Friday, March 17, 2023




* me: if there's ANYONE WHO EVER LIVED ON PLANET EARTH who deserves multiple Emmys for Genius In Writing, it's Mr. Rod Serling!!!
Rod Serling: i mean look at the fucking BOUFFANT i'm wearing up there, i'm a writer displaying Pimp Level 1000. that's not me giving the finger to the Academy up there in that pic don't worry. yeah that was us at the formation of The B-52's. first pic is me during my Apocalypse Now audition, the '70s were wild...

* me: i have to type with my sweater OFF cos the sleeves get caught on the corner of my Chromebook. that means i'm cold when i write...

* Princeton: YEAH!!! FUCK YOU, ARIZONA!!! that was the ultimate blue state vs. red state battle!!! 
Colgate: please don't make fun of our name.
Oral Roberts: please don't make fun of our name...
Julia Ioffe: i did a college tour of Oral...

* Jillian Clare: in honor of Arizona losing, i shall dine at a two-story restaurant with my special guest Taylor Swift.
Taylor Swift: oh no Jillian, the pleasure is all mine.
Jillian: we're in Heir-izona. get it? for the song "Heiress."
Rebekah Harkness: that's not a massive church organ behind me, that's backstage at a ballet, the behind-lights...

* Patrick Duffy: i'm Irish? who would've guessed? 

* Michael D. Higgins: it's me!!! i'm Dungeon Master from that 1983 cartoon Dungeons & Dragons!!! i told you i'd survive all this time. not from 1983, from Medieval times. i am an immortal being.

* Su Elliot: Happy St. Patrick's Day!!!...

* burn time: the time it takes to get into Nine Inch Nails...

* Mark: the Metaverse will save lives in a burning building the fire flames coming at you in a swirl from all directions...
Backdraft: you still gotta CHECK FOR WARMTH!!! when you hit that door.
Naruto's last episodes: ...
Simon Cowell: i crushed my kneecap riding my electric bicycle again. give it to me straight, doc.
doctor: looks ugly. the Metaverse will provide you with a virtual cast...
Robin Williams in a museum: the Metaverse will reignite your secret furry love of the woolly mammoth, AI will actually bring the woolly mammoth back to life...
dodo: isn't that a good thing?...

* Walgreens: should we put you on the 9-day plan?
patient: look at my fucking leg, ma'am!!! give me the 900-day plan!!! give me ALL the fucking drugs!!!
caretaker: i'll be honest, some days i forget which pills i gave to grandma.
pharmacist: just be sure YOU don't take grandma's pills or you'll end up like Sheena Easton in that Outer Limits episode "Falling Star."

* if it's a Rolex Oscars commercial, there will ALWAYS be a scene from Billy Elliot...
Su Elliot: ...
Laertus: that Milk shirt is so rad!!! that Milk shirt Sean Penn wears is the coolest T-shirt in the world!!!

* Wes Anderson: see if there's no safety on set, there can't be any weirdness from me. that's why i direct from this skyscraper crane chair on a hydraulic pulley up here.
anonymous stuntperson: has there ever been a stuntperson who went on to be a famous actress or actor? or are we all risking our lives every day for nothing?
Bruce Willis: ...

* Hyundai electric cars: insert your NES Zapper into your gas tank for power...
Wuigi: did you have a grey gun or an orange gun growing up?...

* Tache: stache. 
Freddie Mercury with mustache: touche. i had a Jewel overbite, too. aren't you glad i didn't spell it Kool Kat?

* Progressive
man: what do we do now?
agent: we live. like Peter Griffin. i'm into arm-wrestling in the dark.
man: nah, i just want to nap.
agent: you're not a cat. humans don't live very long, i'm in a dead-end job.
man: i told my wife...
agent: i'm your wife now.

*  Dean Winters: i don't have a sizzle, i have sadism.
Laertus's dad: promposals weren't a thing in the '80s, all we did was ask in the back of a limo...

* Dick's
--- at first it was just a team.........then it became a traveling sisterhood of pants.
--- that coach changed our son.........into a businessman.
--- running.........changes come back tired.
--- me: oh no i can't do Little League baseball diamonds, i cry every time i see one.
--- i didn't know where to sit for lunch.........that season changed everything.........besides, the lunches there tasted like lead paint.
--- me: scholarships are my Vietnam flashbacks.

* Otto Desc: not the bombmaker guy

* Carnival: three best friends, one Caribbean cruise, do these women have what it takes? 
women: fuck you, Carnival, you lost one of us at sea!!! 
woman: yeah you lost me, Carnival, when you wouldn't let me go back and get my sunglasses.
Carnival: ship sunglasses only. the boat was already in Titanic Mode i mean cruise control.
women: are these drinks or smoke?
Carnival: dry ice used for our magic shows performed in your rooms.
women: why is the zipline the size of a ruler?

* hey writers, STRIKE!!! STRIKE THE FUCK OUTTA THE THING!!! HELL YEAH STRIKE!!! get that streaming money, get that moolah that streams right into your pockets, nothing out of pocket about that. you deserve every cent, without you there is no entertainment. i'm on your side FOREVER. writing a new SNL every week is FUCKING HARD!!! 

happy weekend, my babies
TOMORROW: is the Triple Stacker from Burger King the same as the triple cheeseburger?.........wait a minute The Double Down is coming back?!!! THE DOUBLE DOWN FROM KFC???!!!!!!!!! nevermind...

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