SEX BAKERY

Jen R and i are getting married. the wedding is today.

Jen R: in NYC of course. you'd be surprised how few churches there are still left in the city. 

me: but aren't you Jewish?

Jen: wait it's Valentine's Day today, right?

me: hence our wedding date. our marriage date. 

Jen: and we never went on one date. wait we can't get married today!!!

me: i've had nightmares about this...

Jen: we gotta see the Bob Marley movie first.

me: that dude with the dreadlocks who plays Bob Marley is GUARANTEED to win the Oscar.

Jen: this film drops Vallo's Day, it's perfect, ONE LOVE.

afterward.

Jen: i could eat AS a horse. when i eat, i pack it in, i eat for two even when i'm not pregnant, no girl dinner here.

me: you're pregnant?!!! am i FINALLY gonna get the dream of having my second family?!!!...

Jen: oh shit i forgot!!! Deliveroo is ON STRIKE today!!! how are we gonna get our wedding food?

me: what are you in the mood for?

Jen: banana pudding. but it's gotta be from the Original Source, Magnolia Bakery in NYC, the Sex and the City bakery.

me: i'll see what i can do. does Magnolia deliver of itself? like a McDelivery kinda thing?

Tom Cruise: i can run fast...

me: so i had to run MYSELF across ALL the streets of NYC to get these TWO banana muffins here on time but i made it. all the cabs gave me the finger, i felt so ALIVE in the city!!! my Air Jordans are sweating, so much soaked sweat, they have cigar burns on the buttons. each button is one big cigar burn.

Jen: it's premium banana pudding, priest, a saintly slurry. with that Christ crust. worth it. knurled knobs of nubs...

Father Navin: whatever, let's get this fucking thing over with.

Jen in her pink-grandma-sweater knit wedding dress comes down the lane looking like a snack.

suddenly a couple of Sex and the City extras throw rice at Jen's face.

Jen: what the FUCK, my dudes, that rice LANDED IN MY EYE!!! i can't see!!! i'm blind now.

me: love is blind tho. you still want me, right?

Jen: imma bout to deck some men in an impromptu bout, Brad Pitt-style on the wharf. it's gonna be a wet wharf wedding. like a dream.

Father Navin: look, woman, punch me in the face if it makes you feel better, i'm late for Premier League.

Navin: do you, me, take Jen as your lawfully wedded wife?

me: i take Jen as my spirit animal. she's the best person in the world. i'm addicted to Jen like meth. we share an interest in '70s TV. the purpose of my life was never to achieve anything, it was merely to fall in love with Jen R. 

Jen R: simple song like simple syrup. a simple sauce if you will.

me: that i need to sample everyday...

Navin: and now the exchange of gifts.

me: i got you an ULTRA-RARE FLAVOR of a tin of Campbell's can of Split Pea Soup. no Ham. no ham, i promise.

Andy Warhol: wow, not even I have THIS one. and my middle name is Andersen...

Jen: this is fab. and just what i needed, we'll use this one can to feed all our wedding guests. oh and for you well of course i got you this one gallon of Coke syrup in a moonshine jug.

i hug Jen with more love than if i kissed her.

me: THIS proves we're soulmates.

Jen: see? now you can REALLY make McDonald's Coke at home!!!

RFK Jr.: i'm sorry.........i am so sorry that i come from this prestigious family and i somehow ended up crazy.

JFK: i mean you used The Smithsonian for that Super Bowl Commercial?!!!...

Luke Russert: if there EVER was a need for my burlap grocery bag with the strap handle, it's to carry a 30-pound bag of orange cat food...

Heathcliff and Garfield: ...

Tai: you have to know the space of your own stomach. Luke, you don't turn off my water anymore...

Ioz: why does everyone on The Pirates of Dark Water sound like they're in a Scooby-Doo cartoon?...

William Shakespeare: you know why Port Washington is a nice place to live? 

Jen R: NYC or the NYC suburbs? both are nice in different ways...

Shakespeare: heavy hint, it's a hamlet...

Washington from Kotter: i'm from Port Washington.........don't tell the fellas, the Sweathogs would never understand, especially Horshack...

Night Court.

Olivia at the funeral: it doesn't matter what your religious denomination is, WE'RE ALL WORM FOOD IN THE END!!!

Jesus: look at me petting the Sesame Street worm and smile...

Abby: life is hard. life is IMPOSSIBLE without friends. friends are more important than lovers...

the '80s: Beta used to be a good thing. in fact Beta was COOLER than VHS!!! betta believe it was Beta. the VCR Wars were like the Late Night Wars, it was BETA for a while. Beta was the cool indie underground rare hard-to-find video format which offered a clearer screen and a secret menu...

GEICO commercial: yeah that's young Eddie Vedder in the bleachers. or his son or something...

Kurt Cobain: i had an illegitimate son with Eddie Vedder, his name was Pee-wee Herman...

Michael Weiss: Instagram is not about LOVE, Instagram is about ATTENTION.........did Julia Ioffe see this post?...

Abbot Butt: love will turn every human being on the face of this Earth to ash...

Keith Haring: i was doing Banksy before Banksy.

Banksy: in the '80s?

Keith: no i do you in bed now. i did all that skulking in subways like a gorgeous ninja. surreptitiously not being seen as i scribbled on subway signs and drew my happy little chalk people. what were you doing then?

Banksy: watching Voltron. Keith was my favorite Voltron character. your graffiti was the graffiti of goodness. i love your voice, Keith, it's so John Wayne.

Keith: do you know how hard i am? i've gotten arrested a multitude of times. the cops are scared of me. i'm harder than any '90s gangsta rapper which came after me...

Banksy: you gorgeous glasses ninja, a gorgeous ninja with glasses. a ninja with glasses...

menopause: when there's no more sex, only food. when you start seeing the McDonald's Big Breakfast as Aquaman.........the Aquaman who's best friends with Lenny Kravitz...

Jason Momoa: we're motorcycle buddies. i'm scooter buddies with Channing Tatum.

Gladyce: i've had this feeling since i was born...

Channing Tatum: i'm doing The Maxx for Hollywood. i'm playing the Maxx, you won't see my face, only my muscles. who's gonna play Julie? Jennette McCurdy...

Backroad Truckers: you haven't LIVED till you drive through a forest that is NOT a road in a truck that's been sheared in half along the serrated edge like a sardine tin...

Boc: all these people on the electric stairlift at the gym at 7:30AM in the morning.........practicing for the NEXT Valentine's Day...

Boc: and a clay butt stares me down from the window of that sculptor's shoppe...

Trent Reznor: "Instant Hurt," sounds like one of my songs. used to advertise Tang orange powder.

Marilyn Manson: Deadhole should have been one of my album titles. i don't make music anymore...

Jimmy Fallon: who does the '80s better? me or Mark Hapka?...

Temu Super Bowl ad: why did this RUN THREE TIMES? when overtime hit, the Super Bowl Commercials started going into REPEATS. repeats already?...

Google Javier in Frame.

hard-of-seeing man asking the camera: how many in frame?

camera: the two in the hospital bed.........the THREE in the hospital bed... 

me: and i cried like a baby. a baby i wish i had. that gets me every time. i want a family like this.

Celine: reminded me of our twins announcement in Before Midnight.

Kia.

housebound grandpa watching granddaughter ice-skate outside: wait, when did we get an ice pond?...

Arnold Schwarzenegger: neighBAA.

Danny DeVito: NOW you want to watch Twins. you never watched Twins the first time...

Prince: watch it in a frigid Minnesota theater...

Christopher Walken: fine, do my voice in front of me but NEVER sing that infernal Fatboy Slim song in my presence!!!

Fatboy Slim: but i'm wearing the Dunking orange jumpsuit, i look like EVERY DJ...

Uber Eats commercial on strike.

Jennifer Aniston: who are you?

Matthew Perry: okay that's REALLY cold...

Jennifer Aniston: in order to remember something you must forget something, makes a little room in your head. 

Matthew Perry: did you forget to get your tan today?

Jennifer Aniston: i forgot Lycoris Recoil...

David Schwimmer: there's no Botox on my face, can't you tell? Andre Agassi hit my face with a tennis ball...

Poppi: the future of soda. is fruit. because there will be no more water...

Bradley Cooper's mom: why didn't you win a football game like i told you to? Mama Kelce got to do Letterman in her letterman jacket.

Bradley Cooper: i make movies.

mom: yes but what you do actually DO, son?

Bradley: i.........try to make art.........sometimes...

Bud Light genie: you want Peyton Manning to be your best friend? why?

Peyton Manning: Eli was taken. i wished for that T-rex to come and lick Tom Brady's back.

Jeff Goldblum: T-rexes are rather docile creatures once you give them a porcelain toilet, they just want to go to the bathroom.

Reese's Peanut Butter Cup: caramel is old. your grandfather likes caramel. so it turns out the Reese's 9-inch Cup Pie was ACTUALLY E.T.'s spaceship...

Berkeley college student: a gilf kissed me...

E.T.: no one calls them Reese's Chocolate Cups...

Jeff Goldblum: i was ALMOST in Short Circuit. i dodged the fuck outta that bullet.

aliens: yes all aliens are gay, that's the natural order of the universe.

me: i'm crying melancholy tears. 

Jen hugs me like no one else can.

Jen R: what's wrong? this is supposed to be the happiest day of your life. it was the most TIRING day of MY life.

me: have you ever been so frightened of something ending?

Jen: want me to punch the tears out of your eyes? i'm crying too, because i have rice in my eye. 

me: slap me silly.

Jen: i would never slap the silly inside your balls. that's what makes you unique.

me: i am so scared of losing you. our friendship is on such a fragile tendril. how long will this friendship last? what if i don't hear from you tomorrow? or the next day? or the next year? do i assume from your ghost silence it's over and i need to move on? i NEVER want to move on, there's nothing to move on to. there's nobody else to love. texts are so tenuous...

Jen: i'll text you tomorrow about this.

me: text chains are like a fishing line in a silvery lake...

Jen: wait i can't leave you now!!! we haven't seen On Golden Pond yet!!!