Chris Evert: wait there's ANOTHER knock at the door? who is it THIS time?
Jimmy Connors looking out their balcony: oh shit, my old nemesis has returned.
John McEnroe is down below the apartment complex on the S curveway driveway. he looks up, takes out a brown paper bag, puts his poo in it, lights it with his Andre Agassi goldplated Vegas lighter, and CHUCKS the flaming poo bag up to the balcony where Jimmy and Chris are.
Jimmy: not cool, dude. my wife is here.
Chris: awww that's sweet.
John: i don't care about Chris.
Chris: you never did in ALL those Wimbledon telecasts we did with Bud Collins, never laughed at ANY of my jokes.
John: i only care about YOU. i'm gunning for YOU, Jimbo. we are Naruto and Sasuke!!!
Jimmy: take a step, man. what's the matter THIS time? there are always so many things wrong with you swirling your head.
John takes out another brown paper lunch bag, empties his bowels into it, and FLINGS it at the balcony.
Jimmy: you want me to call Paul?
Paul: i'd like to smell all this shit. caca city.
John takes a THIRD bag of fire caca and THROWS it like Clayton Kershaw right onto atop Jimmy's long hair.
Jimmy: bro calm down. let's talk about this. what'd you have for LUNCH to produce all that poo?
John: tuna fish.
Jimmy: i mean at least be creative with it. do one poo, one pee, one vomit.
John: i would have but i really enjoyed that tuna fish.
John takes a DEEP DEFATIGABLE sigh.
John: i don't know, brother, i'm just so TIRED.
Jimmy: with what? with me? with life? with tennis?
John: with everything, man. tennis ain't the same and it's never coming back. there's nothing to get EXCITED about anymore. everyone's gone. the two biggest personalities in the sport, Emma Raducanu and Nick Kyrgios, are sidelined indefinitely. i mean are we EVER gonna see them again?!!!
Emma Raducanu: as long as you stay 50 feet away from me per the restraining order.
Nick Kyrgios: i don't know, mate, tennis was never fun for me, tennis was a JOB to me, like those priests on Father Ted.
John: there's nothing for me to DO anymore.
Jimmy washes his hands then puts his arm around his old friend's balding hair.
Jimmy: sure there is, buddy. but you have to take a LONG HARD LOOK at yourself in the mirror, Johnny boy. tennis has given you EVERYTHING. now you must give EVERYTHING back to tennis. it's time for you to be tennis's first commissioner, my friend. time for you to make the hard decisions.
John: as long as i don't have to ban Nadal for life. hey, can i crash here for a few weeks?
Jimmy: you're asking the wrong person.
John: right. sorry. wifey, i mean Chris, can i? your pad?
Chris, sighing: fine. but we don't have a spare bedroom. you're gonna have to sleep in the tub.
John: that's better than when i was living in a tin can in a French hostel in Paris trying to win the French Open.
Chris: i can't hate. i gotta give it up. i gotta give it up to you, that's TWO souls you've mended. i gotta say, i gotta say it, you're looking more attractive to me now than you have in a VERY VERY LONG time.
Jimmy: just doing my job, ma'am.
Cleopatra: why do i look like Gwyneth Paltrow?
Cleopatra: this smells like my orgasm...
Mark Antony: does mine smell sweeter than Caesar's?
Emily: i am REALLY REALLY sick. i am VERY VERY ill.
Kumail: are you sure you don't just have to take a shit again?
Run-DMC: Emily is ill/ she ill cuz pimpin ain't easy but she don't need no cane/ you won't get bored/ you want more/ when Emily is poorly.
the monks descend on the burned-down monastery.
Thomas Merton holding a lit cigarette betwixt his lips: sorry. burnt-out monastery, both meanings.
Cotard: where's brother?
Minster: lagging behind and lazyass as always.
Codrus: this is a fool's errand!!! all the trees here are burnt to ash, how will you collect yacht wood from them? from this CRISP!!!
Cotard: you're not looking CLOSELY, brother, these trees are DISEASED because they've been overworked for fruit and never replanted properly.
Boc: story of my life.
Thomas Merton: again i apologize. plucked to Purgatory, that was all me.
Cotard: see these trees for what they were, a beautiful symbol of hard work.
Minster: a symbol of being worked to death. which fits into the rich/poor dynamic for symbolism using this very wood to make a fucking yacht!!!
Ben Gunn: i can see now. i went to LensCrafters at the mall.
Melissa Maker: Canada has better malls than America.
Colin Kaepernick: until things change i won't stand, that's my STANCE.
mom: one day i'll recover and do an Easy Rider ride with my son in a Caprice. i call him Patrice.
me: but are you driving? cuz i'm not.
Michael Weiss: i gotta give up looking at beautiful women's Instagrams for Lent...
Premier League: this afternoon on Premier League we're gonna dissect Haaland's psychological profile. what is going on with this young Norwegian man? i mean that header was WIDE open...
Pee-wee Herman: turns out it was Pee-wee's Last Adventure...
Pee-wee Herman: the movie that caused covid...
Resident Alien: we take after the comedy of Alien Nation...
Zelenskyy: real war, not Instagram.
Michael Weiss: i really gotta return to being a war correspondent like my early days with NPR.
Ron Jeremy: count down from 20...
The Pirates of Dark Water: if Queensryche were a show.
Chico and the Man "Raul Runs Away, Part 2": and suddenly this turns into one of those '80s Mexican movies filmed entirely outside they played on Channel 4 Sundays at 1PM.
Epstein from Kotter: i'm also part-Mexican...
Dorothy Gale: who wants to live in Kansas? it's nothing but flat farms. i wanna live in EXCITING California. there are no tornados in California...
Ninja Kamui: there's nothing more SATISFYING than seeing two corrupt cops getting the FUCK beat outta them.
Brazil Ranch, California: NOT Destinos...
eBay: pair of Garbage Pail Kids heavily damaged for sale. ironically, the cards are Terri Cloth and Dee Faced...
Tom Cruise: i don't have a heart.
Brad Pitt: i know.
Tom Cruise: no i mean i don't have a heartbeat cuz i was in that movie about vampires...
Boc: need to do a Healing Walk? heal with your heel.
Doryce: Meat Scissors, the name of my Korean boy band in college...
Chris Evert, sighing; okay fine, i GUESS we can give our marriage a second chance.
Jimmy Connors: let's give the concept of marriage another shot, like a tennis shot. but can you promise me one thing, baby?
Chris: what.
Jimmy: abortion is a dirty word, right?
Chris: right. but...
Jimmy: no that's okay, that's okay, that's it, that's all i want to know. okay, well, i best be leaving. i gotta go, don't want to keep my 3 o'clock waiting. we call him Hollywood. he has a hot doubles partner whom i'm guessing is his future wife? Australian chickadee.
Chris: Russell Crowe plays tennis?
Russell Crowe: badly.
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