CHROMEBOOK CITY: DEADLY DOUBLES

 

me: this is Heaven. i'm serious, this is LITERALLY HEAVEN. there is NO GREATER THING than playing tennis with you as a doubles team under a pale orange sky. 

Jen R and i are at the Vaporwave tennis courts with the neon racquets and the neon balls.

Jen R: this is the only way to play tennis in the dark.

me: without lights.

Jen R: doube? doubes?

me: thank you i will take that doobie roach. i know you have a drug problem, you turned me on to drugs because i wanted to impress you. we'll talk about drugs later.

Jen R: all i'm sayin is when i'm sober my hardest serve is 15mph. when i'm storming the hippie lettuce, when i smoke a joint AS i toss the ball in the air to come down on it, my SLICE serve is 180mph.

me: the invincible introvert, that's what pot does. my tennis longtable chairs over the years have been littered with butts and needles and needles in butts. i've used some street substances to supplant my supply when my Vanquish runs out. 

Jen R: how long we got the courts for until the chain-link fence goes up?

me: 10:30. ALL tennis courts are only open at 10:30 in the morning for five minutes...

Acapulco Open tennis court: it's blue but look carefully, it's not your standard blue court, it's BLUE CARPET, mate!!! how do you like that?

Jack Tripper wearing pooka shells after 1985: just fine.

Acapulco Open: it's GROOVY BLUE CARPET from the '70s, baby, soft to the touch of the cheek. the ballboys and ballgirls are all wearing bellbottoms. now get me ONE Chiclet, chico.

Alec Baldwin: i should play Alex Murdaugh, right? Alec as Alex. Murdaugh the Murderer.

Will Ferrell: no, that's a bad idea. it's time for ME to play Alex Murdaugh, time for me to be SERIOUS for once.

Patrick McEnroe: you had no idea i was a lawyer, huh...

at the Wall Street golf course.

Catherine Zeta-Jones: whip it out, Mike. your putter, your penis.

Michael Douglas: is THIS what dilf means?

Dorf: ...

Leif Shiras: i'm trying. i'm trying to be Vitas Gerulaitis. i'm trying so hard, i'm REALLY REALLY REALLY trying to be Vitas Gerulaitis.........but i'm just not the same...

Freddie Boom Boom Washington: even in the boxing episode of Welcome Back, Kotter i said Boom Boom comes from a standing double-bass, not boxing, which is just unusual.

Altered States: the ULTIMATE TERERE...

Emma Raducanu: i hate to do this to you, chick, hate to take even THIS from you, but I am the greatest Canadian tennis player of all time. i was born in Canada.

Leylah Fernandez: as they say in Canada, fuck you.

Melissa Maker holding a wood racquet: ...

transparent pie: Jeffrey Tambor's favorite pie when he heads down South to research a part.........i know, nobody cares about Jeffrey Tambor's pie selection anymore...

monk: i wanted to be a monk for a very very very very long time.........but no more, not anymore...

at the Bill Maher show.

John Heilemann: look at my shirt. look at my shirt, audience. i'm wearing a Joy Division shirt, don't i win vs. Russell Brand for that? don't i beat Russell Brand cos of my shirt?

*the audience erupts in rapturous applause*

Bakugo: just kidding, my hero name is Power obviously.

Dynomutt: ...

Mama Kelce: honestly, it would have been better if I had been the SNL host this week...

spam calls on the mobile phone: anybody interested in buying some rubberbands?...

Michael Weiss: Instagram is a collection of mostly nonfunctioning introverts with a couple of introverts who manage to fly to Chicago and Brazil...

Michael Weiss: i'm sorry but i'm sick of the Instagram Invalids.

MacGyver on set: my daughter, my baby, is the reason i work. i want to come here, do the work, punch the clock, and leave early. i don't care about any of you here. fuck all y'all.

Vinnie Barbarino in a soft beige ridged cardigan turtleneck sweater: i invented the Funky Chicken dance...

Mr. Kotter: did they ever figure out what the face of the Principal looks like?

Travolta: it's Tom Cruise of course...

Jen R: what the stakes?

me: if we win, instead of the traditional handshake, you hug me in your pink grandma sweater and my tooth gets caught on your big button. and I wear your pink grandma sweater the rest of the evening when we're having dinner at Togo's.  

Jen R: i look cute in my Venetian-blinds tennis skirt and pink grandma sweater.

me: if we lose, that must mean we need to practice more, so you are DOOMED into having to be my doubles partner FOR LIFE. match after match. one match playing tennis with you and my life is already complete, let's keep it going.

Jen R: who's keeping score? there's no chair umpire with her grave sullen face of trepidation ready to take abuse.

me: my Chromebook will be the chair umpire!!! call it the Tennis Tempest In A Teapot!!! 

we are competing against a woman pair on the other side of the net. Jennifer Pizarro and Jenny Baranick.

Jen P looking down: so THIS is your new girlfriend?

me: yes this is my new Jennifer.

Jen B: i was practicing my grip and i picked up a broken glass crack pipe that was heatering all over the place, the ooze spilt onto the palm of my hand cutting it with lava. 

me: the pipe was on the court? that's my pipe, sorry. it's still good to use. is that an automatic default? i don't know the tennis rules.

Jen R: i will never be your walk-on girl. no matter HOW good you are at darts. not even if you're a darts champion. 

me: we'll walk on the tennis court together one day with a player escort, one child mascot, our kid.

McDonald's: i know we sponsor everything but this is a good cause...