LUPIN III VS. CAT'S EYE: CAT'S EYE NEBULA

Greykid: know why it's called the Cat's Eye Nebula? cos cats already see the universe for what it is, cats don't need a third eye.

Trinity: or two eyes for that matter, some like me get by with one eye and one blind eye. i need cat glasses.

Suzy Lu and Steejo are making love in the dusty bedchamber of an old Scottish castle.

Steejo: it's one of three things. either we're on our honeymoon...

Suzy Lu: the whole planning for a youtube wedding is at least three months.

Steejo: or you're having mouth surgery again...

Suzy: my mouth will never end...or youtube finally decided that the whole world hates me so much that they cancelled my account. hey Steejo, you like how my cottage-cheese Scottish butt swings up and down in pounds of flesh when we do it on these moth-bitten Medieval sheets on a bed that WON'T STOP CREAKING from warped wood?

Steejo: aye. nice honeymoon aye. happy birthday, lass. that's it, lass, up the totem pole of my Scottish cock, my Scottish shuttlecock, i ain't no Sean Connery but i can at least be a Norm MacDonald. fuck on my stick till i kip. where's Kakashi?

Suzy, glumly as she's sliding up and down Steejo's pole: on a mission again.

Suzy Lu: my buttcheeks are two long flat skinny columns of longitudinal Attack on Titan sinew.  

Kakashi: the Two Week Sickness...

ThunderCats: why is every team named the Wildcats? what's the deal with America and wildcats?

Jane Dulo: i never married. but John Travolta DID KISS me on the mouth in that Welcome Back, Kotter episode. that was the highest conquest a woman could achieve in the 1970s...

Travolta: and you were in your 70s in the '70s...

Tony Hawk: parents, don't be concerned if your child takes up skateboarding, a fall with BD&J lawyers will earn you $29 million.

Best Jeanist: what does BD&J stand for? i was never good with numbers, with equals.

Tony Hawk: that's my turmeric company.

Sanna Marin: the world's happiest countries are the smallest countries, have you noticed that?

Lucio: i hate hunting. i loathe hunters. i despise hunting culture. but it IS fun to hunt down and kill spam calls.

phew: the spam call was blocked.

Double Down: KFC's McRib

Rosso's: we're the furniture store that's ALWAYS CLOSING!!! WE'RE ALWAYS BEING LIQUIDATED!!!

tunnel walk: professional athletes are spiders...

Lucio from a spy phonebooth outside: when there are SO MANY spam phone calls, it adds so much pressure to the phone, my poor green phone can't take that much ringing!!! THE RINGER'S GONNA FALL OFF!!!

Dirg: the fact that i couldn't share by sending that photo cos the Instagram account was PRIVATE saved my marriage.

Mardith: you will NEVER BE MARRIED.

me: as long as i see your picture still on your Instagram profile, i know you'll return, you're still around, right?

Jen R: no. that's just Instagram's Auto-Feature.

Lucio: spam calls suck. but they do mean the power's still on so that's a good thing. i got a call from Nazareth...

Jesus with an electric guitar made of wood: ...

a coffeemaker that orders fresh beans: i mean, it works, so i guess it's better than a tiny microscopic home blood test...

Elizabeth Holmes: i'm surrounded by pricks.

Jennifer Rubin: why does everyone massage my arm when i come on their shows?.........oh yeah i forgot, i'm a hot little sexy spitfire Jewish grandmother.

Jen R: BUBBIE!!!

whew: the sound of a spam call going to the Tom Cat from Tom & Jerry Pink Floyd lit Heaven escalator stairway to die.

Tom from Tom & Jerry: i talk.........but rarely. i sound like a gangster.

Jerry from Tom & Jerry: i sound like either a gangster or a baby.

Pink Floyd: we never talk. we sing and abstract.

Lucio: never start talking with the word "so"...

Mardith: OH COME ON!!! the Outer Limits episode "Lithia", when they flash the cast credits at the beginning the ONLY MAN's name comes first!!! are you fucking kidding me?

Helen Shaver: don't know why but this script was written by a man. at least there was a female director, ME. I MADE SURE OF IT!!!

Sam Egan: my family and ancestors were hunted down and killed by the Nazis, i wrote a concentration-camp Outer Limits based on their story, i'm with you, i'm on YOUR side.

Eye Luggage: Lupin III vs. Cat's Eye and go. i am recused from commenting on this movie for bias cos my name is eye. just kidding, i hardly get a word in edgewise when we're discussing movies anyway on a weekly basis...

Eye: sponsored by Carl's Jr.

Dirg: let's be honest, this was bad. the only redeeming quality here is the bodies on those Cat's Eye girls have nice shapes.

Laertus's dad: AND that it takes place in the '80s.

Takahashi: PLEASE, i beg you, no more of this CGI, it's soul-sucking. computers are NOT the answer. go back to hand-drawn animation, go back to the 1900s, we will wait 20 YEARS for the next animated film!!!

Mary Elizabeth McGlynn: WHOA, the silver-haired fox of a villain in this looks exactly like our Kuze from Ghost in the Shell.

Anderson Cooper: ...

Anderson Cooper: he's not a virgin, okay?

Takahashi: the best part about Cat's Eye in the 1980s was that end-credits theme song, that dance was so '80s Aerobics with the purple legwarmers and the fuzzy headbands.

Jane Fonda: once i was late for spin class and i wore my headband around my butt, i invented the thong.

Takahashi: Ms. Fonda, why don't you do an anime? aren't you sick of Tom Brady by now?

Jane Fonda: yeah. i can't believe Tom is still actually retired!!! T.B. hasn't updated his twitter since this morning, has he? i mean if I can't retire HE can't retire!!!

Michael Knight messily eating an Everything Burger: Cat's Eye from Cat's Eye were the Anime Charlie's Angels!!!

policeman: who am i kidding, i'm a security guard.

Kingpin from Spider-Man: so i'm a fat Lex Luthor? but Japanese. accept Japanese. my tower is IMPENETRABLE!!! it's like the Twin Towers...

policeman: i know it's the '80s but STOP RIGHT THERE. hey maybe i am a policeman.

Kingpin: i was gonna say the Twin Towers with lasers.

Rudy Giuliani: ...

Cat's Eye: low-tech is the way to go, these wind hang-gliders are RAD!!! no electricity needed and they can't be spotted in the air by guns mounted on Gotham zeppelins. 

blue Cat's Eye: it's a good thing my butt is so NICE AD TIGHT, i was able to SQUEEZE THROUGH the red lasers without getting burned. 

baby beige Cat's Eye: electric blue.........electrocuted.

purple Cat's Eye: let's face it, we couldn't do this job if we were fat, if we were fat spies, it's not a vanity thing...

at the Cat Cafe.

Trinity: no actual cats here, disappointing.

baby beige Cat's Eye: hey sis, next time you spill scalding hot coffee on my lap, wait till i get my Cat's Eye suit on first!!!

strange man walks into the cafe.

strange man: i'm revealed to be the villain at the end of the movie, sorry but i'm too old to keep a secret, i'm practically smelling the grasses in my grave now.

Lupin: yeah, SPILL THAT SHIT. that's the thief way.

strange man: i knew your father, he was an art collector.

Cat's Rye: wait, are we sisters? we look nothing alike.

Lupin: why are we always involved with Nazi art? it's always Nazi loot. i've had enough of the Nazi stuff, i'm done with the Nazi stuff, no more Nazi stuff.

Lupin: we both have calling cards. mine has my face in cartoon form.

Cat's Eye: ours are playing cards that are illegal in all casinos.

blue Cat's Eye: when i'm a Cat's Eye i look like Kitana from Mortal Kombat.

Mileena: yeah, me without the barracuda teeth.

Tanya: she's just jealous of what we have, Mileena, Clone Prime Mama Kitana is jealous of our love.

Fuerza: ...

 

policeman: i have a crush on Blue Cat's Eye. i figured that out myself, i'm getting my Junior Detective badge Thursday.

blue Cat's Eye as a waitress: that's me!!!

policeman: you two look nothing alike. there's no mask or anything, she wears different clothes than you, the two faces are the same.

blue Cat's Eye: yeah, and that skintight lycra bodysuit i have to wear that cuts off my circulation, i do it for YOU, to attract you, dummy!!! goddammit.

Lupin: did someone say MASKS?...

Lupin III: let's fuck, Fujicakes.

Jigen: i don't like you, Fujiko.

Fujiko: yes but why? it never made any sense.

Goemon: confession time at the precinct: i loaned Zenigata my sword.

Pops: that sword was SWEET!!! i learned how to slide up and down a pole riding it.

Goemon: 13 is not an unlucky number for the Japanese...

Fujiko: i feel so disrespected right now. you know what? i'm not taking this shit anymore. i'm defecting from the Lupin gang, i'm gonna JOIN CAT'S EYE!!! Cat's Eye is now a Fearsome Foursome!!!

Cat's Eye: that's not a bad idea, with Fujiko as Team Leader we can't lose!!!

Fujiko: wait i gotta be the leader? that's too much work.

Dirg: defecating on Fujiko?

Fujiko: Alexa has spotted the virgin...

Lupin: this plan is a long con, it requires you to be a good actress, Fujiko. think you can do it? are you up for it?

Fujiko: i'm always up for it, Lupin, but you can't get it up. ACTING? i've faked my orgasms every time i was with you.

Suzy Lu: next time use a Scottish bedchamber.

Fujiko, scowling: are you sure this plan's gonna work. Lupin?

Lupin: cinch. the getaway car will be a 1980 Honda Civic, none shall be the wiser!!!

baby beige Cat's Eye: why'd you come back for me to save me? why didn't you leave me by the side of this mountain with my leg broke forever?

Lupin: you can jump higher than Mt. Fuji. it's because i can tell you're cute.

baby beige Cat's Eye: but you can't see. i'm obviously the tomboy of the group. is it blind love?

Lupin: no, you have a cute voice. you remind me of my kid sister.

baby beige Cat's Eye: you have a sister?

Lupin: i don't know, the manga hasn't finished, it's still going...

Nazi leader: their counterplan won't work, it's made by women.

Fujiko: that beige is very unflattering.

baby beige Cat's Eye: me?

Fujiko: no not you. you three girls gotta stand up for yourselves!!! no one's gonna do it for you. you gotta be a bitch like me in this fucking man's world or you won't survive. less timid tech talk, more oily greasy punches!!! 

Tsunade: all women have the Will of Fire!!!

at the catacombs.

Lupin: don't touch the skulls.

baby beige Cat's Eye: ewwww. these are our ancestors, buddy!!! what the hell.

Lupin: no wait you can touch them, they're buttons.........i'm pretty sure one of these skulls is my real mother, one my real father, one my real hot babysitter when i was a kid, and one my real name...

at the catacombs.

Lupin: this symbol we're all searching for looks like a clitoris.

Fujiko: it's called a vulva, Lupin. you don't know where the clitoris is, do you?

Jen R: it's called a Cat's Eye Nebula.

at the Indiana Jones underground pyramid.

Lupin: okay i'm gonna spread this blue tape all across your house here, defiling your home, i'm gonna write LIMITED USE on the tape, you can't use your faucets no more, you can't toilet-flush, you can't shower.

Nazi leader: THAT's your idea of a fixjob?!!! fuck you i'm gonna use all the water i want!!! we eat on clean plates not commemorative plates!!!

Lupin: see that's why you guys lost the war, the Japanese people are much more self-sacrificing for the greater one common good. 

Trinity: you gotta feed us water, we gotta have our waterbowls everyday drought or no drought or broken washer/dryer.

Goemon: gum up the works, stuff HEAVILY-QUILTED toilet paper down the broken pipe when you go to the bathroom four times in ten minutes.

Cat's Eye at the cafe looking at closed-circuit TV footage from the parking lot.

Cat's Eye: so it turns out all these paintings were PRIVATE paintings of our family, our real mom and dad, and our ancestors.

Jigen: just a thought, maybe don't broadcast your family albums on Instagram, you know? what's the point of a public family album?

Michael Weiss: but i am Everyman.

Takahashi: well at least they played the Cat's Eye 1980s end theme at the end here.........not any of the Charlie's Angels Jane Fonda dancing but at least the singing...

Suzy Lu: it was fun being a chambermaid.........that was not for anime cosplay.

Margaret Atwood: ...

Margaret Atwood raising her hand Horshack-style: OO OO OO. i mean at least consider the color red...

Suzy Lu: g'night folks.

Steejo: don't overwork yourself, lass. g'night wee ones aye.

Margaret Atwood and Kakashi: g'night folks.

Suzy Lu: good birthday today, aye?

me: aye. good birfday.

Amanda Bynes: it was good for me.........last year.

Jen R: wanna know why i'm in human circles and some cat circles referred to as Cat's Eye Nebula?

me: ummmmmmmmm.........it has something to do with the shape of your vulva?

Jen R whacks me about the head and face. and across my lips.

Jen R: no, you wack dolt!!! sorry, hon. but you are an idiot. it's the cat's-eye nebula tattoo on my butt!!! YOU KNOW ABOUT THAT!!! 

me: i promise that i will not talk about any orange cat-eyed porn stars from Mexico i used to know, Latina lovers, whom i may or may not have done scenes with at the monastery.