NEVER STOP HARBAUGHING

 

Jen R and i are at Mammoth, California inside Cork and Russ's log cabin. 

Jen R: well that was QUITE the late Christmas celebration with your folks.

me: they're my relatives, I am the weird uncle in the family.

Jen: I scared your Aunt Cork off her own cabin.

me: she's as straitlaced as they come, your quirkiness is like sewer water to them.

Jen: i've never seen a cantilever snow fort before, that was special. i think i entered a room i wasn't supposed to be in upstairs, i ran the palm of my soft hand over the blue lightning mattress on that California King bed and it started RIPPLING like a gentle ocean breeze. that was their WATERBED, huh? the ROLLING GYRATIONS of that thing, next to what has to be the last genuine bearskin rug left in the world. waterbeds are so '70s, i LOVE them.

me: waterbeds scare me. how is anyone supposed to sleep on one with all that kicking around?

Jen: it's the motion of the ocean. 

me: but isn't the ocean frozen into snow right now?

Jen: i've often wondered what it'd be like to fuck on a waterbed. supposedly when you reach water coitus Sally Field and Burt Reynolds come to you in a smoke vision above the bed and demonstrate by making love to each other Free Love-style in the back of that orange Dukes of Hazzard car. 

Burt Reynolds: you reach coitus FASTER.

Sally Field: you cum faster because you're already IN MOTION, you know?

Jen: are you driving?

me: is that a joke?

Jen takes the Mr. T TR3 Dudley Moore Arthur automobile and vehicles it round all the ice-craggy bends of the mountaintop.

me: this is worse than a rollercoaster!!!

Jen: we're almost home free. i applied a ludicrous amount of lubricant TR3 body-finish car wax i bought at Body Glove on this puppy before we left so we should be fine edging corners. i trust T.

me: applied liberally, i feel better now. what does TR3 stand for?

Mr. T in the back of the luxury sedan: Three Point Turn.

Jen: okay we're here.

me: you look ADORABLE in your snow gear. with the pink fluffy mittens and pink fluffy knitcap.

Jen: huh, it's February but there's NO SNOW ON THE MOUNTAINS!!! but we can still have fun, right? just get the rusty tin skis out of the back-window of the trunk from our Pink Floyd 4x4 and we'll ski down this mountain DRY.

me: you're right, that WAS fun. my skis started SPARKING AND SKIDDING there at the end near the foot of the mountain but i held on.

Jen: did you remember to form a PIE with your skis to stop? i wish the ski lift would have a donut pillow on it, my butt cheeks on cold steel is the OPPOSITE of a waterbed. i was so WORRIED about you during the Pineapple Express.

me: more a nuisance than anything, staring at the four walls having nothing to fucking do for two days instead of a mudslide entering my kitchen. hydroplaning or mud coffins. but make no mistake, boredom is a CRISIS, boredom is real, boredom can kill.

Jen: i turned on my transistor ham radio, my high-school AV Club weather radio to get the latest atmospheric-river reports. i cried as i turned the knobs and my ears turned red under my oversize DJ headphones.

me: that is so HEARTWARMINGLY ADORABLE that you cared about me like that. that i am in fact one of your friends. 

Jen and i on the ski lift.

Jen: here's a Polaroid of me in high school. with my two friends. that's me on the left.

me: that is ADORABLE, you are freaking ADORABLE, i love that you pointed out to me who was you. you're the smiling brunette amongst the sour blondes. the one that looks like you. your friend on the left looks like that girl from Full House. hey remember overhead projectors?

Jen: that's how i learned algebra!!! the teacher would always be looking up and asking the stone-silent room "is this thing straight? fuck my life" with the clear silver paper.

me: and the switch of the markers.

Jen: she'd use a red marker which would smear the projector square. she'd switch to green and then blue, the smear would get worse. i thought math was supposed to be done in pencil but it ended up being done in black marker.

me: i need one of those battery-operated hotplates for the next storm. i bought 10 tin cans of soup BEFORE the storm i couldn't use, had to divide a GIANT 7-Eleven hoagie instead. amongst myself. cold nachos with cold cheese only.

Jen: it's always sunny in California. with 70 mph winds.

me: my birthday's coming up, jus sayin.

Jen: you want a hotplate instead of a 69? 

me: i want a 69 ON a hotplate, the hotplate being you. 

Jen: we got one more stop. not on THIS ski lift, OUT of the ski lift. for an old friend's advice...

the Pope: i need to get a Tibetan spaniel. has a pope ever had a pet? an official Vatican Pet? the Vatican Dog?

Tibetan spaniel: i'm curious like a cat...

Lancashire Heeler: i bit Gordon Ramsay's balls off. they were tasty like a sweet wine reduction. 

Gordon Ramsay: kibbles 'n my bits.

Senku: you had no idea moonshine was actually just corn whiskey until you learned it from me...

Ear Horn: why do people say being single is a blast? being single is a DESPERATE TIME in one's life, there is NO GUARANTEE you'll EVER meet anyone EVER again...

Jim Cantore: we here at The Weather Channel like to dispel myths for you. if you wear a hat on your head, will you REALLY be protected from the snow? turns out your inertial internal body temperature actually DOESN'T REALLY get warmer if you wear a hat. it's actually GOOD for your body if you're out in freezing conditions for like 4 hours. Mammoth Lakes, California doesn't exist, all the lakes are ice ponds...

Prince: ...

Aunt Cork: that's me in the pink tanktop in the Colosseum crowd watching and cheering on all those tournament-arc battles in One Piece...

Aunt Cork: call me your animated Aunt Cork in your favorite anime.........which is not like my straitlaced personality at all.

Leslie Sbrocco: you watch 100 Days because you want to see what my BUTT looks like...

Tom Brady at Pebble Beach: i got a hole-in-one in these 100 mph winds. my long irons turn into short irons when i smile.

Jeremy Irons: everyone except Lolita runs away from me when i smile...

Tom Brady: why don't NASCAR cars have windshield wipers so they can turn left at the L.A. Coliseum on a rainy day?

the Lost Coast: where Jack Kerouac is RIGHT NOW...

Jack Bauer: Jack Kerouac is tougher than i will EVER be.

Jack Kerouac: i'm faster than a New York minute.

Leslie Sbrocco: not in MY bed. that lost Lost Coast episode we did had higher Nielsens than the Super Bowl.

Superman: i was modeled after Jack Kerouac.

The Outer Limits "Stranded".

Kitchensyngk: *sees title* so, E.T.?...

Lynda Boyd: this is a PG no-sex-scene episode. and i'm the modest-milf wife of the family here. but make no mistake, if i wanted to do Canadian sci-fi, i had to show my TITS...

Aunt Cork: i do the shave-and-a-haircut, two-bits knock on our Mammoth log-cabin door.

Uncle Russ: that's ironic.........CHECK FOR WARMTH!!! this log cabin is already bought and paid-for, no more mortgage, no more logs on the fire...

The Hay at Pebble Beach: you don't want to be cheating on this short course or you're headed to the UN...

Pebbles Flintstone, age 18: i was a UN Ambassador from Earth to Space. i seduced many a young man to go up into space in an Elon Musk jalopy rocket to see if flying commercial in space was feasible. they were never heard from again...

Tajin: no, you're thinking of Lawry's Seasoned Salt...

What's Happening!!: a poor family from Watts rich in family and smarts. and generational general conviviality. 

Raj: and viviality. and civility. check out my smile, it can brighten ANY gloomy day.

Rubikon: even mine.

Jen: despite everything, they have a house WITH STAIRS!!! gotta LOVE the '70s!!!

Leslie Sbrocco: i hug people the way Aunt Cork hugs people, by holding them by their shoulders.

Madame Pons: OSEA body wash, i mean that squiggly S is staring at me, that sibilance subculture scares me.

Allison Mack: that S leaves a scar...

sun: how can there be 70 mph winds when the sun is out?!!!

sun at the Sahara Desert: pocket sand!!!

Madame Pons: without the sun, there is no shower gel...

Ear Horn with Eye Luggage, Julie Patzwald, and Bustamante: have you ever seen such a coven of goths cobbled together as these, as us, PLEADING for the sun to come back so power can be restored. gaggle, girls!!! the sun MOCKS us being out and the power is still out.

Eye Luggage: a goth without Jem is useless.

Bustamante: a goth without her phone is useless.

Julie Patzwald: a goth without a thermos of soup is useless. either cold soup or SCALDING soup.

Boc: i'm bored, there's nothing to do during a power outage.

Jackie Fitzgerald: ...

Boc: i'm going for a walk.........wait, the squally weather happening outside is what CAUSED the power outage in the first place...

Jim Cantore: squally like my hand down your pants. throw the first punch, i don't care, your fingers are hot dogs to me, man. i'm Curly from The Three Stooges if he hadn't had a lobotomy.

Maria LaRosa: Jim you need to calm down and let me swallow your nut. 

Jackie Fitzgerald: you know, Punxsutawney Phil is almost NEVER right.

Doryce: Sticky Bra, the name of my band in college.

Lan Lan: did you ever think we'd be cooking in an air fryer on America's Test Kitchen?

Bridget Lancaster: toast my buns, Lan Lan.

Jack Bishop: Testers used a blacklight...

Bridget: come on, Jack, there's no cum between us, keep dreaming, buddy.

Jack: i never noticed before but you have buck teeth, Bridget...

Bridget: i gots the Jewel gap in my teeth.

Lorne Michaels: so next week we got Ayo Edebiri as host with musical guest Milli Vanilli...

Suzy Lu: the reason my wedding ring and band are my YouTube banner is because my MARRIAGE is my proudest achievement in life, my utmost accomplishment, not any anime or video-game reaction i did.

Steejo: that is so beautiful. most proudest. i always cry at weddings. i was in a wedding band once, that's how you met me. i'm gonna go wash my face not by splashing water on it with my hand but with a washcloth in the loo...

Jessica Pegula: look at my face, do i look like someone who callously meanly coldly fires someone off my staff willy-nilly in the middle of the night with a text?...

Brock Purdy at Media Day: imma disappoint Taylor Swift in the 4th Quarter.........but not in my penthouse walk-in tub after the game when the Niners win...

Melissa Maker: get that Candied Bacon Whopper at Burger King!!! only on GrubHub!!! exclusively on Uber Eats!!!

Greykid the cat: greyrocking? so THAT's why no humans ever pay attention to me...

Leslie Sbrocco: fruit-first, i know thee well. i need a real man in the wine industry to service these tits and my skirted butt. a virile vintner. away to the castle!!! Dilly Dilly.

one pill can kill: even multivitamins...

Jamie Lee Curtis at a farmers market: ...

Doryce: i love spit on my face. it's sexy. when it's not raining just gently spitting and i'm walking, it's so refreshing on the face...

Neutrogena: ...

JFK: i'm in Las Vegas. not for the Nevada Primaries, for the Super Bowl...

Zach Lowe: there's nothing more depressing than doing a sports-radio talk show in the midafternoon at 11AM. i'm better than this, i should be doing standup with Kumail...

Kendrick Perkins: personally i would LOVE to receive flowers on Valentine's Day. after all, i came up with that whole "give the man his flowers" thing...

Elizabeth Banks at a Macy's mall makeup bendy kiosk: what's your damage? i'm dong the Heathers reboot RIGHT. emotional damage from mom can only be cured with cocoa butter. sleeping in your makeup? that's brilliant, that would save Hollywood so much money!!!

DQ guy: i'm Lin-Manuel Miranda researching my upcoming Jerry Garcia role. 

Leslie Sbrocco: fry-first, that's a man of character. don't even eat the hamburger, let Wimpy and Scooby-Doo fight it out for it on the streets.

pale-man redhead from Please Don't Destroy: i mean this chicken strip with the ranch dressing on top looks like a cock that has just cummed.

Adult Swim viewer: i ate a Kinder chocolate bar, that was my downfall...

Dr. Rick: tissues don't need boxes, only packets. you will always need crown-moulding to build tissue boxes. save your car mats because of course you're gonna get another Nissan Sentra eventually. cold El Pollo Loco tastes better when it comes out of a Parkay plastic butter tub. 

Stewie: or a Cool Whip tub. i said it correctly, i'm a man, i'm 40.

Ben Affleck for Dunkin: did you lip-read me at that awards show? i was saying i am more boring than Taylor Swift. but i'm not a bored man, i'm a man who's trying to emulate Keanu Reeves's spirituality. i had a singing scene in Good Will Hunting but they cut it...

Hilton: wherever that music life takes you, it matters that you stay with us.

Trent Reznor: insidiously, rainbow fentanyl looks like Warheads candy.

Lil Nas X: that's not sour, that's gasoline.

Hilton: Mr. Reznor, as a rock star you HAVE TO HAVE a threesome in one of our beds.

Trent: i ain't Maynard, you punk.

Paris Hilton: Billy Corgan wants to talk to you...

Trent: i'd rather work with Elton John.

Travis Scott in the Trent tent: like Robert Frost says, the road less traveled has a fork in it that looks like a  chickenfoot...

Snapchat: your soulmate will have 1 like on their post...

at the bank robbery.

Jamie from Progressive the getaway-car driver: i do this better than Pee-wee Herman...

Jamie to his masked car-companion robbers: so this is for a cat video, right?...

Halle Bailey for Pandora: i have legs.........in the industry...

football player: hey what the fuck's wrong with your voice?

other football player: this is what Travis Kelce sounds like after making it with Taylor Swift. the only good Haribo are the coke-bottle ones...

first player: Taylor looks so cute in coke-bottle glasses.

Taylor Swift: DIET coke-bottle glasses.

CALIA: when i go to the gym, there's never hip-hop dancing like this.

Keanu Reeves's wife: there's me in the gym, a RARE public appearance...

Keanu: first body then soul.

Starbucks regulars.

barista: so i have this regular. she only orders regular coffee. never with cream. there's a language barrier there but she tells me i look like her son. turns out i AM her son, has to do with Mick Jagger, long story.

other barista: my regular has followed me to EVERY SINGLE Starbucks i've moved to to work. she is now my stalker.

Nutrafol British man wearing a Cobra from G.I. Joe T-shirt: so i'm genetically predisposed to have NO hair on my head and MASSIVE pubic hair. Nutrafol has done NOTHING for me, jack-shit for me.

Apple Vision Pro: do you want to NEVER speak to another human being the rest of your life?...

the ski lift arches over to the NEXT log cabin over from Cork's log cabin. inside Jen R is witness to a discombobulating surprise.

Jen R: my burning eyes!!! what's going on here, friends?

me: i thought you said one friend.

Jen: well they're BOTH my confidantes, never thought i'd see them together.

a naked Debbie Harry is fucking a naked Jim Henson PASSIONATELY in the missionary position behind the puppet stand.

me: aren't you two cold?

Debbie: look how we bounce up and down like a puppet string. your cock is perfectly straight up my vagina. 

Jim Henson: like an arm up a puppet's butt. you know why we call them Muppets? because they were supposed to be British...

Debbie: that's why it's called a vagina, it's V-shaped, it makes sense now. like an electric drum.

Jen: details, woman.

Debbie Harry: i fell for Jim Henson instantly. that itchy beard of his i had to scratch. he had me on a string from the start. the way he does his Kermit the Frog voice when we make love.

Jim Henson: that's the thing, this isn't my "Kermit" voice, this is just my voice.

Debbie: even if he is a pervert...

Jim: i'm just a man. a man who plays with dolls.

Debbie Harry singing "Rainbow Connection" with Kermit the Frog on The Muppet Show.

Kermit the Frog: this song is not about rainbow fentanyl. why could the pig only count up to 68?

Miss Piggy: because at 69 she had a frog in her throat. i make the word "pig" beautiful.