me: would you travel all the way cross-country from New York to Los Angeles in a pickup truck across fields of gold for me? i would for you.
Jen R: awww, that's sweet. i've done the cross-country thing before, and for less. just to scope a few surfers on Carmel Beach riding glassy waves.
me: you can't wait for love to happen to you, to fall on your lap riding a pickup truck, you gotta go out there and FIND it yourself, and FIGHT to keep it.
me: watching this when the scene comes on and BAM there's Madonna and i IMMEDIATELY think of you. it was more forlorn cos this was during the period you were missing.
Jen R: again, awww that's sweet.
Andre Agassi: my favorite food is chicken fingers...
Daisy Jones & The Six: Almost Famous for TV.
Dirg: bifler?...
Michael Steele is fucking Jennifer Rubin in the MSNBC luncheonette breakfast breakroom.
Michael Steele: this is wild, i've never been here before.........all three meanings.
monastery: it's a vacation spot, a dream destination, an area to shut down, a place for a short holiday...
monastery: we will never leave Kyiv.
Shakespeare: where can i go/ to be left utterly alone?...
Harry Stone: yeah sorry but the Night Court revival is a dud. i mean what would a second season look like? these characters are dead, what more can they do? what more would anyone want them to do?
Shakespeare: writing for television is the hardest writing to do. especially when you HAVE TO WRITE a second season for a show that no one wants, whose characters the general populace and public don't give two shits about. how do you continue the story for characters who are begging to die?
Harry Stone: so how would this work? you gotta make it spicy or your ratings will sag into oblivion. Dan Fielding who's built like a tank has to essentially BECOME me, he starts imitating my voice and does card tricks, become Harold T. Stone, that's how he gets closer to Abby. eventually the father/daughter dynamic gets crossed when Abby fucks Dan in her chambers one late-night. Rand sucks, the endgame here HAS TO BE Abby and Neil getting together in the end and marrying, perhaps Neil murders Rand in the series finale and THEN we'll see whether Pete Holmes believes in God again. Olivia gains 300 pounds, becomes an advocate for fat acceptance, and marries Gurgs, they were hinting she was a lesbian, right? we see more of Gurgs's inner-city homelife, how her being a female black cop has ostracized her from her community, why she never wants to go home again, why she wants to live inside the courthouse forever with her silver mini-bottle of silver mouthwash. Judge Flobert becomes a top rap star at age 50 and joins the Super Mario Crew, Wendie Malick is revealed to have a high-pitched voice, and Abby's mother Gina marries Neil on a Star Wars moon with bistro lights.
Eye Luggage: Vision Quest and go.
Matthew Modine: not a space movie, not a Star Wars movie.
Kuch: vision quest as in the Native American ritual. although i'm not Indian, i got Indian blood like that senator had...
Louden Swain: GREATEST PROTAGONIST NAME in all of literature.
Holden Caulfield: ...
Holden Caulfield: pump the brakes, this is NOT as good as Catcher in the Rye for fuck sake!!!
Laertus's dad: now of course 1985 was the Magic Year.
Laertus, his son: yes. and this is very interesting, this was the last time that wrestling, not pro wrestling but real wrestling, would be THIS BIG again in this country, this popular, something followed by the masses. this evokes that nostalgic quality of the Olympics back in the '80s, you know, the teenage wrestler from an Ohio high school who trains on his farm and goes to the Olympics in China and defeats the 30-year-old undefeated Soviet wrestler for the gold medal and the entire country, yes THE ENTIRE COUNTRY roots for him, it brings us all together as a country, national pride is still a thing.
Laertus: oh and this film is a dead-ringer spiritual successor to Breaking Away.
Jen P: i admit it, i'm jelaous of Jen R.
Lance Armstrong: yeah, this movie has those same vibes, that same atmosphere and heft of air.
Laertus: Lance Armstrong? you still alive? you haven't collapsed from an anabolic overdose yet?
Lance Armstrong: heft in the air...
Kurt Cobain: weird. this takes place in Spokane and there is ABSOLUTELY NO INDICATION that the home of grunge is nearby, this looks like it takes place in Wisconsin. dairyfarm milk is NOT struggling scraggly semen swimmers.
Matthew Modine: i'm JOGGING JOGGING JOGGING WALKING RUNNING across bridge after bridge after bridge of Washington countryside to Journey, Tangerine Dream, and Quarterflash. of all of these i wish Quarterflash had made it more.
Journey's "Only the Young": it's true, only the young know. would it surprise you to learn that all the Muppets are patterned after Steve Perry?
Linda Fiorentino: beginner's luck? this was my FIRST AUDITION fresh outta the academy and i NAILED it and got the part!!! to be in a major motion picture after a few acting classes in Thousand Oaks, you know? how old is too old to start your drama career? is 50 too old to start?
Louden: i mean SHIT, why is my mailbox SO DAMN FAR AWAY from my house? the lengths i go to to write a letter. i'm loud, i won't back down, and i eat bacon while at the same time having a pet pig.
Louden: i gotta do something meaningful with my life not just because i'm 18 but because i have these dark premonitions that i'm gonna die young. so i don this red monkey suit and serve fancy food to hotel patrons. it's either gonna be the Party Down life or the Pat McAfee life for me, you know? all maitre-d's mack. except me, i'm a virgin.
stranger in hotel room: Tai Chi isn't karate, it's yoga.
Louden: i'm sold, teach me, master.
stranger: okay but lock the door behind you so we're alone together.
Louden: *click*
stranger: it gets very lonely on '80s business trips...
Mardith: oh Michael Schoeffling!!! now there was an '80s hunk!!! had that Ed Chigliak Darren E. Burrows vibe. and then the '80s came and went and Mike was gone...
Schoeffling: no, i just went on a REAL vision quest...
Kuch: wait, Cooch? like that guy from Van Nuys Blvd.? why is everyone Cooch now?!!! you like my Purple Rain motorcycle and long spiky Indian hair and feather in my belt? and racing jacket and goggles? these goggles make me look like an anime character.
Louden: some stranger in a hotel room just tapped my sac. my ballsac. my ballsack, my ball sack. i got molested. so i'm done with sex in my life, that kinda put me off sex.
Carla: am i sexier as the nubile older woman with the fro HERE or the experienced older woman with medium-length straight hair in The Last Seduction?
at the car dealership.
Linda: bras haven't been invented in New Jersey. why do you look like a baked potato?
Louden: i'm wearing this silver suit to shed a few pounds, the pressure in Hollywood and Daft Punk to stay thin. i'm cutting weight.
Linda: cutting weight? is that like cutting slabs of meat?
me: i mean i'd like it if for just ONCE i got a random houseguest boarder who looked like Linda Fiorentino...
Linda: so i see you have no onion salt. this means i have to be your new mom, see only moms know where to find onion salt. garlic salt is easy to get.
Ronny Cox: i'm not PROUD Mom dumped me and left our family, son. it's just something that happened. she had a valid reason, the other man sold vacuums.
Matthew Modine: gotta love this movie, i used the insult "airhead" on a man, that is beautiful.
Elmo: so you want to research Carla's cooze? read a book, go to the library, it's all there. i love a thirst for knowledge, this is what pornography is in the '80s, it's all at the library. a bunch of Chicano repo men just stole my car but that's neither here nor there...
Elmo: eat a burger like a man.........by not eating a burger.
J.C. Quinn: wait didn't i invent Regular Show? i coulda sworn i did anime voices, i have one of those faces...
Matthew Modine: i bleed from my nose TEN FUCKING TIMES in this movie!!! this movie shoulda been called Bleeder.
Professor Tanneran: Ralph Waldo Emerson was the shiznit, am i getting through to any of you young folk at all? sigh, why am i stuck at this dead-end high school? you know, the OverSoul, Self-Reliance, the needed counterbalance to Existentialism...
Louden: i get it, you're talking about me, i've been depressed lately...
Linda: i'm going to San Francisco to become an artist.
Louden: you're gay that's cool. i'm an enlightened jock. a friendly farmboy, a pasture pacifist. that's where Frida Kahlo is from, right?
Linda: the thing is, i could easily become an artist in Monterey...
Linda: somedays you just gotta be a dame.
Louden: a whore?
Linda: try a music lover, numbnuts. eat your Flintstones Chewable Vitamins!!!
Madonna singing on stage at the club: this is where it all started for me, at a nightclub in Seattle. WOW, i'm singing here and nobody gives a fuck who i am. it's like i'm invisible. i never had feelings like this before, i'm crazy for you. if i can't have you before i graduate high school i'm gonna acquire a bad gambling addiction.
Linda: i went to one of your little wrestling matches, not what i was expecting, i liked it. i thought it would be gay.
Louden: we're the first high school in the country to try the new Roman Meal bread loaf...
dad: are you sure a book report on the vagina is a thing you should be doing in school? maybe i should shout at a PTA meeting like one of those Trump cucks.
Louden: dad, it's the 20th Century.
dad: yes but it's still Wisconsin...
Daphne Zuniga: people think i have an association with Kirk Cameron but i really do not. i did Melrose Place before it was cool. i'm an Epstein who's smart, Mr. Kotter!!! I CAN'T BELIEVE they banned our student newspaper and made us pick up trash and wash graffiti!!! all over an article steeped in science not pornography!!!
Louden: the clitoris is a penis...
Daphne: BRILLIANT THESIS, Louden.
Louden: you fucked Tanneran, fuck me. now fuck me!!! why don't you fuck me?
Linda: bro chill. what's the matter with you? you're 17 years old, why is your language like that?!!! why are you so crude?
Eye Luggage: it's the most bizarre thing with '80s movies, men simply cannot express love to women in '80s movies, so it always ends up being a rape or a rape attempt.
Shute: shoot. i hope you make weight, i need someone to take this log off my back.
Jean-Pierre Baldosier: my last name is Baldosier? well THAT WAS EASY to come up with my nickname of Bulldozer!!!
Forest Whitaker: that's Balldozer.
wrestling coach: i look weird in overalls tights. don't bleed and you're on the team.
Louden: no, i'm gonna do the pegging thing and climb the wall and prove i'm a man. i love pegging.
Louden: dad, can i visit Grandpa in the woods?
Carla: yeah it's gonna be a LONG TRIP so i'd like to go so we'll have the time and space and opportunity so i can fuck your son. we'll do it in the Fields of Gold, the wheatfields, very farmboy, very Biblical, very Elysium.
Roberts Blossom: i'm old and it's the '80s, what's going on here?!!! i have everything i need in this cabin: loneliness. the only cure for loneliness? a medihaler.
by the campfire.
Linda: sex is no big deal for girls.
Louden: but for guys it's EVERYTHING.
Linda: which is why it's a crime against nature that women get the cherry, men should have a cherry in their penis.
Linda: RAPE ME LIKE A FARMBOY!!!
Louden: what?
Linda: sorry, i'm having flashforwards to my Last Seduction role.
running through the wheat tulips.
Linda: but you have so much to look forward to. college. wrestling. life. all the women you'll make love to.
Louden: death.
Linda: kids. death.
the drive home.
Louden: did i do sex good? was i good?
Linda: i know your goofiness is your charm but it's getting a little thin. there is such a thing as too much innocence, gagging innocence. you're cute but you have a weird misshapen smile, snake lips or something.
Louden: i was only able to actually have real sex because i drive a car. i was only able to be a normal person because i got a FUCKING SPORTS SCHOLARSHIP TO COLLEGE!!! ALL FOUR FUCKING YEARS FREE!!!...
Louden: come on, Kuch, we'll both get out of this hick town and into the big city with our wrestling scholarships.
Kuch: only YOU got the scholarship. i wanted to be cool so i became an Indian but i'm a fraud. the vision-quest stuff is still solid and sound tho.
Louden: but you ARE an Indian, your dad is an alcoholic.
Kuch: REALLY NOT HELPING, dude. mean drunks are worse than sober skiers.
Gwyneth: sloppy skiers, sloppy-drunk skiers, eat apples to dry out.
Elmo: you know who Pele is?
Louden: no, he's dead.
Elmo: six minutes, that's the time it takes to inspire sadsacks like me to make something of their sad SAC pathetic empty doomed hopeless lives, well existences, they gave up on living a meaningful life years ago, i am one of those sad short-order cooks. you see that soccer ball go in that goal and you're DISTRACTED for six minutes. six minutes is also the time it takes to get a divorce...
P.E. coach: i want all these muscular young men to strip down, no skivvies, no underwear, i want to see your cocks, pecs, abs, and butts.
wrestlers: for the weigh-in?
P.E. coach: the what?
Linda: you like my pose leaning against the locker in my Top Gun jeans at the end here?
Pat Morita: this ending is like The Karate Kid but so painfully bland. i'm gonna see if i can guest-star on an Outer Limits episode...
Louden, monologuing: i guess that's why we gotta love those people who deserve it like there's no tomorrow. cos when you get right down to it---there isn't. six minutes. six minutes is all it takes. six minutes is the amount of time needed to make love to someone. six minutes later i forgot Carla ever existed...
Carla: so Carla just leaves? just like that? she never sees Louden again? she is never part of Louden's life going forward? she go bye bye?
Madonna: g'night folks.
Linda Fiorentino: BITCH I'M BIGGER THAN YOU!!! i'm actually a New Jersey gangster moll IN REAL LIFE!!! unlike you who just plays one on TV. g'night folks.
Jana Marie Hupp: i played football. should my best friend be Jennifer Aniston or Gwyneth Paltrow?...
Linda Fiorentino: yeah i'm sorry but i don't buy this. i don't buy this for one minute. there is NO WAY IN HELL a seasoned street-smart woman like Carla would fall for a young tacky goofball like Louden. Tanneran is the better match for her, intellectually, sexually, socially, equally. we gotta be realistic here, folks. and as i've always said, KINDNESS is key...
Linda Fiorentino: best line in the entire movie is when i say: i've been 21 since i've been 12.
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