me: i'm going back to college.
Jen P: where have i heard this before?
me: no seriously this time. i dunno. i just feel i have to DO something now, you know? no more excuses.
Jen: covid is over.
me: i'm REALLY starting to get bored. i have to go back and do it right this time, go in with a plan. i didn't have a plan before, i was rudderless and a waylaid wingnut. i should be studying Theatre, doing plays, writing plays.
Jen: i'll help you with that. when was the last time you acted?
me: i act all the time in my fantasies.
Jen: but, like, how are you gonna sustain yourself writing plays? writing plays can't be your JOB, that's an airy pipe dream, take it from me, i only survive cuz i have a mysterious trust fund.
me: therein lies the rub. i'm not going back to Berkeley. per se. not the famous one, i'm attending Berkeley City College, that's a pubic college, right? it's free, right?
Jen: no shame in your game, that's very admirable. a degree's a degree, right? no one's gonna know, it says the word BERKELEY on the diploma, that's as far as anyone reads, you'll still be a hit at parties trying to impress your rich relatives.
me: i wish Aunt Cork would've helped me more...
Aunt Cork: money heals all wounds.
Jen: so ready for a SECOND bombshell? second hammer? you can't stay at my place anymore.
me: i understand. that Island Treehouse was quite extravagant for two people anyway.
Jen: yeah. my dad wants to cut it down for Amazon Rainforest scrapwood to erect a mall. he voted for Bolsonaro. don't you have an aunt or something who lives in the suburbs?
me: i'm thinking of one better...
at the park. without a car.
me: i've been inspired by British TV lately. Ewen MacIntosh the original Keith on The Office, he was in that comedy troupe The Improverts.
Jen: nice name.
me: i want to be in a creative group like that for once, a true-blue bonafide university comedy coven that uses blue humor and adult humor as in sophisticated intellectual humor and has college-aged women in it. i'm sick of writing alone.
Jen: i want to see you thrive. what is your deepest desire in life?
me: to have a wife who's also my mommy.
Jen: okay but like, career-wise?
me: i want to MONOLOGUE my way through life...
The Outer Limits "Balance of Nature".
Barbara Rush: i always wanted to do a Carlos Reygadas film...
PG&E: we have to do rolling blackouts that last two days to prevent a power outage which lasts a year.
Jackie Fitzgerald: what are you gonna do, huh? Carmel is pretty enough to endure this. it's not like any of us are gonna start giving Elon Musk MORE money.
Scarlett Johansson: i record my voice for use in anime now, just to piss everyone off...
Boc: a corkscrew landed on my head. that's gotta mean something, right?
seagull from the roof: i did it. because you need to learn to relax, Boc.
Boc: walking weather is 70 to 80 so it's no fun, it JUST MISSES 69. as you know i'm not into tits so DD doesn't stand for big juicy Double-D titties, it stands for my father, Dad Denny's...
Gordon Ramsay: is there anything more satisfying than Saturday Morning Soccer with a Sausage N Egg McMuffin in your gob?
Cushing syndrome: it's crushing.
Front Counter Custom: we here at the Jack in the Box in Berkeley go the extra mile to foster our gifted students' creativity. it's not fashioning the light-brown cardboard drink-holder into a balloon animal, it's putting our burgers and fries INSIDE a vintage tin jack-in-the-box from a carnival in Paris in 1923.
Jen and i are strolling around inside a tiny grey grocery cart that barely squeezes in the both of us rolling up down all around the narrow aisles of our local corner mart here at Berkeley. at 1 in the afternoon.
me: i mean this in the most scientific way possible: did your tits grow?
Jen: you don't fool me, you'd NEVER be a Science Major!!! you'd rather, i don't know, DROP OUT OF COLLEGE than study science!!!
me: it's still a hobby of mine tho. it's still my creed. i need it for those university quizzes on Saturday nights.
Jen: it's a good thing this mart is right next to a bus bench.
me: what happened to our car?!!! i mean your car.
Jen: the real DeLorean? mommy lent it out to Michael J. Fox for his one last ride.
me: i always did like your mother more than your father.
Old Spice on the shelf: see? we make Unscented spray, too...
Dirg: sex quest...
Mardith: sex questions before you get married?
Dirg: no, that PC game Sex Quest. for the Personal Computer...
Mardith: sigh.
helado cart with orange slices frozen to the side of the water panel on the corner: the official start of Spring...
Barbecue Township, North Carolina: look at the map, it even looks like a pork cutlet...
Lana Del Rey: my pussy tastes like Pepsi-Cola. but i'm a switch, i'll try Coke. especially that new Coke Spice. speaking of, am i in Dune? it seems like if anyone should be in Dune it should be me...
Lorne Michaels: i mean have you EVER seen such a surreally bizarre thing in television history? you fire someone then that someone ends up HOSTING the show?!!! there must have been a clause in his termination contract...
at the Berkeley Film and Cell Institute.
Takahashi: i have one more year to go...
me: me, too. how hard could it be?
The Walking Dead: um, can we just let the whole Walking Dead thing DIE?!!! BOTH MEANINGS!!! seriously. just let it go, this franchise became a zombie DECADES ago...
Dragon's Lair cartoon: i know this cartoon and Smurfs are both Medieval cartoons, but man this is nothing like The Smurfs in any manner of qualitative measurement of quality.
Bertram the horse: imagine ACTUALLY being a knight in Medieval times.........imagine your day-to-day life in that knight job...
Alfonso Cuaron in Mexico City: i got some extra black-and-white water in my fridge...
Tears for Fears "Advice for the Young at Heart" music video: that man was carrying a flattened paper hat of In-N-Out Burger fries!!!
Smoking Behind the Supermarket with You: if Lost in Translation were a manga...
Ear Horn: smoking is allowed INSIDE Pic-N-Save, it was the '80s...
Chamberlain Coffee: makes a priest see Meggie as more than an Outback parishioner...
Richard Chamberlain: i was not gay during The Thorn Birds...
Meggie eating her own donut: church kitchens are fascinating, they hoard the best coffee down there...
Ear Horn: witchcraft is such a dirty word. back in my day it was called demonry, such a gentle word.
Candace Bailey: my Whopper topping? green M&Ms that look like Nickelodeon slime of course!!! wasn't i in a Burger King commercial in the '80s with Seth Green when we were both 5-year-old kids?...
i settle into my new apartment and living arrangements in the Berkeley suburbs.
Alejandro: hey Pat.
i shake Alejandro by the collar in love.
me: i greatly admire you, Alejandro. i really do. you're my only friend in this cold cruel world, you're the only non-family person that i embrace physically with hugs. i wish i had your life, you work at the mart then you go on the bus cuz you can't drive back to your gated community, your life is so safe and secure, no drama, it's the best.
Alejandro: i find that people don't see me any different because of my condition, in fact they embrace me MORE warmly.
me: everyone in bed!!! well not you, Alejandro, just Jen.
Jen knocks on the door.
Jen P, shocked face with those puckered lips: oh i see!!! so THIS is why you wanted to move out!!! who is SHE?!!!
Jen R in bed: hi. i know your name is Jen, too, i can tell from your face you're a fellow Jennifer, we have a psychic connection.
Jen P: yeah. you know what, i'm not even mad, you don't have to explain, i actually understand. it's fine. it's fine. it's time, right? i can't ask you to make a sacrifice and then expect to not get burned.
me: it's time. but we're still college chums for life, right?
Jen P: i'm a college chump but you found YOUR Jennifer.
Ken: a Jeopardy College Champ will be crowned soon during Spring Break...
me: Jen R's gonna be the the Princess of Berkeley.
Jen P: i can see that on your face, Jen R, you'll fit right in and take over by noon.
Jen R: and by moon. my naked butt. gimme gimme gimme gimme Gimme Chameleon...
Jen P: oh hi Alejandro.
Alejandro: hey Pat.
Jen P: Alejandro, you, and me used to all work at the mart that summer BEFORE college. those were simpler innocent times. *rustling her white plastic grocery bag* anyway speaking of the mart i brought us all some Subway. of course i didn't think it was gonna be for FOUR people.
Alejandro: let the four of us eat and be merry!!!
me: oh that's cool i was just thinking about Subway, i want to try their new sides, i want to see what a Subway churro tastes like.
Jen R: i need to taste that fucking chocolate-chip-cookie belt.
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