Andre Agassi uses his bald head to lightly politely knock on the door of the Connorses.
Jimmy Connors: hello? is anyone out there?
Andre Agassi: I'M FUCKING COMING IN!!!
Andre RAMS his bald head into the door splitting it in two along the splinter.
Jimmy: damn, i thought that door was metal. what's going on, buddy?
Andre RAMS his bald head into Jimmy's face.
Jimmy: that hurt, buddy. use your words not your shiny head.
Andre: see? see? you shoulda got a bald head when it was still in vogue. it was COOL to have long hair like you did in your '70s heyday but no more. now you don't have the WEAPON i have along with Billy Corgan.
Telly Savalas: and me when i wasn't playing with dolls...
Andre: you can't protect yourself anymore, old man!!! the tennis gods have FORSAKEN you, sir!!!
Jimmy: if i go to the barbershop and chop it up with the fellas, talk it out with Kobe, will you stop all this?
Andre starts to cry, the tears go UP onto the top of his bald head settling like a little bird's nest.
Andre: you stole Steffi from me, stole her out from under me, you stole my girl.
Jimmy: nah, how could i? i don't drive a Lambo. i don't have courtside Lakers seats in my wallet. it was just a fling with Steffi Graf, it was just sex, no feeling. no feeling in my extremities. it was German sex, completely passionless, you know how it is.
Andre: sorry, man. did i cause blood on your handsome face?
Jimmy: i don't bleed anymore. ever since they banned it at Wimbledon.
Andre: i feel so lost without Brooke. that's what this is really about, i couldn't care less about Steffi Graf, she was just the replacement for Brooke.
Jimmy: yeah i understand, i feel ya.
Andre: Brooke and i were supposed to last 30 years in marriage, have 9 kids in wedded bliss like Tom Green and Drew Barrymore in a Sonoma camper.
Jimmy: i don't know that you're man enough to handle a bodacious woman like Brooke Shields. for starters, she's taller than you. what is this really about? possessions, right? not love. if you hadn't been a numbnuts and kept Brooke's Friends trophies.
Andre: i didn't!!!.........well i did, sorta. i kept the COUCH, man, cuz PIVOT is the ONLY funny thing that has ever happened on Friends, it's the only funny Friends. and Schwimmer and i are tight, i promised i'd protect his sticky sofa and he'd grant me a shikibuton stay at his crashpad in the '90s.
Brooke Shields: you never broke me, Andre. we didn't grow together, Andre, i wanted to keep Mr. Pickles as our family dog and you wanted no pets. a family can't survive without the family pet!!!
Andre Agassi: no it's that Mr. Pickles is Satan. he's literally Satan.
Brooke: why didn't you keep your long hair, Andre? you used to look cool like Jimmy Connors...
YouTube channel: everybody's first production company...
Doryce: i like it when the sun spits in my face. when it's spitting rain and the sun is out, a spitting sunshower, sunshine spit.
Boc: are you sure you don't want to walk with me?...
Brad Pitt: Tom Cruise and i, we're like Naruto and Sasuke...
Interview with the Vampire ships scene.
Tom Cruise: burning the ships, do you like that expression? there is so much dark water here, and we are pirates...
Brad Pitt: well Dracula DID come to Transylvania aboard a ship...
Claudia: but we don't talk about Dracula...
Backroad Truckers on The Weather Channel: of course there's one midget, one blonde woman, and one woman with glasses because Velma really is actually a great show.
slow food, slow flowers: because Valentine's Day is on the short bus this year.
Boc: if you see an old man doing the electric stairs at the gym at 7:30AM in the morning, i guarantee you he's an army general. i never said WHICH army...
seagull: we have our own version of hydroplaning, we slide off the 45-degree-angled roofs at The Barnyard...
Mark Hapka: HAPKA!!! mark your yoda, i am Mark your Yoda, mark my words, mark my Yoda words...
Michael Weiss: so there's no normal person on Instagram...
Julia Ioffe: ...
Julia Ioffe: including yourself...
AFC Bournemouth logo: Head & Shoulders in the Irish Spring with a dab of Pantene...
The Pirates of Dark Water.
Ren: we walk like the Scooby-Doo gang...
Tula: um, can we stall the noble adventure for one Saturday night? i wanna go to my senior prom...
Red Lobster: it's cool for a while. the lobsters tell you things. but you soon realize it's a dead-end job like everything else...
Tula: yes. the only cool thing you get to do there is that credit-card imprinter you push left to right, that big chunk plastic block...
GNC: you wanna make a GCP? a Game-Changing Play? drink an inordinate amount of GNC powder.
Kurt Warner: ...
Jim Harbaugh: multitudes of powder...
Erin Clark: my COMMITMENT to KSBW FAR EXCEEDED my COMMITMENT to my marriage...
Burger King Million Dollar Topping: we had to do SOMETHING to compete with McDonald's Monopoly. we tried Burger King Uncle Wiggily in the '80s...
Pepsi Number Fever: ...
Ninja Kamui: the cause? lack of friendships...
Ninja Kamui: the dark side of organized crime? there's a light side?...
Persona 3 Reload commercial: not Timothee Chalamet...
Timothee Chalamet: it's pronounced Tim-o-TAY...
Bob Marley movie: Rated PG-13 for marijuana smoke THROUGHOUT...
When Calls the Heart: Somewhere in Time in TV form...
Superman: what could have been. maybe if i spin the Earth a few times, like a top...
Teva Loft: yeah i'm the next Brad Pitt, mark my words.
Tom Cruise: a messy Brad Pitt.
Teva Loft: no i'm not gonna be a fire-eater when i grow up, that's not cool, mahalo, not funny. i'm a laid-back Hawaii surfer but my hang-loose has a Lestat claw on it...
Zack Morris: even I went from serene to mean...
Vince Lombardi trophy: what is this? WWE?...
The Outer Limits: don't you love how we force a sex scene into every episode even when it's completely implausible and ridiculous? that's what makes the sex so HOT...
Jennifer Beals: what a feeling. it seems Flashdance is the ONLY universally accepted and beloved film that EVERYONE has to do a riff on in their expensive commercial...
Jimmy Connors wipes away the tears on Andre Agassi's bald head by rubbing that bald head so hard it starts to SQUEAK.
Chris Evert: i love how you calmed your friend just now. you soothed him down.
Jimmy: i smoothed him down.
Chris: you brought him back from the ledge. on the other side of the tennis net as the case may be.
Jimmy: Andre's a big teddy bear once you get to know him. don't let his scowly face fool you, that's tennis determination. i give him a few squeezes in his soft stomach and he begins to SQUEAK...
Chris: that's hot. how you handled Andre Agassi like that. an aggressive Andre Agassi, how you manhandled Andre's emotions like that. that's hot to me. you haven't been hot to me in 20 years. but i can't shake the feeling, is this a fluke? is this a one-time thing or have you really CHANGED?...
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