MASH THE GUAC

 

Jen R and i are exploring Downtown Berkeley, the newspaper district, when suddenly an irreplaceable SMELL enters my nostril and i can't look away.

me: omg it's Chipotle. i've always wanted to work there ever since i discovered my love for avocados.

Jen R: all avocados come from Mexico.

me: but NOT guacamole, i'm weird like take, guac is horrid to me. but i would replace ALL SALADS with a bowl of avocado each dinner night if i could. that's how much i love the avocado, cubed into four squares, with a little lemon juice, Wishbone Italian dressing, and red-wine vinegar to boot. and pepper from the Beatles.

Jen: it's the TEXTURE of the avocado that's special. and appealing, be sure to peel off the Indiana Jones ball in the middle. the avocado slips right down your gullet, your tongue doesn't even get the chance to touch it!!! okay put on this apron, you're working Chipotle now, boy!!! after all, you gotta earn some spending cash on the side.

me: yep. i'm a student-athlete now, again. my sport is the stage. still no free scholarship ride.

Carmen Electra: i changed my name to my stage name. like EVERY Hollywood actor does. you just wanted an excuse to put my picture in your newspaper...

Adriana from Sopranos: meanwhile the story flying under the radar under the rug is i paid off my Hollywood mansion doing only ONE DAY of OnlyFans!!! who knew there was such a market for the old wizened broad on The Sopranos rather than the young nubile sleek and svelte Tony Soprano?

Tony Soprano: is Meadow still hot?

Erling Haaland: you were EARLY in your prediction of my demise...

Adam Sandler: do they make Marathon chocolate bars anymore? they look like LONG-ASS curly pretzel sticks like they serve at Subway now. like my curly hair. i have to run a marathon to get one? look at me, i'm in the best shape of my life. i mean do i HAVE TO star in the upcoming Choco Taco movie?...

me, sweating: so it turns out work sucks. it's hard work. Chipotle is fun for the first few minutes then they get out that LARGE-ASS SHINY STERLING-SILVER BOWL and expect you to make guac FOR THE NEXT 8 HOURS. not even eating those stale tortilla chips helped.

Jen: did they blitz you with 100 avocados in your apron'd lap?

me: i mean if i were able to MASH THE GUAC with my bare ungloved hands, that would have been fun. but i had to use that laborious silver MESH MASH tool to GRIND THE GUAC like a fucking drill. guac waffles would have been fun but my idea was rejected.

Jen: let's have a spa day to get your mind off your inevitable firing. blitz your brain with distraction.

me: yeah. i think i still have my old poo-stained dorm ticket for quarters tonight.

Jen: i was thinking you'd put us up at the Claremont Hotel & Spa, that iconic historic white spire tower building in the middle of Central Park campus. right? i mean wouldn't that be the most OPULENT way to do dorm life as a Berkeley student?!!!

me: okay but i'm a student again, no money, so we're squatters. as long as we're not seen walking to the ice machine with a bucket.

Jen and i are in the spa room under a blanket of bubbles.

Jen: you have to be totally naked to allow the jetstream to enter ALL crevices. let's face it, if you were staying here you'd never go to class.

me: i hate that the weather isn't changing. my mom needs hot weather to recover. we still got two more fucking months of horrid cold-and-rainy weather, can you believe i'm saying this? i'm GOTH for fuck sake!!!

Jen: everyone changes. even goths, not their clothes tho. 

Julie Patzwald: i can't be naked. because if i don't wear at least ONE article of black on my body how would you know i was goth? i can't wear black fingernail and toe polish, i'm allergic. 

Jen sees that my mouth is parched.

Jen: here, break the plane with your spoon on this new cylinder of Lipton lemon-and-sugar iced-tea-mix powder. isn't that good? that FIRST WHIFF of FRESH POWDER.

Sydney Sweeney at her SNL monologue: okay let's bring up the lights. that's right, i'm going old-skool Carol Burnett with this!!! let's have a little audience Q&A. WOW!!! as i see the whites of the eyes in this audience thanks to the BRIGHT-AS-FUCK lights, all the doughy faces, i'm noticing that everyone in the audience is a MIDDLE-AGED DAD. interesting...

the two of us are still in the tub.

me: Amazing Stories "What If...?" and go.

Jen: i saw that one last night. i feel so bad for the little boy. i mean is Jake Hart not the MOST ADORABLE LITTLE BOY OF ALL TIME?

Steven Spielberg: a Spielberg staple.

Jen: i'd feel okay about my chances if i were him, i mean it's cool to have Gallagher as your star-spirit guide, right?

me: i like the twist in the script where the kid's not dead but rather hasn't been born yet...

Jen: the parents are assholes but i want their BED!!! right? with the Star Wars blue-glow neon light underneath, that's cool!!!

me: as long as that's my bed, too. and for the record i would be DELIGHTED to have a little boy. hey have you noticed something?

Jen: yep, it's the same futuristic house from that OTHER Amazing Stories episode "Moving Day"!!! i'd recognize that place anywhere!!! the outer-space mansion!!! what "the future" in the '80s looked like!!! i tried to buy it in the '80s but it was tied up in escrow hell by Burt Reynolds. my headcanon is that the boy from "What If...?" grew up to be Stephen Geoffreys in "Moving Day..."

Jen her wet-hair head underwater pops up to the surface. she's wearing wet wellies on her feet that look like a Santa elf's shoe with one bell on the tip.

Jen: my brain is damp. i have one last bubble inspiration. Timothee Chalamet. right? it would be PERFECT CASTING if Timothee Chalamet were Peter Pan...

Garbage Pail Kids cartoon: combining Jaws and Titanic like that, that was pretty cool, huh?

Len Carlson: i have the sweetest-sounding BOY'S voice of all time.

Sterling Holloway: you're TRYING HARD to imitate me...

Kirk Cousins rehabbing on a TENNIS COURT: cuz that's where the hard yards for a hardened NFL vet such as myself are done. i'm white and i have a gold grill in my teeth, my dentist recommended this for my bleeding gums.

Dr. Vacc: dentists are fun, too...

Good Morning Football woman: i'm not the regular woman here. why is this show on during the off-season? why am i wearing baked-potato pants? like my pants are silver tinfoil. i know i'm short but when do i stop being hot? as in hot potato.

Sarah: i take care of everything. including old used cough-syrup bottles.

Hunter Biden: i'm being hunted. that's good wordplay.

Jen and i in the Berkeley mart riding our cart.

Jen: throw that vanilla ice cream away!!!

me: thanks. i keep forgetting. why do i always keep forgetting?!!!

Jen: the vanilla DAMPENS YOUR BRAIN, it's worse than downer pills. you're running with this low-energy rut in your head the rest of the day. no Vanilla Coke and for fuck sake no more root beer!!!

Essence Page: i'm a dentist. but fittingly i'm also the editor of Essence Magazine...

DirecTV pigeons: sorry, we're not THOSE pigeons. no H Jon Benjamin, it's just me, Henry Winkler. i know you're disappointed, audiences have been disappointed with JUST ME ever since i left Fonzie...

Starbucks at a college town, let's say it's Berkeley.

girl student in the cafe: you know what? let's make it 2 Caramel Macchiatos.

in the lecture hall.

hot Indian girl student: girl you are so thoughtful!!! it's gonna be cool to have freedom from our parents for the first time.

girl student: yeah. i mean i really did this because you don't know this yet but you are going to be my first lesbian love...

Secret Whole Body Deodorant: it's okay to smell like a human.

Jen: i smell RIPE like a bad avocado.

Secret: from your pits to your bits.

Mardith: you can spray your vag? i do it in public. at the bus stop.

Secret: from your pits to your package.........sorry that's Lume with that annoying lady who comes on Toonami...

Jen: i got my pink grandma swatter at Kohl's...

Jen: here's the thing with Olive Garden, i don't trust a man on a first date who doesn't order soup. i mean how can you not like minestrone soup? i want to see you ordering at least FOUR bowls of minestrone soup...

me: mineSTRONE in STONE bowls at Medieval Times, it all makes sense now.

Simparica Trio: wait was this a commercial for Dune?...

all dogs: ...

me at the Southwest Airlines Worst Bar Ever: yes i will gladly pay $200 for an ice cube if it means my soulmate the love of my life doesn't get on that plane!!!

Jen: can i store my Easy Rider motorcycle on this plane?.........in the overhead compartment?...

Charmin: toilet paper so soft it will make you secretly have a thing for Nero.

the two of us are still in the hot tub, our skins wrinkled like one old lady.

me: you know what's cool? that i "talk" with you everyday.

Jen: well kind of. we text each other five sentences a day, that's kind of a relationship, right?

me: it makes me feel that we're a husband and a wife, telling the other about their day. i tell you about my day and you tell me about your day.

Jen: i tell you where i am at all times.

me: if this is an illusion i don't want to know...

Jen: you know i'm doing ketamine and when i'm under the influence of ketamine i'm clearheaded and i come to realize that life doesn't mean much, you know? it's all just kinda meaningless.

me: i know how you feel. except i'd never go the ketamine route, that stuff is scary for me. i never thought i'd go through life and meet someone who would say that to me. I would say that to THEM but not the other way around, that is meaningful.