me: it's always a trip watching the Oscars.
Jen R: i wouldn't know, i'm always in a drug haze.
me: babe it gets me nervous when i can't find you. everyday i have to REUPLOAD MY FOLLOW of you on Instagram, it's always saying your account doesn't exist, you don't exist, which i know is false.
Jen R: i'm as real as you.
me: it's nerve-racking. i was all alone at the Oscars party waiting for you to show, i had a tray out of your favorite dessert.........which is?
Jen R: beef wellington. jellyroll you know how i roll. Swiss roll cos my favorite player is Taylor Fritz the one who looks like Evan Dando. anything with The Swirl. i'm into the swirl.
me: Uzumaki, coming to Adult Swim 2025...
Jen R: AREN'T YOU HAPPY FOR BRENDAN FRASER!!! finally. ecstatic.
me: yeah, he finally got his Oscar. after a life of pain. Encino Man has been redeemed, you can melt that block of ice away now, smelt it into stinky pewter.
Jen R: Gaga looked like every barista in Silver Lake.
me: every year it happens to me again, the Oscars give me my reason to live for the rest of the year. that Academy Awards In Memoriam soft song GETS to me. and Gaga or Madonna or Rihanna or whoever comes out and torches a ballad so beautifully it redeems me, you know? renders me speechless, showers me with undue glory and sparkles. it works EVERY TIME!!! the silence after, the darkness after, just the glow of the footlights. the song's message is always the same: don't commit suicide, no matter what you're going through, all the disappointment, all the rejection, all the belabored and shattered plans, having to start over from square one AGAIN.........live.........at least one more year, live at least until next year's Oscars.
my Chromebook: this week call it the Circuit-breaker Chromebook.........as in the circuit FUCKING BROKE!!!
Katie Volynets: i got the perfect tennis name, Volley Nets.
Anna Smashnova: ...
Gladyce: bend down.........and look at the world upside-down...
Doryce: and do jumping jacks in that position...
meat sauce > meatballs
Lucio on the green phone: hello? why do you keep calling me? why would Robert Louis Stevenson School be calling ME?!!! at MY HOUSE!!!
call: this is a spam call, i am a breathing real human. i man the lines and talk to the person whenever a spam call is answered.
Lucio: so it's your JOB to make spam calls?!!!
spam-call person: yes, think of me as that guy from that Linda Fiorentino movie...
The Hypnotoad: you can't eat bullfrogs.........you can't even apply sunscreen with a bullfrog...
Michael Weiss: why's everyone exercising on Instagram? lifting weights and shit, everybody's in physical rehabilitation!!! working out to get back out there on the dating scene!!!
Abbot Butt at Grande Chartreuse monastery: he ain't a heavy ugly monkfish, he's my brother.
Dirg: wanna quickly end an Instagram Relationship? just DM them that you need to borrow $1000 from them...
Madame Pons: ironically, Silverchair's album Neon Ballroom, which contains the song "Spawn Again," has a cover that looks like a hamburger...
Bob Odenkirk: no, it would have been better if i had remade Ishtar.
Tommy Wiseau: ...
PG&E on the phone: otherwise you can just hang up!!!
Lucio: she says that so excitedly, with so much jubilation.
Eurovision: American Idol WISHES it could EVER be as big as Eurovision...
NCAA Basketball Tournament Selection Show: we're on Oscars Night? we got enough guac for Oscar Night? all of our players will be wearing Louis Vuitton.........dresses.
Walter Matthau: i never pinched a butt in my life, okay?
Jenna Ortega: i look EXACTLY like.........
Pete Davidson: me?
Jenna Ortega: Rosie Perez.
Rami Malek: ...
Kernville: where Miss Piggy waits.........for her man to come back home.
MIND diet: Charles Xavier's diet
Mall Madness: not an '80s girl's favorite board game, an '80s GOTH's favorite board game...
Michael Weiss: the best youtube comment to use for any reason? fuck the world
Aldon Jacob: all traffic's looking like a parade out there today...
me: you can't get rid of me. that easily. or rather, NOW. now that i know. i'll always be snooping, wondering where you are TODAY. i'll follow you to the next platform. it's a STALKING OF LOVE, a stalking of concern.
Jen R: i live life sucker free.
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