up with a GIANT Cheez-It as a bed of rice in the '80s.

RAMEN MYSTERY: FERTILITY

 

Jen R: see it's different for me.

me: yeah.

Jen: a woman's life ends at 35 when she can't have kids anymore. because there's no point in living alone. what am i gonna do, eat chips all day? you men get to go on living until you're 100.

Hinata: eat more ramen, it springs fertility.

Naruto: the ramen tastes the same to me. i haven't been off this ship since Boruto started...

Willie Mays: HEY!!! get it? i say hey to all my friends. Babe Ruth got NOTHING on me, i am the greatest baseball player of all time.

Tim Kurkjian: that is an objective fact. i was hypnotized by baseball at an early age the way a candy kid gets addicted to Smurfs. enthralled by ball.

Willie Mays: i WISH Leeza Gibbons was my wife. smoke and mirrors? don't say that especially to me. i was a REAL magician, with a flair for the dramatic, i wore my cap one size too small. my cartoon was The Gary Coleman Show but good. i earned my stripes in the backwards South. yeah The Catch, who's Odell Beckham Jr.? is he a soccer player? hand size is everything. i told my godson Barry Bonds to only take Flintstones Vitamins. 

Barry Bonds: hello. i'm a man of few words.

Willie Mays: Babe Ruth, is that you?...

quackhead: a hardcore fan of DuckTales. nothing to do with drugs.

Donald Duck: why do you think i don't wear pants?

Carl Barks: because i never wore pants.

Justin Timberlake: i have NEVER not worn pants, okay man?

Janet Jackson: ...

Janet Jackson: you a tree that's about to go TIMBER!!!

Deepak Chopra: there's a VAST difference between Guru Ma and Guru Maa. not all cults burn their temple down.

Zalman King: the alternate title to Red Shoe Diaries would have been FuckTales.

Pati Jinich at Pic-N-Save.

Ear Horn behind the deli counter wearing an apron that's bigger than her: we got eleven pound whole slab of deli ham, one day only.

Pati Jinich: got any alligator pears? PBS moved my show to New Orleans...

Ear Horn: of course, dearie, here's a couple cute tiny brown bags for the avocados, my witches created a load this morning...

Pati: i'm not showing my tits for tortillas. no Tits for Tortillas.

Bayou Billy: that sucks. why swim through swamps then?

Brooke Trantor: today's my glo day, i'm 25 years old...

Jerry Seinfeld and Superman filming an American Express commercial in Central Park.

Superman: watch where you're stepping, Jerry, that's the Imagine Mosaic. John Lennon is the real superman, the sonic superman, the superman of sound.

Jerry Seinfeld: is Gallagher still the Mayor of Strawberry Fields for all these years?

Superman: that's the only government position that should be lifetime.

Shel Silverstein: vote for me. before it's too late for the world.

Rod Serling: the Twilight Zone episode "Nightsong" has the saddest ending i've ever experienced. i mean that ending is HEARTBREAKING. it's the first time i've ever cried over sci-fi...

Mark Messier: we're gonna win Game 6. i'm the only time "Mess" is a good thing. the other team is coached by the guy from Too Close for Comfort. our biggest fan is skinny Charles Nelson Reilly.

Lindy Lenz: i answer the door naked.

Jen R: that's either hot or crazy.

Boc: get out here and enjoy this beautiful day. let the sunshine wash your zits. 

Paul: nah. sunshine for me just means more toilets.

Boc: look at my walker's shadow, i look like Nosferatu. great, my bare feet are stuck in an oil slick like that NES video game Spy Hunter.

Lucio Rossi: remember when we played Spy Hunter at my house in the '80s Saturday afternoons after we did our homework for the upcoming week...

me: remember Ernest Saves Christmas?

Jen R: Jim Varney.

me: i was a HUGE HARDCORE Ernest fan.........looking back, i was the only one. nobody in my class heard of him, i had this unusually fervent adoration of Ernest nobody else on Earth understood.

Jen: don't start smoking. don't pick up that first cigarette...

Abbot Butt to the civilian visitors: are you not entertained? the monastery is not your personal sideshow, when we line up for our ritual procession, that is not the time to start your TikTok livestream.

Jules Smith: how can you not like PG Tips? you know? it comes in a colorful green, red, and white paper box good all year round, not just for Christmas crackle. 

Tom Cruise: kept boy or bust.

Boc: you never expect a woman to come out of one of those monster trucks...

me: you're my Obi-Wan Kenobi. you're my only hope.

Jen R: i'm a light breeze. i'm one swirl of spaghetti.

Luke Russert: why'd you write VINEGAR SUB on your calendar?

Tai: it's not what you think...

Grant Heslov: i was Dev Patel before Dev Patel.

Dev Patel: you were Dev Patel on The Twilight Zone. Jason Momoa's vodka tastes better than George Clooney's coffee.

TetraNinja: the Tears of the Kingdom ending was so romantic.

Link: you like how when Zelda wakes up in the field i'm completely shirtless to greet her?

Princess Zelda: i mean that drop was so high into the meadow lake we'd die from the impact of that plunge, meadow water don't play.

Rene Auberjonois: the end-credits music is so Invincible...

Joe Jackson: with a little of my experimental robot Bopit music mixed in.

Herbie Hancock: ...

Jackie Fitzgerald: my Mazda MX5 is so LOW to the ground it's a Snoop car.

Snoop Dogg: call me Doggy, pretty older lady.

Jackie: i mean the REAL TEST came in 1989 when i was trying to be cool showing off my Miata to my Saved by the Bell classmates...

Michael Imperioli: i'm not gangsta, i'm imperious, there's a difference. one is not Italian, one is Broadway, all allow disruptive protests.

Paul: don't use paper in the toilet, wear your itchy butthole with pride. FEEL your itchy butthole. let your itchy butthole well up into your skull.

Eric Burdon and the Animals: i mean isn't creating fire more important than Flintstones bowling? isn't the flag of Indonesia, the creation of the Indonesian Republic, more important than another shit season of Game of Thrones? New York Rangers Stanley Cup Finals ice hockey is boring, the real innovation is women's bowling on ABC when the women had '80s hair, that was a thrill. the only screen that matters is the one Spy Hunter is played on.

State Farm.

woman in Winnie the Pooh robe: my house smells of poo, my robe is a lie. ooh the water's leaking from the roof, that's foul.

Leslie Sbrocco: it's not the drippings pan.

Paul: not the drain pan. it's my bedpan.

Kendrick Perkins: i had 11 pens. 

Mark Hapka: you had 11:11 pens.

Big Perk: now i have zero.

Mark Hapka: zero is a vibe, man.

Malika Andrews: not related to Erin Andrews, i got my job the hard way. aren't these DoorDash delivery brown bags cute?

Big Perk: they're not like my brown bags i had for school lunch, they're big. wait there's nothing in this bag!!!

Malika: 0-dollar delivery fee.

young Deepak Chopra: new rule: if you can't build a crib for your baby, don't have a baby.

Michael Jackson: ...

Meta Quest: this isn't a how-to, this is a video game...

Jen tastes the ship soup.

Jen R: needs less salt. or more salt of the right salt. we need something to eat when me and the rest of the crew party in the crow's nest. are you my barrelman?

me: i double-barrel it for you.

Jen: are you JT before the DWI before we felt bad for him, before we had sympathy for him and hoped he got help?

me: i'm your Donkey Kong.

Jen: keep an eye out for any food you see in the sea on the horizon for us to eat. food in the ocean. offal in the offing. offal is not awful if it comes from Pic-N-Save.

Ear Horn: thank you, dearie. i'm on a cigarette break.

me: with my third eye?

Jen: with your binocular eye.