EYE LUGGAGE'S MOM: SYNERGY

 

Laertus: so how'd i do?

Eye Luggage: you were brilliant. mom loves you more than me. 

Ear Horn: that's a loaded answer, dearie.

Eye: i mean think about it, your name is Laertus, that is the most GOTH-SOUNDING name ever to come out of a bat belfry.

Ear: sonny, how do you want your fish sticks this morning?

Laertus: for breakfast? let's see, how about we try mustard on them instead of ketchup.

Ear: you are brilliant, that's never been done before.

Eye: are you ready for the binge?

Laertus: as long as it's not YOU doing the binging, i love you fat.

Eye: i got fat tits, there's a difference.

Eye slides a GIANT cardboard-brown shoebox from underneath her skull bed full of VHS cassettes.

Eye: i present to you my ENTIRE Jem collection!!! EVERY SINGLE EPISODE of the '80s series.

Laertus: my eyes just sewn open from happiness. 

Eye: care to watch ALL 65 EPISODES from the beginning with me?

Laertus: OF COURSE!!! this is what love IS!!! it's a little complicated cos some of the 65 are really 3-episode movies...

Eye: i hid these Jem tapes from mom my whole life. i never wanted her to know that who i REALLY wanted to be was a glam fab outrageous pop star and music CEO like Jem.

Ear: YOU WANTED TO BE A GIRLY GIRL?!!! well fuck me. blimey. me, too. i wanted to be Joan Collins!!!

Laertus: you wanted Jem's HAIR. it's impossible to achieve Jem's hair in real life. no amount of hairspray. you'd need to order a bottle of Pooph.

Ear: no deliveries, remember?

Laertus: so who ended up being your goth role model growing up?

Eye: Lars from Real World: London of course.

Ear: i still have that gaunt lanky German boy's bicycle in my cauldron...

Celine from Before Midnight: there's a carousel merry-go-round by the Eiffel Tower. Ethan Hawke sweet-talked me into riding it. there is nothing more romantic than an early-evening carousel ride by the Eiffel Tower in Paris. later on, our twin girls rode this carousel yesterday morning...

Julie Kotter: how come we don't ever do anything like THIS with OUR twin girls, Gabe?

Gabe Kotter: cos i'm a teacher and you're a principal.

Loreena McKennitt: this is for Ronald. i watch over Ronald evermore with my fairy pixiedust. protecting him from the raging waves of the sea. i am his boat. Ronald, my ancient muse, my incantation, my prayer.........2008, a time of hope. Obama was about to take office, Tinker Bell is in theatres, magic has come back to the world. 

Raven-Symone: and i'm up in everyone's grill teaching them how to tink. cos i care about ALL PEOPLE.

me: imagine living in a world in which your ONLY concern is the last episode of Craig of the Creek...

at the Weather Channel.

Jim Cantore: no, don't toss a baseball at me, toss a tennis ball at me.

Goody Paul: but it's time for baseball weather, Jim...

Jim: i don't trust you, Paul, we got our issues. you're mean on set.

Now, KSBW Action News Sunrise, with your sole anchor Celine...

ice-cold bananas: make the best breakfast smoothie...

Julian Sands: do not remember me for Boxing Helena. remember me for that ONE scene in Boxing Helena where i offer "iced coffee?" on a warm Atlanta summer afternoon, that was such an everlastingly evergreen GENTLE moment...

Michael Weiss: have you noticed that everyone on Instagram is Romanian?...

dopamine decor: Amy Winehouse would've saved her life if she had been an interior decorator...

Evetta: that's the thing, i have an all-timer of a Persian booty but would you be willing to give up ALL MEAT for me forever?

me: can i still have honey?...

Evetta: my butt is the REAL Lost Ark.

George Washington: you're an American. which means you're free. you're free to be a dumbass and not follow the health regulations and die. i can't think of a more American way to die...

Subway: so you get the Garlic Roast Beef. you don't see us cutting the meat by hand on the slicer live in front of your eyes. but we did. trust us, we did it in the back. anyway, look at these COOL NEW DARK-BROWN BAGS we serve the subs in now, no more plastic snake chutes, better for the environment. these brown-bag snakes are so WARM, so COMFORTING, takes you back to Ventura Blvd. in the '80s getting bread by the Vons...

Vons: it's not baguette, it's French bread...

Lucio: why do Italian sports cars have to be so damn NOISY?!!!

Melbourne: right?

The Pope: bless me, Lucio. when noise pollution is LOUD, that's too much.

Lucio: at least Italian muscle cars taught me as a tortellini tyke that all mobsters weren't FAT, they pumped iron under those Italian suits...

Christmas club: when Santa gets REAL REAL angry about the lack of funds in his account and swings at you with his hammer which is a candy cane...

Princess Zelda: never knew i was British, huh...

Link: i am a mute...

Hylian: we like to get HIGH. cos we're HIGH-lians...

Laraine Newman: you know why the '70s episodes of Saturday Night Live were ESPECIALLY wild? two words: Plato's Retreat...

Steve Irwin: sorry, mate, but the Women's World Cup Finals will take place while you're sleeping...

Gareth A. Davies: i wanted to cover rock bands for Rolling Stone. but my mellifluous philosophical bent on journalism led me to the violent sport of boxing, it's a gladiatorial thing...

Albert Camus: not cool, man...

Kurt Cobain: i'm more afraid of a break than burnout...

Dr. Drew: 3 body types.........yeah, that makes sense.........you thought i was gonna refute that Johnny celebrity-trainer guy with the oily chest and biceps like a six-wheeler big-rig's truck headlights?.........no, this is a youtube ad for him...

Luke Russert: yeah the walnuts thing, it's not lasting past this bag.

Tai: maybe try unsalted walnuts? Walmart walnuts?

Luke: unsalted walnuts taste like bitter toothpaste, the toothpaste of a bitter man who had to shave even tho he once sailed the seven seas with a white beard, too umami...

me: i'm thinking of going back to college.........but i have no money...

Jen R: definitely Swarthmore for me...

Skierus: i'm a fencer, not a skier...

Diana Ross: oh Toto, i have a feeling we're not in Kansas anymore.........we never were...

Thelonious Monk: i got the raddest middle name of all time: Sphere. 

Cotard: i love you.

Thelonious: i was NOT the loneliest...

at Starbucks Jen P and i are in the back discussing Berkeley Regents Scholarships...

Laertus: thank you for bringing me outside, i don't exercise unless i'm walking with you.

Eye: i want you to see this van that's always parked right in front of Starbucks. the passenger front window is always open and the sliding side door is always ajar.

Codrus: what's that sticker say on the back? i can't see...

Cotard: REBEL MONK DOES NOT ABIDE. i was surfing out on Carmel Beach when i spotted Pee-wee Herman on a killer mondo wave. a Japanese character tat on his elbow. he had so much zinc oxide on his face his face was the sun...

Pee-wee Herman doing the "Tequila" dance: i can only surf once my tux is UNDER my speedo...

Pee-wee Herman: mekelecki high meka-hiney ho.........or something like that, i don't know the exact words...

crone Gladyce: don't incant the spell with the EXACT words, dear, that way you won't disappear and can stay on Earth a bit longer. 

crone Doryce: keep spazzing on jumping all over the place, dear. 

Pee-wee Herman: i do want to stay a bit more. but not TOO much more, with the sun's rays i don't want to end up with a GREEN face like my best friend that genie head in the glitter box... 

Eye Luggage and Laertus are cozy inside one scratchy brown blanket like a burrito on top of Eye's pink bed with pink sheets watching the Jem episode "Lost Spanky..."

Eye Luggage: why can't life be like Jem? the poacher is chasing after you and you end up at the local zoo and you call upon Synergy to transform that deer in the cage into a deer that walks on two legs...

Laertus: kids were hardier in the '80s, this is some dank stuff. too scary for me as a kid...

Eye: the deer stretches the iron bars with his legs, gets out of the cage, and spits at the bad-guy poacher until he's dead off a cliff. imagine having the power of Synergy at your disposal to hax all your life problems.

Laertus: i would use Synergy to grant Jem's secret wish: Jem always wanted to have her hair a fro...

Eye puts on some shades.

Eye: how do these Prive Revaux sunglasses make me look?

Laertus: careful, you want to look POP-STAR COOL, not GOTH COOL.

Laertus: how will this episode of Jem be resolved in 11 or 22 minutes?...

Eye: turns out Spanky wasn't the Nazca booby at the zoo. 

Greykid: wasn't Spanky that lost cat?...

Walt Disney in the walls: why didn't we ever do an animated film with a Nazca booby as the main character?...

Spanky from Little Rascals: no it's me, Spanky from Our Gang. i was an orphan at a fucked-up 1910s dirty orphanage, i wrote a letter to Jem and she helped me secure a forever family. 

The Three Stooges: we are Spanky's forever family.

Larry from The Three Stooges: yeah except for me. fuck it. this kid is getting all my lines, Spanky is stealing my script now!!! it was bad enough when it was the three of us, Curly got all the fat laughs, Moe was the brains, nobody noticed me. nobody notices LARRY, i'm just THERE. no. out of the question. i'm sending Spanky back to the orphanage in the morning...

 

MAMA MONKETTE

notes:

* Jen R: do you think of me whenever rip currents are mentioned on The Weather Channel?

me: yes. i'm not thinking of Maria LaRosa anymore, i'm thinking of you...

* Old Forge, New York: where all the episodes of Storybook International were filmed...

village blacksmith: do blacksmiths still exist in 2023?...

* charging dock: Doryce on Thursdays...

* the VA clinic: located in Virginia...

* local news: we don't have a young weather girl. we have a young grandmother as our weather girl.

weather girl: l'm your boozy grandmother who wears a wine dress for pajamas and plays Clue instead of pinochle from Ohio you've never met...

* Luke Russert: relish, one of the most debauched, decadent, shameless, louche, wanton purchases at the grocery store you could ever make ALL TIME...

* Instagram: remember.........tomorrow is a brand new day to try again!!!

Michael Weiss: but not if the SPECIFIC followers you want to talk with aren't around...

* Ave Maria: dad's favorite aria, the Maria Aria...

Mr. Holland: ...

Mr. Holland: your dad was an operahead.

* Lionel Messi: methinks there's an idea brewing in my head, what if i team up with Trader Joe's...

Trader Joe's: Trader Joe's sucks. we're only interested in clever, not cookie butter. we only care about newsletters, not nets.

* security guard at the Bank of America: *looking at his phone, doomscrolling...*

* Roger Federer on a tennis court again.

Roger Federer: during a match, when i finish a set, i go to the 7-Eleven located right next to my chair, i open the swinging frosted-glass door, and i pick out a Coke Ultimate and a Mustard Skittles from the frozen-aisle cabinet...

* kissogram: the sweet way of being a stripper...

* PBS: only on PBS would you see two grown burly men wearing lumberjack trousers from Cumberland brawling over a table-tennis match...

* Walmart: look at the top of your page on our website, these 4 items have been your life struggles this month...

* Suzy Lu: show him what's what.........what's what isn't an old-timey phrase, it's a Scottish phrase...

* Kacchan: i catch Izuku.........i mean i catch Deku.........i mean i catch the nerd...

* shushing emoji: it's not necessarily a secret. stop talking so loud!!!...

* Dan Fielding: if Night Court doesn't get a season 2, i can always play for the Argentinian Women's National Soccer Club...

* The Wiz: it's a musical, remember? The Wizard of Oz was just a movie...

* Kurt Cobain: Bainbridge Island was the first time i ate a pickle...

Roger Federer: i am NOT switching...

* The Nintendo Power Glove: you need someone else to love you, it's the only way...

* timpano: the flavor is drummed into you...

Emeril Lagasse: BAM!!! the bam is less powerful cos i use an air fryer now...

Mr. Holland: your bam is a BM. your bam is now a bowel movement, not a concerto movement.

* Emeril Lagasse: don't you love how my middle name is John?...

* Melissa Maker: you think of me everytime you refill your Q-tips bowl. right? everyone does...

* Phoenix: i now know why A Tribe Called Quest is my favorite band... 

* No7: our skin-care products only work if you have a British accent. one day no matter how old you are, you will achieve a beauty that is worthy of the next Doctor Who character...

* Wendy's Night Mode.

clerk: let me hear that beep-beep for 6 strips of crisp never greasy bacon. ALRIGHT!!! now beep-beep-beep for TWELVE strips of bacon!!!.........*throwing in the dishrag* i can't anymore. i can't do this anymore. you're killing yourselves, people. you shouldn't be at a Wendy's this late. filling your loneliness with suet. you need to go to Tibet and never eat another burger again in your life...

* Amazon Prime.

Fleabag: no, this isn't the Lifetime movie about Florence + the Machine...

* Olay: this is not a bed commercial...

Trent Reznor: Ten Miles Deep?...

* Olay: you know those beds that are made out of purple guacamole?...

passionfruit juice with one sugarcube: yous a bobo-bitch.

* Mrs. Fields: Dan Fielding was my son till i disowned him. No Crumbs? that was MY thing, man!!! remember how you got your first experience of what a REAL chocolate-chip cookie tasted like at the mall? you never knew those chocolate chips were supposed to MELT!!! 

Troy Dyer: ...

Mrs. Fields: Ethan Hawke can be my son. what's old is new again...

CLICK HERE FOR AN IRISH GOODBYE

happy weekend, my babies.

TOMORROW: you can't deny that Carl's Jr. goes for it. their El Diablo burger is back and, yes, it's $6.66. i mean they just don't care, they barrel right on ahead with the marketing. i adore that. but Carl's Jr. gives me virulent diarrhea. so i'm sticking with my California Burger from Carl's Jr., you know the one with the Thousand Island dressing, this is the closest DoorDash will ever come to delivering In-N-Out Burger to your house...

you thought Thousand Island dressing was French, right? turns out it's Canadian...

Roger Federer: i will never play fucking pickleball. professionally NOR with my kids. i will sooner play salsa golf than i EVER will pickleball!!!...

THE WIZ: JACK IS BACK

 

Prince is hiking alone in the Taiwan mountains when he runs into Tai and Luke Russert.

Prince: i'm looking for my friend. have you seen her?

Tai: oh yeah, woman with the shaved head? communes with monks? i just saw her over that hill over there spitting at Codrus.

Prince: thanks. we made up.

Michael Jackson: for the record, I would have worked with Sinead O'Connor without punching her...

The Pope: Sinead O'Connor forgave me.

Lorne Michaels: it was good for ratings. 

Prince: WHOA!!! didn't expect you to have LONG HAIR!!!

Sinead O'Connor: yeah it's time for me to rest, being angry all the time really sapped my life energy. at this point i'm like FUCK IT, you know?

Luke Russert: reach your hand into my sack.

Tai: your backpack, right? your satchel? the ol' reacharound. oldest trick in the book. nothing's gonna bite my fingers off, right?

Luke: your fingers are your best feature...

Tai: oh. they're Himalayan Pink-Salt walnuts. how quaint.

Luke: i'm trying for you. i'm trying to be sophisticated. a refined galut.

Tai: you do look like an omega-3 fatty acids guy.

Luke: you're saying i'm fat?

Luke: you know, when i die, as sad a day as that's gonna be, if Emilie Ikeda is the one to break the news on the Today Show, it won't be that bad anymore, you know?

Tai: so what are we doing with these walnuts today, Luke?

Luke: i thought we'd cuddle together inside one blanket  atop that sunsetter plateau over there and watch the "Waldorf Salad" episode of Fawlty Towers. one day you'll wake up from your sleeping bag and you'll only see my backpack on a stick in front of the tent camp. and you'll know that i'm gone.

Luke cradles Tai's head in his rugged forearms.

Luke: but fear not, child!!!! I SHALL RETURN. i'm going on sabbatical from myself, that's all. i'll never actually leave, i'll never abandon you, you gotta know that, right?

Tai: yeah you'll be at the grocery store. 

Luke: you can only get Himalayan Pink-Salt walnuts, you can't get regular walnuts.

Tai: those bags on sticks are EVERYWHERE outside on every Starbucks sidewalk...

i'm at a noisy arcade but i still need to talk with Jen R.

me: i intend to speak my piece over a Frogger nester.

Jen R: i can't hear. i can't hear you. oh wait, i can hear you now. i got my ears dewaxed this morning.

Lindy Lenz: she was a perfect patient in the back of our camper van.

me: i saw a thumbs-up on Instagram this morning that WASN'T yours. it made me feel sad.

Jen R: yeah, i did that thumbs-up a certain way, a special way. don't you like that my picture is still up on Instagram? doesn't it make you feel close to me even tho i'm not?

me: no, it makes me feel WORSE when i see your face still up there. i still think THERE'S A CHANCE. listen, i get it from your side, the Irish Goodbye is the PERFECT way to go. it's clean as fuck. you leave with ZERO baggage. the problem is you leave the people on the other side IN YOUR WAKE with the terrible burden of HOPE. as long as you don't officially say goodbye, i can still dream that we'll be married someday. somehow. and one day we'll get divorced. but not after MANY happy times.

Jen R: do you really think we'd be together LONG ENOUGH to necessitate a divorce?

me: oh no, if i ever snagged you, i would NEVER let you go no matter HOW bad things got. i see the LONG game at all times. my third eye is a pirate telescope.

Jen R: i kicked your ass in Double Dragon. remember that night?

me: of course. that was the only night i've ever spent in an arcade sober. this is why i love you.

Bruce Davison: here i am. Bruce Davison. i'm Bruce Davison. i'm an actor like you are. i'm an actor like everyone is...

Pete Davidson: my uncle Bruce Davison told me to eat more breadfruit and durians in hotels to become yellower...

Adam Ried from America's Test Kitchen: my eye? i took too much cocaine in the '70s and my eye started crying and never stopped...

Jack Tripper: Adam Ried saved my life. he performed CPR on me when i was choking at the Regal Beagle and Mr. Furley was distracted by some girls...

Sir Jackie Stewart: mate don't use the champagne bottle to smash Max's trophy, he earned that with his guile. that's real low-class that is, mate. go to your hotel room, soak in a champagne bath, and think about what i've said... 

foot site: discuss symmetry and aesthetics ONLY. i mean it!!! no politics!!!

shrink: hey kids, the weather's nice today but mommy and daddy are getting a divorce.........as you get older your circle of friends shrinks...

Gladyce: gotta save your socks, dear, gotta do your jumping jacks barefoot...

Secretariat: me at the Belmont, the only GOOD blowout in sports history.

Dennis with a grapnel slingshot: i'm not trying to be a menace here but my favorite bubblegum flavor is grape.

Minonk: where the monks stay secret...

firesmith: when the Fire Force firefighter team has lunch with an Uzumaki-swirled cut of half-ham...

Lynyrd Skynyrd "That Smell": it's not about farts. it's actually a very sobering song about addiction needles.

Genghis Khan: if you well and truly want to write an honest, fair crit of someone, look within at the lush landscapes of Mongolia, the scenery inside your heart...

Jack Tripper: hey man, take back that '70s orange from Former Ex President Bump, orange is OUR color, orange is a GOOD color, orange is the color of groovy peace.

Celine from the Before Trilogy: be careful when you type bonjour that it doesn't come out as B.O. Hour...

Sandy Cheeks: where did Ariana go?

SpongeBob: Ariana Grande left me when i ran out of nuts.

Sandy, hugging SpongeBob: it's okay, SpongeBob, i'll never leave you. i'm trapped underwater here.

SpongeBob, blowing his nose on Sandy's astronaut helmet: i like you better anyhow.

Eye Luggage: The Wiz and go.

Laertus: sorry we're late, we just finished dinner. soup again.

Michael Jackson: can we once and for all stop making fun of the name? you don't know HOW many Wiz Parties i've tried to organize at Neverland that got cancelled at the last minute.

Skins parties: ...

Michael Jackson: when was the last time you watched a G-rated movie?

Phineas: when i watched Perry playing beanball with Fern. Perry plays for keeps... 

Eye Luggage: i've seen Perry drunk on perry...

Doofenshmirtz: can i ask Candace out NOW?

Rubikon: "Ease On Down the Road", THIS is the song for the ages, a truly ICONIC song that truly SEPARATES itself from the white Oz canon. distinguishes itself. it really is its OWN CREATION, its OWN LEGACY. it stands on its own merits and surpasses the original. they really did the Yellow Brick Road right and proud and FUNKY with this song!!! i GUAR-AN-TEE you'll be singing this song in the aisles the moment you first hear it...

Michael Jackson: this was my very first acting job, you can tell i'm having a GRAND OLD TIME playing this Scarecrow. the part suits me, i'm having a BALL with this gig. it's true, i can finally act silly, all i've ever wanted to do was act silly. i've never been happier in my life than when i was doing the Scarecrow in The Wiz. i was so carefree back then, i had NONE of the problems i do now, my heart was light, so light i would sing spontaneously on set. i prepared for this role by becoming a real gazelle...

crones: that boy's got SPELLS!!!

Michael: thanks. i'm still young, my magic is still green...

Diana Ross: if it wasn't for ME, none of this would have happened. I was the one who got the wheels turning, got the wheels grinding, who oiled the wheels with Tin Man's butt oil. i was the CUTE CATALYST. this project was MY baby. which made it all the more HURTFUL when i got RAKED OVER THE MOTHERFUCKING COALS, i mean i got SHREDDED in the press, everyone and their auntie thought i was too old to play Dorothy. well fuck you i did it for Toto. really, child. i met the love of my life on this set: not a man, Toto. 50 years later and we're still going strong!!! we finish each other's sentences.

Sinead O'Connor: it's the animal instinct in all of us...

Diana: i can still outrun Toto tho.

Paul McCartney: take me back, Diana!!! 

Princess Diana: ...

Paul McCartney: no not you, take me back, Diana Ross!!!

Nipsey Russell: you know me from Match Game, the good cool '70s version. the jokes i tell? think of me as a black Don Rickles. fuck that, think of me as ME, dammit. i tried to slyly inject a little of my blue humor into this but nobody cared. i'm me but i'm like Andy Kaufman, i'm a song-and-dance man. but nobody remembered my song-and-dancing, they just wanted me to tell dirty jokes...

Ted Ross: you know how i was able to sing all those groovy songs and do all my lion mannerisms? check out this SMOOTH AS FUCK handlebar boxer's mustache i got going on growing on my face. oh, and to the Scarecrow of the previous Wizard of Oz incarnation's non-bold decaffeinated bloated take, i simply say: ROAR!!! IMMA EAT YOU DOWN!!!

Diana Ross: you see this movie with your family round the Thanksgiving table every year, the same way you do She's Gotta Have It...

Spike Lee: we did. the Lee family did every year. this film is more of a cult classic than any of my films!!!

Diana Ross: okay so there are some similarities with Princess Diana, i'm a 24-year-old shy elementary schoolteacher...

Diana Ross: if my acting here seems awkward and stilted throughout, it wasn't my fault, this fro they made me wear was just NOT RIGHT, it made me look weird and feel uptight, i need to LET MY HAIR DOWN, LITERALLY!!!

Aunt Em: child, you're 24, you're too old to still be living with your parents!!! it's a little something i like to call ADULTING...

Diana Ross: reality bites.

Auntie Em: why when your Uncle Henry and i were your age we already had our own brownstone in Harlem!!! 

me: "The Feeling That We Once Had," this is giving me the morbs. i feel this song. deeply and painfully in my soul. you can never go back and recapture it, it remains nostalgia.

Toto: it's not my fault. BOTH times. dogs like to play in the snow and in tornadoes. whilst jamming to "Rosanna." 

Maria LaRosa and her 4 kids: the last time there was a tornado in New York City was 1899...

Sidney Lumet: and now this is the Opening Ceremonies of an Olympics in a South American city. we got cool sets for this. we filmed at the New York State Pavilion from the 1964 New York World's Fair, it was decaying so it was perfect for our purposes.

Takahashi: all the sets here are giving me gritty grungy The Warriors vibes.

Grover with a switchblade: yeah, like the way Sesame Street was in the '70s...

Sidney Lumet: remember Astroland? we didn't have Disneyland as kids, we just had Astroland and a couple of log flutes on the Hudson River. The Cyclone is proof that if you build a rollercoaster out of WOOD, it will last FOREVER.........until it gets burned down in protest.

Yoda in Oscar de la Renta socks: fuck the forest.

Arnold Horshack: is Mrs. Kotter making out with Mr. Kotter on the tin rollercoaster at Coney Island again?... 

 

Miss One: coolest name ever. 

Miss One: silver is more valuable than ruby. think about it...

G-rated movie: we got drug runners up in this bitch...

Michael Jackson: i've been up here A LONG-ASS DAMN TIME. get me DOWN from here, man!!! you know why the song i sing is so damn FLY with the PHAT beats? cos i wrote it.

crows smoking cigars: we're from the Ralph Bakshi movie...

Scarecrow: i don't have a brain. but i do have a Reese's Peanut Butter Cup for a nose, that's what got me conscious about my nose the rest of my life...

Dorothy: where to, Scarecrow?

Scarecrow: over there. i have a photographic memory. i know EVERY song lyric by heart...

Tin Man: don't marry a woman who is SO BIG she can sit on you and flatten you to death.........sorry...

Tin Man: why is my right arm a box of Kellogg's Corn Flakes?...

Cowardly Lion: i'm only here to remind the boys and girls to go to the New York City Public Library. book fairs on WEEKDAYS only. you can only get to the library by TAXI. no library card required, all New York City kids are literate.

Diana Ross: let's not drop down and ride this subway, i hear glass bottles...

Tin Man: what were you before you were a lion?

Cowardly Lion: a pimp. Crown Royale was my ride and my soda.

Dorothy: that ain't a whip, that's a cane...

G-rated movie: we got prostitutes up in here, the Poppy Girls...

Arnold Horshack: this reminds me of my roof...

Sidney Lumet: don't you love all the bright saturated colors?!!! very Pee-wee's Playhouse.

green is for gangrene!!! red is for broken hearts!!! blue is the color of how we feel all the time!!! yellow is Mustard Skittles!!!

Richard Pryor: i mean did you ever think you'd see a GIANT METALLIC HEAD that's my face with each individual strand of the curly hairs in my afro sculpted to perfection?!!! that is cool, jack. that's cool, cat.

Evillene: is my dress made of candy?

Sidney Lumet: the world is one big sweatshop, am i right? monkeys on motorcycles? that is so THX-1138, the flying is in your mind...

Evillene: i better get a Nell Carter sitcom out of this. that He-Man figurine of me better show me to scale, honey, show ALL my curves, baby.

  

Tin Man: damn, dude, Evillene woke up and chose VIOLENCE!!! is this still G-rated? just give her the silver shoes, Dorothy, i'll pick you up some Spike Lee Air Jordans tomorrow at the mall at Foot Locker...

Greykid: NOT THE DOG!!! not Toto, no Toto in a fire of any kind, okay, G-rated movie?... 

Rubikon: this is a very powerful dance. it's the dance of freed slaves. what is TRUE freedom for us? it's an Existential question to this day...

Michael Jordan: BOTH the men dancers and the women dancers are wearing my Hanes underwear...

Sidney: and now we're on an angle on a slant slowly rollerblading down the Sherman Oaks Galleria parking-lot tower on a downhill...

Richard Pryor: i'm actually a corrupt politician from Chicago. it won't be until Obama comes along that this city will get cleaned up.

Charles Foster Kane: ...

Melissa Maker: ...

Sidney Lumet: oh i get it, a hot spotlight. the whole world's a stage, right? Shakespeare said the whole world is Broadway.

Dorothy: will i ever get home?

Richard Pryor: yeah you see this is a dystopian New York City. and the Scarecrow, Tin Man, and Cowardly Lion are YOUR own fears: YOUR emptiness, lack of soul, and timidness around becoming an adult. you do NOT want to be an adult, you lack COURAGE, woman.

Diana Ross: thank you, no more mansplaining, Dick Pryor. come on, man, i'm a black woman from Detroit, i'm as STRONG as they come!!!

Richard Pryor: i'll send you all back home if you do one favor for me. where's Cosby? where's Bill Cosby? we need to settle this. we need to settle this once and for all. we're gonna settle this like men, we're gonna settle this on the tennis court...

Dorothy: what i'm saying is that all that easing down the road was good exercise but you didn't need to do it.

Nipsey Russell: say what, Diana Ross?

Michael Jackson smiling like Santa Claus: should i do Captain EO or Scarface next?...

Dorothy: you had those qualities inside you all along. we introverts are terrible to ourselves, we're always listening to the negative voice in our heads. that voice's name is Elon Musk.

Ted Ross: be a lion, show the gazelle the error of his ways...

Ted Ross: are we related?

Diana Ross: no.

Lena Horne: i am Ear Horn's auntie...

me: Lena Horne's singing of "Believe In Yourself" gives me the MORBS exponentially!!! no, i don't want to grow up!!! no, i don't want to be an adult!!! i don't want to rely on myself!!! self-sufficient is scary. someone else can pay the rent, YOU can pay the rent, YOU pay the rent!!!...

Lena Horne: click your heels 1600 times, don't you dare shine your silver slippers, and sing "Home" by Depeche Mode or the Smashing Pumpkins. then you'll be home.

Diana Ross: 1600?

Oprah: my SAT score.

Obama: and my address. i'm him.

Rubikon: the music they play during the end credits here is the same music they play at the end of the Academy Awards Oscars ceremony. it brings back the MEMORIES, boy!!! this was the ONE film you watched with your whole family all year, the ONE time you were ALL together all year. i'm getting weepy over here. the '70s are never coming back...

me: my birth year is never coming back...

Rubikon: this film taught me. can i be a kid again? Next on ABC: the Jackson 5 Miniseries. g'night folks.

EYE LUGGAGE'S MOM: EAR HORN

 

Laertus: meeting the parents is a dread chore. but i am perfectly UNNERVOUS on this street. i've never felt so calm, i'm lighter than the clouds i walk on, lighter than my lighter. i know the path my life is, i'm walking in the right direction, into a GIANT embankment of overcast tube clouds, can't see a thing. i'm hopscotching into fluffiness. i know i'm close to my heart Eye Luggage's house. just 12 or 14 more sidewalk squares to go. i'm stepping like a smitten schoolgirl. peaceful pieces. i knock on the door with a RUSTY CLANG waiting for a tall slender butler...

Eye Luggage's mom Ear Horn answers, she's a short stocky woman whose power belies her stature. a beige cornucopia is plugged into her left earhole. she wears brown stockings so high up her knee they reach her ear. 

Ear Horn: and made of such LIGHT lithe material. i'm always afraid i'll tear a hole in my toe from walking in this house with no clogs. but i always forget and the material always holds. do you have Kenergy? i sense kenergy in you, lad.

Laertus: oh yes, ma'am, i THOROUGHLY don't mind being the sidekick. i keep in the back and don't say a word, i observe. 

Ear Horn: are you getting off on me sizing you up? 

Laertus: um, if i say yes will you hate me forever?

Ear: only if you're lucky. are you sure a goth and non-goth going together is prudent, dearie?

Eye Luggage: MOM DON'T EMBARRASS ME!!!

Ear: i can't tell if you're beaming red, if it's coming out of your black.

Eye: it's called blush, mom.

Laertus: the way i suss things is thus: your daughter is my heart and she is my black heart so it all evens out.

Ear: how do you assess our tiny mansion on the corner of Gilmore St.?

Laertus: it is quite the ELEGANT home. i've heard rumors of Gilmore Street but i never imagined it THIS lovely. the permacloud of grey which encompasses the street is quite atmospheric. 

Eye: it's a goth house.

Ear: yeah but not an AMERICAN Gothic House. no crosses in windows here.

Laertus: are those stained-glass windows?

Ear: oh no, lad, we both gave up religion a long time ago. why did you, dearie?

Eye: being a Christian chick did NOTHING for my mental illness.

Ear: same, it just made mine worse. the more hardcore Christian you are the harder the mental illness...

Eye: now i'm just a crazy chick with tits.

Ear: same.

Laertus: the Door to Hell?

Ear: Hell is a state of mind. nah it's just a red door. the Vaporwave Vent on the top of the roof, that's a window that allows for only the finest music to pipe through. the terrace balcony at the very top is not for jumping but rather for hanging out like Japanese schoolkids who shoot the breeze on top of their school's roof in Boogiepop Phantom (2000). how are my weekly bingo knitting-circle friends? haven't seen them here for epochs.

Eye: Gladyce is living in the present, Doryce is always nowhere to be found...

Ear: that Doryce's a troublemaker, she's always disappearing things...

Laertus to Eye: where's your dad?

Ear: my HUSBAND.........is DEAD.........to us...

Laertus: you don't have to. i'm a stranger around here.

Ear: it was skiplagging i'm afraid. we were all set for our destination wedding.........but everybody went to the hidden city instead...

Eye: not the PC game...

Ear: what's your favorite movie?

Eye: DON'T ANSWER THAT!!! IT'S A TRICK QUESTION!!! there's no right answer, babe, she'll keep you trapped here for eternity.

Laertus: that doesn't have to be a bad thing, babe.

Ear: tis a witch's parlour game, dearie. innocent, meant to quell the boredom. in the meantime some blush is in order, dearie, your cheeks are rather pale this evening. i think i will, too.........soup's almost on...

Trinity the cat: i'm rooting for Trinity Rodman!!!

Rory McIlroy: the world loses when a short cocky frat guy wins a Major...

Easter Island: you don't have the stones, journeyman. 

Brian Harman: there's nothing i can say that'll sound smart...

Easter Island: how'd you get ON this island anyway?...

Brian Harman: short people can do things...

Senku: how'd i stay sane for 3000 years? lots of Sanka instant coffee crystals and golf.

Tony Kornheiser's son: i coulda been a contender...

Tony Kornheiser: and our show with George Costanza coulda been Cheers...

Alan Brennert: i look like a young Stephen King. that's how i also expect to be treated...

Kylie Cox-Toyota: my real name, the Japanese people are more comfortable with porn than Americans...

Melbourne: in a race you can only achieve ONE flying lap. much as in life, you can only achieve that ONE good sexual experience...

Sir Jackie Stewart: you know me. no, not from the Swinging Sixties. from that Heineken commercial. i don't drink the champagne, i shower people with the champagne...

spice bag: that's the thing, it's actually Irish...

Pete Davidson: when the strike FINALLY ends, I, ME, i should be the host for the first show back. right, Lorne?

Lorne Michaels: yes i know this. i am smart. and occasionally clever. i know which side my bread is buttered.

Crespi: that one move of ours would've changed EVERYTHING.........if you hadn't MOVED.........moved away...

Lucio: it's left to us poor sods who were born in the wrong decade to SULK FOREVER...

Hrishitaa Bhatt: Alyssa Milano from India...

galactic bulge: ...

Michael Weiss: if it's gonna be a tricky compliment, don't use it!!!

gummi beans: right?...

The Outer Limits "Dark Matters": would be a GREAT stage play...

Royal Stewart tartan: British plaid...

Lance Lear Armstrong: the Tour de France Femmes, each of my 3 daughters will win all the races: Queen of the Mountains, the fastest time-trial, and the straightest...

Vinicius Jr.: a soccer player from Ancient Rome...

Roger Federer: i mean is it kosher to have the linespeople all wearing Tennis Channel shirts?...

Snapdragon Cup: ramen, not a soccer trophy...

Ear Horn stirs the pot with her tiny wooden spoon in a large cauldron of a bowl in the center of the room lit over by a flame on the ceiling of the kitchen. there's a ghostly aura surrounding the five corners of this kitchen.

Laertus: as i look all around this room, as i survey the shelves in this place, i notice you don't have a microwave.

Ear: of course not, goths don't do microwaves. a goth must have a STOVE, you know? an OVEN is very goth. for life and death, all-encompassing. you're staying for lunch?

Laertus: i'm staying for DINNER. forever. 

Ear: what are you willing to eat? anything wriggly?

Uncle Wiggily: ...

Laertus: tiny octopi?

Ear: i'll have to take-out for that. nobody delivers to our house anymore. i have a feeling you've never had okra.

Laertus: guilty. i'm ashamed. never tried it, even fried. i've also never had fish sticks with Louisiana hot sauce nor pasta with pesto.

Ear: looking at you you seem like an omega-3 fatty acids kinda guy.

there's a big bulky brown box TV plunked down in the middle of the shaggy living room with a giant screen completely covered by a silver spider web. the grey web is gossamer so you can still see the show. on right now in the background is Pictionary, with that host Jerry from Alice In Chains, their song "Whale + Wasp" playing as the end theme in the background when the game show ends.

Ear: why are you glum all the time? why aren't you sunny, sonny?

Laertus: me? gloomy? well i can't hear at all out of my left ear anymore but i've learned to ignore it. i've forgotten all about it.

Ear: sometimes it's better not to hear what people are saying. are you sure you want that fixed? cheer up, the first episode of the new season of Futurama dropped today!!!

Eye: that's intelligent background noise!!!

Laertus: i love that show more than my life. i've memorized every line of every episode. it heartens my soul to know that their play continues on, their draped proscenium is lit up once more. draped pronounced DRAPE-ED.

Eye: see, mom? my boyfriend's goth after all!!!

Laertus: ma'am, Mrs. Eye, Miss Ear, look, i mean, see me. please. i don't do anything but i love your daughter more than my life. more than my soul. with my weak feeble heart. i don't have a weekend heart, i have a weakened heart. i would take a bullet for your daughter, which, in goth terms, means something  completely different. accept me, a mere sheep, into your black fold. i beg of you, insert me into your goth family.

Ear Horn smiles cheekily with her upturned smile showing her no teeth.

Ear Horn: i know, lad, i felt it the moment you darkened our doorstep. i felt your love for my dearie daughter Eye.

Eye Luggage, smiling happily: and i felt him up to make sure he had a body.

Laertus: do goths have souls?

Ear: oh yes, dearie, massive ones, heavy ones, so big they can't fit our bodies.

Ear Horn hugs Laertus after Laertus bends down. Eye Luggage hugs her mom's head and her boyfriend's butt.

Laertus: lay it on me, mama. serve me that salty soup. i'll eat ANYTHING. i'm an adventurous eater. now. cos i like the adventure i'm on. now that i'm home. i'm home here. what's for dinner?