Jen R: okay it's time for the honeymoon portion of this wedding.
me: i'm too tired. i mean let's do this.
Jen: i mean isn't Vegas a bit too on the nose? too cliche?
Eli Manning still in Vegas after a long Super Bowl hangover: not really. not if you see it with new eyes. look at my goofy face, what do you see? you see a compulsive gambler who owes the mob in too deep unable to afford addict therapy trading in my football cleats for a pair of cement shoes. craps is a TERRIBLE name for a game. you know how i earned my winnings? how i made my non-NFL gambling fortune? i play Hearts. yeah, nobody realizes Hearts is being played in Vegas right now for large sums of wad cash, it's all done in a secret blue-felt room.
Jen: oh look, one for those wedding chapels the size of my thumb, let's get married.
me: but not like THIS, let's get married for REAL...
Jen: oh we gotta check it out for the officiant, it's Warren Buffett!!!
Warren Buffett: do you take? and do you take? Jim Cramer is a noodge. you know how you keep a marriage together? LOWER your expectations. i've been married for 100 years.
Jen: okay we gotta get in the mood for fucking, how about i tickle the electric ivories?
me: i'm still a zombie. but i'll follow you anywhere.
Jen: showgirls abound!!! like HER!!!
Brooke Trantor: the gift of my tits...
Jen: my personal favorite, musicians!!!
Hello Meteor: i'm playing backup synth for Wayne Newton.
Jen: rides galore!!! like the black VW cabrio we rolled up in!!!
me: from Baltimore.
Jen: that's Bawlmer, son. don't cry about it, learn it.
me: don't cry, rely.
Jen stands in front of the GIANT Ace Tone to the right of the pink fluffy fuzzy altar that's bigger than the chapel itself.
Mrs. Talbot: Ace Tone? that was my first War of 1812 flyer-ace pilot husband!!!
Jen starts playing the Ace Tone.
Jen: it won't burn!!! it won't burn, baby!!! electronica energy!!! flowing through my body through the temple nodules in my head. and i know temples. it won't burn my hands like acid. and i know acid. it's a piano keyboard attached to a knobby drum machine.
in the honeymoon boudoir.
Jen: spit that chunk of banana in my mouth.
me: of course. you gotta get me up to speed, what tradition is this?
Jen: it's what those three from Napoleon Dynamite did to celebrate the 30th anniversary. Napoleon, Pedro, and that guy from Dream Corp LLC.
Jen: well that sex was pretty nice.
me: we never can really DO it, can we?
Leslie Sbrocco: bro don't rub my back. who do you think you are? Garrison Keillor?
creepy captain: mahalo.
Leslie Sbrocco: who do you think you are? Adam Carolla?
Sasuke: i got pardoned like Richard Nixon.
Sasuke makes the Peace Sign with his fingers, not the Unison Sign...
Super Mario with wrench: that's Goodman Air Conditioning & Heating, not Godamn Plumbing where i work.
Fuerza: it's not God Damn, it's more like Go Damn, as in Pokemon Go, as in Nintendo Go.
rain: i am so beautiful.........when there's no wind...
PG&E: having no power on a sunny day is especially galling, it's spitting in your eye when there's no rain, it's TRULY fucking aggravating.
Safeway: when the parking lot is ENTIRELY EMPTY like this, it's nice, it has that post-apocalyptic nuclear-war abandoned look, but only in the DAYTIME!!!
Quentin Tarantino: when that dusk hits the empty parking lot...
Puck from A Midsummer Night's Dream: that magic pixie sound when the power comes back on...
Puck: you could have done me at UCLA.
me: don't remind me, too painful of a wistful what-if.
Puck: permanently...
Brendan Fraser: whaling? i am not a casino gambler...
Roger Federer: you will MISS me when i'm gone, you will MISS that one-handed backhand i did...
Shakespeare: wait, a British Romantic lyrical epic poet won the Daytona 500?...
mom: when i snore, that is the most beautiful sound in the world.
snoring: it's always better than coughing.
Minster: why did i become a monk? because i was kicked out of the priesthood for selling Viagra on the street corner of my Spanish Mission. hey, to me it's all health care. before that i was that priest on Saturday Night Live...
Chipotle: BBB, Triple B, braised beef barbacoa. too bad it's not on DoorDash...
Chipotle: it's our best kept secret cuz it's SO secret it's not even on the menu!!! we ain't an In-N-Out Burger menu!!!
Chipotle: we don't have scissors, we cut our meat with tongs.
Melissa Maker: i see you, Chipotle.
Sleep Number.
me: i mean why are all these people kvetching? it would be SLEEP BLISS to sleep next to you forever, there's nothing to complain about.
Jen R: i'm always on the hot side. of the bed.
me: i don't like wet waterbeds. i like my waterbeds dry.
LoveSac: for over 25 years we've been telling folks that a change is good.
Mark Consuelos: yeah, change out your work husbands, Kelly Ripa!!!
Whopper Contest: can you top that?
Jon Brennan from Real World: Los Angeles: yeah, forget the burger and bun, just have brisket on corn chips.
Jen R: sport peppers? just say Chicago Whopper!!!
Joan Chen: Sausage and Egg McMuffin Whopper!!!
taxi man: Justin Herrera Sourdough Pizza Whopper from St. Cyril's!!!
Michael Jordan: do you know how anyone can fly? by lowering the net.
QuickBooks.
camerawoman: without ME there's no commercial...
Super Mario with wrench: yeah but it's pretty cool the job i do, i swerve with my wrench and a fucking fountain flows!!!
CarMax.
sister: so my sister has a vaginal piercing. wanna see it on Instagram?
other sister: at least i'm not dating Michael Weiss.
sister: Michael Weiss taught me NOT to get a car, to walk everywhere.
Michael Weiss: the electric car is not the savior you think it is...
Lopez brothers: which brother lost the bet and had to have Muppet hair to tell one apart from the other?
Minster: we have the OPPOSITE problem, all of us have the same bald head.
mom: as long as my son who's a terrible driver grows up to have Muppet hair i'll be proud.
Giannis: spell my last name NOW. thing is, i've never liked Sprite. there was only Mr. Pibb in Greece.
Bud Collins: since when is calling someone a tennis ball an INSULT?!!!
cat: now I am a GREY cat!!!
Greykid: can't hate. you a great cat, a grey cat, a great grey cat.
grey Persian cat: "Unholy" my favorite and ONLY Sam Smith song. Patrick Swayze was never THAT muscular, Jake!!! you're not evil just because you have a British accent.
George Costanza: THE WORLD IS FAKE!!!
Frank Costanza: SERENITY NOW!!!
Serena Williams: i'm not doing this just for this spot, i'm an actress now, remember? i'm IN this Aang movie, as Katara. and later as Korra. Avatar State is a cool blue sparking electric glow in the eyes like that M83 video for "Midnight City."
Starbucks: you can only drink the new Pistachio Cream Cold Brew if you have 30 earrings in one ear.
me: i really appreciate the lengths you went to for me here. you look DIVINE in that aqua-blue Champion's Tunic from Tears of the Kingdom.
Jen R: o that LIGHT BLUE tho, it SHIMMERS.
me: turquoise tumult.
Jen: i wear the Tunic as a Large T-shirt pajama.
me: but not MY large T-shirt, i'm too small of chest.
Jen: i look like Princess Zelda in it, not Link.
me: i look like a Slash Link when i wear MY Large T-shirt pajama.
TetraNinja in the hamper: can i get out now?
Jen R: you know the key to keeping this thing called marriage? BUNS AND BAGS. it's all about the buns and bags, always keep an extra supply of hot-dog buns and handy baggies on hand. for marital emergencies.
me: baggies to keep our drugs in?
Jen: no, our bun-length hot dogs in. WELCOME HOME, don't those two words relieve? suddenly a sense of calmness and serenity and stability and hope and take-charge leadership pervade the rooms of our abode.
me: yes, the way the film Say Anything pervades the room with a blanket of melancholy.
Jen: same concept. but opposite. different result.
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