Sora AI: sure, but can Sora heal you when you're sick on the weekend? don't get sick on weekends, EVERY doctor's office is closed.
Chinese dragon: see? i told you i was real...
Skip Bayless: with my Abacus life insurance policy, i SQUANDERED $150 million.
dad at the Berkeley Library Rotunda with a scarab beetle on his shoulder: ...
the Berkeley Library Rotunda: THIS is the rotunda y'all should have been at, the rotunda of TRUE freedom, intellectual freedom.
Kurt Cobain: it was kurtains for me...
coughing through the night: RACING to the morning, CAN'T WAIT to hit 7:30AM on the clock to achieve sleeping through the night. to halt the hacking. to wind down the wheezing.
Weezy from The Jeffersons: i never smoked. this ain't emphysema. bronchitis maybe.
coughing through the night: way to be, Sarah, you're a GENIUS!!! that humidifier is GENIUS!!! that humidifier is WET AND WARM!!!
Luke Russert: a Vicks VapoRub humidifier to boot!!! the machine makes the Vicks VapoRub steam shower FOR YOU!!! into MIST. i'm back, baby!!! i'm back to where i can handle being in a non-Tai way...
Tai: i'm breathing easy.........again.........especially at night...
Ollie Wride: "Coughing in the Night with You," i wrote a non-Vicks Vaporwave song about that.
Boc: it's a tricky temperature, it's 69, you don't know whether or not to wear a jacket. or at least a windbreaker to protect your power. don't wanna be hit by a trash truck on the curb corner right on the dot at 7:30AM.
Sarah: when you see 2 cars in the driveway, that brings peace.
Garbage Pail Kids cartoon: you need to have seen Boxing Helena to get the reference right there?...
William Shatner: the Private Moon Landing, yada yada yada. the real news here is that they're making NEW episodes of Star Trek!!! the '60s one with ME!!!
The Outer Limits "Balance of Nature".
Jamie Lee Curtis: about old people but not about energy yogurt.
Carl Sagan: a deeply philosophical episode about the flow of time. you're going there, Outer Limits? you're really going there? you're gonna have a gilf sex scene?
Barbara Rush: i'm space royalty!!! and a hot granny.
Outer Limits: one thing's for sure, the nightmares on Outer Limits are VERY real...
Bustamante: i'm very particular when it comes to telenovelas, i like my telenovelas Turkish.
Julie Patzwald: you a Picky Sue Got Married. you're not peculiar, you're particular. choosy moms choose JIF.
Bustamante: will i ever be a mom? or just a sex object?
Julie Patzwald: we women can't have one without the other, that anime Boogiepop Phantom told us that. it's a good thing we goths are FRIENDS with Boogiepop Phantom. hell we CONJURED Boogiepop Phantom...
Eye Luggage: Short Circuit and go.
Kumail Nanjiani: so of course the character of Ben Jhaveri is DEEPLY DEEPLY DEEPLY offensive. i mean you look at that character today and you ask yourself, "what the FUCK were they thinking?!!!""
Pat Morita: and don't give me that "it was the '80s" crap, don't SULLY the grandeur of the '80s with YOUR fatal mistake!!! Mr. Miyagi is a symbol of unified crosscultural HOPE. you want me to go Mr. Miyagi on your ass?
John Badham: i was still hung up on WarGames, i didn't get the ending nor the casting i wanted, it's a lifelong obsession of mine to correct this, i was distracted.
Fisher Stevens: believe me, i am utterly sorry about this. no excuses, but i have to admit that i don't remember doing this part. no, seriously. i think i was doing codeine the ENTIRE time of being on set for this, i don't remember this character or doing any scenes with this character.
Kumail: so if we did this movie again and did it right, who would we cast? me, right?
Kal Penn: well it would definitely NOT be Aziz Ansari.
Kumail: no of course not, it would NEVER EVER be Aziz, that's a given.
Kal Penn: it would be me.
Kumail: that opens up a whole OTHER tin kettle of curry fish. about seniority in the caste system.
Dr. Deepak Chopra: i mean even I could play the part, you know? i've always wanted to REALLY dip my wick in acting ever since i became best friends with Demi Moore. a professor-papa type like me, i could play the character as an oldISH man in the sequel. or as the character's father in the prequel...
El DeBarge: the only reason you know this move exists on VHS is because of ME and my song "Who's Johnny," you know that song you can hum under your breath but you never actually watched the music video for it. the song you sang to your meemaw at Pic-N-Save after a Bob's Big Boy run. in the '80s.
Ear Horn: the Bob's Big Boy Sauce was the original Big Mac Sauce.
El DeBarge: i was bigger than Prince. for one week. i recorded that song on a barge.........better acoustics out there...
Ally Sheedy: something happened to my character after WarGames. they cut my hair short. i drive a truck. AND i rescue animals?!!! oh come on, just say you wanted me to be a lesbian!!!
John Badham: no nothing like that, we simply wanted you androgynous cuz we were entering into the Robotic Age then at the cusp of the '80s, there weren't gonna be sexes anymore...
Steve Guttenberg: i was TOO SEXY to be the lonely science nerd they needed me to be. i have too CUTE of a face!!! my interpersonal skills are too EFFERVESCENT to be an awkward stick-in-the-mud. i have the personality of fizzy soda. Fisher Stevens, you left your large codeine spoon in my trailer...
Paul Reiser: i WISH i had been Steve Guttenberg...
John Badham: okay i can FINALLY FINISH WarGames the way i wanted to!!! see? i'm bringing all those computers from WarGames back again to fill the set.
Laertus: why does this creepily look like that MAD Magazine Up the Academy movie?
MAD Magazine: doesn't it seem like WE invented Garbage Pail Kids?...
Steve: Newton Crosby? but i don't sing standards and i don't play ice hockey, the two things men need to do to woo women. the robot is a marital aid. EVERY SINGLE robot in film history has been used as a war weapon, let's have ONE be about LOVE. the robot i invented is completely harmless and fluffy, all it does is give you the middle finger.
SAINT: because our machines send you straight to Heaven...
*lightning strikes*
Ed from the band Live: ...
Number 5: just call me Johnny 5 from the start. see? i'm sentient. that proves it. Number 5 is STILL alive, bitch.
Astoria, Oregon: we were Portland before Portland...
Astoria, Oregon: the first star was seen HERE!!! without a telescope, with just the naked eye of the hippie.
Ally: i'm an ally to those who have chrome for brains. i love and want to save ALL of humanity, even machines. Stephanie Speck, i'm an insignificant speck of dust in the cosmos. hello, i am Carl Sagan's daughter, nice to meet ya, i love how you extend out your robo-arm.
Johnny 5: i'm having a bad day, have you ever woken up alive? that is a mindFUCK of a trip.
Sloth: omg, your house is the Goonies house!!!
Jen R: and the house is the color of Link's Champion's Tunic in the best Legend of Zelda game, Tears of the Kingdom!!!
Kurt Cobain: and i recognize that bridge!!!
Ally: yeah, it's just me and the Where's the Beef? lady who's my tenant in the basement, sweet old lady who lives quietly down there, never makes a fuss. this is my Pippi Longstocking mansion that transforms into a boathouse hence the stilts. you're the ULTIMATE stray, cuz you're an animal with wires. i rescue strays, in the future my granddaughter WILL BE Kate McKinnon...
Ally: i'm here to tell all you warmongering men about what the world should really be about: love. so what are you?
Johnny 5: Metal E.T. i'm WALL-E's father. you know, that sort of thing. i need input. no, not sex, knowledge.
Ally: this sandwich truck is iconic. right? it's this memorable food truck you see on the Oregon loggers' highways. what snacks do we serve? mostly tuna fish...
Ally: i was the first person to enter the word CATERING into the zeitgeist...
Ally: so i have this abusive ex-boyfriend who's not a cliche. i mean, maybe, mostly. he wears a baseball cap and carries a baseball bat around with him, why would anyone carry a bat with them?
abusive ex-boyfriend: i was a former MLB baseball player. as are all abusers. and those who run for Congress as Republicans. you can't hide from me!!! i wear tight blue jeans and i run and i know the spare key is in the vase!!! dammit you changed the locks!!!
Ally: remember changing the locks? that was such an '80s thing.
Johnny 5: wait, why are the only things i'm allowed to learn about the world from John Badham movies?...
Ally: don't worry, i'm dancing with you in my sheer negligee but there's no chance of us actually fucking, so...
Steve: Ben, do you know what a woman is?
Ben: women are a myth. women do not exist.
Steve: no, that's the internet. which has already been invented...
Steve: do you think she likes me? do you think Ally Sheedy likes me?
Ben: no, Newt, your mother does not even like you.
Johnny 5 accidentally squashes a grasshopper.
Mr. Miyagi: you see?!!! you see the disrespect?!!!
Johnny 5: the concept of death is dank as fuck.
Ally: yeah, there's nothing after, there's just nothing in an endless meaningless universe. it's pretty trippy. and cold.
Kurt Cobain: and then there's my world...
Johnny 5: it's a good thing i went to Sunday school or i'd have no concept that killing is wrong.
Codrus: Catholics are the ultimate programmers.
GW Bailey: i'm Scrotum uh Skroeder.
Johnny 5: i sound like one of those loopy Saturday-morning-cartoon kids...
Ally: this romantic Western campfire scene with the purple Vaporwave sunset sky looks like it's out of Disney's The Black Hole...
Steve: we can't disable Johnny 5!!! what if he's a new life form?!!!
Data or Lore: ...
Howard: a new life form is not in the government budget. who would feed him and clothe him and send him to college?
Johnny 5: how do you know i'm not a girl? college is a waste of time, Sunday school tho...
SAINTs 1,2,3: we're not the mob squad, we're here for our vaudeville. we do niche Stooges from that two-month period window in the '30s when Shemp was the leader...
Johnny 5: look sad when the helicopter missile "kills" me. it's a good thing we all look alike. i won't be destroyed, i've been promised a sequel...
John Badham: i made Johnny 5 sign on the dotted line with his robo-arm...
Ally: i tried to cry real tears here at your death scene but they didn't come out convincing, this whole thing is just too silly. i wish i had done Flight of the Navigator instead, now there was a real MEATY role.
Johnny 5: this is sponsored by Nintendo, right? starring Fred Savage? this is the R.O.B. Robotic Operating Buddy movie, right?
Admiral Scrotum, crying over the dead body of Johnny 5: why? OH WHY?!!! why'd we have to kill him?!!! he was such a gentle soul. he HAD a soul, damn you bastards. he was my FRIEND and he was named Johnny 5. war is FUCKING STUPID. i mean we're ALL computers, right? humans were the FIRST computers!!!
Rubikon: 40 acres?!!! really?!!! you had to go with 40 acres out of ALL the acres?!!! 40 acres in Montana my ass.
Ally Sheedy: why are the cats playing and running around with the zoomies on my hair?
Greykid: because you look like a poodle.
Ally: i love saving poodles!!! hey wait, let me get that gerbil out of my house, i'm saving it for my ex-boyfriend...
Steve Jobs: there was the story here which was never told. this movie was the filmed version of the script that was watered-down for Hollywood. the REAL STORY of this began in the beautiful mind of a writer who wanted to show his PAIN to the world. it's about an autistic scientist who can never have personal relations with people, he's incapable of intimacy, and thus pours his soul into creating Johnny 5 his Frankenstein monster. Frankenstein robot? but they're both gentle quiet souls. who become each other's best friend because BOTH of them cannot connect with people. much like that scientist's monologue at the beginning of the Garbage Pail Kids Movie. it's a cold lonely sad world out there and nobody has any friends. like we all do, man AND machine, we need a woman to help get us out of our shell. or panel. a woman's touch IS the lightning strike. fuck thunder in the sky, we only need thunder in the bedroom. maybe some punk kid on YouTube will make THAT movie instead one day. g'night folks.
me by the fire: i am thoroughly enjoying having McDonald's on DoorDash. but you still can't get Filet-o-Fish delivered...
dad: don't you worry bout a little thing, son, let me handle this, everything's gonna be alright...
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