me: i find myself on the second story of a swanky indoor restaurant with candlelit aura and red not champagne carpeting. even the carpeting on the stairs is red. it's hazy but the aura is there, it's felt. Jillian Clare is dining with her friends, to her right is Michael Bolton.
Michael Bolton: hey you like my new curly hair? i'm trying something new. trying to get seen. my ENTIRE career of cringefest adult-contemporary singing and songs will have been worth it, my ENTIRE life mind you, if it gets me one night with Jillian. what is ADULT CONTEMPORARY anyway? what the hell does that mean? couldn't somebody have come up with a BETTER name?
on the left is me. i promise the party i won't be hungry. we are dining on Everything bagels of course on our white plates with our steak knives and steak forks. i can't hear the conversation but of course it's crisp and elucidating cos it's Jillian.
me: and then out of the blue right there it happens, THE GREATEST TIT-GRAZE OF THE AGES, i accidentally brush up against Jillian Clare's massive gigantic breast and the table flips over and lands in its upright position again. no water is spilled, just circular waterfalls are formed. my elbow that touched the boob needs to be encased in ivory after this.
Jen R: are we done dissecting dreams on the day? deifying your dreams? oh leave the poor girl alone!!! let her eat in peace. without you. dreams are wishes that will never be fulfilled.
me: but that's the thing tho, why can't life be THAT?!!! i want to live THERE. in the second-story restaurant with Jillian Clare. sitting down to a nice meal. there is NOBODY i'd rather talk Oscars with than Jillian Clare, she's the expert on all things Academy Awards!!! i don't want to live HERE in THIS reality. this reality doesn't have the two-story restaurant.
"Veridis Quo" Daft Punk music video: is that a monastery or a castle?
Abbot Butt: monastery, castle, same thing.
Mozart: why was i a child prodigy? if i had been an adult prodigy i wouldn't be as fucked up as i am now.
Abbot Butt: the Academy school for witch girls in The Worst Witch is Grande Chartreuse monastery!!!
Eva Longoria: when i swim in an out-of-the-way green bog in Mexico, it's like that scene from Lars von Trier's Melancholia...
Pete Davidson: if there's one person who should be a monk, it's me. hence the shaved head. or to remember a cancerous friend, whatever.
me: um, i shave my head to remember my friend with cancer...
Chunk from The Goonies: now THAT's a friend!!! i gave the part TO MY FRIEND instead of giving it to me for MY comeback tour!!! that's MAGNANIMOUS!!!
PG&E: yeah we had to change our number...
Anna Smashnova: yes i work at Smashburger now but that has nothing to do with it...
the monastery: it's an escape.........but it's a temporary escape...
2023: The Year of Leaving
Sharon Stone handing Austin Butler her phone number: it's not what you think. i recently lost my brother, i need Austin Butler to be my new little brother, my new lil bro...
Jules Smith: there's nothing worse than a cold English muffin.
Michael Weissman: sure of course yes i'm also Joshua Weissman the youtube chef. we all look alike. can't you tell from the same sarcasm and caustic wit we use?...
Carmy Berzatto: how long has it been since i last SUT down?!!!
Club for Growth: and we will do it.
Club for Hair Growth: ...
Hugh Grant: the Champagne Carpet at the Oscars certainly didn't mellow ME out during my interview with Ashley Graham...
2023: people still blog?
dark raven-haired girl with the boobs, black shirt, and braid: you want life insurance? hey, if you need $1 trillion in coverage, we're here.
Aldon Jacob: lookin' like a dang PARKING LOT out there today, man, this traffic SUCKS!!!
Michael Weiss: Instagram now is just a place you post lost kids, this whole thing has become terribly tragic and sorely sad.
sargassum: when Doryce gets bloated eating Gordon Ramsay's macaroni n cheese.
Doryce: i did my first jumping jacks today, dear!!!
Gladyce: did you do what i taught you, dear? your ankles wound like a tight coil ready to spring potential energy into kinetic energy and welt sores on your ankles?
Doryce: so i jumped up high during the power-outage rain-and-windstorm and on my first jack the storm carried me away to the sky me twirling like a hamster-wheel circle my everything upskirt everywhere all at once and i disappeared never to return again into a cloud. is that how jumping jacks are supposed to work?
Fairuza Balk: the one spell all witches can agree on is the one that halts those fucking 6-DAY POWER OUTAGES!!!!!!
Jillian Clare in crop jeans sneezes HARD.
Eye Luggage: The Worst Witch and go. the 1986 TV movie, the first THING made after the books. NOW we're getting back to the origin of goth.
Fairuza Balk: i try to forget i ever did this.........but the first rule of goth is your past made you a goth.
Laertus: okay i mean like the special effects here are TERRIBLE, this is high-school-production level. some bad grade-school play put on at night in the Fairfax District for the parents. i used to do grade-school plays that were like this, the cheapest special effects imaginable. come on, it was 1986, Tron came out in 1982!!! the BBC has money!!! surely there were better video effects to be had. better TV for the TV movie. i swear i saw some cardboard standees in the castle. all the props are plastic. the costumes are cute tho.
me: i remember all those grade-school plays...
Jen P: you still wish you were doing them...
J.K. Rowling tries to join the chat but is BLOCKED.
J.K. Rowling: what the fuck.........
Mildred Hubble: i'm a spazz but i invented glasses so the universe can see itself better!!!
Diana Rigg: Hardbroom here. i really need to get laid, the wood vibrator ain't cuttin it.
Charlotte Rae: wait why is Miss Cackle the good one and Agatha the bad one?
Tim Curry: my agent said i had to do family-friendly fare for 10 years after Rocky Horror...
Sabina Franklyn with the cat eyes: i'm a real-life Miyazaki character in a Little Red Riding Hood red hood with a lightning bolt and thunderclap on my cloak.
Miyazaki: i didn't copy but i'm a huge fan. my girl showed her knickers more and was a mailman.
Su Elliot: i'm that hot sidekick with the triangular hair, a perfect punk for the '80s, i'm like a punk Sheena Easton, Bubble from AbFab but sane. sane is sexy, right? I'M the one you fantasized about, not Diana Rigg.
Maud Warlock: so i'm not allowed to be a witch in this society? i'm single...
Anna Kipling: PLEASE don't censor Mowgli, this is getting out of hand. have you noticed that all girl media has a bully who's BLONDE? a white rich mean blonde girl. who's tall and skinny. that is very perceptive.
Pui Fan Lee: without me, there's no Everything bagel.
Bonnie Langford: i wish i had been Sheena Easton. but no, i had to end up another person on the Isles doing a Doctor Who episode...
Tenbury Wells: if a town was a white chocolate-chip cookie...
Fairuza: stop. take a breath. Miss Hardbroom, Teacher, i'm thin as a board.
Diana Rigg: don't say that in front of me, that gets me nervous. you know it's not true that all girls love being skinny. you're still young, you still got time, it's too late for me, i'm locked into being neurotic about my weight.
Fairuza: i wish i had learned that Invisible Spell cos i could be invisible during these my growing-up years.
Maud: wake up, Mildred, it's time for P.E..........just kidding.
Diana Rigg: what are we gonna do with this incorrigible child!!! she's a klepto klutz!!!
Miss Cackle: be nice, dear, be gentle. i'm not so much hot as i am.........lovable. a potbellied short teddy bear who takes in and gives a lot of fat hugs.
Miss Cackle: i mean there's not much we can do, we're already in a boarding school!!!
Fairuza: i miss boys, why did i have to be shipped off to an away private school?
Diana Rigg: because, child, you were so poor you had one dress to your name with no hem and your mom's a seamstress!!!
Fairuza: don't you be cracking wise bout my mama, i'll turn you into a frog. you'll still be a sexy frog tho. don't try to use correctives on me, i can't change my ways, i'm immutable, i was meant to be a rigid bad girl for life, out on the open highway on my rigid broomstick. don't try and fight me, don't try to fight me, my bodyguard is a copper Tin Man with a mustache, an old soldier from the War on Oz. is this filmed in Australia?
Miss Cackle: i like that copper Tin Man, he has a pot-belly like me.
Greykid: black cats aren't bad luck, that is a total misnomer. and 13 is NOT an unlucky number, that was all made up, that's pigwash. break out of your fear and pick a plum from a tree. the Sorting Hat?...
black cat: yeah Greykid but it's bad luck for me to be ETHEL's cat!!! this bitch is a future British Karen!!!
Miss Spellbinder: don't worry about feeding your black cats, girls, they eat air and poop only when they're flying high on a broom.
Miss Spellbinder: i'm single...
Maud: what are you gonna name your black cat?
Maud: well we can't name it that...
Ethel: why the fuck you turn me into a PIG, bitch!!!???
Fairuza: if the shoe fits.........you know you'd be good for my Craft crew in a couple of years.
Ethel: whatever you do, don't you DARE call me Christine P. Bacon!!!
Fairuza: want the hot goss? i heard Miss Hardbroom lost the love of her life cos she didn't fling the curly apple peel over her back hard enough so the peel wasn't long enough and didn't reach her ankles.
Laertus: WHOA!!! these are some scary green special effects for 1986!!! this is frightening stuff for the young ones, kids don't like holograms, trust me.
Eye: we're gonna have kids, right?
Laertus: yes. left kids.
Mardith: i'm still waiting for my Korean pop star...
Dirg: i'm serious but what is the age group for this movie? what's the age range? like it's only for girls between the ages of 4-9?
Diana Rigg: so you girls up in the sky are gonna do the Holdo maneuver with your brooms, see? don't you LOVE my circular chalkboard? triangulate the distance in the air with the wind velocity so there isn't a terrible in-air collision. a horrible pileup of broken wood in the sky.
me: my dad used to call all car accidents collisions.
Diana pausing to reflect tearfully: yes it's true.........Tim Curry was the one who got away.........he would have made a DASHING James Bond...
outside on the small mountain leafy hill around the cauldron.
Agatha: i have evil purple hair cos i'm a Jem punk. it's the '80s so i watch MTV!!! i'm a rebel. i got this spellbook grimoire from Wile E. Coyote. do we have any newts?
Delilah: fresh out. ever since that Irish Independence thing bringing Northern Ireland back into the fold, making the country whole again. apples work better, ma'am.
the girls at assembly: OH MY GOD the Grand Wizard is SO DREAMY!!!!!!!!!
Diana Rigg: you do know he's gay, right?
girl witches: we're too young to care about that stuff!!!
Charlotte Rae: it's GODDESS, girls!!! learn from a feminist like me!!!
Diana Rigg: he's not racist, okay?
The Grand Wizard: and now i'm gonna do my version of the Queen "Cool Cat" music video. DANCE WITH ME!!! this rendition is so Tim & Eric.
Diana Rigg: god DAMN these beats are juicy and funky!!!
Freddie Mercury: check out my new music video for my new hit single "Living on My Own."
Tim Curry takes Diana Rigg's fingery hand.
Tim: goodness. goodness me, god me. good morning, beautiful.
Diana Rigg: it's evening. look up. see the castle with the pumpkin face all glowed up in cheap orange lights?
Tim: very clever to premiere this movie the day AFTER Halloween. your hand is quivering.
Diana Rigg: i'm just about to cum.........it's a spy tactic.
Gladyce and Doryce: Mildred, that's a total crone name!!!
Fairuza, crying heavily with black makeup under her eyes: everybody hates me!!! i'm running away!!! tell my parents!!! you'll be sorry when i turn up missing another lost kid on a milk carton on Instagram!!!
black cat: cream carton.
Fairuza: we're leaving, black cat!!! i'll take care of you. i'm flying away on this broom and never coming back!!! never turning back!!!
black cat: okay but you gotta FEED me, okay? and i get first dibs on the blanket.
Tim Curry: you see? it's the strange girls who end up ruling the world. take my wife...
Soul Asylum: runaways will rule the world one day...
Tim Curry: now, child, fly off on your broom into the Star Wars Sunset...
Diana Rigg: you have such a way with children, Miss Cackle, it's a soft touch i'm afraid i will never get the hand of.
Miss Cackle: you just gotta know how to talk to young people, Miss Hardbroom. massage your words so they make the most impact with them. treat young women with kindness, fairness, respect, equality, and dignity. Mildred wasn't a handful, i knew she was a diamond in the rough, a street urchin with a heart of gold. she reminds me of how spoiled i am in my training. she reminded me of when i used to housekeep and babysit for a rich old white man. his charges became my family, i love them dearly to this day. i'd drive my faded pink Pinto every morning up from the basin that swallows this castle to the hill over there with the skyscrapers past the slums of California Suite. Mildred reminds me of a genius kid i used to know, a boy by the name of Arnold Drummond Jackson. drummond, the beat of one's own drum. g'night folks.
Jillian Clare: cum all over my big butt. my big butt is like a tray laid open, bare, for you to perform, to blow. there you go. it feels nice. all wet and damp and moist, spongy. the cum is starting to drip off my butt now, rushing off the cookie curve in drips, milky droplets going down the valley of my buttcrack...
Jen R: i don't like your dream anymore.
me: sorry, these are all temporary scenes anyway. hey Jillian, what say we finish writing this script, Hollywood will someday finally do "The Daring Young Woman on the Flying Trapeze" song as a movie...
Jillian Clare: Michelle Yeoh is our queen, yo!!! and Ke Huy Quan is our king, he's the key!!! they said i couldn't be SAG president cos my body does not sag, my body is a brick house, nice and tight, all wound tight as a drum.
Miss Princess Leia: don't worry, child, i'll doctor their slummy script and turn it into gold behind the scenes...
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