notes:
* Willard Scott: Frutiger, the only font that i could read as Ronald McDonald. the font i used on my Smuckers Jelly job application. it's legible both near and far. yeah NOW people pay attention to 100-year-olds but before ME they were lost to the sands of time, forgotten. Norman Lear, David Attenborough, Jane Goodall, Mother Teresa, Happy 100th, i bought you a Cookie Puss from Carvel as your birthday cake. Bryant Gumbel is handsome but he didn't need to be an asshole to me. ignore and do, ignore and do, that's what my mother always used to mutter to me...
* Sinead O'Connor: at least now i'm the Pope of Heaven...
* the three monks Minster, Cotard, and Codrus are jogging around Treasure Island from Treasure Island in their monk robes.
Codrus: i hate being last.
Minster: then pick up the pace, fatso.
Cotard: we're roaming for a fellow hermit who will show us how to get off this island.
Ben Gunn: um, i think you have to build a boat. i'm not crazy, trust me. my mouth isn't full of rocks...
Minster: this is starting to sound like another hopeless Gilligan's Island scheme...
* James Baldwin: i have the fivehead of all great writers. the head of an intellectual, a thinker. a thinker writer. and my smile is so deliciously like a kid in a candy store.
* Doryce: Bladder Brake, what you need in this day and age to go out to the nightclubs and be seen.
Gladyce: because you won't have to use the music-venue bathrooms with poo on the walls, dear.
Paul: caca on the walls is my huckleberry.
* Steejo: hey don't flaunt your wedding in the banner of your YouTube channel. when i see those two rings united as one Twin Ring like a Scottish Green Lantern i get frustrated and sad. that should have been MY marriage, Kakashi stole my life!!!
Suzy Lu: my assistant does the banner, babe, my assistant changes the banner.
Steejo: OUR assistant was going to be OUR babysitter...
Kakashi: i'm sorry for your pain., my nav. i wanted Suzy to post as the banner the Leaf Village's Mount Rushmore with my face NOT on it...
* Biden: i wish the Pineapple Express torrential heavy-downpour rain had washed the sign of that independent politician away in the wash...
* Chilly's bottle: Chilly Willy's Stanley Quencher.
* George Costanza: i say Happy New Year to people in December...
* hay ball: the ball Lionel Messi learned soccer with, that's why he never commits penalties..
* Bladder Brake: didn't you think it was an exercise handcrank?...
* Pebble Beach Pro-Am: go home, celebrities, Pineapple Express rain is more beneficial to this area. except for Ray Romano, Ray Romano can stay...
* Pro Bowl Games: instead of this, just bring back American Gladiators...
* Ear Horn: the cure for long covid? long pepper...
* Lycoris Recoil: there are things to be gained by losing something.
Jen R: see? finally one for your silly animes profoundly helps you get over me...
me: i'd rather have certainty than hope, security than faith. distraction can only last so long before it dusts into duty. one day this anime will end and i'll be alone again...
* all of us inside the rollercoaster at Galaxyland.
Melissa Maker: we couldn't do LEGO so we had to settle for Hasbro. Hasbro Land. there are cool Hasbro toys, right? that aren't Star Wars?...
Chad: damn. i still keep my Thanos Glove next to my drone just in case...
Jen R: i loved my Mr. Potato Head but i put him in the microwave cuz i was hungry for fries.
Boc: you know, the park sign says all humans should walk 2000 steps a day. my morning walk is only 300 steps!!! that's some bullshit.
Chita Rivera: walk to get churros dipped in margarita salt, chile-relleno popcorn, and tomato cotton candy.
Sammy Davis Jr.: Kim Novak was never as SPICY as you, Chita. Kim would only eat bananas if they were peeled.
* Albert Broccoli from the James Bond films: i was the inspiration for James Bond's greatest foe: Mr. Broccoli.
Reginald Barclay: ...
* Aeon Flux "End Sinister".
Trevor: the aliens have no orifices at all, how do they.........go to the bathroom? it's not always about wondering how aliens "do it."
Captain James T. Kirk: yes it is.
Aeon: maybe humans have already evolved to their limit. becoming vampires is enough. reading minds is cool but i can't wait 500,000 years.
Fred Flintstone: and their alien city is a bunch of stone bowling pins. hey where's that green alien?...
Aeon: this was the only episode where i got to wear PANTS!!!
* Pickleball Slam 2.
John McEnroe, Steffi Graf, Maria Sharapova, and Andre Agassi: there was a Pickleball Slam 1?...
* Super Mario: the trashmen come in their trucks and with their gorgeous gloves and sling up my trash and recycle cans into their dumpers.........and then they're gone. just like that. it's 6:43AM in the morning and i'm friendless for the rest of my life again...
* Jim Harbaugh: finally, with me there, Manhattan Beach will be FUN...
Cork and Russ: we're never there, we're always at our mammoth log cabin in Mammoth, California next to the ski lift. or our new favorite place: the Santa Cruz Sand Carnival...
Jim Harbaugh: does Body Glove make football wetsuits?...
* me: I am the reason i don't drive. because of pedestrians like ME. look at me SKIRTING across the highway intersection JUST as that car was about to make a three-point parallel-park left turn AWAY from the jughandle onto oncoming traffic.
Jughead Jones selling oranges by the sidewalk island: ...
* Bill Nye the Science Guy: on these rainy roads you gotta watch out when you're crossing through the intersection, the cars will hydroplane up to you, if that car's a truck you're dead like ground chuck.
Jim Belushi: run over like a Chuck E. Cheese pizza, a cheese collision.
me: walking in LIGHT RAIN is so MEDITATIVE...
* TurboTax.
daughter: i'm making perfume instead of our family's generational pan sweetbread with the pink frosting in the ridges that look like large seashells.
mom: Macy's sucks as a brand. this bread, on the other hand, is only sold at a Mexican shoppe in Seaside...
daughter: these conglomerate candy conches have that icky Lord of the Flies energy.
mom: William Golding was the first male feminist.
William Golding: Lord of the.........Rings? Tolkien was a department hack shunned by his professor peers at Oxford and Stanford when i was writing Flies...
* Kathryn from Wendy's: i was a mathlete, too. don't believe me? i'm smiling at you right now, imagine my teeth with braces...
* Hyundai Santa Fe.
dad: heavy metal music did not come from Satan, it came from a Norse Viking horn-hat. or maybe from a German pubhall. the point is, the family that knows of the band Mountain STAYS together.
* Lamar Jackson: have i ever been in a commercial? think about it...
* Arnold Schwarzenegger: on Super Bowl Sunday i will become a State Farm agent.........but now i can't, every red shirt they give me rips from my chest muscles...
* Lily from AT&T in that gazebo: we have a new drunk to our therapy circle. make him feel welcome, make him feel like family.
group: hi.
Adam Driver: hello. i am Adam Driver when i was skinny...
* TurboTax: only WE predicted Brock Purdy would be a good quarterback. so file with us...
* Armani White: before i was a rapper i was just a wrapper. i ate Taco Bell and crinkled up the wrappers and felt sad by my porch. now i travel the world with Eric Andre.
Eric Andre: you a jump rapper. you ain't nuthin' but a jump rapper.
* The Farmer's Dog.
dog: it's time for us dogs to eat REAL FOOD. steak and lobster every night for breakfast. and THEN maybe we'll consider brushing our own teeth with a toothbrush in our paw.
* Kate McKinnon: i work for the UPS Store now. we'll protect your valuables. we'll send grandma's ashes to the Pacific Ocean. you need 100 cat combs from Cats R We sent to the funeral? we'll even package a skateboard with the logo of Pawnshop Skate Co with a guy in a ski mask robbing the pawn shop!!! or robbing YOU if you try to pawn anything off there!!!
Tony Hawk: that's a legit skate shop. it's the size of one grey graffiti'd cube on the corner across from the 7-Eleven...
* Megan Rapinoe: my father never kicked the soccer ball around with me...
* Frito Lay: chips SHOULD be like Super Bowl confetti. as in make the special Super Bowl chips confetti-like like Fritos...
happy weekend, my babies.
TOMORROW: KFC has new potato bowls but are they big enough?...
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