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Doryce: how do you pronounce onahole?
Takahashi: yeah i'd like to know, too. for my records.
Doryce: i'm going to see Dune 2 tonight...
Moe from The Three Stooges wearing a pigskin for a helmet with sewed-on flyboy flaps: couldn't you see it in your heart? couldn't you envision ME? ME. I could be the Commissioner of the NFL in the 1930s...
football: in the '30s i was made from donkey butter.
Jen R in the Berkeley Library: the Tears for Fears song "Advice for the Young at Heart" music video has that Chico and the Man energy...
me at the Berkeley Library: the Nine Inch Nails music video for "The Perfect Drug" has that Interview with the Vampire vibe. that Edwardian boy was in the "Closer" music video, too, right?...
green absinthe: perfect for nasal drip...
Ben Shelton: i'm into cupping. and no i've never ONCE sipped from a red frat cup.
Mardith: cupping is kinky.
Naruto: it's like blood chakra.
Novak Djokovic: i'm into sucking. with suction cups.
Jen R: what'd you do for Leap Day?
me: i didn't know that WAS Leap Day until you reminded me of it just now.
Jen: so you didn't turn into Kermit the Frog like i did?...
shedding virus: when the cold comes to you, you start getting a runny nose, that is a glorious day, it means it's not with mom anymore.
dove: i'm lonesome because peace is hard...
social climber: that little Alpine hiker in that Price Is Right game...
Leslie Sbrocco: you never see this on Check Please...
foodie #1: the risotto from the place YOU recommended was drier than your cunt, you old windbag!!!
foodie #2: the tiramisu from YOUR restaurant was soggier than your butthole.
foodie #3: wine sucks.
Gordon Ramsay: PBS banned me for life...
Richard Scarry: instead of reality's scary world, try my Scarry world...
Debbie Harry in Hairspray: look at my hair, that is the greatest coiffure of hair you will EVER see in your lifetime.
JoJo: bizarrely i agree.
Debbie Harry: of course i'm in Hairspray, i'm Debbie Hair-y...
Drea de Matteo: for me, five minutes in Macy's is like a day at Macy's. i better hurry before Macy's closing...
Hallway Series: Lakers vs. Clippers is interesting now because the Clippers are good. but when are we gonna get new episodes of Degrassi starring Wheels?...
resolution: cough's worst enemy.
Amazing Stories "Lane Change".
Steven Spielberg: starting off EXACTLY like Duel (1971)...
Kathy Baker: Studebaker, Kathy Baker, makes sense.
Jen R: the older woman Priscilla Pointer IS Kathy Baker if she hadn't divorced, i'm calling it now...
Julie Patzwald: thought it was that crazy sledgehammer-to-the-leg lady Kathy Bates from Stephen King's Misery...
Stephen King: how come we've never worked together, Steven?
Spielberg: George Lucas.
Kenny Chesney: why does my singing voice sound like They Might Be Giants?...
Donald Sutherland: COPD? Trelegy? nah. i breathe fine. i can't breathe when i see my son Kiefer cuz i NEVER see that boy anymore...
shigella: as the Real World / Road Rules man said, "small penis, clean penis..."
mental health: it's not just a California thing...
me: i love avocados but i've never had avocado toast...
Princess Diana sprays Sure Unscented Armpit Spray into her armpits.
Princess Diana: my fucking pits are burning!!!
dad: how soon you forget. remember when i always said that? that was my catchphrase. how soon you forget, Di.
Keram: i'm Karn Malicki-Sanchez. how soon you forget. from Garbage Pail Kids, remember? look into my eyes, i'm not a musician, i'm a magician...
Eye Luggage: Some Like It Hot and go.
Marilyn Monroe: so you FINALLY watched a movie that I ACTUALLY starred in!!! ME!!! not Ana de Armas, not Michelle Williams, ME, the genuine article MM.
Lana Del Rey: one day i need to play Marilyn Monroe, right?...
Gallagher: this is considered the greatest comedy of all time. i'm not hating, i'm being objective here, it was just okay. it was ALRIGHT. BEST COMEDY EVER?!!! i don't know about that...
Billy Wilder: the weird thing was this was done in 1959, there was color film at that time, but the studio wanted it to be in black-and-white cuz they said Jack Lemmon and Tony Curtis as broads had a weird ghoulish skin tone in color. were their faces really green like The Munsters?
Lily Munster: i DEFY you when you tell me i'm not hot!!!
Billy: what was the last black-and-white film anyway?...
Lily Munster: you would have scared off audiences with those women...
Billy Wilder: let's face it, this offering of mine is nowhere NEAR the sumptuous, glamorous, grand, head-scratching, noir-juicy, sophisticated, monkey butler, pool-ponderous masterpiece thinkpiece that is my Sunset Blvd....
Billy: Sunset Blvd is Hamlet and this is Gidget...
Celine: was this based on a French play? ALL Hollywood films are based on French plays...
Marilyn Monroe: call me what you will but i singlehandedly DESTROYED that fucking Hays Code!!!
Jean Harlow: thank you, Miss Marilyn.
Jack Lemmon: why am i always in a swing band in every movie? i call my double-bass Betsy the mortadella machine gun, Talky Tina the Tommy gun on toast...
Jack Lemmon: be patient with me, i have Generalized Anxiety Disorder.
Tony Curtis: i don't, hence why i'm a ladies' man.
Jack: why do we have to play in a speakeasy during Prohibition? wouldn't it be safer to play at a Macy's? why is the gangster who owns OUR speakeasy Toothpick instead of Sausage?...
Jack: oh God, is this the REAL Valentine's Day Massacre?!!! i think i'm gonna be sick.
Tony: take an antacid. or a yogurt bar like my five-year-old daughter Jamie Lee keeps harping on about.
odd-jobs office.
Tony: hey you got any odd jobs for us, sweetheart?
secretary: the usual. replacing a gigantic window pane while avoiding stepping in a bucket of wet cement. but The Three Stooges took that one.
Jack: why do they call you Sweet Sue?
Sweet Sue: cuz i eat pussy like nobody's business.
Tony: society syncopators, what's that?
Sweet Sue: we do Nine Inch Nails synthesiser recitals for David Beckham.
Jack: Sugar Kane? you're from Hawaii?
Marilyn Monroe: well we're going to Miami which is the same as Hawaii NOW, no ugly politics, just a great place, an oasis for sand and sunshine and doing the Lindy hop in an empty ballroom.
Jack: oh yeah, i keep forgetting this takes place during the 1920s...
Blanche from Golden Girls: it's one of those new health clubs that have sprung up all around the country dotting the highways...
Tony: hey where's your ukulele?
Marilyn: in my vagina. if you know what i mean. are you enjoying my ukulele performance?
Tony: the swing of the hips, i get it now...
Marilyn in the ocean: you have no tits and muscular bodies, i envy you girls.
Jack: we make ugly women.
Tony: yeah, we're no competition to you, doll, don't worry.
Marilyn: i need a GIANT shell to be Venus. get it? Shell Oil.
bellboy: i got the doorman's key, let's make a night of it, sweetums.
Jack: kid, aspire higher. instead of ending up another standard masher, aspire to be in a Wes Anderson film...
Tony: i'm trying to affect a Cary Grant accent here with my voice, how am i doing? he was Australian, right?
Marilyn: what's with this BIG-ASS BEACH UMBRELLA?
Tony: F. Scott Fitzgerald was here.
Marilyn: i'm looking for a gentle bespectacled millionaire. you know, like my husband Arthur Miller.
the Hotel del Coronado: EVERYTHING was filmed here!!! Somewhere in Time!!! this is the Eagles' Hotel California!!!
Marilyn doing some light beach reading: Marilyn Monroe and her bosom companions. oh brother, newspapers these days, am i right? just don't get political. not referring to you two boobs, Jack and Tony, but MY two boobs...
on the train back to Chicago...
Jack: time for Pictionary and polishing toes, girls!!! who brought the melted Gruyere? who brought the triangular grape slushes?...
Marilyn: aren't trains meant for sex? the cabin cars are so CRAMPED what else are you gonna do? isn't that why it's called a CABOOSE? can i tell you my deepest darkest secret?
Jack, sweating: ...
Marilyn: i've never had sex.
Tony: you pretty girls have it easy in life, you buxom bombshells just pick the richest man and live on easy street. the platinum portal.
Marilyn: i'd be more impressed if you started building electric cars NOW in the 1920s...
Osgood Fielding III: wanna fuck?
Jack: yes.
Osgood: oh shit.........that completely deflated everything.........the chase is over, the whole point is the chase, the only point is the chase...
Jack: your mother LOVES me!!!
Osgood: i hate my life...
Dan Fielding at a Gilligan's Island drydock: UNCLE OSGOOD!!! i learned EVERYTHING about women from this man!!!...
on the partyboat houseboat yacht.
dad: wait hold on, nothing like this EVER happened when i was at Princeton!!!
Marilyn: is this yacht made with the wood from a burned monastery?
Tony: i dunno but i got wood that just burned out. you gotta do me in my time window, i'm a one-minute man.
Janet Leigh: you can keep him, honey, one blonde to another...
Tony: psychological trauma has left me impotent and frigid.
Marilyn: only women can get frigid.
Tony: i'm a woman...
Marilyn: what happened?
Tony: i've seen things. i saw Artax trapped sinking down a Shell Oil spill. Artax was my Vietnam...
Marilyn: so what? i fucked Nostradamus and he told me that World War III is DEFINITELY gonna happen...
La Cumparsita: not as dirty as it sounds...
Tony: you can't marry Osgood!!!
Jack: he CARES about me, Tony, nobody's ever CARED about me.
Tony: the body parts don't work!!!
Jack: it's not about sex, it's about love. we'll never have sex and Osgood will still brandish that creepy long rubberman Joker clay smile of his...
Friends of Italian Opera banquet-hall longtable.
gangsters: we come together as opera-lovers to celebrate the lives of those poor mooks who we rubbed out in a hail of Tommy-gun bullets. it's hailing inside, gentlemen, wear your overcoats. make sure they all get a proper Catholic burial with a gay priest.
on the phone.
Marilyn: but i'm in love with you. who's in Venezuela?
Tony: Messi.
on stage.
Tony: why is it that no man can resist a torch singer?
David Lynch: preach, man, peach. and i'm not religious.
Tony: i must kiss you.
Marilyn: oh my God!!! i understand now!!! i'm a lesbian!!!
Jack and Tony: let's do this chase scene Scooby-Doo-style, running in and out of six closets. and then we'll take the elevator and exit strategically into that lobby that looks like the Bosom Buddies hotel...
Marilyn on the bed.
Marilyn: i am so suicidally happy when i'm with you two men.........come on!!! why did I have to use THAT word?!!! that is so fucking CRUEL...
motorboating to get away...
Osgood: i don't get it, why doesn't my broad smile attract the broads?
Tina Louise: hey is this thing going to Gilligan's Island? i fittingly play Marilyn Monroe in the Broadway version of this...
Jack: you don't want me, man. i'm infertile.
Osgood: is that contagious from Tony's impotency? IVF EXPLODED in the 1920s!!!...
Jack: i smoke.
Osgood: me, too, cloves. the ones with the Garbage Pail Kids comics wrapped around the cigarette.
Jack: i'm a man, okay?!!!
Osgood: well, nobody's perfect.
Gallagher: okay that was a GREAT ENDING LINE, i admit that, i admit that.
Billy Wilder: you know Arthur Miller was a pain in my stanky ass all throughout the shooting of this. he'd hover around Marilyn on set making sure she didn't get wet.
Arthur Miller: hey man, i'm a fucking WRITER!!! if I make changes to the script, that MEANS SOMETHING!!!
Billy: fucking writers, annoying as hell. annoying as all get-out. g'night folks.
Marilyn Monroe and Arthur Miller in bed.
Marilyn Monroe: IT'S ME, SUGAR!!!
Arthur Miller: why did you shout that RIGHT as i was about to cum?...
Marilyn: do we have a child yet? do we have a family yet? is my life finally stable?...
me by the fire: in honor of that hot jazz, that hot improvisational jazz, i'm gonna order the first thing that pops on the TV from an Arby's commercial...
Jazz Age Arby's: back in the 1920s we still used beef tallow. two shakes of a lamb's tail. we don't put lamb in our shakes. two of our shakes are colder than two shakes of Marilyn Monroe's rump. the new Rump Sandwich!!! not available on DoorDash!!! has that dulled taste of train food...
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